The Name on the Marquee: Smoky Mountain Wrestling (8.28.1993)

-Originally aired August 28, 1993.

-We’re in Clintwood, VA.

-Somebody has a new Video Toaster, because we go through a full arsenal of unnecessary transition effects throughout this hour. Jobber Mike Sampson gets drawn for Beat the Champ, so it looks like a cakewalk to the $5,000 for Dirty White Boy, because this is his fifth TV Title match.

ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS vs ROBBIE EAGLE & DARK SECRET
-Once again, Dark Secret is Brian Armstrong/Road Dogg, pulling double duty as a masked jobber while being pushed as a new babyface star.

-Morton legsweeps Dark Secret while Dutch announces an upcoming hair vs. hair match between the Rock & Rolls and the Bruise Brothers in Morristown. Hart Attack by the Express, and the fresh jobber tags in. Morton snapmares him hard off the ropes. Secret tags back in but gets faceplanted by the Express, and the double dropkick finishes.

-Bob Caudle talks to the Express. They’ve worked hard for everything they ever got, and they never had a daddy who was a wrestling promoter, so that’s why they agreed to a hair vs. hair match. That’s…pretty nebulous.

-We go to Jim Cornette’s bedroom, where he’s in a big frilly bed surrounded by stuffed animals. Cornette is whining like a little kid as the Heavenly Bodies behave as his “parents,” icing him down. Cornette has a forehead bandage, a neckbrace, and his mouth stuffed with cotton. Not only did Armstrong send him out of the arena in an ambulance, but NOW, Armstrong, after near-murdering Cornette, calmly went back to the SMW board of directors, surrendered his wrestling license, and got his old job back as commissioner. Funny! Cornette threw his lawyers at SMW and challenged Bob Armstrong to just TWO more matches, and if Cornette can’t take care of things with two more matches, he’ll back off and let Armstrong be commissioner.

-Cornette challenges Armstrong to a match on September 12 against a new protégé. If Armstrong wins, he’s commissioner. If Armstrong loses, Cornette is commissioner. On September 17, Armstrong faces a second new protégé. If Armstrong wins, Cornette leaves SMW; if Armstrong loses, Armstrong leaves SMW. Cornette won’t say who either man is for the moment, but he teases Yokozuna and Abdullah the Butcher.

-But Cornette is too excited and decides to spill the beans about the match on September 12. He’s a former NWA champion, and he’s a homicidal psychopath…He’s Terry Funk. He’s coming to Knoxville, and he’s coming for you, Bob Armstrong.

-And heeeeeeeere’s Terry Funk! Bob Armstrong is wanted for attempted murder of the professional wrestling business, and Terry Funk will cast sentence in Knoxville. The post-production on this is REALLY irritating, with a star field at the beginning of the promo for no reason, and then constant streaks of lightning surrounding Terry while “I’ll see you pukes in Knocksville” scrolls half-way across the screen over and over and over again.

-Bob Caudle talks to Bob Armstrong. He goes over the stipulations and he admits to being a little nervous just because so much is on the line, but he’s ready for a fight.

-The Armstrongs are excited about next Saturday’s card in Barbourville. The Brothers are ready for the hospital elimination match, and Daddy Bob is ready to face Jim Cornette in a cage.

BEAT THE CHAMP TV TITLE: DIRTY WHITE BOY (Champion, with Mr. Ron Wright) vs MIKE SAMPSON
-This is DWB’s fifth title defense, so he collects $5,000 and vacates the title if he wins.

-DWB lays a beating on Sampson while the commentators wonder if Brian Lee and Dirty White Boy have come to any agreement about how to split the $20,000 for injuring Tracy Smothers.

-DWB chokeslams Sampson and pins him immediately.

DOWN AND DIRTY WITH DUTCH
-Dutch congratulates DWB for his $5,000, and we recap last week’s big attack on Tracy Smothers. Dirty White Boy and Brian Lee were both perpetrators, but they can’t agree on which one of them actually caused the injury, so now there’s the matter of how to split Mr. Ron Wright’s bounty.

-Brian Lee and Tammy Fytch are out here and everybody is all smiles. He’s so happy with how things turned out that he’s rounded up a grand total of $25,000 from his insurance policy instead of the previously agreed $20,000. Mr. Wright presents the full $25,000 to Brian Lee, saying he deserves all the credit. DWB is pissed off and says he helped with the injury and he helped Brian Lee capture the SMW Title to begin with, so he deserves a cut of the money.

-Tammy Fytch, who all of a sudden as her arms wrapped around Mr. Wright and is giving him a backrub, says that “Ronnie” saw things differently at first, but she talked it over and suddenly Mr. Wright, er, RONNIE agreed to pay the full bounty to Brian Lee. Mr. Wright says he needs his heart pills, quick!

-Tim Horner says that he still thinks Chris Candido is a crybaby, and sometimes, you have to give a crybaby a whipping. He challenges Tim Horner to a Country Whippin’ Match. Both men have belts tied to their wrist for the whole bout, no disqualification.

“Suicide Blonde” CHRIS CANDIDO (WWA Champion) vs JASON WEST
-Jobber looks like Malibu from the first season of American Gladiators.

-West wrings the arm and hiptosses Candido. Dropkick sends him scurrying out to the floor and he whines about how hard he got kicked. Candido comes to life after the retreat and throws West out to the floor. Candido launches himself over the top and crashes on top of West. Candido suplexes him back in as Bob Caudle confirms once again that there is no evidence available that the WWA exists. Seriously, there HAS to be a payoff to that coming soon, right?

-Suicideplex gets the win. Candido demands the microphone after the match and announces he’s going to show Tim Horner what a New Jersey whipping looks like. He gets out a belt and lays another beating on West.

-Bruise Brothers are ready for the hair vs. hair match!

STEVE ARMSTRONG vs KEVIN SULLIVAN
-Both guys come out swinging. Chop by Armstrong sends Sullivan out to the floor. They brawl out there and head back in. Bodypress by Armstrong gets two. They brawl on the floor and go over the barricade. Fans actually get knocked out of their seats by these guys, and Sullivan takes their chairs and drills Armstrong with them.

-Brawl keeps going and Sullivan looks to finish with a powerbomb, but Armstrong kicks out. Armstrong comes back with jabs and a clothesline off the top rope, but suddenly the Bruise Brothers are here to attack. The rest of Armstrong’s Army makes the save and clears the ring.

-Tammy complains about Mongolian Stomper being too ugly for a title shot in Kentucky next weekend.

-“Thank God for family!” say the Armstrongs.

6.6

The final score: review Average

The 411

Loving the Dirty White Boy's new issue, and Terry Funk is on the way, which just instantly makes me happy. Good week here, and good weeks ahead, I'm guessing.