The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (3.8.1986)

-Originally aired March 8, 1986.

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino.

CORPORAL KIRCHNER & “Golden Boy” DANNY SPIVEY vs. BARRY O & JOHN K-9
–Danny is shoved into a “find something for him to do” tag team match, leading Vince once again to marvel that he’s really coming into his own. Apparently, borrowing a nickname from Arnold Skaaland now officially qualifies as own-coming.

-Powerslam by Barry O, but Kirchner battles back with a monkeyflip. K-9 tags in and Bruno says that “he has a very unusual last name; it’s the letter K and the number 9.” I swear to you, Bruno actually says that. I think Bruno might have an inkling that it may not be his real name.

-Double clothesline on this alleged K-9 fellow. Kirchner suplexes him and clamps on a sleeper. Barry O breaks it with an axehandle from the top rope. Spivey clotheslines K-9 and dropkicks him down, and Kirchner finishes with the fireman’s carry slam.

UPDATE
-We take a look at clips from the Slammy Awards. Seriously, Piper’s face pop for winning his award is staggering.

-LJN thumb wrestlers are just like being in the ring, if your ring looks like the backseat on the way to Grandma’s house.

“Mr. Wonderful”  PAUL ORNDORFF vs. LES THORNTON
-Really funny sign from a fan, reading “MR. WONDERFUL (Paul Orndorff) IS #1!!!” Apparently he made the sign and then decided he needed to provide some sort of context and let people know which Mr. Wonderful he was referring to.

-Orndorff wins a slugfest while Vince & Bruno mention Orndorff just got inducted into the University of Tamp Hall of Fame. Thornton does a nice, graceful looking bump over the top rope to sell a dropkick, and Orndorff suplexes him back inside. Piledriver gets three. Worth noting: Thornton flails his arms around and resists the move rather than hooking Orndorff’s legs, which, while probably more dangerous, is a LOT more believable.

-Gene Okerlund hypes the Boston Garden card and it’s like an Event Center prototype, with Gene cutting to a generic Hulkster promo where he hypes the match but doesn’t mention the venue.

HART FOUNDATION (with Jimmy Hart) vs. SPECIAL DELIVERY JONES & ANDRE MALO
–SD Jones delivers shoulderblocks, but they aren’t special enough to topple The Anvil, who no-sells it with the wink-and-gun gesture. SD tags out and Malo mars his chances of winning by receiving a Decapitator and a hard uppercut from the Hitman.

-The ONE MOVE OF DOOM (Backbreaker, at this point) follows, and SD, pissed off for no adequately explored reason (his partner is losing pretty cleanly) distracts the referee while the beating continues. Hart Attack gets three.

-Gene Okerlund hypes Wrestlemania 2 and officially announces that it’s happening from three venues simultaneously. In Los Angeles, Hulk Hogan will defend his title against King Kong Bundy. In Nassau County, Long Island, Mr. T will face Roddy Piper in a boxing match. And in Chicago, you’ll see “The First Annual Open Invitational Battle Royal,” and Andre the Giant and Refrigerator Perry have officially signed their contracts.

“MIGHTY MIDGETS” MATCH: HAITI KID vs. BUTCH CASSIDY
-Flurry of punches by Haiti. Cassidy goes to the eyes and rams Haiti into the middle turnbuckle. Haiti gets riled up and headbutts Cassidy. Cassidy fights back and rams Haiti into the turnbuckle, and this time Haiti is hurt by it because racial stereotype-driven bone development syndromes are selective when you’re a midget.

-Cassidy slams Haiti and comes off the second rope, but crashes. Haiti bites the referee on the ass for some reason and then rolls up Cassidy and pins him. And then Roddy Piper and Cowboy Bob show up to kidnap Haiti Kid.

PIPER’S PIT
-Piper interrogates Haiti about a locker room rumor that he’s friends with Mr. T, and Haiti says that he does indeed hope that Mr. T beats him at Wrestlemania 2. Piper says that if Haiti likes Mr. T so much, he should look like Mr. T, so Piper tapes his mouth and then cuts off Haiti’s hair. What’s tragic about this is that the whole incident could have been avoided if the match order had been re-arranged so that Haiti didn’t have to wrestle the fourth match on the show, customarily the spot immediately before Piper’s Pit. If the Mighty Midgets Match had been the opening match, Haiti would still have his hair.

WRESTLEMANIA 2 REPORT
-Gene Okerlund shows us the post-boxing match incident and King Kong Bundy’s sneak attack from SNME. Mr. T says “The A-Team” finishes taping next week and he’s going to be in heavy training from then until Wrestlemania 2. He says he hasn’t gotten a whipping like that since he was 6, and he’s still mad about it. He also pledges his support to Hulk Hogan, who’s a sure thing to beat “What’s-His-Name, the big fat slob.” Hulk says that Mr. T can’t be held down by a beating with a belt, because retarded children admire him too much. He also says that Mr. T does charity work, and Piper can’t stand up to all the starving people of the world.

BRUTUS BEEFCAKE & GREG “The Hammer” VALENTINE (Tag Team Champions, with Luscious Johnny Valiant) vs. LEAPING LANNY POFFO & NELSON VELLIEUX
-Poffo does a poem saluting the British Bulldogs, and Vince announces that the champs have signed to face the British Bulldogs at Wrestlemania 2 in a Gorilla Monsoon’s Boner Match, with two referees.

-Vellieux gets a beating from the champs. Beefcake suplexes and stomps him. Running kneelift by Valentine, and he finishes with the figure four.

-Gene Okerlund talks to Terry & Apparently-Dory-Again-This-Week Funk about their big match tonight in Boston. Terry says that when he was a kid, he killed a rattlesnake and his brother killed a dog. They’re coming to Boston for a fight.

WrestleMania 2…the greatest of all time will be even greater.

 

 

6.0

The final score: review Average

The 411

Piper's Pit and the designated Mania hype were fun, but the actual matches were off; they just seemed kind of disconnected from everything they're building toward.