The SmarKdown Rant – April 22 2004

The SmarKdown Rant – April 22, 2004

– Taped from Kelowna, BC.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening match: Booker T v. RVD. Rob attacks to start and gets a leg lariat for two. A spinkick puts Booker on the floor, and Rob adds another one out there to lay him out. Back in, it’s (guess what) another leg lariat, which gets two. Booker returns fire with his own back kick and gets a clothesline. He tries a cobra clutch, but Rob suplexes out of it. Rob comes back with a springboard kick and a trio of legdrops, setting up Rolling Thunder. Rob goes up, but fireworks interrupt him and Booker gets a rollup for the pin at 4:36. What a cheap finish. *1/2

– The interruption turns out to be Paul Heyman, who is the GM for one night only because Angle is in a “local medical facility” with a concussion, a broken leg and those pesky internal injuries. Well, considering most people who drop from 25 feet in the air onto a concrete floor end up DEAD, or paralyzed at the very least, I’d say he should consider himself lucky.

– After the break, we continue as Heyman chats with Rob in the ring, offering him a chance to be part of his new world order, since he wasn’t around when everyone betrayed him. He accuses Rob of “disgracing” ECW’s vision, however (which is funny considering that ECW sold out to TNN at the first chance they got), and now the Dudley Boyz interrupt. Heyman accuses THEM of being caricatures of themselves and forgoing their innate Extreme-ness. Pot, kettle, black. I expect Bubba to start accusing 13-year old girls of being whores any day now. This riles up the Dudleyz enough to turn on RVD, thus joining the apparent Heyman army. Heel, face, the Dudleyz still suck. There’s nothing left to do with them that can interest me in the slightest at this point, and it’s time to jettison them and start building a new team up. Apparently Rob is hurt bad enough that he too will be taken to a local medical facility. I hope someone breaks Cole’s jaw and he too has to go to one.

– Smackdown tag titles: Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty v. Charlie Haas & Rico. This was built as Haas and a mystery partner, which makes no sense – who signed the match that way? Why would Haas agree to that? Why even do it that way, booking-wise, when it make more sense to do SOME sort of angle to explain this rehashed nonsense? Not to mention that this is the second time Rico has been involved in a silly “mystery partner” angle in a tag title match, and the first time was with Rikishi! Rico starts with his former tag title partner and waves his ass at him, but gets booted down. Rikishi does the same thing back, but Rico enjoys it. Rikishi blocks a sunset flip, but gets spanked for his troubles, so it’s Scotty’s turn. Rico blocks a hiptoss and dances with Scotty. Well, that’s unique. He tosses Scotty and brings in an agitated Haas. Scotty manages a quick rollup and gets a pair of armdrags, then dodges a Haas charge and posts him. Rico offers to massage the groinal area. Scotty pounds away in the corner, but Haas takes him down with a hotshot, but Scotty gets an inside cradle for two. Haas steps on his throat to control again, but Rico tags himself in. And gets a rather disturbing rollup for two. Haas tags himself back in and continues choking Scotty down. Rikishi gets the tag and clotheslines Haas, setting up a corner clothesline and the Stinkface, but Rico pulls him out…and he wants the Stinkface instead. Rikishi obliges, but Haas gets put in Worm position by Scotty. Rico kisses Scotty to stop that, and he’s so stunned that Haas rolls him up for the pin and the titles at 7:12. Playing the tag title match as a comedy match is a REALLY bad idea, because the belts are worthless enough as it is. On the upside, it’s nice to see Rico actually motivated and doing something with the gimmick, because he’s so talented that he can make a bad gimmick entertaining. * On the other hand, this match was not entertaining and was so poorly constructed that I could hardly tell who I was supposed to be cheering for and when.

– Speaking of bad gimmicks, Bradshaw thanks Heyman for helping him unlock his inner Republican. Apparently, he got into a confrontation with Mexican World champion El Gran Luchadore at the airport, and will have the blowoff tonight. El Gran Luchadore? Am I really wasting two hours watching this show?

– Bradshaw v. El Gran Luchadore. He’s the “champion of Mexico”, and he has a Women’s title painted with the Mexican colors. Mr. Luchadore (his friends call him “El”) is Paul London, by the way. Bradshaw overpowers him and starts the CLUBBING FOREARMS, into a suplex. Snapmare and elbow, and he pounds him down again. Gran comes back with a headscissors and a dropkick, and dodges a charge to go up with a moonsault press for two. Springboard press is caught with a blockbuster slam, and it gets two, as Bradshaw picks him up. Normally that would be a mistake, but he seems to have things in hand. Powerbomb gets two. Bradshaw fakes a fall for Luchadore, and then finishes with the Clothesline From New York at 4:27. Same shit, different pile. Ѕ* No matter how you repackage him, he still sucks worse than the Blue Jays.

– Cafй De Rene time, including an accordion player. Ah, the touch of class that only an accordion can provide. His first guest: Torrie. Rene serves the wine and then asks hard-hitting questions about her laughing at Big Show. She thought they were just there to talk about the Divas magazine, you see. It’s like 60 Minutes for idiots or something. He gets upset at Kurt Angle being hospitalized because of her, and throws a glass of wine at her. John Cena makes the save and launches the Eiffel Tower at Dupree. You can take an eye out with that thing! Dupree’s an entertaining heel, but a singles match with Cena on PPV is gonna be a trainwreck because neither guy is capable of a long match at this point.

– John Cena v. Los Chavos Guerrero. Chavo Jr grabs a headlock on Cena to start, but Cena gets his own and hiptosses him into a slam. Junior bails and confers with Senior, then charges Cena and gets sent into the turnbuckles as a result. Cena overpowers him, but goes after Senior and gets clobbered from behind by the younger Chavo. They slug it out and Chavo Sr. gets a cheapshot, allowing a dropkick from Chavo Jr. that gets two. Sr. comes in and stomps away, as does Jr. He takes Cena down into a boot to the face from Sr., and they keep switching off on him. Jr. slugs away, but walks into a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. He tries to tag dad back in, but Cena drags him back and drops an elbow. Sideslam and Five-Knuckle Shuffle set up the F-U, but Sr. breaks it up. Sr. takes it instead, but Jr. dumps Cena. Dupree runs out and posts Cena and sends him back in, and Chavo Jr. finishes with a brainbuster at 5:41. Cena’s becoming a caricature in the ring, taking punishment for a few minutes and then doing his own version of the Five Moves of Doom and little else. *

– Elsewhere, Heyman consoles Torrie by letting her know that she’ll have the chance to avenge herself against Dupree in a singles match next week. Well, that’s all anyone can ask for.

– More wackiness with Mordecai.

– Booker joins us again to give a generic interview about being famous and the best on Smackdown and yada yada, but Undertaker’s music interrupts him. He runs away, because smoke and bells are REALLY scary. And lord knows getting squashed by Undertaker is just the thing to heat up Booker.

– Eddie Guerrero v. D-Von Dudley. This is the best they could do for a main event? D-Von pounds Eddie down and chokes away, then backdrops him. D-Von tosses him into a Bubba clothesline on the floor, which gets two back in the ring. Delayed suplex gets two. He slugs away in the corner, but Eddie fires back with elbows, only to get clotheslined for two. They brawl out and D-Von gets sent into the stairs, however. D-Von returns the favor by posting him, and it’s a double-countout at 4:45. However, Heyman restarts the match and we take a break. The atrocity will continue, sayeth Cole. You can say that again. We return with D-Von using a sleeper, but Eddie suplexes out of it. D-Von charges and Eddie comes back with a top rope rana, which gets two. He pounds away in the corner, but D-Von takes him down with a neckbreaker. A swinging version gets two. Another sleeper goes on FOREVER. Eddie breaks free, but D-Von keeps on him with another one. Eddie fights out, but runs into a boot, and D-Von goes up, only to miss an elbow. Eddie goes up and gets crotched by D-Von, setting up a superplex that gets two. D-Von goes up again and misses a headbutt, but keeps slugging on Eddie. Guerrero finally comes back and gets a back elbow to set up the rolling verticals. Bubba gets involved, and D-Von cradles Eddie for the pin (with Bubba holding the legs down) at 16:13. Bradshaw does the heel beatdown to add to the humiliation. What a boring match, with D-Von using his generic heel offense for 90% of it. **

The Bottom Line:

Heyman taking over for Angle as GM for a week teases us with watchability, but the innate boredom and suckitude of this show right now overwhelm it again, as the major feuds aren’t going anywhere that anyone wants to see and they can’t find any combinations in the ring that actually work.

And here I thought Thunder was cancelled 3 years ago…