The Wrestling News Experience: 02.18.13
Monday, February 18th, 2013
From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!
Your House Isn’t Haunted, You’re Just Lonely.
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and Happy Family Day/President’s Day/whatever reason your place of residence may have made up in order to get a Monday off in February. If you aren’t in one of those places, you should really look into it, because it’s kind of awesome.
Three days until we can start complaining about the PS4!
In case you cared, Brodus Clay and Tensai beat Rhodes Scholars on the pre-show. That was totally worth re-uniting the team for, no doubt.
Alberto Del Rio © vs The Big Show – World Heavyweight Championship
You know, I occasionally wonder if the Spanish Announce team is any good. Does Mexico have to put up with the Spanish version of Cole and Lawler, or does Vince basically leave them alone since he probably doesn’t understand the language?
Apparently turning face made Alberto realize that there are more potential colours for wrestling gear than black, white, and gold. Unfortunately, “tomato red” isn’t exactly the best of choices. Seriously, he looks like he’s wearing the label from a can of pasta sauce.
Cole name-drops Sammartino during a bearhug spot, which, coincidentally, is the last time the bearhug was considered a finisher instead of a rest hold.
Holy crap, they blew that spot pretty badly. Nice of Show to continue holding that metal bucket up to his head while Del Rio fell off the turnbuckle beside him.
Alberto Del Rio defeated The Big Show to retain the World Heavyweight title (submission, Cross Arm-breaker)
And now, a trailer for the same GI Joe movie that they promoted last year! Only now, it’s 3D long after everyone stopped caring about 3D! Again!
Antonio Cesaro © vs The Miz – WWE United States Championship
Somehow, Cesaro swinging a smaller guy in Miz into the barricade is far more physically impressive to me than any time they do a “who could possibly lift The Big Show because he’s so darned big” angle.
Hey, has anyone ever seen Cesaro clean-shaven? Does he just maintain stubble permanently somehow? Does his hair just stop growing at a certain length? Because I’ve noticed that about my own hair, except it was closer to shoulder-length for me.
What? I was trying something. No more questions! This interview is over!
Antonio Cesaro defeated The Miz to retain the United States title (DQ, unintentional nutshot)
Darn, that was turning into a decent match at the end until they decided to go with that finish. I’d actually like to see more of these two.
Also, Miz needs to play to the crowd a little more before going for the Figure-Four, give them a chance to pop first.
How did Daniel Bryan somehow end up as the calm, reasonable member of the team? And how crazy is that I would ever be wondering why Kane isn’t the calm, reasonable person?
Elimination Chamber Match To Become #1 Contender To The World Heavyweight Championship
It’s okay, Lillian, they already explained the rules in the video. Don’t strain yourself.
Well…that was an interesting musical shift for Swagger. Although he’s still got the same video, and Coulter still looks like he was begging for quarters outside the arena before the show.
I’m curious, just for the hell of it, which war is Coulter claiming to have been a part of? It’d have to be Vietnam, wouldn’t it?
I think Mark should have kept “All Will Suffer” on the back of his new shirt, it made the pan shot they use during his entrance more impressive.
Wait, did Cole just say someone would be released “every four minutes or so”? So, even WWE is admitting their clock-management skills are shoddy at best?
#1. Chris Jericho
#2. Daniel Bryan
Ladies and gentlemen, this commences our “wrestling” portion of the match.
#3. Jack Swagger
And the clock glitches during the countdown. There’s just something about New Orleans and power issues, isn’t there?
So, those two are totally losing the tag titles tomorrow, right? Have we got a team in mind to take them?
Also, accidental alliteration bonus!
Okay, I’m done.
Aw, damn, Swagger’s back into the action. I’m sorry, he really dragged the match down when he came in. Fortunately, it started as a Jericho-Bryan match, so even dragging it down, it was still decent.
#5. Randy Orton
This is degenerating into “Bad Rumble” territory, with too many people in the match, but they’re all lying around while two of them have a mini-match on their own.
#6. Mark Henry
Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes the “wrestling” portion. Please stay tuned for an ass-kicking.
Mark Henry eliminated Daniel Bryan (pinfall, World’s Strongest Slam)
You know, I know it’s a gimmicked pod, but dammit, I believe Mark Henry really could throw Randy Orton through one.
Mark Henry eliminated Kane (pinfall, World’s Strongest Slam)
Of course Jericho and Swagger can work together, guys. Like most racist Americans, Swagger only really concerns himself with people crossing the southern border. That’s why, every year, on Canada Day, Canadians sneak out at night and move the 49th parallel south by six inches. One day, it will all be ours!
Randy Orton eliminated Mark Henry (pinfall, parade of finishers)
Aw, damn. That was totally the wrong call. Hopefully Henry gets a nice consolation match at Mania.
Yes, six referees and Booker T will totally be able to stop Mark Henry from doing whatever he feels like. Hey, Henry, ask Vader what we do with interfering authority figures.
So, it’s gotta be Swagger, right? Because if it’s Orton I’m going to…well, probably sigh and live with it. But it’ll be a slightly angry sigh!
It’s okay! Swagger only hit his head into the pod, so he didn’t injure anything he was using!
Randy Orton eliminated Chris Jericho (pinfall, RKO)
Jack Swagger eliminated Randy Orton (pinfall, rollup)
Well, it’s the ending I would have predicted after Swagger’s return, but before Henry returned four days later, so I guess there’s that. Would have preferred that he actually hit a finisher to get the win, but when your actual finisher is a submission hold and you aren’t John Cena, no way is Randy Orton tapping out to you.
Okay, now, commit to the character! Also, get a haircut, the bangs thing is killing you, man.
John Cena, Ryback, and Sheamus vs The Shield
I’m warning you right now, I’m totally going to under-rate this match. Try and stop me.
Quick, someone get Cole a list of animals that swarm their prey, because he’s fixated on hornets for some reason!
There’s something odd about JBL patiently explaining Heel Motivations 101 to Jerry Freaking Lawler. Come on, Lawler, remember your proud heel roots! You weren’t always a caricature!
Lawler bringing up that the match isn’t close to over because Ryback hasn’t been in yet makes absolutely no sense. I’m fairly certain that there is no rule that says he has to participate in order for the match to end. I mean, it’s a booking trope, and no doubt he will get in the match before the finish, but there’s no actual rule.
Wow, Lillian nearly missed the cue and got squashed during the spear through the barrier.
YES! THAT IS THE CORRECT FINISH!
Don’t worry John, you weren’t pinned, you’re still “strong”.
The Shield defeated Cena, Ryback, and Sheamus (Rollins pinned Ryback, Reigns Spear)
Hooray, WWE didn’t Nexus them!
All right, it probably makes no storyline sense, but you might as well give them the tag titles if Hell No is breaking up anyway. I only say this is because I’m not sure what they do next, since Cena’s got bigger fish at Mania and they’ve beaten teams involving Ryback twice already. Of course, that said, I fully expect to see Ryback/Sheamus/Orton vs Shield at Mania, which would be fine, but mostly treading water.
Hey, Dolph, you missed your shot, the World title match opened the show. I know, I wouldn’t have predicted that either, I totally thought it would be the main event.
Nice of Dolph to say what we’re all thinking about Swagger’s Mania title shot. Don’t worry, Dolph, I doubt Swagger’s going to win anyway.
Not that I mind, but don’t we still have a Divas timewaster before we get to the main event?
Oh yes, Booker, the threat of Kofi Kingston will surely worry Ziggler! I forget, who’s ahead in their Best-of-Infinity Series at this point?
Dolph Ziggler vs Kofi Kingston
Hey, have you ever seen a Ziggler-Kingston match? Well, this was certainly one of them!
Dolph Ziggler defeated Kofi Kingston (pinfall, ZigZag)
Well, I guess they’re re-intent on making Langston look like a killer after Cena spent weeks making him look like a buffoon.
You know, Cole said Big E “looks after the affairs of Dolph Ziggler”, and now for some reason I think Langston should start wearing a suit and become the new Mr. Hughes. Who’s with me?
I can totally believe that WWE created that “how to install WWE App” to teach Vince about smart phones. Well, actually, it’d probably be one of a series, because first they’d have to explain to him what a smart phone is. And then what a cell phone is. And then what a non-rotary phone is. And then how to make a phone call without going through an operator. Have I milked this bit for long enough yet? Okay, then.
Oh Lord, Tensai’s somehow going to make me love him, isn’t he. “It’s supposed to be Japanese words of honour, but with my luck, it’s probably a sushi menu”. We’ve been saying that for months now!
Kaitlyn © vs Tamina Snuka – WWE Divas Championship
It takes a lot to kill a New Orleans crowd during the week after Mardi Gras, but I’ll be damned if this match hasn’t done it in the opening seconds. Come on, I know you’re out there, you couldn’t all possibly have gone to the bathroom at the same time, there’s no way the facilities there could handle it.
Yep, that is literally the entire Divas division watching this match: Layla, Aksana, Natalya, and the Funkadactyls. Anyone else think Kaitlyn’s reign could end up beating Punk’s simply from lack of having anyone who can actually wrestle for the title?
Kaitlyn defeated Tamina Snuka to retain the Divas title (pinfall, Spear)
Well, I’m certainly glad they didn’t decide to bump that long-awaited match from a second straight PPV. Because now it’s over.
The Rock © vs CM Punk – WWE Championship
Honestly, Punk should have stolen the title the first night after the Rumble, just to extend the whole dickish “pretending to still be champion” bit. As it is, we only get the whole “we must remind you, he’s not actually champion” entrance once. Plus, they could have run the bit on house shows all month!
I think they’re pacing this match a little better to deal with the fact that Rock’s cardio obviously started failing him last time. Although Rock’s still visibly gasping in the extended chinlock spot.
Oh geez, I hope that table was supposed to not break, as unlikely as that seems. Actually, it’s possible that, after last month’s premature breakage, they could have decided to just do a non-gimmicked table spot instead. I wonder, which is technically safer, when the table breaks before they get the spot off, or if it doesn’t break at all?
The fact that Rock is sucking wind and still does everything at full speed says something about his passion for this. I don’t think we focus enough on the fact that this guy gets paid millions of dollars to make movies and never has to take a bump, let alone wrestle a match in his life that he didn’t choose to do.
Wait, Punk’s getting a visual pin during the ref bump? Is Punk-Taker off? Are we actually going to get that Triple Threat match? Should we allow ourselves to hope? I wouldn’t, but you go right ahead.
Well, at least he kicked out of the Elbow. Can everyone stop whining about that now?
Man, the refs are just dropping like flies tonight. If Mark Henry had decided to destroy the half dozen that were sent after him, would there have even been anyone available to step in at this point?
The Rock defeated CM Punk to retain the WWE Championship (pinfall, Rock Bottom)
I feel like they tried to have a better match this time, and it felt better, although I can’t quite justify why.
Last night, to the shock of roughly nobody, The Rock retained the WWE Title against CM Punk and will now face John Cena at WrestleMania, where Cena will win the title and hopefully lose it back to Punk at the next PPV so we can all move on. But until then, it’s time to prepare for Rock-Cena II: Twice In A Lifetime! Ooh, I bet Cena’s going to rap again! Strap in, folks, we’ve got a month and a half of booking to get through, and Rock’s not even going to be there for two weeks after tonight.
Meanwhile, while Cena may have his title shot locked up, but things weren’t all rosy for WWE’s resident superhero, as he, Sheamus, and Ryback, went down cleanly in defeat at the hands of WWE’s newest force to be reckoned with, The Shield. Notably, at the end of the match, even Ryback seemed disgusted with the performance of his team, as he was once again foiled in his attempt to gain vengeance against The Shield for costing him the WWE Title on two separate occasions. What could that mean for tonight’s festivities?
Someone else who was mightily perturbed last night was Mark Henry, who was eliminated from the Chamber match last night, but left his mark in departing, serving notice that his path of destruction will continue, and at the moment, there seems to be no one capable of stopping him.
Oh yes, and Alberto Del Rio silenced all criticism by earning a submission victory over The Big Show to retain the World title, and he will now head to WrestleMania as champion, where he will face a returning Jack Swagger, who grabbed his shot by surviving the Chamber match, and looks to bring his new attitude, and new associate Zeb Coulter, into his upcoming title match with Del Rio.
And Team Hell No has never looked more vulnerable, as months of “every man for himself” matches would cause rifts between even the best of friends. Could their lengthy title reign be in serious jeopardy, or can they maintain their focus and possibly defend the belts on the grandest stage of all?
Plus, WWE is reportedly planning something involving a Mardi Gras float and possibly a marching band! If they weren’t in New Orleans, that would probably be a big spectacle, but even so, you might want to see what happens tonight on Raw!
– Word out of TNA (apparently Kazarian is running press for them these days) is that Lockdown may not be an all-cage PPV, which is not a bad idea given that there are only 4 TNA PPV’s now, and also because you can still have the traditional Lethal Lockdown match to maintain the name. Hey, what kind of world do we live in that TNA is realizing the inanity of single-gimmick PPVs and abandoning them before WWE does?
– Speaking of bad ideas being clung to beyond all reason, Raw will remain three hours long until at least SummerSlam, and for some reason some cable companies may be listing it as three one-hour shows. Because there’s nothing people like more than having to micro-manage their PVRs. Nothing like missing the last ten seconds of The Walking Dead because I forgot to set it to record for five minutes past the hour. I missed the best part of crazy Rick’s ramblings!
– WWE.com ran an article about potential locations for WrestleMania XXX (and I pray they don’t wuss out and drop the Roman numerals, because the jokes, they write themselves), notably omitting the actual location of the event, which will be the Superdome in New Orleans, and is expected to be announced tonight. If you considered that a spoiler, you care far, far more about the location of WrestleMania than anybody should.
– Reportedly, had Bruno not agreed to his Hall of Fame induction, they would have called in Kevin Nash to be the “big name” induction. Hey, so he could have been the lowest-drawing WWE Hall of Fame induction of all time too!
– Porn star Kendra Lust has denied having an affair with John Cena while he was married, which must be true, because porn stars never deny that they’re having sex with people, right?
– WWE has announced that they will no longer be covering the rehab costs of former Diva Sunny, who recently publically denigrated their long-standing policy of paying for rehab for former WWE talent. Adjust your death pool picks accordingly.
– Okay, that was mean, even for me. Let’s move on before I say something worse.
The “double Fingerpoke of Doom” spot is so ingenious that I’m shocked it hasn’t shown up wrestling until now, but then, it does take a special brand of cheating bastards to pull it off. In a week with a WWE PPV, Aries and Roode probably had the most memorable match. Although…
It was a good match, although hopefully nobody will be horribly upset when I say their first match was better. This was exactly what needed to happen. The faces got their usual in, but The Shield overcame everything and had many spots where they acted as well-oiled machines, somehow maintaining a numerical advantage in a 3-on-3 match, leading to a clean victory over 3 WWE Main Event talents. Now, what’s next?
If wanting to watch Mark Henry beat people up and shout random threats is wrong, then frankly, I don’t ever want to be right. Not that there was a big chance of that happening in the first place.
Well, once Swagger brought out a guy who was all up in arms about Mexican immigrants, the Mania match pretty much wrote itself, but I think at least there’s a chance that Del Rio will probably get the win. Unless Vince decides to try a JBL experiment again. Oh crap, don’t start thinking like that!
I mean, good for him, but talk about coming out of literally nowhere, to no fanfare, and somehow ending up in a World title match at WrestleMania. His return was overshadowed, and he was also completely overshadowed in the Chamber match. But hey, at least he’s doing better than 2012!
I’m not sure what his game is, I’m not sure what the end result will be, but all I know is that I want to find out what happens to this man. Either he’s really a good guy, or he’s been playing us all for fools the whole time. I’m good with both.
I was expecting a foregone conclusion and Cesaro and Miz put on a decent little bout of psychology, working on different body parts and actually having a competitive little bout that highlighted both men’s abilities. But I still like Cesaro better, so he makes it onto the rankings.
Seriously, here’s another guy who I’m not sure if he’s being serious, or if he’s just screwing with us, because all he’s been doing is preaching tolerance and reasonable actions while being totally supportive of his team and his teammate, and Kane keeps being a dick to him. At what point does the anger management fail, and the anger retake control?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s found his niche again. You know, I was actually upset way back when they took him out of the Hip Hop Hippo gimmick and turned him into A-Train. At least when he was dancing, he looked like he enjoyed his job every week.
Possibly one of the best wrestling shows that absolutely nobody is watching, they just finished up their own tag title tournament, and it seems like I’d rather watch the people I see on that show than half of the main roster. Especially the NXT Divas division.
Inactive List as of 02.11.12
– Evan Bourne, out indefinitely as of March 19th, 2012(foot)
– Christian, out indefinitely as of September 1st, 2012 (elbow)
– Hunico, out indefinitely as of November 1st, 2012 (ACL)
– R-Truth, out 6-8 weeks as of December 17th, 2012 (leg)
– Tyson Kidd, out 4-6 months as of January 10th (knee)
– Chris Sabin, out 6-9 months as of June 14th, 2012 (ACL)
– Eric Young, out indefinitely as of November 22nd, 2012 (kayfabe injury)
– Jeff Hardy, out for UK Tour (convicted felon)
– Jesse Sorenson, out at least one year as of February 12th, 2012 (spine)
– No reported transactions
WWE Champion: The Rock
– 22 day reign, defeated CM Punk on January 27th (Royal Rumble PPV)
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio
– 38 day reign, defeated The Big Show on January 11th (Smackdown)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett
– 49 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston on December 31st (Raw)
WWE United States Champion: Antonio Cesaro
– 183 day reign, defeated Santino Marella on August 19th (SummerSlam PPV)
WWE Tag Team Champions: Kane and Daniel Bryan
– 155 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston and R-Truth on September 16th (Night of Champions PPV)
WWE Divas’ Champion: Kaitlyn
– 35 day reign, defeated Eve Torres on January 14th (Raw)
WWE NXT Champion: Big E Langston
– 40 day reign, defeated Seth Rollins on January 9th NXT
**NEW** WWE NXT Tag Team Champions: Adrian Neville and Oliver Grey
– 5 day reign, defeated The Wyatt Family on February 13th NXT to become the inaugural champions
NOTE: NXT Title reigns only count what has aired on TV, not when changes occur at tapings.
TNA Heavyweight Champion: Jeff Hardy
– 127 day reign, defeated Austin Aries on October 14th (Bound For Glory PPV)
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode
– 11 day reign, defeated Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez on February 7th Impact
TNA X-Division Champion: RVD
– 127 day reign, defeated Zema Ion on October 14th (Bound For Glory PPV)
TNA Television Champion: Devon
– 74 day reign, defeated Samoa Joe on December 6th (Impact)
TNA Knockouts Champion: Tara
– 127 day reign, defeated Miss Tessmacher on October 14th (Bound For Glory PPV)
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: ODB and Eric Young
– 347 day reign, defeated Gail Kim and Madison Rayne on March 8th (Impact)
De Marco has The Wrestling 5&1.
Hill has The 8-Ball.
Sarnecky has The Piledriver Report.
And this week’s TWNE After Dark featured a lot of talk about the Olympics dropping wrestling, Jack Swagger’s new best buddy, and whether it would still be WrestleMania without an Undertaker match. Click the banner to access the archives!
Also, don’t forget to join the TWNE After Dark Facebook group.
411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 8 pm EDT.
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That’s our show, Marsico is in tomorrow, I will be back next week. Also, don’t forget 4PC in the Games Zone on Wednesday, and the TWNE After Dark podcast on Wednesday, airing live at around 9:30 pm on Spreaker.com, posted on 411 shortly thereafter.
Here it is, your Moment of Buddy
Buddy Only Has One Question About The PS4:
Is It Warm Enough To Nap On?
Have a good one, and always be a fan.