The SmarK Retro Repost – Massacre On 34th Street 2000

– Live from New York, NY

– Your hosts are Joey & Cyrus.

– Opening match: Simon & Swinger v. Joey Matthews & Christian York. Dawn Marie joins us at ringside, because she apparently needs a couple of men, and the winners of this match will do nicely. York & Matthews take turns looking up her skirt. Maybe we should just dub them “The Horny Boyz”. Simon & Swinger attack to start. The Hornyz come back with a doubleteam powerbomb on Swinger, and they blitz Simon. Swinger & York brawl outside, making York the horndog-in-peril. Simon gets his triple suplex sequence, but doesn’t cover. Hell miscommunication leads to the hot tag to Matthews. Tope suicida on Swinger, followed by Jeff hitting a plancha on Simon. Back in, Simon gets an inverted DDT, but York powerbombs him, and the Hornyz finish Swinger with a top rope rana/flying elbow combo to claim Dawn Marie. And of course that stip lasts all of 15 seconds before she turns on them and joins Simon & Swinger. Decent, but I’m a Simon & Swinger mark so I might be biased. **

– EZ Money v. Ballz Mahoney. Man, EZ is growing on me. If only he’d get some normal-looking tights. Without steroids he’s never gonna go anywhere, though. That’s not a judgment either way, it’s just a statement of fact. Ballz dominates to start, but misses a charge and gets beat up on the floor by Hot Commodity. Back in, he hits a backdrop suplex for two. Money bails and Ballz hits a slow plancha on all three guys. Back in, Ballz goes up, but misses the New Jersey Jam. Lariat gets two for Money. Jawbreaker and he goes upstairs, and gets crotched. Ballz superplex gets two. Ballz goes for a sunset flip but gets dropped for two. Money goes up and misses a swanton. Superkick gets two for Mahoney. Money hits his own for two. Group mugging on Ballz leads to a Moneysault for the pin. This was, I dunno, there. *1/2 Big brawl leads to one of those kooky ECW Impromptu Matches…

– Impromptu Match: Julio Dinero v. Nova. Nova invented the Impromptu Match, you know. He hits the Sledge-O-Matic to start, but Chris Hamrick interferes to turn the tide. Dinero gets two. Moonsault press gets two. Legsweep gets two. I dunno, these guys just aren’t clicking. Nova comes back and they slug it out. Nova blows an enzuigiri (Nova invented blown spots, too, you know) but gets two off it. Rollup gets two, but Dinero gets a superkick for two. Nova gets an ugly neckbreaker type thing, then takes out Elektra. Beatdown from Hot Commodity, but Ballz takes them out with his trusty chair. Nova swanton (which, by the way, is the first spot in the match that actually hits full on) finishes. Lots going on, but nothing happening. *1/2

– ECW World tag title: The FBI v. Danny Doring & Roadkill. If Doring and Roadkill don’t win the titles, Joey sez, they’ll split up FOREVER, because ECW always adheres to their stipulations. Like, for instance, if a female manager comes out in the first match and says that the winning team gets her services. Doring gets a pair of quick near-falls on Guido, then exchange slaps. Roadkill comes in and gets armdragged by Mamaluke, but quickly overpowers him. Bossman slam and double-team lariat follows. Roadkill slugs it out with Big Sal, and Tony hits a SICK SICK SICK tornado DDT onto Roadkill on the floor. That boy ain’t right. Back in the ring, Doring gets controlled by the FBI. Doring rollup is reversed for two. Legsweep gets two. Guido gets a fameasser for two, and into an armbar. Doring makes the hot tag to Roadkill, and he cleans house. Powerbomb for Tony, plancha for Sal. Doring goes up and gets crotched, but gives Mamaluke an exploding gutbuster for two. Guido nails him with the belt for two. Roadkill dives in and misses, and the FBI hook a double armbar. Mamaluke outdoes himself by getting launched headfirst into the railing in a SICK SICK SICK SICK bump, and back in the ring Roadkill blocks the Tomikaze into the Buggy Bang for the pin and the titles. Good match, and nice to Heyman finally giving Doring & Roadkill their due. ***

– CW Anderson v. Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer attacks to start, and hits a neckbreaker. Tommy works the arm. CW dumps him and they brawl. Tommy blades. No, really, I’m as shocked as you. Into the crowd for the usual. CW suplexes him on the floor. That’s only a 0.2 on the Mamaluke scale. Back in, Anderson goes for the arm and slaps on an armlock. Single-arm DDT gets two. Tommy comes back with a ropewalk elbow and rubs CW’s face along the ropes to mock the towelboy. Anderson whips the towelboy into Dreamer, but Dreamer gets a DDT for two. Lou E does a run-in and hits Dreamer with his cellphone, and a CW DDT draw Paul E out to destroy Lou personally, and Tommy DVDs Anderson, for two. CW suplex gets two. Blind charge misses and Tommy dropkicks a chair in his face. Table gets involved and CW gets slammed on it, but no-sells and chairs Tommy. Superplex on the table gets two. Okay, this match is officially dragging at the 400 minute mark or whatever it is by now, it’s time to mercy kill it. Another table, but Dreamer gets an ugly stunner variation. CW spinebuster through the (wrong side of the) table FINALLY finishes at about the 20 minute mark. WAY too long and WAY overbooked for what it was intended to do. Chop off 10 minutes and three run-ins and it would have been an okay match. *1/2

– World TV title: Rhino v. Spike Dudley. Spike goes after the knee to start, but gets beaten down. Brawl outside, Rhino takes over. He lays in some SICK chairshots. Rhino pounds away. Yawn. Spike comes back with some chairshots and they brawl outside. Spike does a balcony dive that the camera misses. Back in, he gets two. Rhino blocks the Acid Drop by putting him through a table. It gets two. Spear puts Spike on the floor. He chairs Rhino and tapes his leg to the ropes. He proceeds to chair the leg, but Rhino chokes him down and out for the win. What a dumb finish. Match showed what a load Rhino is, as usual. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Francine does her Tobias Beecher impersonation to Jack Victory. Ouch.

– Mikey Whipwreck & Yoshihiro Tajiri v. Super Crazy & Kid Kash. Crazy goes it alone for a bit until Kid Kash makes the save. Kash & Mikey start and Kash gets control. Tajiri & Crazy go and do their usual awesome wrestling sequence. Mikey & Tajiri double-team Crazy, then dropkicks a pair of chairs into Kash’s head. Crazy gets a quebrada on both, then Kash follows with a plancha. Back in, Kash gets a corkscrew senton and they take over. Mikey & Tajiri do their double-team stuff. Crazy hits the triple moonsault, and then a double-jump moonsault, but Tajiri gets the Tarantula. He mists Crazy as the match totally breaks down and the crowd loses it. Kash ranas Mikey through a table and Crazy gets a missile dropkick on Tajiri, but he comes back with his kick series. He piles some chairs on Crazy, puts a table on top, and then hits the double-stomp off the top onto the chairs for the pin. Started awesome, but it lost a lot of steam at the end without an actual match to build on the spots. Chop off 5 minutes and a better finish and some psychology, and it’s an easy **** match. As it is, it’s only ***

– Meanwhile, the Blue Boy picks up a hooker who looks suspiciously like Jasmine St. Clair. How witty. Question: Does Blue Boy actually serve a purpose at this point, or does his just hang around to amuse Paul E?

– ECW World title: Steve Corino v. Jerry Lynn v. Justin Credible. Corino & Lynn start and Lynn gets a kneedrop for two. Credible comes in and gets bumped out. Brawl outside. Yawn. Back in, a three-way pinning exchange gets two for each guy a few times. They slug it out. Justin tries the tombstone, but Lynn reverses it for two. Francine gets involved and Credible tomstones Lynn for the pin to eliminate him. Corino dumps Credible and baseball slides him. They brawl outside. Crowd is losing interest. They fight into the balcony. Corino gets caned off the balcony. Back to the ring, they exchange chops. That’s Incredible gets two. Corino gets the Expulsion for the pin. Whoopee. Sandman hits the ring, finally getting a reaction out of the crowd, and steals the belt. Dull match. *1/2

The Bottom Line: I’m pretty torn here. The effort was here, and I was pretty much entertained all the way through, but it took me the better part of a day to type it in because I had completely expunged the event from my brain 5 minutes after watching it.

But it’s not like anything ECW does matters at this point anyway, so it was worth the $21.95 in terms of entertainment and that’s all that matters without TV or touring to support the product.

Thumbs up.