The Heel Report: 01.25.13: Beating Brooke & Bully’s Biological Clock
This is the Heel Report. A weekly chart spanning from Tuesday’s NXT to the Raw Super Show, ranking the heels in professional wrestling based on their actions, wins and losses.
Each Week there are ten places, with points out of ten awarded based on these positions. These points are then added to a rolling chart that will continue each week to show who is wrestling’s overall top heel.
This is a place where the heels of wrestling can be praised for all the hard work they do trying to get us all to hate them, so without further ado let’s get on with the report…
Weekly Top Ten
1st Place: Dolph Ziggler
In what was a pretty slow week it seemed like the Zig Zag man managed to redeem himself after his twin losses to John Cena on Raw, first appearing in the Smackdown main event, although in a losing effort, and then winning the Beat the Clock challenge on Raw, although there he got more than he bargained for, getting to choose from the #1 or #2 spot in the Rumble match. Then again no one expects Ziggler to win so in a way being given such a low number is certainly the best way for him to score points and secure another high placing in next week’s chart.
2nd Place: Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro is taking care of business and working overtime in the WWE at the moment as he seems to appear on every show going and win or lose puts on a great performance, so much so that he even won Wrestler of the Week! Cesaro shows no sign of slowing down and while he faces the Miz this Sunday I am not sure if the new recipient of the Figure-4 has what it takes right now to dethrone the US champ.
3rd Place: Paul Heyman
In terms of slime bag promos Heyman really stole the show this week, I also love his use of the phrase ‘Paul-bomb’ and his role of ‘Voice of the Voice of the Voiceless’, it just has a nice ring to it. I think everyone is pleased with Heyman’s presence in the WWE and I have to hope that it continues past his associations with C.M. Punk, personally I just wish he hadn’t left in the first place.
4th Place: C.M. Punk
That’s right, I ranked the ‘Voice of the Voice of the Voiceless’ over the ‘Voice of the Voiceless’ (okay the word ‘Voice’ has lost all meaning to me now). Punk certainly delivered this week but I just feel like Heyman had an edge over Punk in that he draws more heel heat. It is hard to boo a guy who for the most part speaks the truth, even when he is trying his best to be a generic heel. It was nice of the Rock to admit that Punk is the Best in the World, the shame of it is that after Sunday he will most likely not be able to lay claim to that moniker anymore, but we will see.
5th Place: Bad Influence
I find this new feud interesting and hope that it lasts for more than a couple of weeks, Daniels is a great foil for Jeff Hardy and can really bring something fresh to the title picture, it is just a shame that Hardy couldn’t appear on the UK tour and still has the belt, irritating. Daniels calling Jeff and his ‘Creatures’ losers was a nice touch and I just hope that we get to see one of the duo parodying Hardy in the next couple of weeks as their impressions of AJ Styles and James Storm were spot on, I hope they capture Jeff’s full egotistical delusions and crack a joke about being ‘modest’, since that whole thing needs to be made fun of waaaaay more.
6th Place: The Shield
…I believe in the Shield, hell after what they did to the Rock on Raw (with no comeuppance no less!) how can you not? I just really hope that they are in the Rumble match on Sunday as that would be epic, it would also mean they had to be eliminated as well of course but if Ryback can take that hit then I’m sure the Shield can as well. In fact it will probably come down to a question of whether the Shield will collectively eliminate the Ryback or if the Ryback will single-handedly eliminate the Shield, I personally am hoping for the former, and for the Shield to dominate at least parts of the Rumble. Their presence in the Rumble is something that hasn’t really been commented on but it would be a golden opportunity for the team to get some more in-ring time and be at least partially protected by the match’s stipulation, still we’ll just have to wait and see what, if any, role they actually play.
7th Place: The Big Show
The former World champion looked pretty dominant on Raw, if a little riled by the crowd, but on Smackdown it was a different story. Del Rio embarrassed the Big Show and I am hoping that their match at the Rumble at least measures up to their match on Smackdown, which shouldn’t really need to be said but you never know these days. One thing in their favour is that with so few matches on the event they might get more time, unless Punk-Rock steals it all, which in all honesty wouldn’t be the worst thing.
8th Place: Austin Aries
Last week I had my reasons for ranking Roode above Aries in their close points accumulation, this week the ranking is legitimately arbitrary as there wasn’t a point between the two, but despite tying in points I don’t do place ties so Aries comes first, frankly because I like him more. Still I am very excited for seeing how this team comes together and hopefully being able to have new tag team champions before too long.
9th Place: Robert Roode
Consider this; if Roode & Aries win the TNA tag belts, and The Rhodes Scholars finally achieve the same feat in the WWE at the Royal Rumble, then we will have two amazing heel tag teams as champions in the two biggest wrestling promotions. Will this lead to a renaissance of tag team competition? Possibly not, but having two stable, high profile teams that people will pay to see lose the belts is a good start.
10th Place: Vickie Guerrero
Vickie Guerrero is a heat machine, and if she wasn’t so repetitive and sporadic she would probably appear on this chart more. This week she got a lot of air time and had a lot to say, especially against the Rock. I’m happy she screwed over Ziggler on Raw as he is one step closer to a face turn that could really take him to the next level, although hopefully it will take at least a couple of months since I think he needs more time to establish himself away from the recently turned Miz and Del Rio, either way Vickie will probably play a big part in his turn, in some way or another.
1. Alberto Del Rio (281)
2. Robert Roode (275)
3. Daniel Bryan (274)
4. Dolph Ziggler (261)
5. Cody Rhodes (259)
6. The Big Show (231)
7. C.M. Punk (201)
8. The Miz (188)
9. Mark Henry (181)
10. Bully Ray (170)
The Wright View:
Episode III: Revenge of the Cena
Honestly I wanted to highlight something different this week, I really did, but Jesus! Cena picks this week to deliver what was arguably the worst promo of his career, and that is saying something! It sounded like he was either a really inexperienced comedian at an open mic night, or he was trying to be a heel but was just being really crap at it. All he did was try to sound cool by appealing to cultural references, all of which made him sound like a parent trying to be cool, and played off of stereotypes formed from his own (or his writers, if that shit was actually written by anybody) head. Not only was the promo even worse than normal, was far too long and made almost no sense, but it was the ‘main event’ of the show, taking precedence over the Rock and Punk’s feud, which is insane. The only thing I can think to say to explain the WWE’s decision here is that they have finally realised that for the most part the ratings in the third hour will be the lowest so they should put what they really want to promote on at the end of the second hour before things slip in the third. Therefore the Rock’s beat down by the Shield, while not ending the show, was the highlight of the night on purpose. If this isn’t the case then the people booking the show are just fucking insane! For everyone that gives me crap about slating Cena every week just compare this meandering, waste of time promo to Punks time-filling promo of a couple of weeks ago. That mic work was fresh and interesting, was generally praised and was acknowledged as not feeling like it dragged on too much despite going on for like twenty minutes before another talking segment. Then there is Cena’s promo, which was shit. Cena is the face of the company and you would hope that this being the case he would be able to fill time for them as and when need be. Honestly if this doesn’t push Punk over the top in their eyes as being more valuable than Cena then nothing will. Bottom line is that Cena just doesn’t really care anymore, he hasn’t for a very long time and it is starting to get to the point where his match work is his best aspect and he only turns that on in very select circumstances. Something needs to be done…this ‘something’ will no doubt be Cena winning the WWE title again, stupid!
Beat the Clock
Sure Vickie’s change to the stipulation of what the winner could choose kind of invalidated the whole thing, but that was clearly done on the fly to get back at Dolph so the competition still stands. What I liked about these matches were that they were all of a decent length and very close together in their times which made things seem more tense and competitive. It was much better than those Beat the Clock tournaments where the first match is way long and the rest get increasingly shorter until you have one match that lasts for about a minute, is won by the clear favourite and undermines the whole thing. I do have one question though, and that is why was Ryback’s match not a Beat the Clock match since it contained two Rumble match competitors? The obvious answer is that he would have then had to have won and it would have been the type of match that I just stated ruins tournaments like this, but then it’s not my fault the WWE booked themselves into a corner. Also Cena wasn’t involved in a Beat the Clock match, which just goes to show that he doesn’t give a crap about his number, most likely because he will win no matter what and so doesn’t even have to worry about where he comes into the match itself. These quibbles aside I really liked the idea of a theme like Beat the Clock being spread over the three hours. The WWE could easily utilise their extra program time after Wrestlemania is over to host other such tournaments like King of the Ring and a Gold Rush tournament, for any of the belts (except the Divas belt since there are nowhere near enough women to fill out those brackets) and the whole thing could all be held over one show, which would hopefully improve that last hour ratings slump that they have been experiencing since switching Raw to three hours, hell they could even do a similar thing to TNA and cut back on the PPVS and give us one of these tournaments in the months where there isn’t a PPV to order, after all there is seriously starting to be little difference between the PPVs and an episode of Raw anyway, at least in terms of quality anyway.
Taz’s Turn (Literally)
It might not have meant much right now but I think that the Taz turn to Aces & 8s, along with the addition of Mr. Anderson, could help the group move in the right direction. If TNA had more air time then they could build up their ‘faceless’ Aces & 8s members and make them a bigger deal, but since for the most part these relative unknowns are put up against established stars it is unlikely that they will ever get over. So instead they need to associate the group with some established faces to raise the profile of their matches. Basically they should have had Bully Ray be the leader of Aces & 8s all along, but that ship has sailed and we are left with what we’ve got, and Taz can help with that, whether it is on the announce desk or at ringside, or lord knows in the ring of all places. I still just hope and pray that neither Eric Bischoff nor Jeff Jarrett are revealed as being behind the whole thing as that would be terrible and above all else just plain dull.
Sure it is all kayfabe but this week the security at Raw was pretty shoddy, not only did they somehow think that having a ticket (given to him by a member of the security team itself) entitles the Rock to come down the ramp with music and cut a promo in the middle of the ring, surely someone should have tried to stop him? Or maybe that is the Shield’s new job; Arena Security Guards, they are just a bit rough is all. Then there is Brad Maddox, who simply had to hop the barricade and then took a place on commentary for about a minute in a pointless attempt to get over, then somehow he is allowed backstage. Now I know that professional wrestling is all scripted but I come from the school of thought where it has to at least have some basis in reality, or at least make sense logically, or failing that at least make sense in terms of ‘wrestling logic’, i.e. how the owner of the company can become its champion. Dammit WWE, my disbelief can only be suspended so much!
Stephen Randle has The Wrestling News Experience
Nick Marsico comes in next with the Tuesday Communique
Jeremy Thomas starts his rundown of the top 16 movies of 2012 in The 8-Ball
Shawn S. Lealos gives us the top 10 Superhero Jerks in Alternative Takes
And Joseph Lee takes a chainsaw to Wes Craven and splits him right down the middle in A Bloody Good Time
Michael McGillicutty on Saturday Morning Slam – Not only did they have a great comedy match on the show with Sheamus, that involved running the ropes for several minutes, some water bottle jokes, and an airplane spin that ended with a referee roll-up, but when he thought he had won after pinning the Referee, McGillicutty even had the gall to mock the Celtic Warrior by imitating his celebratory chest beat and yelled ‘Fella!’ as Sheamus raised his arm in ‘victory’. It is little touches like that which make me think that McGillicutty really could be a future star, hell Ziggler was a male cheerleader a few years ago, so there is always room to grow in the WWE.
That’s all for this week, next week will be the Royal Rumble and even though we are all 99% certain that Cena will win the Rumble match and Rock will beat Punk for the WWE title it should be quite a show. No matter what the result the Rumble is always enjoyable and seeing Punk and Rock together should be interesting. I secretly hope that somehow the WWE see Punk-Rock 2 as money at Mania but it will probably never happen, it easily could in a storyline fashion though. We’ll just have to wait and see, for now this is James Wright signing off.