The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (3.1.1986)

-Originally aired March 1, 1986.

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon and the returning Bruno Sammartino.

RICKY “The Dragon” STEAMBOAT & KING TONGA vs. TERRY GIBBS & A.J. PETRUZZI
-Steamboat has the familiar “Sirius” for his entrance again. This puzzles me. It’s widely known, I think, that we were supposed to get Steamboat vs. Brett Hart in a singles match at Wrestlemania 2 until Vince had a mood swing or whatever, but what puzzles me watching this period is that they were SO high on getting Steamboat and Tonga over as a team. How did the match not turn into Steamboat & Tonga vs. the Foundation? Just thinking.

-Jobbers attack from behind before the bell, but that backfires and before long, Petruzzi has one arm tied in the ropes. Bruno tells a story about wrestling barefoot once because of a snafu at the airport, and he’s amazed that anybody is able to do it night after night like Tonga doe.

-Steamboat slams and snapmares both opponents. Flying bodypress from the top rope puts Petruzzi away.

UPDATE
-Boxing Bob Orton has pulverized all of his opponents to date (all one of them) and we go to the gym, where Gene Okerlund tries to have a conversation with Mr. T, but Mr. T too busy training.

-The Slammys are live tonight! Holy shit, I watched those “Vote for the Slammys” segments so much that I just started to dismiss the Slammys as some sort of urban legend.

TITO SANTANA vs. JOE MIRTO
-Tito wrings the arm of Mirto as the commentators speculate about Tito’s future. Vince suspects that he’s going to pursue tag team competition again, given his prior success in that division.

-Tito works the leg, including an accidentally hilarious spot where Tito holds him by the legs, and looks to the crowd for approval, and the crowd goes crazy, and Tito reacts by…grabbing Mirto’s foot and clutching it tightly. And the crowd DIES. Figure four finishes shortly after to wake them back up.

-Gene Okerlund talks to Hulk Hogan, who has taped up ribs and says he’s in a lot of pain, but he says he heard JYD say “The Funks jumped me!” And Hulk replies, “What do you mean Funks? There’s just one.” And THAT’s when he found out about Dory. Now he’s pissed. Hulk promises to work through his injury and help his friend. This is fascinating angle development with them straight up telling you exactly what happened on SNME and then encouraging you to tune in and see what exactly happened.

BRITISH BULLDOGS (with Captain Lou Albano) vs. THE GLADIATOR & BARRY O
–Dynamite moves at 100MPH until he has Barry O rolled up for two. Everybody tags and Gladiator connects with shoulderblocks, but Davey fights back with a nasty-looking backdrop and a delayed suplex for two. Gladiator gets rammed hard into Davey Boy’s knee. Barry O gets dropkicked out to the concrete, Gladiator gets powerslammed into place, and Davey Boy press slams Dynamite on top of him for three. Bruno says he’s very impressed by the skills of Dynamite and Billy Boy.

-Wrestlemania 2 is coming, over what sounds like a horror movie theme.

-Gene Okerlund talks to Randy Savage, who is “returning to the scene of the crime” to defend the gold. Savage asks Elizabeth a bunch of questions and then answers them himself. Great ending with Savage encouraging Elizabeth to say something good about him, and as soon as she starts to talk, she gets pulled out of frame. Savage has decided that’s enough.

KING KONG BUNDY & BIG JOHN STUDD (with Bobby Heenan) vs. STEVE GATORWOLF & MICHAEL SAXON
-Bruno suggests that Heenan’s men should go by the collective name of “King Kong and Mighty Joe Young.” And that’s why Bruno was never asked to be a booker.

-Gatorwolf goes for the $15,000 and that ends badly. And then Bundy tags in and it ends badly again. Saxon tags in and gets clubbered down. Studd slams him, and Heenan just announces “I’ve seen enough,” so Bundy steps in and avalanches Saxon. Big splash and a five-count finish things.

PIPER’S PIT
-Piper immediately waves Bundy over to present him with a Humanitarian Award for his aid in preventing a mass epidemic. Children all over the country were vomiting non-stop from seeing Hulk Hogan over and over again, and Bundy injured Hogan so badly that he cured them. Bundy congratulates Piper for maiming Mr. T. Again, they are spoiling their own upcoming network special. This is so bizarre. Was there some reason that they were concerned nobody would watch?

-We go to Mean Gene Okerlund and the back of Kevin Dunn’s head in the WWF control room, where Gene Okerlund files a report about recent incidents that happened at a WWF event in Phoenix. We watch the SAME MR. T PROMO that we just sawn earlier in the hour. The whole thing. We get photographs of the T/Orton boxing match and the Hogan/Muraco match. Gene reports that after the event, Mr. T was demanding a boxing match against Roddy Piper. No-Shit Okerlund also speculates that Bundy’s attack on Hulk Hogan was premeditated. We get a medical report from the attending physician, who says that the worst damage was done to Hulk’s ribs and lower spine.

TERRY & HOSS FUNK (with Jimmy Hart) vs. NELSON VILLEAUX & SPECIAL DELIVERY JONES
-The name “Hoss” is introduced here with absolutely no explanation given. Terry starts, but he refuses to lock up with Jones, so it winds up being Hoss and Nelson to start. Hoss gets the edge, but Jones tags in and neither Funk wants anything to do with him. Weird spot where Hoss whips Nelson into the ropes and Nelson just falls out of the ring and crashes.

-Back in, Terry fires punches. Hoss misses a charge and gets hung up in the ropes, and SD Jones Irish whips Terry into his brother. The impressive spin on this is that Funk manages to do a Flair-flip on his brother’s body.

-SD and Funk spare, which is a strategic mistake because “Special Delivery” is a reference to Jones’ skill in his former career as a boxer and Funk clearly doesn’t know that. Funk tries a sleeper but Jones is able to tag before he fades away. Nelson goes for a charge but crashes knee-first in the corner, and Hoss gets the win with a Texas cloverleaf. I’ll be damned.

-Gene Okerlund talks to Terry & Hoss. Terry says he should be the WWF Champion if it wasn’t for JYD interfering during his WWF Title match, and now he’s getting his revenge on the champ and the dog.

 

After that, wrestling fans everywhere went to the mall, played video games, did a little homework, and then switched the dial to MTV…

 

THE 1986 SLAMMY AWARDS

-We’re in Baltimore, MD.

-Originally aired live on MTV.

-Your host is Vince McMahon. Vince says that it’s only fitting that the Slammys take place, not in Los Angeles, Las Vegas, or New York, but in Baltimore. He doesn’t follow up on that thought at all, so we never find out why it’s only fitting for the Slammys to take place in Baltimore.

-DID YOU KNOW? Vince mentions that the Slammys are the first awards show ever to take place as a direct result of a single album’s release. That’s more albums than inspired the Tech Awards, Turnaround Atlas Awards, CLIO Awards, Newberry Awards and American Business Awards combined!

-Gorilla Monsoon, with his fly unzipped and his shirt hanging out of it, makes his way onstage to present the first award.

 

BEST PERSONALITY

-We get treated to the music video for “Land of 1,000 Dances,” because everybody who appears in the music video is nominated for the award. I have a feeling this is Steve Gatorwolf’s night! I have to say, I haven’t exactly studied this music video to the degree of the Zapruder film, but I’ve watched the video enough times that, upon this viewing, I’m surprised to realize there’s a Rosatti sister present in one of the crowd shots. Never noticed that before.

-Your winner is Rowdy Roddy Piper, who gets an unbelievable pop months before he actually turns face. Piper emerges with a broomstick, which he introduces as “Tina Turner.” Piper’s Slammy Award actually falls apart in his hands, and it appears to be a legitimate mistake judging from Roddy’s reaction. Roddy concludes his acceptance speech by announcing that “I do play Sun City!”

-Martha Quinn, looking hot but sounding totally clueless, stews about King Kong Bundy being screwed out of the Slammy. Bundy mentions that he wants a piece of Hulk Hogan!

-Mean Gene Okerlund lip-synchs his own performance of “Tutti Frutti.”

 

BEST PRODUCER

-Your nominees are Mona Flambe, Rick Derringer, and Joel Dorn. Rick is nominated for producing Roddy Piper’s song on the album and the mere mention of Piper’s name gets another monster pop. The winner is Mona Flambe, getting a totally lukewarm reaction. For anyone not familiar with Mona Flambe, which would be all of us, it’s Cyndi Lauper doing a silly and pointless alter-ego. She thanks the crowd in a shy southern belle voice and then heads off stage immediately.

-Meanwhile, Martha Quinn gets felt up by George “The Animal” Steele, who mistakes her for Elizabeth.

-Jimmy Hart comes out and complains that the awards show is taking place in Baltimore instead of Memphis, because who the hell ever won anything in Baltimore? He also complains about being stuck with the worst band in the history for his performance of the song that’s going to win a Slammy tonight. Jimmy sings his adorable song, “Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield.” Unlike Mean Gene, Jimmy braves this one out with a live performance. The gag is that Jimmy keeps bitching out the band and his back-up singer for being off-key, but the thing is, his back-up singer actually IS off-key, so Jimmy is right to complain. The band refuses to continue playing (but the music continues, revealing that Jimmy was, in fact, the only honest musician up there) and Jimmy storms off-stage.

 

BEST ANNOUNCER

-Your nominees are Mean Gene Okerlund, Jesse Ventura, and Vince McMahon. Gene and Jesse get pretty good pops, but Vince gets about 50% boos! Jesse taunts Vince by using his feathered boa to slap Vince across the face, which prompts a “Jesse” chant from the crowd!

-Gorilla teases giving the award to Jesse, but the big winner turns out to be Gene Okerlund.

-Jesse storms off-stage and tells Martha Quinn that MTV is part of an east coast conspiracy against him.

 

-Coming April 7, 1986: The greatest sports entertainment spectacular of all time will be even greater…Wrestlemania 2: What the World is Coming To.

 

-Hillbilly Jim sings “Don’t Go Messing with a Country Boy.” They don’t even try to hide the fakery this time. The “fiddler” is playing an electric guitar with a bow. Nigel Tufnel would be proud.

 

MOST IGNOMINIOUS

-Nikolai Volkoff in his red suit is the sole nominee and accepts the award, while the Iron Sheik does a pratfall. The gag here is that Nikolai is a moron because he doesn’t know what “ignominious” means.

 

-Junkyard Dog grabs cakes. Them cakes, to be specific.

 

BEST PERFORMER ON THE WRESTLING ALBUM

-And the big winner of the night is the Junkyard Dog. JYD thanks the man upstairs, while his partner in song, Vicki Sue Robinson, thanks her mother for having her. Her line was better.

 

-Jimmy Hart gripes to Martha Quinn because his song should have been called “Grab Them Ears!” Junkyard Dog shows up, drags Jimmy Hart back to the stage, and tears his pants off. And they all lived happily ever after.

 

And then a light snack and maybe a little reading, and then change the channel to NBC…

 

SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT

-Taped February 15, 1986 in Phoenix, AZ; aired March 1 on NBC.

 

-Cold open sees Mister T punching a water bag in preparation for his boxing match tonight and getting pissy with Mean Gene for trying to interview him. Geez, Mr. T, when you saw Mean Gene stroll into the gym wearing a tuxedo with a microphone in his hand and a couple of cameras behind him, didn’t you think that maybe something was up? Dick.

 

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura. Jesse says he’s happy to see Hogan is “finally taking on somebody who’s not waiting to collect Social Security.” Man…I can’t begin to imagine how many hands I’d need to count the wrestlers he buried by saying that.

 

-So the set-up for our opening bout: Cowboy Bob Orton finally got his cast off and celebrated his recovery by announcing that he signed an open contract to get in the ring and face anybody in a boxing match. Hulk Hogan showed up on Piper’s Pit to sign a friend’s name to the contract…that friend turned out to be Mr. T.

 

-Roddy Piper cuts a promo on behalf of Cowboy Bob, pretty much saying that Mr. T is gay and his head looks like a Johnny brush.

 

-We look at Mr. T beating the shit out of his sparring partner during a training session, and then saying that the only reason that he lost the fight in Rocky III was because he needed the money at the time. Is it any wonder that the crowd was on Roddy’s side by the end of this feud?

 

BOXING MATCH: MR. T vs. BATTLING BOB ORTON (with Rowdy Roddy Piper)

-Mr. T comes to the ring with a group of black men wearing tuxedos, and I’d give just about anything to hear the promos for a hypothetical “Nation of Islam vs. Roddy Piper” feud.

 

-ROUND ONE: Orton attacks from behind, just like in a real boxing match. They punch for a while. Orton throws a punch. Mr. T throws a punch…typing a review of a boxing match is hard, actually. Orton and Mr. T both throw punches. They are punching each other. Jesse notes that he likes it when “things get rough in the corners,” so apparently Jesse is so bored by boxing that he’s just randomly talking about cunnilingus now. A thumb to the eye by Orton stops the fight while the ringside doctor examines T. T demands that the fight continue, which it does until the bell sounds. Orton takes a cheap shot as T heads to the corner.

 

-ROUND TWO: Orton begins doing showboat moves before each punch. Left hand by T misses but the second connects. Piper jumps to the apron, bringing Mr. T’s seconds to the apron. Piper attempts to get some double-teaming going, but T eludes it and KOs both Piper and Orton to win the bout. 0 for 1. Bleh.

 

-Piper gets in the ring and challenges T himself, and Orton, now recovered, attacks from behind. Orton clears the ring of the seconds and the referee, and Piper whips T with a leather belt, which Jesse says looks like “Roots 2.” At ringside, Seth McFarlane scribbles “Roots 2 starring Mr. T” in a pocket notebook. Piper & Orton retreat to the locker room while T looks on angry.

 

-Oh, cool, original commercials! Go see Highlander and watch Sean Connery teach a man how to be an Immortal. Lesson #1: Don’t die.

 

-Mean Gene talks to Mr. T. Mr. T wants Piper!

 

KING KONG BUNDY (with Bobby Heenan) vs. STEVE GATORWOLF

-Bundy yells “I want Hogan!” Heenan says Bundy is ready for Hogan. Bundy successfully defeats both a gator and a wolf in about one minute to show that he’s serious. 0 for 2. Total squash.

 

-Mr. Fuji has the Asian Flu (and we cut to a cute shot of Fuji with an ice bag on his hat in the locker room) and he’s asked Bobby Heenan to be at ringside in his place tonight.

 

-More commercials…how many chances does one get to hear the phrase “the essence of scullying” during a lifetime?

 

WORLD TITLE: HULK HOGAN vs. MAGNIFICENT MURACO (with Bobby Heenan)

-Muraco attacks the stomach and rakes the back a few times. Axehandles and punches by Muraco, and he puts the boots to Hogan in the corner. Irish whip is reversed and Hogan follows with a baaaaack bodydrop and some equal opportunity back raking by Hogan. Jesse objects on the grounds that Muraco cuts his nails and Hogan doesn’t. Heenan takes a punch for good measure. Atomic drop launches Muraco over the top rope and Hogan goes to the floor. Back in the ring, we get a slugfest. Headbutt by Hogan followed by a bearhug. Muraco headbutts out. Boot to the ribs by Muraco for a two count. Asian spike and a kneelift by Muraco, and Heenan appreciatively yells “Banzai!” Nutbutt by Muraco followed by a Russian legsweep. Asian spike from the second rope and he starts with the boots again. Muraco goes for a pin instead of a piledriver, and Hogan kicks out and looks to set up for the expected finish until Bobby Heenan runs in for the DQ. 1 for 3. Total brawl but fun to watch.

 

-Post-match, Hogan looks forward to kicking Heenan’s ass until King Kong Bundy attacks from behind and avalanches Hogan over and over again as Muraco holds Hogan to the post. The carnage continues until the British Bulldogs run in to put a stop to it, but Hogan is unconscious and leaves the arena on a stretcher. Vince talks in a subdued, serious voice, almost mournful, as the ringside doctor tends to the Hulkster…Geez, that is just so tasteless of Vince to use his Owen Voice to sell this angle when Owen won’t even be dead for another 13 years. I mean, how eager can he be to exploit an impending tragedy like that?

 

-Backstage, Gorilla Monsoon shoves a photographer out of the way and insists on riding in the ambulance with Hogan. He also insists on wearing a salmon-colored suit for some reason. Gene Okerlund, on Vince’s instructions, follows the ambulance to the hospital for additional reports to come.

 

-We immediately cut to Mean Gene standing in the aisle with the Dream Team, with the word “PRETAPE” hastily added in post production to explain it. Dream Team has a weird entrance, with “We Are the Champions” as their entrance theme, but obviously not actually playing in the arena.

 

TAG TEAM TITLE: DREAM TEAM (Champions, with Johnny Valiant) vs. BRITISH BULLDOGS (with Captain Lou Albano)

-This was set up by the Bulldogs defeating the champs clean as a sheet a few weeks earlier. Davey Boy and Valentine start. Davey Boy gets the earlier advantage with an atomic drop and Valentine gets pinballed with a pair of headbutts for a quick two-count. Valentine tries to escape for a breather but gets suplexed back in. Dynamite tags in for a double shoulderblock. Dynamite goes for the win and gets a two count.  Valentine fights back and tags in Brutus Beefcake, but Dynamite immediately catches Brutus and pounds away at him. Davey Boy re-enters with a wristlock, then lifts & drops Beefcake a few times to show off. Elbow to the chin and Beefcake has had enough and tags out. Valentine takes a forearm to the face, followed by a so-so press slam for a two-count. Dynamite re-enters for a double headbutt and follows with a knee to the jaw. Back suplex by Dynamite for a two-count. Kneedrop off the second rope by Dynamite. Fisticuffs followed by a dropkick from Davey Boy. Inside cradle gets two. Davey Boy holds Valentine in the corner as Dynamite re-enters and punches away, but Valentine finally gets an inverted atomic drop to give the Dream Team their first advantage. Brutus tags in now that the hard part is over, but a brawl between the managers erupts and that must mean it’s time for a commercial!

 

-Back in the ring, Dynamite takes advantage of the unintentional breather by trapping Beefcake in the corner and making him eat a missle dropkick from Davey Boy. Beefcake slugs back and tags in Valentine, who goes right to the figure four. Legdrop by Dynamite Kid breaks it up. Headbutts by Dynamite have Valentine reeling, but Valentine fights back with fists and an elbow. Elbow off the second rope gets a two-count. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Double-teaming in the corner by the Dream Team, and Beefcake stomps the chest for a two-count. Valentine drops an elbow for a two count. Dynamite kicks out of a figure four attempt. Flair tries to go to the top rope to finish things but takes a Flair slam and a missle dropkick. Foot on the ropes saves the titles for the time being. Clothesline by Dynamite gets another two-count. Snap suplex and a brawl erupts, but, for those of you who remember the “Most Unusual Matches” video, Valentine does the “double-KO and accidentally pin my opponent” thing that he did with Tito to retain the belts. 2 for 4. GREAT stuff from both teams here. Four matches down, three Wrestlemania matches set up. What an efficient late night special.

 

-Gene Okerlund is at the hospital to announce that he is at the hospital. You can tell he’s at the hospital because he’s in front of a door that says “Emergency,” just in case we weren’t sure that the building that the ambulance went to wasn’t a hospital. Gene says he will stay at the hospital.

 

“REAL AMERICAN”

-Tragically, Hogan is hospitalized during tonight’s premiere of his new music video. We start with some photos and old home movies that reveal just how odd-looking a boy Hogan was during the tail end of puberty. A building falls over in reaction to his bass playing. A plane crash simulates the effects of a dropkick. A guy crashes his bicycle into a wall as Hogan attacks Terry Funk with elbows. Good lord, it’s like they drew the stock footage out of a hat. Hogan destroys a photo of a dictator, then rips his shirt to demonstrate that his pecs are strictly a pro-democracy zone. 3 for 5. Hey, love him or hate him, it was a good song.

 

JUNKYARD DOG vs. ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS (with Jimmy Hart)

-Jimmy Hart is to Junkyard Dog as Bobby Heenan is to Hulk Hogan during this era. Adrian is wearing a bunch of scarves with his ring gear, and JYD hangs onto all of them to whip him to & fro, then headbutts him so hard that Adrian gets trapped in the ropes. Adrian gets whipped in the ring and a shoulderblock by the Dog gets two. Adonis fights back with girly punches, but gets Flair-flipped onto the floor. JYD does a rolling headbutt that sends Adonis & Hart into the rail. JYD drags them both back into the ring and Irish whips Jimmy into Adonis, knocking both of them back out of the ring. We’ll be back!

 

-Adrian gets back into the ring and walks right into a headbutt and a punch for two. Dog misses a headbutt and Adonis distracts the referee as Jimmy ties JYD’s leg to the bottom rope with a scarf. Adonis takes advantage to choke away and drop an axehandle across the back. Referee gets so frustrated that he yanks Adrian away by the hair. Kneedrop by Adonis gets two. Adonis accidentally KOs the referee while attempting a piledriver. Jimmy tries to take advantage with the megaphone, but Adrian ends up taking the show and JYD gets the pin. 4 for 6. Silly brawl, but I had fun watching it. Adrian attacks from behind post-match.

 

-Mean Gene gets a report from the attending physician on duties. Hogan has sustained neck & rib injuries, but no fractures are detected.

 

-Having slightly under-prepared for tonight’s show, Vince & Jesse recap the events of the boxing match and the title matches from earlier tonight as the crowd wanders away

 

 

 

7.0

The final score: review Good

The 411

Definitely a something-for-everyone weekend, with good wrestling, good storylines, and people just futzing around and enjoying themselves. I liked it.