Views from the Hawke’s Nest: ISW Warped Tour 2014 – Montreal

 

July 5, 2014
Montreal, Quebec City

 

The first match was The Milk Man vs. Twiggy in a SRIRACHA PRO showcase for Milk Man’s Sriracha Pro Championship. Georgie Boy was on commentary and sounded far less stoned than he sounds in person. Not that I’ve seen him stoned. He just really sounds stoned. Rotch was also speculating about how much milk The Deej drinks. Oh yes, there was a match. Twiggy is actually a tremendously fun wrestler, and he provided a number of fun moments in this one. The Milk Man is a tremendously stupid gimmick that is perfect for ISW. After he cheated to win the match (and retain the title), he announced, “I hope you all drink your milk because I just broke some bones.” (**1/2)

 

The next match was Le Tabarnak de Team (Mathieu St-Jacques & Thomas Dubois) vs. Stu’s Kitchen (Pasquale The Italian Chef & Stu Grayson). While Pasquale and Stu were partners that kayfabe did not get along, they made for an actual strong tag team. I have long contended that Stu Grayson/Stupefied/Player Dos is one of the most exciting and under-appreciated wrestlers going today, and it seriously bums me out that he cannot wrestle in the United States for the foreseeable future. He is very fun to watch, and his timing is great. TDT and him worked very well together (minus an early flub), and that made the match a good one. Stu was pinned after some miscommunication between him and Pasquale. (***)

 

There was a four-way featuring Liam Letto vs. Matt Novak vs. Branden O’Connor vs. Adam Sky. This an indie spotfest in every sense. They did lots of movez. That kind of match can be fun. This was not that match. They just went on for an absurdly long time, and it was so boring and repetitive as a result. It’s genuinely hard to believe anyone in the match thought this was a good idea. Like, had any of them seen an indie spotfest before that a crowd cared about? Did it go on like this one did? (1/4*)

 

Cecil Nyx vs. Eddy Erdogan was next. Georgie Boy was refereeing in shorts so tan that it looked like he was wearing a giant ref’s shirt as a dress and nothing else. It’s a great look to be perfectly honest. More referees should dress this way. Sometimes I forget that Cecil is an actual wrestler and not a roleplay account that occasionally gets retweeted into my newsfeed. The action here was nothing too special but it at least ended with a Canadian Destroyer from Eddy. If you’re going to do a Canadian Destroyer, do it on a large fella. It is much more entertaining. (*)

 

Shyron put the CLL International All Star Championship on the line against Kitsune. These guys are a tag team and two of the most exciting high-flyers in the world. This was the highspots/creativity showcase that you would expect and want from these two. While a lot of the action was not as smooth as they’re capable of (both men have had matches with AR Fox that were much better), it was quite fun. The main blight was that Shynron’s variation of a reverse ‘rana (more of a German suplex with his legs) was botched a bit and that made for a weak finish. (***)

 

The first disc ended with Dan Barry vs. Michael Von Payton. The match was the soundest since the Stu Dos tag match. It was genuinely refreshing to see two guys who clearly knew how to work a match after a so many matches that worked outside the standard structure (with varying degrees of success). MVP got control of the match and targeted the back. Barry used highspots to get back into the match. Unfortunately, they went too long after that, and my interest waned a few minutes before the finish (Barry hit a diving DDT). This was okay in the end. (**1/2)

 

Craigslist Homo vs. The Noodle King kicked off disc 2. While I love that ISW promotes babyface gay characters, characters like Homo and GLAAD Baad are too defined by their “otherness.” On top of their characters being entirely defined by that as far as I can tell, this match was basically built around Craigslist trying to make Noodle King uncomfortable by assaulting him. I don’t know. I get the ideas behind this, and I think they come from a place that seeks to be progressive in the very homophobic professional wrestling world. It is not good enough though. Craigslist eventually kissed Noodle King (after Rikki Glaadcliff prevented King from using a chair) to distract him and then caught him with a schoolboy to pick up the win. This was no good. (1/2*)

 

Leon St. Giovanni took on Lloyd Cthulowitz next. This ended up being way better than could have been reasonably expected. It was not “good” exactly but Cthulowitz actually showed some promise as an undercard, fiery babyface here. LSG continues to be a solid undercard heel for ISW. This was nothing to get too excited for mind you. I enjoyed it enough though. (**1/2)

 

The next match featured Benny Martinez vs. Lucky Sabiti. Martinez displayed his great athleticism here a few times and convinced me that he probably has a fair amount of potential. Sabiti did not much to the match unfortunately, and he dragged the match down quite a bit.  He just did not seem especially talented in any aspect of working a wrestling match. (**)

 

Pinkie Sanchez vs. Angie Skye had the tall task of following that one. Pinkie is a really fun wrestler, and I appreciated how he worked in a manner to make Angie look as strong as possible. The match did not really work though. This would have benefited from being a more compact/high-energy affair. Instead, they really took their time before the fun stuff got going. Then they went ten more minutes (APPROXIMATELY). Pinkie eventually finisher her with a moonsault. I don’t know how long this actually went, but it felt thirty minutes in the worst way possible. (1/2*)

 

Sexxxy Eddy vs. Buxx Belmar was up next. These are two gimmicks that are fairly amusing live to see once or twice (in fact, I saw both of them on the same show a few months before this one). However, they really do not translate well to tape as there is virtually nothing of substance going on. The fact that it’s a concert show with little crowd involvement makes it even harder for them do something noteworthy. This was the wrong match for this show. (3/4*)

 

The next match was CROWDSOURCED through Kickstarter: Jaka vs. Los Dumbfucks. Jaka squashed them fairly quickly. Jake was confronted by The Green Phantom after the match. Jaka ended up wiping him out with a pescado. This seemingly turned into a Jaka vs. The Green Phantom match for the IWS Championship. I do not really get the appeal of The Green Phantom. I have seen him him a handful of times before (most notably in a boring match with Brodie Lee), and he does not seem good at all. This match was also not that good. I blame Phantom as there is an awkwardness to his actions that is just jarring to watch. He won though and successfully retained his title. (**)

 

The main event was Izzie Deadyet defending the ISW Championship against Kitsune. This match was going well, as Deadyet always works very hard and Kitsune is fantastic. Buxx Belmar interfered though and powerbombed Deadyet onto some LEGO bricks. The main event ended in a no contest which is fucking absurd given the context of the show. It is mostly a shame because it was the first good match in a while. (**3/4)

 

Watch some ISW for free!

A panda vs. a zombie

Jigsaw & Gran Akuma vs. TDT

El Generico vs. Player Uno

Kevin Steen vs. Player Uno

El Generico & Twiggy vs. zombies

El Generico vs. Twiggy

El Generico vs. a zombie

Mike Quackenbush, Skayde, & Lance Steel vs. Damian, Exess, & Kid Kamikaze

Kimber Lee vs. JT Dunn

Chris Dickinson vs. Jaka [Bit of a wild match]

Player Uno vs. Kitsune

AR Fox vs. Eric Corvis vs. Leon St. Giovanni

Addy Starr vs. Michael Von Payton

Gran Akuma, Icarus, & Jolly Roger vs. Hallowicked & 2.0

 

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2.5

The final score: review Very Bad

The 411

While this show had its charms and a few good matches, there is no denying that it was not a good pro wrestling show overall. ISW has never been a "workrate" promotion, but workrate was hardly the biggest issue of this show. There were just too many matches that were just not smartly done to cover up for the weaknesses of the wrestlers or for the lack of crowd involvement. Hopefully, the Hartford Warped Tour show is better.