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The Name on the Marquee: Saturday Night’s Main Event (5.3.1986)

January 28, 2015 | Posted by Adam Nedeff
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The Name on the Marquee: Saturday Night’s Main Event (5.3.1986)  

-I swear to you I’ve done a review of this one already, but I’ll be damned if I can find it.

-Cold open: Mean Gene runs down the card while various wrestlers jump in with soundbites. Adrian Adonis wants Paul Orndorff…ahem…and Hulk Hogan needs a bone to chew on.

-Originally aired May 3, 1986.

-We’re in Providence, Rhode Island.

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bobby Heenan.

-Gene Okerlund walks in on the Funks rehearsing a foreign object pass in the locker room and wants to know about the big surprise that the Funks have promised for their opponents. It’s the national debut of Jimmy Jack Funk, and Gene could not possibly sell him as any less of a threat. “Oh, wow, Jimmy Jack Funk, there you have it. Back to you, Vince.”

-Hulk Hogan, Junkyard Dog, and Haiti Kid respond with a magnificently awful promo. Haiti Kid, who will once again be at ringside collecting a paycheck because he has photos of somebody, says he’s not worried about Jimmy Hart because he wears red underwear. Again with the red underwear. Always the red underwear with this guy. Hulk follows him with the insult of all insults, calling Terry & Hoss “two butt-washers.”

HULK HOGAN & JUNKYARD DOG (with Haiti Kid) vs. TERRY & HOSS FUNK (with Jimmy Hart & Jimmy Jack Funk)
-Terry hasn’t set foot in the ring since Wrestlemania 2, and this would actually be his last match of this run. JYD is wearing a Hulkamania shirt and Hogan is wearing the collar & chain to show unity. JYD slams both Funks and Hulk follows with the rolling headbutts. Jimmy Hart tries to interfere but Haiti Kid yanks him off the apron.

-The match finally officially starts with Hoss & JYD, and JYD goes right back to a bodyslam. Hoss retreats, then tags out. Terry gets an advantage with punches, but misses a blind charge and launches himself out of the ring on impact. Terry makes lemons out of lemonade by chasing Haiti under the ring as long as he’s out there.

 

-Hulk & Hoss tag in. Hoss attempts a criss-cross but Hulk is too smart for it, and Terry ends up taking a boot to the face in the confusion. Terry tries throwing punches at JYD. Bobby Heenan: “He shouldn’t hit him in the head. It’s amazing how nature protects the weakest part of the body with the strongest.” Bravo.

-Jimmy Hart seizes the opportunity to KO’s Haiti Kid with the branding iron. JYD scoops up his little body to take him back for help, and Terry Funk hilariously stomps on his head on the way out. JYD heads out to Rent-a-Midget for a replacement (Thank you, Bobby) and we go to commercial.

-Back from the break, Hoss has the advantage and sends Hulk to the floor, where Terry and Jimmy Hart pounce. JYD goes to the floor to slam Terry Funk, and the faces double-team him. Back in the ring, Hoss gets a boot to the face and a headbutt. JYD tags back in as Haiti Kid returns. Hoss tries to fight back with punches. Terry tags in but misses a splash from the top rope. Hulk tags in and drops the leg to finish things. Post-match, the Funks clear the ring and absolutely destroy the midget until Hulk comes to the rescue. 0 for 1. Total mess with action all over the place, no way to keep track of it, and the faces absolutely dominated things.

 

-We go to the locker room for the official weigh-in leading up to tonight’s Battle of the Big Boys. King Kong Bundy weighs 468 pounds. Uncle Elmer, munching on a huge bucket of Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts, weighs 430 pounds.

 

BATTLE OF THE BIG BOYS: UNCLE ELMER vs. KING KONG BUNDY
-In a nice bit of continuity after last week’s Flower Shop, Uncle Elmer comes to the ring hatless. I repeat, hatless. Elmer actually is in the same position as Terry Funk tonight. He stayed completely out of the ring after Wrestlemania 2 and is only coming back to do a final job on his way out the door. It kind of amazes me that they’re getting rid of Elmer the same night that they introduced Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts. They’re wasting an opportunity to follow that with the Uncle Elmer Fried Pig Parts commercial, the TNT segment where Lord Alfred Hayes tries Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts and vomits, the angle where Elmer pisses off a heel by spilling Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts all over him, the follow-up angle where a heel steals the bucket of Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts, the Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts t-shirt, the Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts bucket-shaped coin bank, the Uncle Elmer action figure with Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts bucket accessory…wasted opportunities everywhere.

 

-Lock-ups don’t go anywhere. Elmer flexes, which puzzles Bundy. Bundy tries a series of shoulderblocks, all no-sold. Bundy clubbers, which Elmer sells by taking a knee and not offering any other kind of reaction. Bundy chokes and boots Elmer, and clearly gets in his ear and tells him something, and wouldn’t you know it, suddenly Elmer is selling for him.

 

-Elmer comes back with a series of butt rams in the corner and connects with an avalanche, but Bundy dodges a second one and drops a big elbow to get three instantly. Elmer completely shakes it off and is back on his feet by the time Finkel makes the official announcement. 0 for 2. Like you had to ask.

 

-Adrian Adonis sings “Hey hey, Paula, I wanna wrestle you tonight” to a cardboard cutout of Paul Orndorff. Meanwhile, Mr. Wonderful and Gene Okerlund sit in a sauna together. “More gay?” is a toss-up.

 

“Mister Wonderful” PAUL ORNDORFF vs. ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS (with Jimmy Hart)

-Orndorff hiptosses Adonis all over the place until he tumbles out to the floor. Back in, Adonis gets Irish whipped and tumbles right out. Commentary from a different time has Vince ranting about what a weirdo and a freak Adonis is, and diabolical heel Bobby Heenan says Adonis shouldn’t be judged just because what makes him comfortable is a little different from everybody else.

 

-Abdominal stretch by Orndorff, but Adonis makes it to the ropes. Orndorff just tosses him right out again. Jimmy Hart, carrying a purse, gets dragged into the ring, and Orndorff press slams him on top of Adrian. Adonis and Hart are almost out cold on the floor, so we break for a commercial.

 

-We come back to  Orndorff airplane spinning Adonis over the top and back out of the ring. He rams Adonis into the post and takes a time-out to beat up Jimmy Hart again, and Adonis sneaks over and smacks Orndorff with the megaphone. Adonis catches his breath and then goes to work with a series of knees. Adrian heads to the top rope and goes for a splash, but Orndorff raises his knees to counter the blow. Kneelift gets Adonis tangled in the ropes, Jimmy gets beat up again, and Orndorff shreds Adrian’s dress and uses a piece of it to strangle Adrian. Adrian’s sell of it is super-weird, because there’s a camera right next to him and Adrian is playing to the camera the whole time, with a thumb pulling the fabric away from his neck to show that he’s not really being choked through the whole thing.

 

-Anyway, Orndorff loses his temper and shoves the referee across the ring for daring to interrupt the illegal choking, so the referee DQ’s him. 1 for 3. I could go either way with the thumbs-up or thumbs-down here because the match was so odd—Adonis was treated like a complete jobber and then wins on a DQ fluke—but Adonis’ bumping made it fun  to watch, I guess.

 

-We get a special interview with Hulk Hogan where he recaps the King Kong Bundy feud and Wrestlemania 2.

 

-Gene Okerlund talks to Ricky Steamboat, who warns Jake Roberts that “I won’t tolerate that snake.”

 

-Jake gives Damien a pep talk in a wonderfully creepy bit.

 

RICKY “The Dragon” STEAMBOAT vs. JAKE “The Snake” ROBERTS

-Jake ambushes The Dragon on the apron and sends him down to the concrete. He gives Steamboat the DDT on the bare concrete floor with an audible thud on impact, and he drags Steamboat’s dead body into the ring and drags Damien all over Steamboat’s mouth while Steamboat’s wife watches in horror. Now THAT’s a non-match segment! 2 for 4.

 

-The British Bulldogs are ready for their first title defense.

 

-Vince McMahon gives us a medical report, saying that Ricky Steamboat’s head injury is so severe that he will have to stay out of the ring for about a week. I love wrestling.

 

-Volkoff & Sheik want their belts back!

 

TAG TEAM TITLES, 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS: BRITISH BULLDOGS (Champions, with Captain Lou Albano) vs. NIKOLAI VOLKOFF & IRON SHEIK (with Classy Freddy Blassie)

FALL ONE: Volkoff & Davey Boy start. Volkoff misses a charge and gets headbutted to and fro. Davey Boy comes off the ropes and Volkoff catches him and drops him throat-first across the top rope. Sheik tags in, suplexes Davey Boy, and clamps on the camel clutch, and Davey Boy submits immediately. Damn. Sheik and Volkoff take the fall in under a minute.

 

FALL TWO: Davey Boy gets Sheik’s boot right in the eye. Sheik applies an abdominal stretch. Davey Boy hiptosses out, but Volkoff tags right back in and goes on the offensive. Vince notices that Davey Boy didn’t even try to make the tag during his window of opportunity and speculates that Dynamite is injured.

 

-Davey Boy gets a sunset flip, but Sheik distracts long enough to prevent the three count. Davey Boy gets caught in the bad part of town and Blassie interferes for a bit. Volkoff slams him and thinks it’s a three-count, but Davey Boy gets a foot on the ropes, and when Volkoff turns his back to celebrate, Davey Boy rolls him up for a sudden three to tie the match.

 

FALL THREE: Vince confirms that Dynamite has a knee injury while Volkoff beats on Davey Boy. Sheik goes for the Boston crab, but Davey Boy claws his way to the ropes. Backbreaker by Volkoff, but Davey Boy is still in it. Bearhug by Volkoff, but Davey Boy punches out. Volkoff tags but Davey Boy immediately powerslams him for two.

 

-Dynamite FINALLY tags in only to get caught in a bearhug. Gutwrench suplex by Sheik (after clearly asking Dynamite if he’s okay to take the bump). Camel clutch is locked on, a melee breaks out, and Davey Boy sneaks in and rolls up Sheik to get the three-count without the referee noticing that it’s the wrong Bulldog. 3 for 5. Good match considering that the strongest worker was taking the night off.

 

-For the first time ever, “Take Me Home” by Phil Collins closes the show, over a really effective montage of fans leaving the arena.

 

6.0
The final score: review Average
The 411
Okayish batch of matches this time around but not a must-see.
legend

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