The SmarK RAW Rant – October 27 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – October 27 2003

– This is a very rushed version, being written at about 2:00 AM on WORDPAD of all things, for reasons too dull and long-winded to get into here, but basically my computer had a total meltdown about two hours before RAW and it involved many adventures getting it up and running again. God bless Microsoft. Anyway, I’m not dead or fired or anything, I just took a much-needed week’s vacation to visit my parents last week, and I didn’t feel like recapping any wrestling while I was there. My No Mercy thoughts are on The Blog of DOOM, although I taped over the show by accident and thus there won’t be an official rant until the DVD comes out.

– Live from Fayetteville, NC.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: Evolution joins us (minus the groom, of course), to let us know that Goldberg is done, finished, retired, baked like a ham. I made up that last one. Batista actually gives a decent promo on the situation, revealing himself to be the mystery man, and Orton thinks the title should go back to HHH. Well, might as well jump on the winning bandwagon early, Randy. Uncle Eric interrupts and is about to take him up on that offer when Austin interrupts that interruption and decides that HHH gets to face Goldberg for the title at Survivor Series instead. Shows you how important Goldberg is to them when he’s not even there to be involved in the decision-making process. Batista gets in Austin’s face over this, allowing the Vanilla Jobber Connection to attack Flair & Orton.

– Meanwhile, Trish and Lita hang out in their underwear and talk about…um…sorry, got distracted there.

– Booker T v. Rico. Rico attacks to start with a spinkick and back kick for two. He hits the chinlock, which Booker escapes from, and Book makes the comeback with some clotheslines for two. Rico goes to the eyes and dodges an axe kick, but a second one finishes him at 1:38. Poor Rico. 1/4* Jericho interupts the celebration for an impromptu Highlight Reel, but it’s actually a cunning setup for Team Bischoff (aka Christian & Scott Steiner) to attack him inside a cage. RVD makes the save and joins Team Austin.

– Meanwhile, Eric & Jericho conspire against RVD, threatening to steal his IC title. Threaten to steal his pot and comic books and you’d REALLY piss him off.

– Mark Henry v. Lance Storm. Mark attacks to start and tosses Storm around for all of 0:51 before Shawn Michaels runs in for the DQ and lays him out. Storm gets to lay on the ground and sell while Shawn slaps hands with the fans. And they wonder why no one gets over. DUD

– Meanwhile, John Heidenreich meets Hurricane and reveals the secret of Little Johnny to him, privately of course. It better not be the literal sense of the phrase.

– Meanwhile, Lita confronts Christian in a nothing segment.

– Meanwhile, Coach bumps into Shane in another pointless backstage bit.

– Hurricane & Heidenreich v. La Resistance. It’s too bad Sylvain Grenier ruined it for everyone, because if they had STARTED with Conway & Dupree and tailored a gimmick to them instead of building around Grenier’s evil French act, they would have had something. Conway lays out Hurricane to start, but gets hit with an inverted vertebreaker. He hits Dupree with a plancha and goes up, but Conway brings him down with a neckbreaker. That gets two. I bet Conway is the next big thing if given a chance — he moves like the Rock and has that superstar look and attitude about him. Conway gets another neckbreaker, and Dupree gets two. Snapmare gets two. They work him over in the corner and Conway drops a fist for two. Dupree gets a prancing elbow for two. I like that he’s worked the taunt into an actual move now. Hurricane comes back with a sunset flip, but Dupree clotheslines him for two. Conway slugs away and pounds him in the corner, and Dupree goes to a neckvice. Charge
misses and Hurricane comes back with a DDT, hot tag Heidenreich, who immediately sucks all the fun out of the proceedings by doing the most generic, Nash-like big-man stuff you can imagine and getting two on Conway with a big boot. He dumps Dupree and a Rock Bottom finishes Conway at 5:54. Decent, but too long given the fan’s apathy towards the people involved. They need to do something with Conway, though. **1/4

– Shane McMahon v. Test. This is a no-DQ match that was built up as a “mystery opponent” and clearly positioned so the fans would think it’s Kane. So instead you get injured Test in a garbage match backdropping a lame storyline for Kane. Shane kicks him in the foot to start, prompting Test to run and hide behind Stacy. Shane goes after him and they brawl on the ramp, but Test rams him into the apron and the stairs. Through all of this, Test is yelling “come on, Kane!” until the point couldn’t possibly be any more hammered home. Back in, Shane fights back, but gets slammed. Test brings some plunder into the proceedings, but now Stacy interferes, allowing Shane to set up Test for a Van Terminator attempt. Kane’s pyro distracts him, however, and Test gets two with a crutch. Test tries a pumphandle, which is reversed into a DDT on a garbage can, and Shane gets two. Back to Van Terminator position, and let’s stop and think about this for a second and how stupid wrestlin
g can be — here’s a move where you need to not only position your opponent in a seated position in the corner, pointing in a direction perpendicular to the hard camera, while somehow forcing him to hold a garbage can, while you head to the other side of the ring. This is contrived enough ONCE, but Shane set up the move TWICE in this same match, which is kind of stretching the boundaries of belief, even for the WWE. Luckily for the world, Shane hits the move on try #2, and gets the pin at 6:23. * Why the hell is Shane going over ANYONE? And shouldn’t Test get some small measure of revenge for having his foot broken? Oh, wait, it gets better though, as Kane comes out to sneer at Shane, and in response Shane pummels Test and then re-breaks the foot on the stairs. Oh, and the match at the PPV is now an ambulance match, as if the bar couldn’t lower any further on this feud. I also want to point out how apathetic and completely silent the crowd was through the entire post-
match angle while Shane acted all macho and stuff.

– Trish Stratus v. Victoria v. Lita v. Gail Kim. Winner gets Molly at the PPV, although that’s not really in doubt. Everyone brawls to start and Lita slugs away on Victoria, who comes back with a sideslam for two. Trish rolls her up for two. She chops away and gets a headscissors, but Stevie sends her into the railing to take her out of the match. The heels work Lita over, but she powerbombs Kim for two. Victoria gets the Widow’s Peak on Lita, but Kim turns on her to save, and gets tossed for her troubles. Lita finishes Victoria with a DDT at 2:52. Rush rush rush. 1/2*

– The Coach reviews Austin’s book in a segment that might have been funny a few weeks ago, but they seem to have given up developing his heel character.

– Meanwhile, Cade & Jindrak continue their ELECTRICITY with a backstage interview, that somehow leads to Bischoff throwing Shawn Michaels out of the building. I think Shawn was just scared of the Marines in the front row.

– Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak v. Randy Orton & Ric Flair. Orton pounds Jindrak to start, but gets clotheslined. Cade slugs away, but gets clotheslined and stomped down. Flair comes in with chops and a back elbow, and he drops the knee. Orton gets the dropkick for two. Cade comes back and they collide, and Jindrak makes what I can only presume is a hot tag in the minds of the agents alone, because the crowd sure doesn’t care about these guys. Backdrops are seen everywhere. Orton gets a cheapshot and Flair rolls up Jindrak, but Maven slips in, pushes them over, and Jindrak gets the pin at 3:15. Nice little bit of continuity from last week, but Cade & Jindrak are like wrestling accountants or something. *1/4 Heel beatdown follows.

– Intercontinental title: RVD v. Chris Jericho. Seriously: I had forgotten Rob was even the champion until they brought it up tonight. Chris starts with the chops right away, but a high cross gets two for RVD. Spinkick gets two. Jericho comes back with something JR calls an enzuigiri-like kicking maneuver or something like that, and it gets two. Backdrop suplex and elbows get two. He goes to a surfboard, but Rob escapes. Jericho hits the post, allowing Rob to come back with a spinkick and some abuse in the corner. Northern lights suplex gets two. Jericho bulldogs him, but the Lionsault misses. RVD goes up and whiffs on the frog splash, and Jericho gets two. He goes low to set up the Walls, and now Bischoff distracts the ref while RVD is making the ropes, allowing Jericho to pull him back and get the submission at 4:29 to win the title. Well, that was certainly rushed. *1/2 Austin interrupts the celebration, however, to book a rematch, right now, in the cage.

– Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. RVD. Jericho attacks to start, but Rob comes back. He misses a dropkick, and Jericho works on the back. Rob sends him into the cage (called loudly by Jericho) adn they slug it out, and RVD gets a spinkick and sends Jericho into the cage again. Rob pounds away against the cold, unforgiving steel and climbs, but Jericho stops him. Rob kicks him down and climbs, but Jericho slams him down and bulldogs him. Lionsault misses again, but he climbs out, only to get stopped by the hair. Bulldog off the top and everyone’s out. Jericho climbs again, and Rob stops him again. They fight on top and Jericho goes down, as Rob climbs out at 5:54 to win the title back, giving Jericho a grand total of about 10 minutes with the belt. Match was the usual climbing contest. * All the midcarders run in to fill out the teams for Survivor Series, and they brawl to end the show.

The Bottom Line:

Definitely a watchable show this week, but not as entertaining as last week’s. I like that they at least have a direction for this stuff, although a lot of the choice of who to push is mind-boggling.

Goldberg better take lots of pictures with the belt, though. He’ll need the memories in a few weeks.