The SmarK Rant For NWA TNA – September 18 2002

The SmarK Rant for NWA-TNA, September 18 2002

– Well, with Viewer’s Choice Canada seemingly picking these up on a somewhat permanent basis, I guess I’ll be doing them until they get pulled or go bankrupt. Take your pick which comes first.

– Live from Nashville.

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West.

– Goldylocks brings out Hall & Syxx to snag any of those last-minute buyers who might have accidentally ordered the show and need a reason to stay tuned. Seriously, get a pre-game show, guys.

– Earlier today, Jeff Jarrett & Brian Lawler get into a confrontation to further the angle that no one gives a crap about.

– Hey, it’s more talking! Jarrett comes out and calls out the Bullet, but gets attacked by him. The mysterious Bullet unmasks as Brian Jammes (or whatever the spelling variation is this week), and he’s apparently switched his addiction from pot to Twinkies. Oh you didn’t know? You’d better CAAAAAAAALLL Jenny Craig! Just call him “Road Hog”. He’s gonna find himself a partner, yessir, although really his own ass is big enough to act as one, and by the way, his new name is “B.G. James”, which I believe stands for “beer gut”, and may be the dumbest name I’ve heard for a serious uppercard wrestler, unless he’s teaming with Disco Inferno. And I really wish they’d decide if “Armstrong” or “James” is gonna be the real name for that particular family. At least he got a haircut.

– From BGs to Elvises, as Sonny Siaki has found a renewed sense of humility and discovered the first-person again. It’s all about the team, he says, which is Vince Russo code for “I’m going to turn heel”.

– Kid Kash v. AJ Styles. Wristlock sequence to start, and AJ works the arm. For the sake of brevity, just insert “springboard” before every move and you’ll get a rough idea of the match. They do a stalemate sequence and AJ punks him out. Kash dropkicks him out and follows with a rana to the floor. Styles responds with a quebrada and comes back in with a dropkick for two. Kash corkscrews him for two. Into a Boston Crab for no reason humanly fathomable, and Kash drops an elbow for two. Moneymaker is reversed into a hotshot that dumps Kash, and AJ DDTs him from the apron. That gets two. Kash comes back with a german suplex for two. It’s called SELLING, dude. Geez, if you’re gonna get DDT’d off the ring apron to the floor, at least have the decency to yell “Ouch, my neck!” or something before going right back to the acrobatic stuff. Styles gets an inverted DDT for two (what the fuck is the point of springboarding into an inverted DDT?) Kash gets a rana and a DDT for two. AJ goes low and gets a lariat for two. Note to aspiring wrestlers: Doing 7 backflips before a DDT looks neat, but kicking a guy in the nuts with the ref’s back turned looks more painful. Seated dropkick gets two. Kash blocks a dropkick with his own lowblow, and gets a clothesline, but misses a frog splash. Styles goes up and gets crotched, but blocks a rana attempt with the Styles Clash for the pin at 9:54. This was almost literally a gymnastics exhibition, with every move being some variation of a rana or a DDT with springboards into everything. *

– Marcus Bagwell (who just wants another chance to go with the 18 he’s already had!) and BG James do a meet-and-greet and talk about their mistakes, which leads them to teaming up tonight. Today on Jenny Jones: Primadonna Mama’s Boys and fat potheads discuss their feelings.

– Dustin Diamond (who sadly has the best wrestling name of anyone on the whole show) comes out for a word with Borash, and ends up challenging the timekeeper. Guess who booked this.

– Meanwhile, the Hotshots do a BRUTAL interview with Goldylocks, proving why none of them should be on live TV.

– Dustin knocks out Tiny the Timekeeper in about 10 seconds with one punch. As funny as it sounds.

– Wylde & Rave v. CM Punk & Ace Steele v. The HotShots. I really don’t get the continued use and push of the HotShots – they’re like the Dynamic Dudes with bad haircuts. God knows how anyone is supposed to tell the difference between Wylde, Rave, Punk and Steele. Punk & Chase do an indy-ish sequence to start, and Steele suplexes him for two. Don West makes his first actual insightful comment of the show, as he notes that you’re insane to even tag in, since the loser is eliminated from the tag title thing later. So just let the other guys fight each other and whoever wins, wins. Wylde comes in and gets powerbomed, but tags Rave in. He gets moonsaulted by O’Reilly, however. A handspring sets up a double-dropkick for two. Tenay notes that the HotShots call their double-dropkick the “Sureshot”. How about just calling it a “double dropkick”, which is both descriptive and has stood the test of time for years now. They work Rave over in the corner and Cassidy gets a front suplex for two. Lariat gets two. Rave comes back with a superkick, hot tag (?) Punk, but the Hotshots cut off the comeback and everyone fires off their highspots until Steele hits Chase with some sort of neckbreaker out of a Gory Special for the pin at 7:12. Nothing to care about here, just indy junk. ѕ*

– Scott Hall & Syxx come out to reminisce about when they got a paycheque, but Lee & Harris punk them out.

– Some NASCAR driver comes out for an interview, and Tenay kisses his ass and we talk about racing. This naturally segues into…

– Miss TNA title: Bruce v. Some Chick From the Crowd. And you thought the Island Boyz where played out. Bruce wins with a powerbomb at 1:08. The NASCAR guy cleans house to make the save. It’s RUSSO-RIFFIC!

– Tag Team Gauntlet For The Gold: Brian Lawler is #1, James Storm is #2. Storm slugs away, but Lawler takes him down. Storm gets a DDT and a missile dropkick, and #3 is Joel Maximo. Joel dropkicks Lawler and they try to get him out, but Lawler fights out. Derek Wylde is #4 and Lawler dumps him right away, along with Joel and Storm. Well that was useful. Lawler takes a dance break, as Buff Bagwell is #5. He gets a neckbreaker and pounds away in the corner, and Kobain is #6. Bagwell dominates him, but Lawler goes low on Bagwell. Ace Steele is #7 and he goes for Kobain. WHEN JOBBERS COLLIDE! People try to throw people out and stuff. Jorge Estrada is #8 and he goes after Ace and Lawler goes low on Bagwell again. He seems to enjoy that. Brian Lee is #9 and everyone pairs off. Syxx is #10, and he cleans house. He dumps Kobain and gives Lawler the broncobuster. One match and he’s already stale again. He dumps Steele as CM Punk is #11. Jimmy Rave is #12, and he goes for Punk. People choking other people is our new theme. #13 is Ron Harris, and DOA dumps Estrada. Punk and Rave are both gone soon after, and Bagwell joins them. Syxx dumps Lawler, as BG James is #14. He gets funky on Lee, but Harris attacks him. Jose is #15, but gets tossed by Harris. Harris & Lee double-chokeslam Syxx, but he comes back with kicks, and then gets distracted by Lawler and eliminated. Slash is #16, and it’s a heel beatdown on James. Siaki is #17, and he gets a neckbreaker on Slash before falling victim to Lee. Disco is #18, and he gets pounded by Harris. Scott Hall is #19 and he goes after lee, but gets worked over. He dumps Harris, and Chris Harris is #20. Hall tosses Slash, and Siaki charges Disco and misses, and he’s gone. Hall kills Disco and he’s done. James and Hall confer, but get tossed by Lee, leaving…

– NWA World tag title: Ron Harris & Brian Lee v. Chris Harris & James Storm. Don West makes his SECOND insightful comment of the night: “There’s too many guys named James and Harris around here!” Yup, that’s an absolutely valid criticism, no sarcasm. They have too many guys with generic names that all sound exactly the same, or on the other end of the spectrum, too many guys with goofy indy names like “CM Punk” that mean they might as well wear a T-shirt that says “I’ve never worked for more than 50 people at a time in my career”. Lee & Harris work Wildcat over in the corner, and Lee gets the big boot. Wildcat fights back, but gets clotheslined for two. Double suplex for both Chris Harris and James Storm, and Ron Harris sets up a table, but Chris Harris rolls up Lee for the fluke win and the titles at 3:49. I saw what they were going for there, but Lee & Harris could have sold SOMETHING. DUD Nice to see Storm & Harris getting a good buildup, however.

– NWA World title: Ron Killings v. Jerry Lynn. Killings needs a great match at this point to put him over the top, and if Lynn can’t get it out of him, they might as well change the title and give up on the experiment. Truth attacks to start, but Lynn fights back and gets a headscissors. Backbreaker gets two. He sends Truth into the turnbuckles and headbutts him low, but gets dumped. They brawl out and Lynn gets dropped on the table and blades. Back in, Truth gets two. Sideslam gets two. That is one gory bladejob. Lynn rollup gets two. Killings pounds the cut and hits a sidekick that dumps Lynn. They brawl out and Truth hits the railing, but Lynn misses his own charge. Killings works on the cut, and they head back in. Truth gets an inverted surfboard, but Lynn makes the ropes. Big boot gets two. Axe kick gets two. Lynn rollup gets two. Bodyblock gets two. Killings lays him out again as the X-Division guys in attendance come out to cheer on Lynn. Lynn suplexes Killings to come back. He clotheslines him for two. Cradle piledriver is blocked, but Lynn DDTs him for two. Lynn goes up and Sonny Siaki turns on him (SHOCKING!) to give Killings the pin at 12:28. Not good – Killings on offense for 10 minutes is pretty boring stuff. *1/2

Next week: Jarrett v. James! Lawler v. Syxx! Loki returns!

The Bottom Line: The first hour was among the worst hours of wrestling I’ve seen in a while, with tons of bad interviews and bad wrestling. The second hour was boosted to “watchable” by a somewhat-okay battle-royale and a somewhat-okay main event, but this show was just too much Russo and too many indy guys.

Thumbs down.