The Name on the Marquee: Smoky Mountain Wrestling (7.16.1994)
This is another one that I wrote years ago before I began my long-term binge of this promotion, hence the parts where I sound like I’m not familiar with this stuff.
-Originally aired July 16, 1994.
-We’re in Warrensville, NC.
-Your hosts are Bob Caudle & Les Thatcher. We start with the random drawing for Beat the Champ: Tracy Smothers will be facing Brian Lee.
-The Dirty White Boy emerges with the SMW Heavyweight Title and says he proved himself against Jake “The Snake” Roberts and says he’s ready to do the same thing against his next challengers, Terry Gordy & Dick Slater. NOTE FROM PRESENT DAY ADAM: This, by the way, was the culmination of Jake self-destructing and fucking things up for everyone around him, as he pulled a series of no-shows, nearly got himself fired, talked Cornette into giving him one last chance, and then no-showed his one last chance, so finally, Cornette just had to do a phantom title change to get the belt back on Dirty White Boy and end this.
SCOTT & STEVE ARMSTRONG vs. CHRIS HAMRICK & STEVE SKYFIRE
-The Armstrongs absolutely should not dance to “Great Balls of Fire” for their entrance. Yet, they do.
-Hamrick is Irish whipped and armdragged all over the ring before making the tag. Skyfire throws forearms, but Steve Armstrong stops the offense with a backdrop. In comes Scott and they do some quality double-teaming. They finish with a missile dropkick by Steve as Scott holds the other Steve in place. Scott pins Steve and Steve celebrates.
-Bob Caudle talks to the Armstrongs, who assure us that their top goal is the tag belts. They suspect they weren’t getting title shots because their dad, the commissioner didn’t want to show favoritism, but now that Dad’s resigning, they want some gold.
-We have words from Jim Cornette, head of a union called the Federation of International Thugs and Eliminators (FITE! LOL!) whose promo is interrupted by a phone call: “He’s not getting the job done, so fire him!…His wife’s pregnant?…Well then fire her too, obviously they weren’t doing enough overtime.” Bob Armstrong wants the six-man tag team match involving a mystery partner, and he wants the stipulation to be Coward Waves the Flag. Jim will only accept if he gets a second six-man tag match the following night with a stipulation that HE wants. So August 5, it will be Coward Waves the Flag. August 6, it will be a Texas Death Match.
-Les talks to Bob Armstrong & Tracy Smothers. Jim Cornette will be the designated flag-bearing coward for his team, and Bob & Tracy introduce their flag bearer, incredibly crazy old redneck Ron Wright, who wouldn’t wave the flag even if somebody lost a finger or an arm. Wright announces that for good measure, he’s going to dunk his flag in concrete so that it can’t actually be waved, but if Jim Cornette interferes, he’ll get walloped over the head with that flag.
-We take a look back at the closing moments of the scaffold match from Starrcade ’86 and Jim Cornette’s big fall. Wonder why…
-Back to the interview, where Bob Armstrong announces that the third man on his team will be….drumroll…Road Warrior Hawk. Jim Cornette & Bruiser Bedlam race to the ring and throw a royal shitfit about it.
ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS vs. INFERNOS
-Gibson enziguiris job guy #1. In comes job guy #2 and he gets double-elbowed by the Express. Rock & Roll finishes with a double dropkick.
-Bob Caudle talks to the Express. They want the hair as badly as they want the belts!
-We go to footage from a fan’s home movie camera of an incident at the parking lot outside the arena for a recent show. Two children are getting autographs from Mark Curtis as the Thrillseekers arrive. The children go over to get autographs from them when Mark Curtis sees something and pulls them away. Mom, holding the camera, screams for help as two masked men and Jim Cornette emerge from the next car and beat the holy hell out of the Thrillseekers. Corny’s pink Zubaz and Monday Night RAW t-shirt are almost as lethal as the attack that they perpetrate. They leave the Thrillseekers injured and laying, before speeding off and getting away.
-We get words from the bruised and taped-up Thrillseekers, taped in what appears to be somebody’s apartment kitchen. The Thrillseekers are positive that the masked men were the Heavenly Bodies. They COULD go to court over this because it’s a clear case of assault and breach of contract (since the Heavenly Bodies lost a loser-leaves-town match and obviously didn’t leave town) but since Jim Cornette has an army of lawyers who would tie it up for months, they’d prefer to just have a wrestling match for vengeance.
-We go to the Heavenly Bodies & Jim Cornette, and they clearly borrowed the WWF’s facilities for this promo because the production quality takes such a giant leap forward. They’re PISSED about the WWF forcing the Heavenly Bodies (under threat of a fine) to return to SMW for a match. Corny is furious about the same false accusations being hurled at him that got hurled at the fine men of the LAPD when they were trying to take care of that felon Rodney King.
-In preparation for Night of the Legends, we take a look at the career of Cowboy Bob Orton. We go to pre-taped words from Cowboy Bob Orton, taped in what couldn’t possibly be anything other than his backyard. Corny gets a studio. The other guys get their apartments and backyards. It’s not as bad as making yourself champion, but it’s still pretty blatant.
-We recap the career of Ricky Gibson, older brother of Robert. Ricky was an emerging star and champion in his own right before being sidelined by injury. See him in person at Night of the Legends.
-Bob Caudle talks to Tammy Fytch, Chris Candido, & Brian Lee. Tammy whines about how everybody is against her and tries to organize a fundraising campaign so her fans can mail in donations for hiring the best lawyers that money can buy; that way, she’ll get out of having to give up her hair. Bob Caudle stops her from giving an address on the air.
BEAT THE CHAMP: TRACY SMOTHERS (Television Champion) vs. “Prime Time” BRIAN LEE (with Tammy Fytch & Chris Candido)
-Lee shoulderblocks Smothers. Tracy comes back with a bodypress for two. Brian lifts Tracy for an airplane spin and accidentally clips the referee with it, knocking him out. Candido tries to take advantage by interfering, but the Rock & Roll Express yanks him out of the ring and double-dropkicks Lee as the referee revives. Smothers calmly rolls over and pins Lee to retain.
-Cornette has a verbal heart attack about the arrival of Road Warrior Hawk, who is probably going to attempt to kill him.