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The Name on the Marquee: WWF at Boston Garden (5.24.1986)

February 20, 2015 | Posted by Adam Nedeff
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The Name on the Marquee: WWF at Boston Garden (5.24.1986)  

-It’s May 24, 1986.

-Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes.

TONY GAREA vs. IRON MIKE SHARPE
-Place your bets: Which one gets referred to as a “veteran” first? Bell sounds and Gorilla makes it a push by saying this match is between “two real ring veterans.”

-Test of strength; Iron Mike turns it into an arm wringer but Tony literally flips him off, so Mike goes outside for a walk. Back in, he tries to take a free shot with the loaded forearm brace, but he hits the turnbuckle instead and goes outside for a walk.

-Back in, Garea Irish whips Sharpe and then lays down directly in front of him. Sharpe, not recognizing this as the cue for a monkeyflip, remains slumped in the corner and Garea looks like an idiot. So Garea Irish whips him again, and wouldn’t you know it, he follows through with a monkeyflip! Sharpe goes outside for a walk.

-Back in, Garea slingshots Sharpe. Sunset flip gets two. Sharpe finally gets to work with headscissors and uses a handful of tights to get a couple of two-counts. Sharpe gives him a hard smack with the forearm brace and snaps Garea’s neck over the top rope. He misses a right hand and Garea connects with a bodypress for three yet somehow just two. Crowd’s pretty damn sure this match is over and the referee and Gorilla Monsoon are the only ones disagreeing.

-Iron Mike tries a piledriver and Garea backdrops out. Sharpe gets rammed into the turnbuckles and atomic dropped for two. Hard punch causes Sharpe to get tangled into the ropes. Sharpe knocks Garea onto the apron and Garea slingshots himself back in with a sunset flip for two. Garea tries another sunset flip toward the corner, and Sharpe ducks down and speeds up so Garea hits the turnbuckle full-force and knocks himself silly, and Iron Mike gets the win out of nowhere. 1 for 1. Damn, both of these guys had their Wheaties today! Long match but almost wall-to-wall action.

SIVI AFI vs. BRETT “Hit Man” HART
-Boston POPS for the Hit Man!

-Brett complains about hairpulling for a bit. He applies a side headlock and uses handfuls of hair to hold onto it. Gorilla Monsoon goes into his usual tangent about how nobody ever won a match with a side headlock, but then unexpectedly clarifies “except for Ed ‘Strangler’ Lewis.”

-Brett tries for a sunset flip but Sivi reverses and turns it into his own near fall. Brett gets so frustrated that he goes out for a walk and a fan holds up a big “DOUCHE BAG” sign right next to Brett’s head, and the arena sends a damn SWAT team over to confiscate the sign so fans in future years can read Brett’s accounts of all the random road sex he had without being distracted by thoughts of “Douche bag” coming to mind.

-Brett clips Afi’s knee and stomps all over him, and a legdrop by Brett gets two. Gorilla refers to the Samoan Sivi Afi as “a Fijian,” which Alfred tries to save by explaining that Samoa is located within a canoe ride of Fiji, which helps explain why Gorilla and Lord Alfred never successfully captured Carmen Sandiego.

-Chinlock by Brett nearly buts Sivi away but then it doesn’t. Brett tosses Afi out to the floor, and then offers the referee an insincere “Sorry” when he gets reprimanded.  Back in, Afi tries to get something going, but Brett beheads him with a clothesline for two. Brett has an absolute meltdown at the referee for slow counting, screaming “Cooooooooooooooount!” with Shatner-like emotion.

-Afi dodges a dropkick and Brett crashes and lays motionless. Sivi goes upstairs but Brett’s playing possum and he springs right up. Afi jumps off the top and Brett catches him and rolls through for package for the three-count.  2 for 2. Not great, but good.

TONY ATLAS vs. KING KONG BUNDY (with Bobby Heenan)
Fat is stronger than muscle, so Bundy wins the test of strength to start. Atlas goes for a shoulderblock and Bundy totally no-sells it. Atlas tries again, Bundy no-sells again. Atlas comes off the ropes expecting another shoulderblock, but Tony changes it up and makes it a bodypress, and since Bundy wasn’t expecting that, it knocks him off his feet. Atlas follows that with a headbutt as Gorilla explains that Bundy gets a rematch against Hogan if he wins. On the other hand, if Tony wins the match, he gets the ENTIRE can of soda on his next flight.

-Atlas attempts a sunset flip and Bundy punches him right between the eyes. Elbow gets two. Bundy chokes Atlas and goes for a splash, but Atlas gets out of the way and starts his comeback. Lefts and rights and Bundy goes down. Heenan takes a headbutt off the apron for good measure, but then Bundy reverses an Irish whip, and the avalanche plus a big elbow gets three. 2 for 3. I get that Tony doesn’t have much longer to go here, but this really was just BARELY a notch above a weekend squash match.

DAVID SAMMARTINO vs. TIGER CHUNG LEE
-Whatever you want to believe about Vince McMahon, the man has an unlimited supply of second chances. David is back for another shot, having quit in memorable but wildly unprofessional fashion at the Spectrum six months earlier, and that looked to be the end of his career until his manager cut David’s hours at Spaceport, and now he’s back, 20 pounds lighter with something to prove.

-Chunger takes David off his feet with a waistlock right away. David gets back to his feet but Lee turns it into a drop toehold. David gets free and does a drop toehold of his very own. Lee gets free and makes it a top wristlock, and Gorilla actually calls attention to the fact that David isn’t selling. “Look at his face, there’s nothing there.”

-Snapmare into a side headlock by Lee and the Boston crowd is starting to check out. Series of chops by Lee for two. Chinlock by Lee and I’m beginning to suspect that this match is a rib on David Sammartino. Shoulderblock by Lee. He goes for another one and David armdrags him, with Lee landing right on his head.

-Lee Irish whips David and gives him a hard slam, then lifts him by the ears to send him into the ropes. David throws some punches, with Lee completely shakes off before chopping David some more. Thrust kick and a high knee by Lee get a two-count. Gorilla says the referee must have seen something he couldn’t see because that was a three-count.

-Lee continues just beating and beating and beating on David. David sweeps Lee’s leg and lee gets right back up and continues clubbing and chopping him. David gets dropped throat-first on the top rope and Gorilla points out that David clearly hit his hand on the top rope and not his neck.

-David gets a cradle out of nowhere for the three-count, and Lee beats him up after the match. 2 for 4. What the HELL did I just watch?

WWF TITLE: HULK HOGAN (Champion) vs. RANDY “Macho Man” SAVAGE (Intercontinental Champion, with Elizabeth)
-Weird crowd reaction from Boston, showing no sign of recognition when Hulk’s theme starts playing, but then exploding when he’s actually visible.

-Savage stalls for a bit before we get started. Lock-up and Hogan shoves Savage right down. Savage tries a side headlock but Hulk shoves him into the ropes and shoulderblocks him down. Savage stalls some more. Hogan spits at him and Savage charges, but now Hogan goes to the floor and does his own stalling. Savage gets pissed and teases coming off the top rope with the axehandle, but Hulk’s looking right at him and has one fist in the air ready to pop him.

-Hogan heads back into the ring…and Savage stalls. Savage offers a handshake and Hogan just begins unloading on him with punches and elbows. Bodyslam in the middle of the ring, called a powerslam in the corner by Alfred, and Hogan follows with a series of elbows. Atomic drop sends Savage out to the floor.

-Hogan won’t let him stall this time. He heads out to the floor and goes right to him, so Savage uses Elizabeth as a human shield. Back in the ring, Hogan lifts Savage by the neck and chokes him. Irish whip and a clothesline by Hogan. Savage goes outside again and makes Hogan chase him, and he pounces when Hogan gets back into the ring. Axehandle from the top gets two. He tosses Hogan out to the floor and connects with the axehandle again. He rams Hogan into the barricade and knocks it over, setting a new Boston Garden record of five whole matches before somebody did that spot.

-Back in the ring, another axehandle gets two, with Elizabeth uncharacteristically bringing the high acting at ringside with every pinfall attempt. Patented flying elbow gets two. Hogan just flings him completely off and starts hulking up. Hogan goes for the big boot and Savage dives out to the floor to avoid it. Elizabeth blocks Hogan from getting to Savage, which Alfred points to as proof that Elizabeth isn’t as sweet and innocent as she acts. She did it willingly that time.

-They head back into the ring, where Savage ducks a clothesline and referee Danny Davis doesn’t. Davis is OUT and Savage capitalizes, sending Hogan to the floor and then coming off the top rope with the belt, and Hogan is OUT and busted open.  Savage revives Danny Davis, and Davis counts out the Hulkster. Savage tries to leave with the belt, but Hogan, a bloody mess, carries him over his shoulders back to the ring and takes a swing at him with the belt. Savage ducks and gets the hell out of Boston. 3 for 5. Good, but nothing special by Hogan/Savage standards.

HERCULES HERNANDEZ vs. SCOTT MCGHEE
-Shoulderblock by Hernandez and he applies a side headlock. McGhee gets out and dropkicks Hernandez out to the floor. Back in, Hernandez takes control with a back suplex. Elbow gets two. He drops McGhee on the top rope and McGhee doesn’t protect himself at all. Neat bit with a little kid yelling insults at Hercules, and Hercules stomps on McGhee while looking right at the kid and the kid bolts away.

-McGhee gets a snap suplex out of nowhere and follows with a belly-to-belly. He goes to the top rope and connects with a kneedrop for two. European uppercuts by McGhee, but Hercules reverses an Irish whip and follows right away with a backbreaker for the pin. 3 for 6. This bored me a little bit.

JIM “The Anvil” NEIDHART vs. LEAPING LANNY POFFO
Lanny’s poem says that the Anvil’s crewcut and beard make him look like Elmer Fudd. I’m on Anvil’s side immediately.

-Anvil goes nuts on Lanny right away. He sends Lanny over the top rope. Lanny skins the cat and Anvil is waiting for him with a clothesline. Irish whip and biting by the Anvil. He tosses Lanny through the ropes. Lanny lands on his feet and charges back in, but Anvil is waiting on him and just beats on him some more.

-Lanny connects with a dropkick out of nowhere. That stuns Anvil, so Lanny gives it another shot. He slams the Anvil into place and moonsaults the Anvil for two. Lanny slams Anvil again and goes to the top rope, but this time he misses. Anvil goes to the second rope and connects with a fistdrop for two. 3 for 7. Lanny could have given more than a squash match and for some reason it didn’t happen tonight.

CORPORAL KIRCHNER vs. NIKOLAI VOLKOFF
Volkoff attacks right away with his usual offense until Kirchner comes to life with an atomic drop. He chokes Volkoff. Dropkick that misses Nikolai by about a foot (with an audible “Oooooooh” by Gorilla on the mistake). Another dropkick misses and Volkoff stomps away. Bow & arrow by Volkoff, but Kirchner won’t give up. Bearhug by Volkoff, but Kirchner expertly claps one of his hands against the other one of his hands to break the hold.

-Double underhook suplex by Volkoff gets two. Kirchner reverses an Irish whip but misses the follow-through charge and goes out to the floor. Volkoff slams him back in, but Kirchner holds on through the impact and makes it a cradle for three. 3 for 8. Well, this was just awful.

DAVEY BOY SMITH, “Golden Boy” DANNY SPIVEY, & PEDRO MORALES vs. LUSCIOUS JOHNNY VALIANT & THE DREAM TEAM
Weirdness on commentary, with an attempt to turn “Sweet Brutus” into a nickname. It beats the shit out of The Vigilante Sting.

-Valentine goes to work right away on Morales while Gorilla notes that he’s surprised that this is a one-fall match because six-man bouts are almost always 2 out of 3. I feel like Gorilla’s copy of the rulebook appeared to him in the same dream where he saw beer with candy floating at the top of it and called it Skittlebrau.

-Spivey tags in and it’s a slugfest. Backdrop by Spivey gets two. Everybody takes turns working Valentine’s arm. Referee distraction allows a cheap shot on Davey Boy, and Brutus tags in. Front facelock by Brutus, followed by an elbow off the ropes for two. Davey Boy is sufficiently beaten down so Johnny tags in and works Davey’s leg. Dream Team switches off, putting the boots to Davey Boy.

Brutus tries to do the figure four himself, but screws it up and says “the hell with this.” He tags in Valentine and Valentine goes for it, but Davey Boy kicks him into the corner. Donnybrook nearly breaks out and the referee breaks it up, but while he’s distracted by the faces, Johnny and the Dream Team triple team Davey Boy. It’s times like this I can’t help thinking these kinds of matches need two referees.

-Davey Boy tags out but nobody is really sure which partner he tagged, so a brawl breaks out. Spivey bulldogs Valiant, but the Dream Team breaks that tag. Pedro sneaks over with a backbreaker, and Spivey goes for the pin again, and this time it gets three. 3 for 9. That was…surprisingly underwhelming.

 

3.3
The final score: review Bad
The 411
Man, the wheels fell off that show surprisingly quickly. Congratulations to Iron Mike Sharpe for pocketing the "Match of the Night" trophy.
legend

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WWF, Adam Nedeff