The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (1.11.1986)

-Originally aired January 11, 1986.

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino.

JUNKYARD DOG & GEORGE “The Animal” STEELE (with Captain Lou Albano) vs. MOONDOG SPOT & JOHN RIZZO
-Brawl to start, with Animal and Moondog on the floor, and JYD and Rizzo in the ring. It turns into a four-man brawl in the ring and the jobbers actually get the upper hand for a while. Match is completely out of control, with the commentators pointing out that there aren’t even any tags happening, the wrestlers just come and go for spots.

-Steele bites everything he can and Dog comes in and lands a few shots on Rizzo that Vince predicts “aren’t going to be enough to put Rizzo away,” so guess what happens immediately.

UPDATE
-Lord Alfred Hayes profiles Hawaii’s greatest contributions to professional wrestling, Ricky Steamboat and Don Muraco. Steamboat is determined to win the feud once and for all. We get clips of Steamboat putting away a jobber on his road to his final confrontation with Muraco, which was a week ago.

TERRY FUNK (with Jimmy Hart) vs. MICHAEL SEXTON
-They cannot decide on the spelling for the Michael Jackson wannabe for some reason.

If he’s supposed to be Michael Jackson, why does he wear his hair like Rick James?

-Crowd screams “Asshole!” at Terry while Jimmy Hart goads Sexton/Saxon into chasing him. Sexton takes the bait and gets murdered by Funk on the floor. “Asshole” chant is actually getting louder while Vince, sounding pretty stunned, says he can’t figure out what they’re all yelling.

-Funk does the JYD crawling headbutts and then puts Saxton to sleep. He brands him after the match.

-Gene Okerlund hypes tonight’s Boston Garden spectacular. Tito Santana says he’s tired of being told to polish the Intercontinental Title belt for Randy Savage. He says it’s shined up real nice, but only for the Boston fans, because it’s the city where he won his first title. He tries to shame Savage for mistreating Elizabeth but magically forgets how to form sentences when he tries, so he gives up and cuts a promo in Spanish instead.

TITO SANTANA (Intercontinental Champion) & PEDRO MORALES vs. AL NAVARRO & STEVE LOMBARDI
-Criss-cross between Lombardi and Tito goes Tito’s way. Pedro adds a slam, and Steve’s had enough of this and tags in Al Navarro. Tito winds up beating on both opponents and finishes with the figure four.

-Gene Okerlund talks to Bruno Sammartino, who’s thrilled that the big night is finally here. Big Mouth Piper has been calling him “warshed up” long enough, and tonight Bruno’s gonna show him how “warshed up” he is. Paul Orndorff, filled with coffee and cheap speed, runs in and shows off his plaster cast, and says he’ll knock out Piper and Orton in the main event.

HANDICAP MATCH: KING KONG BUNDY (with Big John Studd & Bobby Heenan) vs. JEFF CRIPLEY & PAUL DOSE
-Bundy alternates clubbing and clotheslining his opponents. He stacks Cripley on top of Dose and then splashes both of them, and finishes with the five-count. Vince marvels that Bundy doesn’t even appear to be sweating, although his head is quite shiny. Deep, Vince.

PIPER’S PIT
-Jimmy Hart ecstatically runs onto the set and says he has a big surprise for everyone: “The New Adrian Adonis!” Adonis walks in with bows in his hair. He says he’s tough enough to wear whatever he wants, and he’s jumping out of the closet with no brooms behind him. He gives Piper his old tough guy gear, his leather jacket, explaining that he doesn’t need it anymore.

MAGNIFICENT MURACO (with Mr. Fuji) vs. JOE WILLIAMS
-Williams is pale and MAYBE weighs 160. Muraco just mauls him and tosses him out to the concrete. Fuji adds a few free shots while Muraco chats with the referee. Muraco and Fuji add a wonderfully dickish bow after the interference. Tombstone gets the win.

-Vote for the Slammy Awards. Okay, if they haven’t voted by now, they aren’t going to. Can we please devote these two minutes to something else now?

RICKY “The Dragon” STEAMBOAT & KING TONGA vs. RON SHAW & A.J. PETRUZZI
-“Sirius” plays for Steamboat, one of his first uses of this theme, and it’s incredible how the crowd just comes to a standstill during the first few notes and then loses their shit at the sight of Steamboat. I seriously think he got about 10% more over just from having that for entrance music.

-Tonga slams Petruzzi, and does a little dance. Fact: As a result of his entire run as Meng, the sight of Tonga’s dancing will always be funny.

-Back suplex by Tonga gets two, and Shaw tags in. Things don’t go well so he tags Petruzzi back in and Steamboat finishes with the chop from the top.

-Piper and Orton offer their final words for Bruno and Orndorff.

What makes Piper so awesome is that even when he cuts a heel promo, it’s not like he’s just saying this stuff to be a bad guy. No matter what mean, nasty stuff he says, he sounds like he totally believes it. He’s emotionally invested in beating Bruno and Paul.

The 411: Otherwise forgettable show brought to life by the bizarre Adonis segment. Kind of a thumbs-up...more of a slightly upward slant of the thumb.
Final Score:  5.9   [ Not So Good ]  legend