The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (1.4.1986)

-Everyone, I want you to meet my friend Rose Harmon. Prior to now, her only real presence in the online wrestling community is that she’s on the Wrestlecrap message boards, username redheadedspitfire. In the world outside the Wrestlecrap message boards, she’s my ex-roommate. And today, while the pipes in my apartment are being replaced and I’m being booted from my own spot for seven hours, I’ve headed over to her place, which means I have somebody looking over my shoulder while I watch & type. Rose has not been watching these things along with me and until today, I’m not sure she realized I wrote recaps for a website. But I told her to chime in whenever she had a thought. Rose’s comments are in italics.

-Originally aired January 4, 1986.

-Sponsored this week by Castrol!

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino.

HILLBILLY JIM & COUSIN LUKE vs. MOONDOG SPOT & AL NAVARRO

You seriously need to write the jobbers’ names?

-Cousin Luke is a weird situation. He’s being introduced out of nowhere here…and in fact the commentators are treating it as if we’ve seen him before…to replace Cousin Junior. I guess we should just nod our heads and accept the switch from Hillbilly Darren #1 to Hillbilly Darren #2, but it sort of creates an elephant in the room about why Cousin Luke wasn’t invited to Elmer’s wedding. Even more awkward is the crowd shot of the guy excitedly holding up a sign with Cousin Junior’s name.

-We lead off with Cousin Luke sitting in the corner because he doesn’t get how tag team wrestling works. Spot works the arm of Hillbilly Jim, but runs into the bare foot of Cousin Luke. Spot fights back and tags Navarro, and that ends badly. Jim tags back in and clamps on the bearhug to get the win. I think they had a missed opportunity here by not turning Spot face and establishing him as the most inbred of all of Jim’s relatives and the long-lost son of Aunt Grandma and a dirty tractor seat.

UPDATE
-Lord Alfred Hayes dusts off the feud of Ricky Steamboat and Magnificent Muraco before switching over to a plug for “Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘N Wrestling.” Lord Alfred speculates that we might like the cartoon if we watch.

HERCULES HERNANDEZ (with Classy Freddy Blassie) vs. JEFF CRIPPLEY
-Crippley is such a great wrestler name but somehow at the same time it isn’t.

Jesus, what’s with the lighting here? And Vince used to shit on ECW because THEY taped in a bingo hall? It’s like, okay, Paul didn’t always pay his wrestlers, but at least he paid the electric bill.

-Slams and elbows by Hercules. He’s taunted by a fan at ringside who simply brought a sign reading “Geek.” Running Kneedrop by Herc and the torture rack gets three.

-The Mean One promotes next Sunday’s spectacular in Boston. Savage says his match against Tito Santana is a stepping stone to Hulk Hogan and the WWF Championship. He says it’s appropriate that this match is happening in Boston, because Larry Bird is pretty good, but Savage is #1, oooooooh yeah. Elizabeth shyly walks in and cuts a heel promo with Savage feeding her the lines.

-Vote for the Slammys.

KILLER BEES vs. BARRY O & RICK JACOBS

Barry O is Randy Orton’s uncle? Wow, no wonder they took a commercial break before this match, they probably had to give him extra time to walk to the ring.

-Jacobs looks like a jobber version of Dynamite Kid.

-O gets some early offense on Blair. Jacobs, who has “The Bomb” printed on his ass, falls victim to an impressive dropkick from Brunzell for an easy three count.

-Roddy Piper apologizes to Boston for not chugging wine and having messed-up looking ears because apparently that’s what fans cheer for. He pities Sammartino for being reduced to team up with Paul Orndorff, who needs outside instruction to go to the bathroom correctly.

RANDY “Macho Man” SAVAGE (with Elizabeth) vs. DON DRIGGERS
-Driggers tosses Savage out to the floor to a big pop. But Savage is SO fucking fast that he’s able to run a lap around the ring without Driggers seeing him do it and sneaks up on Driggers to knee him out to the floor.
– Back in, Savage comes off the top with the double axehandle, and the flying elbow finishes.

PIPER’S PIT
-Our guest is the Ladies’ Champion, the Fabulous Moolah, and they are just totally done with Wendi because there’s no acknowledgement at all of the former champion, merely that Moolah has the gold again. Piper basically asks Moolah if it’s harder to train for pro wrestling for somebody with boobs, and Moolah says that she’s very good at wrestling, and also that she doesn’t want to go on a date with Hulk Hogan. Piper is so delighted to hear that that he plants to big wet soap opera kiss on Moolah.

-Howard Finkel promotes the Boston Garden card.

Corporal Kirchner & Junkyard Dog vs. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff? And tickets are on sale? Fuck, I have reading to do that day!

CORPORAL KIRCHNER vs. GINO CARABELLO
-Carabello gets beaten down, goes out for a breather, then gets beaten down again. Double underhook suplex gets two. Fireman’s carry slam gets three. And don’t forget, he has a purely scientific match with Nikolai Volkoff coming up later tonight!

-More Slammy nominees. It took me a while to notice that the clip they’ve been showing of Junkyard Dog the past few weeks came from “American Bandstand.”

BRUTUS BEEFCAKE & GREG “The Hammer” VALENTINE (with Luscious Johnny Valiant) vs. TONY STETSON & PAUL DOSE
-Stetson has a horrible dye job that basically looks like somebody poured Velveeta & shells on his head.

-Valentine locks up with his daily recommended Dose of Vitamin Job. Brutus beats down Stetson and then goes right back to the apron. I never realized how little Beefcake actually did when he was part of this team. It actually makes you see his face turn at Wrestlemania III in a different light. They were totally right about him.

-Beefcake tags back in and playfully tugs on Stetson’s leg to “work it over” before bringing Valentine back in to close the barn with the figure four.

-Gene talks to JYD about his tag team match next week against “the former champwiches,” Volkoff & Sheik. He’s on a roll and he’s got a great partner. Sheik steps in and says that Boston-Boston is filled with handsome Italian paizzan, and Boston is an international city which is intelligent, but he doesn’t know if it is the home of Harvard.

Later that night…

Saturday Night’s Main Event #4: “The WWF Shines in Florida”
-Cold open: Mean Gene (wearing a turn-of-the-century swimsuit with a tuxedo design) watches Hulk make his patented Python Power Protein Drink, which, judging from the color, is Strawberry Nesquik mixed into Five Alive. Mean Gene has a sip and has a massive seizure. Meanwhile. Uncle Elmer and the family go swimming while Jesse Ventura & Roddy Piper, surrounded by beautiful women, complain about the bacon smell.

-Taped December 19, 1985 in Tampa, FL. Aired January 4, 1986 on NBC.

-Your host is Vince McMahon. Jesse Ventura comes in and cuts a really funny promo where he has to dance around the fact that the feud started with Cousin Junior, but tonight’s opposition includes Cousin Luke instead. Jesse’s solution: he just thoughtlessly refers to the third guy as “Cousin Mudpie.” Anyway, Jesse boasts that he’s going to be the only sportscaster ever to back up what he says by competing in the event, and until I see Fred Roggin pick up a curling broom, he’s right.

-Also, since Jesse has decided Vince doesn’t know how to do commentary by himself, he’s going to have Bobby Heenan take his place at the table.

UNCLE ELMER, HILLBILLY JIM, & COUSIN LUKE vs. ROWDY RODDY PIPER, COWBOY BOB ORTON, & JESSE “The Body” VENTURA
-Rowdy Roddy Piper proclaims that he’s better than the Refrigerator—he’s Deep Freeze! It’s an 80s reference so dated I’d almost swear I was the one who thought of it. Mean Gene, having learned his lesson from the last SNME, allows only Hillbilly Jim to speak during the faces’ promo. Wide shot reveals that, by SNME standards, the commentators are unusually close to the ring, which I find interesting for some reason.

-Elmer and Jesse start and Jesse goes right to the eyes and pounds away. Chokehold is broken by Elmer and a punch sends him across the ring. Chokehold by Elmer and he rams Jesse into Jim’s boot. Hillbilly gets a chokehold and switches it to a more acceptable side headlock. Jesse knees the gut and tags out to Piper, but Jim immediately tags in fresh Cousin Luke. Piper offers a handshake, and Luke one-ups the heels by kicking Piper in the stomach during the shake. Orton tags in and avenges the poor sportsmanship with shoulderblocks and stomping.

-Piper re-enters now that some damage has been done and takes a moment to spit on Hillbilly Jim to taunt him. He does nothing of note and tags Orton back in. Orton & Ventura double-team Luke and Piper re-enters and slaps Luke…while Jesse holds him, of course. I have a new appreciation for Piper as a heel lately. Even when he was acting like a badass instead of coming right out and acting like a coward, there were little things about his style of wrestling that would reveal his “true nature.” He never tags in unless his opponents are clearly in trouble, and he only taunts when he’s obviously safe. It’s just really subtle and fun.

-Luke fights back at Piper with a bearhug, but Piper takes advantage of a moment of confusion to keep Luke from making a legal tag. The second time is the charm, surprisingly, as Elmer tags in and we have a fistfight. Bearhug by Elmer is broken by a rake of the eyes and soon all six men are battling it out in the ring. The faces clear the ring and the heels stay out there for a while to take a breather. Stay tuned!

-Back from the break, the heels come back with fire and Piper & Hillbilly Jim are legal. Headbutt is no-sold by Jim and he stops Piper from tagging out by simply holding his arm and pulling back. When all else fails, the heels resort to double-teaming and triple teaming. Ventura hammers at Jim and Orton tags in with an elbow. Piper tags back in, but so does Cousin Luke and it’s Polish Hammers for everybody.

-Piper fights back with a sleeperhold and all six men are back in the ring. Elmer just avalanches Ventura over and over and over again while the referee clears Hillbilly Jim from the ring. Luke breaks the sleeperhold just long enough for Orton to sneak up behind him and KO him with the infamous cast. Piper puts Luke back in the sleeper and that’s it. 1 for 1. Pretty fun, even with no flow.

-Post-match Jesse returns to the commentary table to relieve Bobby Heenan as Elmer just impotently stands there in the background and stares at him menacingly. Jesse ruined your wedding and then kicked your family’s ass, but yeah…a good frowning should learn him real good.

WATER SLIDE RACE: JUNKYARD DOG vs. JIMMY HART
-Yep. Jimmy is seeking revenge for getting pantsed and branded on the last SNME, and since a wrestling match wouldn’t be fair, he challenged JYD to this special competition. And JYD wins because, according to Jesse, “he’s used to being on his back.” At poolside, Jesse sees Terry Funk working on his tan because he wants to look good for the cover of Sports Illustrated after he wins the title. Jesse tells him that SI probably won’t do a story, and Terry says, “They put that overrated blonde blowhard Hulk Hogan on the cover!” Terry Funk: Segment saver. 2 for 2.

-We get a clip of Hulk Hogan vs. Terry Funk at a Denver house show where Hogan gets KOed by the megaphone and branded.

WORLD TITLE: HULK HOGAN (champion, with Junkyard Dog) vs. TERRY FUNK (with Jimmy Hart)
-Pre-match, JYD says he’s going to get closer to Jimmy Hart than his BVDs. I think that given another hour of preparation, he could have come up with something maybe 1.3% more gay-sounding. Your moment of history sees “Real American” used for Hulk’s entrance for the first time.

-Lock-up is won by Terry, but a fight for an Irish whip is won by Hulkster (wearing his blue tights and boots tonight) and the clothesline follow-through sends Funk to the floor. Funk gets back into the ring as Jesse notes that he’s “middle-aged and crazy”…in 1986. Think about that.

-Funk fights with a series of chops but Hulk sends him to the floor again with another clothesline. Back in the ring for another lock-up. Terry attempts a criss-cross and we get a funny bit where Hogan steps on his back every time until Funk gets frustrated and leaves the ring.

-He knocks over everything in sight and throws a chair into the ring, but Hogan shows no signs of intimidation. Back in the ring for another lock-up and Terry does more chopping, but Hogan fights back with punches and Terry Flair-flips out of the ring. Hogan brings him back in and gets a two-count following a back suplex. Funk fights back with headbutts and a low-blow. Funk heads to the top rope and Hogan shakes the ropes to crotch him and follows with an atomic drop. I’ve seen working the leg, and I’ve seen working the arm, but working the prostate? That’s a new one.

-Hogan just keeps pouring it on, but Jimmy Hart hooks his leg from the outside. Hogan goes outside the ring and JYD is already out there waiting for him, so Jimmy hides under the ring. Hogan’s been distracted long enough for Terry to pull out some tape and choke Hogan out with it. Piledriver gets two but not a Hulk-up. More punching from the Funker and he puts the boots to Hogan. Series of punches triggers the Hulk-up and Hogan fires away and gets an elbow. Big boot sends Funk to the apron. Hogan suplexes Funk back in but Jimmy Hart catches Hogan with a branding iron on the way down, and Terry gets a two-count. JYD hands Jimmy’s ass to him as Terry Funk complains to the referee, but when he turns around to go for another pin, Hogan beheads him with a lariat and pins him. Fun brawl. 3 for 3.

MORE FUN IN THE SUN
-We get a recap of George Steele’s face turn in 1985. Your weird choice of background music for tonight: “Don’t You (Forget About Me).” At the water park, George Steele plays with a rubber duckie at one end of the pool, and Captain Lou gets in a funny line after misunderstanding what Gene Okerlund means by ring rust: “What, you mean because of all the water?” Meanwhile, Randy Savage teaches Elizabeth to swim on the other end of the pool by shoving her into the water and hoping for the best. Vince is horrified, while Jesse says “Imagine what’ll happen when he teaches her how to parachute.” I laughed out loud. 4 for 4.

GEORGE “The Animal” STEELE (with Captain Lou Albano) vs. RANDY “Macho Man” SAVAGE (with Elizabeth)
-This is the historic first-ever meeting of George Steele and Elizabeth, and Steele “nuzzles” her to show affection. Elizabeth takes it better than most of the women I’ve met. Savage yells at her while Lou Albano tries to get Steele to focus. Weird bit of history for tonight: your referee for this match is Dean Malenko.

-Savage runs away from Steele and Steele gets him back into the ring long enough to bite him and send him back to the floor. He goes over to take another look at Elizabeth and Savage tries a sneak attack, but Steele sees him and gets away in time. Steele gets back into the ring and Savage pounces him. Steele fights back with clubbing and stomping. Savage takes it to the floor and it’s a fistfight until Savage hides behind Elizabeth for a human shield.

-Back in the ring, Steele slams Savage to the mat and focuses his attention on the turnbuckles. Savage interrupts the snacking and gets shoved to the floor for his trouble. He offers a handful of foam to Elizabeth and Savage attacks with a double axehandle and gets a quick pin. 4 for 5. As messy & short as losing your virginity, but without any of the fun.

1985 YEAR IN REVIEW
-A montage of memorable moments set to “When the Going Gets Tough” by Billy Ocean. “Can I touch you and do the things that lovers do?” is not a lyric that you should ever hear while watching burly men beat the shit out of each other. Ever. Fun collection of moments, though. 5 for 6. (Note: The Network quite predictably replaces the music with “Generic Song” by Genny & Eric feat. the Generic Generics.

PEACE MATCH: CORPORAL KIRCHNER vs. NIKOLAI VOLKOFF (with Classy Freddie Blassie & Iron Sheik)
-Kirchner does a ridiculously awkward-looking drop from a zip line into a swimming pool in a pre-taped segment. Yeah, a 2 ½-foot fall. What a hardass. Dean Malenko is officiating the Peace Match, so called because both men have pledged to keep it clean and scientific.

-Lock-up goes to the ropes and we have a clean break. Another lock-up gets another clean break. Go-behind by Volkoff followed by a takedown. Kirchner rolls out and turns it into an armbar followed by a headlock. Volkoff reverses and goes for a pin for two. Test of strength goes to Kirchner until they back into the ropes and we have another clean break. Volkoff with another go-behind and bridges into something like a German suplex for two. Roll-up by Kirchner is countered by Volkoff and we go back into the corner for another clean break. Handshake by both men as Blassie & Sheik plot evilly on the outside.

-Okay, mother, that’s a hammerlock by Kirchner, but Volkoff sweeps the leg. Kirchner shoves Volkoff into the ropes, but Volkoff cartwheels out of harm’s way. Kirchner traps him in the hammerlock again. They fight for an inside cradle and Kirchner gets it for two. Volkoff has had enough and knees him in the gut, then drops him throat-first across the top rope. Kneedrop by Volkoff gets a three-count, and Vince tries to get the idea across that this was a dirty fight by Volkoff, but if it wasn’t for the arbitrary “peace match” designation, that would have been a clean pin. Kirchner clears the ring of Sheik & Volkoff post-match, setting up Wrestlemania 2. 6 for 7. Good match!

RICKY “The Dragon” STEAMBOAT & JUNKYARD DOG vs. MAGNIFICENT MURACO & MR. FUJI
-Geez, was JYD booking at this period or something? Muraco starts three sentences during his pre-match interview but can’t finish any of them. Can we get you an army cot while you’re at ringside, Don?

-Heels attack and Steamboat goes to the floor. Mr. Fuji slams him on the concrete as Muraco destroys the Dog inside the ring. Irish whip is reversed and a baaaaaack bodydrop by JYD revives the crowd. Falling headbutt misses and Fuji goes on offensive, but JYD fights back and Fuji begs off. Chopping by Fuji and Muraco re-enters. Slam by JYD gets a two-count and Muraco gets a cheap shot from Steamboat.

-Headbutts by JYD and Muraco has had enough. Fuji re-enters and gets chops and kicks. Double-teaming takes JYD down. Muraco attempts a piledriver but JYD backdrops out. Fuji stops him from making the tag and Muraco stomps away as Steamboat gets frustrated on the apron. Muraco misses a charge and hits the post. Steamboat finally tags in and cleans house. Steamboat slingshots Muraco into Fuji, but a flying bodypress gets a two-count when Fuji breaks the pin. Muraco tags Fuji in, but Steamboat makes a quick tag and a headbutt by JYD gets the three-count. 7 for 8. Formulaic but fun.

The 411: Championship Wrestling was pretty forgettable, although certainly fun to sit through with a buddy. SNME is markedly improving, with a much better paced program and better matches for the effort. Rating is for Championship Wrestling...
Final Score:  4.0   [ Poor ]