The Name on the Marquee: Madison Square Garden Presents the WWF (2.17.1986)

-Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes.

LEAPING LANNY POFFO vs. RENE GOULET
-Tonight’s historic moment: Lanny has switched from paper scrolls to Frisbees for his poems. He reads a nice crowd-pleasing poem about how wrestling at MSG means more than wrestling at a stadium. Across the ring, Rene Goulet is now clean-shaven and looks like the fight-breaking-up dude in a suit that I grew up with.

-Goulet takes slammed down while Gorilla Monsoon points out that Rene is wearing an illegal-looking glove on his hand, as he usually does, and Gorilla says he’d make more of a fuss about that, but Goulet hasn’t won a match in eight months, so what the hell, let him wear the glove. HA!

-Lanny misses a corner charge and almost breaks his neck with a scary-looking sell. Goulet shoulderblocks him but runs into a monkeyflip. They trade headscissors. Goulet makes it to the ropes and the referee forgets to make him break, so he just stays stuck in it for a while.

-Goulet gets free and fires uppercuts while Alfred brings up another point about the illegal glove; it’s on his left hand but Goulet is punching with his right hand, defeating the purpose of wearing the illegal glove.

-Poffo fires off a series of kicks and punches until Goulet stops the aggression with a thumb to the eye. Goulet goes to work on the leg. Goulet finally applies the claw with the illegal glove, looking like he’s on the verge of snapping his eight-month cold streak, but Lanny gets to the ropes. Goulet reapplies the claw and Lord Alfred tries to put Rene over by mentioning that he can break a pair of pliers with his right hand, and Gorilla replies, “Yes, the 39-cent kind. Not the good kind.”

-Poffo breaks and goes for the pin, but only gets two. Poffo gets aggressive again and puts the boots to him. They trade holds until Lanny shows more signs of life and CRACKS Rene with a series of punches. Moonsault finally gives Lanny the win. 0 for 1. Your classic MSG opener that just went WAY too long.

KING TONGA vs. LES THORNTON
–Lord Alfred Hayes gets just a little stretchy with the already fragile limits of believability in professional wrestling by trying to put over the idea that King Tonga actually IS the king of Tonga.

-Tonga gets the early edge with a hammerlock as Gorilla brings up a question that I always wondered about Tonga/Haku: What’s the story behind the gigantic scar on his arm? Shoulderblocks go nowhere as these guys seem to be suffering the wrestling equivalent of writer’s block. They do a move, they pause. Then another move, then pause. Then another move.

-Thornton finally decides to try working the leg and that seems to get them going. Thornton bends the leg and throws  a couple dozen kicks at the knee. Tonga retaliates with a headbutt as the commentators give up and talk about how great Wrestlemania 2 will be.

-Thornton targets the head and that just makes Tonga angry. He mounts a comeback but misses a charge, and Thornton fires forearms, completely forgetting about the leg he was working earlier. Chinlock is applied as both wrestlers throw their hands in the air and say “I just don’t know anymore.”

-Front facelock draws a “boring” chant, and then Tonga fires chops. This whole match feels like one of those “Call of the Action” segments on Coliseum Video, except it’s all one match. Fisticuffs are exchanged as the “boring” chant is just getting louder and uglier. Thornton misses a charge and then eats a crescent kick. Diving headbutt from the top rope finishes. 0 for 2. Man, what a fudge dragon this thing turned out to be.

KILLER BEES vs. THE HART FOUNDATION (with Jimmy Hart)
-Well, the previous matches really set the table for these guys. Granted, they set the table with one chopstick and a fork with no tines, but still, the table is set.

-Anvil and Brunzell start. Brunzell tries a wristlock, but Anvil is too strong for it. Brunzell tries a side headlock, but gets shoulderblocked in return. Anvil goes for another shoulderblock but gets tripped and tied up by Brunzell, who works the legs. Blair tags in and makes a wish to keep the work on the leg. Toehold by Blair; Anvil kicks free but gets tripped up again and the Bees make another wish for a two-count.

-Brunzell tags in and goes to a stepover toehold. Blair comes back in and locks in a figure-four, but Bret runs in and with a legdrop to save. Anvil tags and Bret enters the match proper and tags advantage with punches and elbows. He chokes out Blair in the corner and distracts the referee while Anvil takes his turn at choking. Hart excellently executes an eyerake and snapmares Blair down for a headlock.

-Backbreaker by Bret. He goes for an elbow off the second rope. Blair moves out of the way, which is great because that draws attention away from the fact that Bret actually slipped and fell off the rope. He makes the hot tag and Brunzell cleans house until Bret attacks from the apron, and Anvil goes to work trying to wear him down from there.

-Brunzell elbows free but gets caught in a bearhug and Anvil rams him into the corner from that position. Decapitator looks to finish, but Blair saves. Front facelock by Bret, but when Brunzell looks like he might be able to tag from that position, Bret just punches him, and in comes the Anvil. And out goes Brunzell. Bret attacks him on the floor and the Harts keep up the punishment while the referee deals with Blair’s complaining.

-Backdrop is reversed to a sunset flip for two. Anvil locks in a side headlock, and again, Bret stops the potential hot tag. Bret Irish whips Anvil into Brunzell’s stomach, causing some torn inner-costal cartilage. Dropkick by Bret gets two. Brunzell gets his own dropkick out of nowhere and of course, since it’s Brunzell, that’s enough to KO Bret.

-Anvil takes advantage of a moment of confusion to drag Bret’s body over Brunzell’s, but that’s only two. Inverted atomic drop by Hart and a front facelock, but again the Harts stop the hot tag from that position. Anvil Irish whips Bret, but going for that move twice in one match is just greedy. Brunzell makes the tag and Blair takes his turn at cleaning house. Irish whip and a clothesline by Blair on the Anvil.  Cradle gets two. Bodyslam on Bret, Bodyslam on Anvil. Blair atomic drops Bret so he lands on Anvil, and then Anvil accidentally elbows Bret for a two-count.

-Abdominal stretch by Blair, but Anvil breaks it and Brunzell comes in to make him sorry he did it. Harts are Irish whipped into each other for two. Blair rolls up Hart for another two. Brunzell comes in with a dropkick for two, and then the bell sounds for a time limit draw. 1 for 3. Picked up toward the end; prior to that, it just felt like both teams were going through the motions. Then again, Bees and Harts going through the motions still give you a better match than a lot of guys might.

KING KONG BUNDY vs. GEORGE WELLS (with Bobby Heenan)
-Huh. Wells is wearing his old Master G tights.

-Football tackle by Wells causes Bundy to stumble.  Bundy wants another shot, and this time Wells ducks and Bundy crashes into the corner.

-NOW Bundy’s mad. He whips Wells and puts the boots to him. Kneedrop almost gets three but Wells hangs on. Slam by Bundy, but Wells rolls out of the way of an elbow. He throws upper cuts, but tries an Irish whip, and Bundy is able to reverse that and connect with an avalanche. Splash gets the three-count. No five? 1 for 4. Squash. Wells leaves on a stretcher. Gorilla announces that at a recent WWF event, Hulk Hogan had to be rushed to a hospital after taking the same sequence of moves from Bundy.

MARTIAL ARTS MATCH: RICKY “The Dragon” STEAMBOAT vs. MAGNIFICENT MURACO (with Mr. Fuji)
–Steamboat is what you’d call “suspiciously muscular” tonight, and the veins are just jumping out of his arms. Steamboat reveals himself to be an unusually smart babyface. Fuji approaches him before the bell and pokes and prods him with the cane repeatedly, and Steamboat refuses to fight back, knowing Muraco will take that as a cue to attack from behind. Steamboat very calmly leaves ringside and returns with King Tonga, which totally enrages Fuji & Muraco because Tonga shit the bed so hard in his match earlier that the odds say he’s due to do something that’s actually interesting any minute now.

-So, Martial Arts match basically just means that Steamboat is going to wear his entrance gear through the entire match and Muraco has to wear something similar. Enziguiri sends Muraco over the top rope and onto the floor. Muraco stalls before diving back in and throwing kneelifts, and Steamboat, sticking with what works, just throws another enziguiri that sends Muraco over the top and onto the floor. I don’t know why that spot made me chuckle. I just like the idea of Muraco trying a couple of different things to see if they work, whereas Steamoat seems to have figure out, “Oh, geez, I just need the one thing.”

-Steamboat tries to get momentum going and Muraco fights dirty, which draws the ire of the Gorilla because “Those aren’t judo jacket rules!” Yes, we’ve certainly cheapened the revered name of judo jacket rules tonight. Fuji hooks the leg from the floor to trip Steamboat up, and Tonga runs right over, and in a neat switch on the usual things, he doesn’t hit Fuji, he just walks over and puts the fear of God into Fuji, who kisses Tonga’s ass and promises not to do it again.

-Steamboat chops Muraco from every direction and slams him. Muraco tosses Steamboat over the top rope and Fuji winds up the cane for a home run. Tonga comes over to put a stop to that, but Muraco  comes out to attack him. Neat spot with Fuji holding the seat of a broken folding chair over his head and Muraco slingshots Steamboat into it to bust him open.

-He suplexes Steamboat back in and whips Steamboat with his black belt, which is a pretty silly spot for anybody who’s even remotely familiar with what a black belt feels like. Muraco chokes him with the belt, which makes a lot more sense, but Steamboat runs into the corner during that, which causes Muraco to hit the post and now he’s bleeding too. Dragon goes upstairs and connects with a chop from the top.

-Referee gets bumped and Fuji interferes while he has an opening. Muraco cradles Steamboat, but the referee is out, so Fuji goes in to revive him, and while he’s doing that, Tonga sneaks in and tugs on Muraco’s jacket, which causes the cradle to roll over and Steamboat is on top when the referee wakes up and counts three. 2 for 5. Good match with a fun finish. Although Fuji really made it with the uncharacteristic celebratory dance he did when he thought Muraco won. Post-match, Muraco tombstones Tonga, so I guess they’ll have that match down the road.

-Gorilla Monsoon chats with Captain Lou Albano, who says that George Steele has the ferociousness to overcome the new, different version of Adrian Adonis. Steele, wearing a nice jacket and some gold jewelry, grunts and yells a lot. Iron Sheik is up next, talking about being a former tag team world Champooing. Savage, in his “Hulk Who?” t-shirt, says that tonight is the night, and he suggests that this information should be dug.

-Howard Finkel welcomes Stu Hart, who is turning 76 years old tonight.

TONY ATLAS vs. BARRY O
-Tony outmuscles Barry O a bunch of times and then wins with a press slam. NEXT! 2 for 6.

GEORGE “The Animal” STEELE (with Captain Lou Albano) vs. ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS (with Jimmy Hart)
-I have a weird feeling that I could type a completely accurate recap of this match without watching it.

-Adonis stalls and stalls, and credit where credit is due, Adonis is drawing impressive heat. More stalling as Steele chases Adonis out to the floor. Jimmy complains about Steele’s shenanigans while Adonis appears to gain fifteen pounds while he’s on the floor.

-Bell sounds and Adonis immediately runs out to the floor. Back in, Adonis runs straight into a backdrop, and then Steele rams Adonis into a turnbuckle so hard that he gets hung up on the top rope. Biting and choking by Steele. Adonis retaliates by ramming Steele into the corner, and Adrian gets really aggressive, ripping handfuls of hair out of George’s back. Gross but impressive.

-Adonis goes to the top rope and Steele shakes the ropes until he loses his balance. Steele bites his arm, but Adonis throws a hard right hand that sends Steele sailing over the top rope. Albano goes to check on him and Jimmy takes advantage by KOing Albano. Steele gets his hands on the megaphone and lays a few shots into Adonis for revenge, getting himself DQed. 2 for 7. Too short actually. Adonis got something out of Steele that nobody else was getting during this time period, and Steele was actually showing some uncharacteristic motivation there.

CORPORAL KIRCHNER & DANNY SPIVEY vs. NIKOLAI VOLKOFF & IRON SHEIK (with Classy Freddy Blassie)
-Amateur wrestling between Sheik and Kirchner and Kirchner gets the better end of it. Kirchner headbutts Nikolai on the apron, I guess because he can, and then headbutts Sheik right in the nuts. Volkoff tags in and boots Kirchner down, and the infamous spiked boot makes its first appearance of the evening.

-Kirchner fights back and gets a takedown for two. We get a false tag spot with Kirchner and Spivey, which is a weird spot at this point because Kirchner really hasn’t been put in any danger. And then he actually does make the tag and Spivey clears the ring to almost no reaction because, again, Kirchner didn’t exactly need the help. What a weird match.

-Volkoff and Spivey duel for a full nelson. And then they get tired of that so they stop. Sheik tags in and applies an abdominal stretch which does not receive the Monsoon Seal of Approval. Gutwrench suplex leads to the camel clutch and he has it applies completely wrong, which Gorilla is also quick to point out.

-We get ANOTHER hot tag, this time done correctly, and Kirchner goes to work. Awful dropkick by Kirchner on Volkoff while Sheik does something to his boot, and a kick to the chest knocks Kirchner right out. 2 for 8. Sigh.

 TED ARCIDI vs. TERRY GIBBS

-Arcidi’s not exactly starting any fires as a heel, so they relaunch him as a face tonight.

-Arcidi shoves Gibbs down and shoves him down again. Gibbs complains about Arcidi’s excess body oil. Gibbs tries a front facelock, but Arcidi lifts him off his feet and plants him on the top rope. Gibbs tries a shoulderblock but Arcidi catches him off the ropes with a full nelson. Gibbs makes the ropes for the release. Gibbs throws punches and more punches, and Gorilla is really funny on commentary, making no effort to build suspense and simply declaring that there’s no way Gibbs is winning this match. And of course, Arcidi gets a bearhug to finish him off soon after. 2 for 9.

WWF TITLE, LUMBERJACK MATCH: HULK HOGAN (Champion) vs. RANDY “Macho Man” SAVAGE (with Elizabeth)
-Your lumberjacks are Leaping Lanny Poffo, Ricky Steamboat, Dan Spivey, King Tonga, George Steele, Corporal Kirchner, Tony Atlas, Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Les Thornton, King Kong Bundy, Barry O, Magnificent Muraco, and Hart Foundation. -In an amazing display of kayfabe preservation, Hogan’s ribs are taped to sell the attack from King Kong Bundy, which wouldn’t air on television for another two weeks!

-Hogan attacks from behind. Hogan clotheslines the hell out of Savage and uses the belt as a weapon. Back suplex by Hogan, and he sends Savage to the floor. He lands on the face side, where the faces don’t bother forcing Savage back in; they just let Hogan come on out and kick his ass some more. Back in the ring, Hogan catches him in a bearhug and rams him into the corner.

The beating just continues with an atomic drop, but when Hogan goes off the ropes, Bundy & Muraco hook his legs to trip him up, and Hogan goes to the floor to pound both of them. Back in the ring, Savage captures the advantage with a knee and comes off the top rope with an axehandle for two. He sends Hogan out to Bundy’s side of the ring and gets double-teamed by Bundy & Muraco. They force him back in the ring and Savage liked that so much that he sends Hogan out of the ring again for a do-over.

Savage gets another axehandle off the top for a two-count. Clothesline for another two-count. Savage rips off the tape and intelligently hangs onto it so Hogan is tethered to him, making it easier to do another move from the turnbuckle. Deafening “Hogan” chant erupts as Savage continues the onslaught. He finally works the ribs, which he should have been doing from the start, but Hogan still keeps kicking out. Savage goes to the top rope and drops a flying elbow, but Hogan kicks out and Hulks up. Series of punches and a big boot. Hogan & Savage try a criss-cross, but George Steele hooks Savage’s leg to trip him up and Hogan immediately capitalizes with a legdrop and a quick three-count. 3 for 10. GREAT breakneck paced action that blew off the feud while transitioning into new feuds for both men.

 

 

3.0

The final score: review Bad

The 411

The three thumbs-up were good but not to a degree that they need to be sought out. Take a pass on this one.