The Name on the Marquee: NWA World Championship Wrestling (5.17.1986)

-Cold open: Jimmy Garvin and Tully Blanchard are in a tag match against Wahoo & I-think-Sam-Houston? Tully wins with the slingshot suplex and Wahoo comes in to attack Garvin after the bell.

-Originally aired May 17, 1986.

-Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & David Crockett, and Jim Crockett walks out before they’ve even said word one. He’s brought out The Mama Cass Workout on VHS for Baby Doll. He promises big fines and suspensions for Dusty and Magnum after their outrageous shenanigans the past few weeks.

MAGNUM T.A. (United States Champion) vs ART PRITTS
-Crockett predicts that this is going to be a great match, so apparently Crockett hit his head on something and forgot every match Magnum has ever wrestled on this show. Bell, belly-to-belly, bell. Whew, I’m out of breath.

-The Rock & Roll Express promise that the Three Horsemen are gonna find out exactly what rock & roll is all about. We get some quality prop comedy from Ricky Morton, holding up a gigantic pair of underpants and saying it came from a woman that Ric Flair had sex with.

-Manny Fernandez is here, along with Jimmy Valiant. Valiant’s gonna boogie-woogie, and Fernandez is gonna take care of business. He promises that everybody in Paul Jones’ Army is going to look like Barbarian when he gets done with the pair of clippers. Well, Teijo Khan has almost the same haircut, and Baron Von Offmylawn is totally bald, so your enemies already made tremendous progress for you.

RON GARVIN vs ROBERT BURROUGHS
-Garvin gets Burroughs down to the mat and puts the sugar on him. Rear chinlock by Garvin. Headbutts and chops, and Garvin didn’t wince after the chop so it looks like his hand might be on the mend. Cute spot with Garvin managing to pretzel Burroughs without actually using his hands or his feet. Garvin’s offense is so low-frills but I love it because it really looks like WRESTLING and as a bonus it looks painful as all hell. Hands of stone finishes, so for sure, Garvin has healed up.

-Cornette insults David Crockett’s suit and Tony busts up.

MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (World Tag Team Champions, with Jim Cornette) vs ROCKY KERNODLE & VERNON DEATON
-Bodypress by Kernodle on Eaton. Dropkick and a monkeyflip follow, and Deaton steps in, thinking that this is their week, but he gets thrown to the floor immediately. Eaton orders the cameras around to get the best shots of his punches.

-Back in the ring, Eaton stomps away at Deaton. Crockett is actually somewhat amusing on commentary, announcing an impending sneak attack by the James Boys, and Cornette gets flustered when he gets caught looking for them.

-Deaton throws punches at Dennis Condrey. Condrey slugs him back down and chokes him while Cornette taunts him. Missile dropkick by Eaton. Rocket launch finishes. Now that WWE is phasing squash matches back in, this stuff should be mandatory viewing for everybody on the roster, because these guys were amazing at just getting maximum heat from a totally hopeless one-sided ass-kicking.

-Tully Blanchard Enterprises is here. Tony Schiavone asks JJ how he feels about Ron Garvin’s fully-recovered hand, and JJ cuts a promo about how much he hates Dusty Rhodes. It’s this really convoluted story about how Dusty Rhodes was scheming to wrestle with tape on his hand, so they got the injunction filed with Bob Geigel so that Dusty could see that NOBODY is allowed to wear tape. Tully starts talking and goes back and forth between Dusty and Ron Garvin with every sentence like he’s cutting the promo on a teeter-totter.

“Boogie Woogie Man” JIMMY VALIANT & “Ragin’ Bull” MANNY FERNANDEZ vs BRODIE CHASE & JERRY GARMON
-Valiant gets SWARMED by kids in the crowd on his way to the ring, so no matter how much I bitch, he’s over, so I need to STFU and put up with it.

-Fernandez comes to the ring separately and just wrestles himself without acknowledging his partner in a prescient moment. Valiant leads a “Bald headed geek” chant while Manny armdrags Chase and works his wrist. Valiant tags in and clamps on a nerve hold, then tags out after having sufficiently exerted himself. Paul Jones is near the entrance curtain watching the bout.

-Manny wrestles Chase some more. These guys are both just totally ignoring their partners and basically have a singles match until Manny hits the flying burrito for three. “Great teamwork!” David gushes. They didn’t do anything!

-Great American Bash is coming in the month of July! They promise the best in family entertainment, with Waylon Jennings, George Jones, and Delbert McClinton.

-Arn Anderson plans on defending the TV Title in every single city of the Bash tour. Onto Dusty Rhodes (yup), he warns that the Fourth Horseman will be back, when THEY decide the time is right.

ROAD WARRIORS (with Paul Ellering & for some reason Baby Doll) vs RAY TRAYLOR & CARL STILES
-Okay, this has to be close to the end of Traylor’s jobberdom. Warriors knock him out of the ring early and focus all their efforts on Stiles. Hawk sets up for what looks like a Razor’s Edge, then drops to his knees to make it a backbreaker for three.

GORGEOUS JIMMY GARVIN (with Precious) vs ROCKY KING
-I’m kind of amazed that they don’t just have Wahoo out here standing next to Tony & David, eating a sandwich and putting together a jigsaw puzzle so Garvin can ask where he is, then finish the match while Wahoo cuts a promo demanding to know where Garvin is. Like, really, it amazes me that somebody who’s been in the business as long as Wahoo, and has such a famous “Fuck you” reputation like Wahoo, is participating in an angle that just makes him look like such a piece of crap.

-Rocky King doesn’t even get his usual offense this week, as Garvin just destroys him in a hurry and finishes with the brainbuster.

-We re-watch Wahoo attacking Garvin after his team has already lost the match, but Arn Anderson attacks from behind and knocks him out to the floor. Garvin gives him a brainbuster on the concrete and leaves Wahoo out cold.

IVAN & NIKITA KOLOFF vs BOB PETERS & JIM DAWSON
-Ivan chokes Peters down to the mat and clotheslines him, but it’s not sickley enough so it only gets two. Dawson tags in and Nikita just steamrolls him like he was waiting for Dawson this whole time. Ivan chokes Dawson out, and Nikita finishes with the sickle.

-Koloffs talk about the Goodwill Games and how pathetic it is that Americans prefer to sit on their couches and watch the superior athletes from other countries.

-Tony final settles down all the clamor and curiosity that’s been rocking the wrestling world for the past month. NWA promoter Gary Juster confirms that on April 10 and 11, 1987, the second Crockett Cup will take place. Whew. I hope that avalanche of mail finally subsides.

ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS vs GENE LIGON & RANDY MULKEY
-Another fan mob for the babyfaces. Really quick match; bungled finish sees Morton tag in Gibson. Morton throws his dropkick immediately and Gibson (who was clearly expecting them to do a different double-team move) just looks at his partner like, “What? Already?” before pinning Mulkey to end it.

-Flair shows off his new double-breasted navy suit, and he has a right to be proud because it’s a damn good looking suit. He looks like a sexy weatherman. He taunts the Road Warriors, saying it’s nice to have a cup for tag team wrestling, but let’s face it…EVERYBODY would rather wear 30 pounds of gold, right?

-The James Boys are here. They’re gonna make more trouble for the Midnight Express real soon.

THE BARBARIAN & SHASKA WHATLEY (with Paul Jones) VS MIKE SIMANI & BILL MULKEY
-Barbarian overpowers Simani. Bodyslam by Shaska, who is growing out a beard to maximize his evil. He tosses Simani to the floor so Jones can stomp away. Headbutt off the ropes, and a diving headbutt by Barbarian ends it.

-Dusty Rhodes (suit and an Adidas t-shirt; Small television market sportscaster Dusty) and Baby Doll are making plans for Baby Doll to make her wrestling debut real, real soon…against Jim Cornette. By the end of the Great American Bash, Jim Cornette is going to feel embarrassed, and it’s going to be a worse feeling than any pain Dusty could inflict on him.

BARON VON RASCHKE (with Paul Jones) vs TONY ZANE
-Fresh bruise of the week on Zane: Right pectoral muscle bruise that’s almost the size of a footprint. Baron just pounds away at Zane before putting him out of his misery early with the claw.

-Ivan Koloff & Magnum TA are here. Ivan asked for the meeting and promises that he doesn’t want any trouble. He just has some terms and conditions for the upcoming US Title match. First, Nikita wants Magnum to join him for a press conference. Magnum is totally irritated but eventually agrees.

5.3

The final score: review Not So Good

The 411

The Dusty-is-All stuff is becoming a bit more palpable at this point but at least not irritating. Honestly a pretty unmemorable week this go-round.