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Which Wrestler Would Make the Best US President? Goldust vs. Wyatt vs. Triple H

November 8, 2016 | Posted by Jake Chambers

On the eve of the most pro-wrestling of US Presidential elections, don’t you wonder what it would be like if an actual wrestler ran for president? Sure, we’ve all seen jokes about it before, like in the movie Idiocracy, but seriously why not a wrestler? They are great improvisors, fantastic memorizers, dynamic personalities, world travelers, and incredibly physically intimidating. I’ve scoured the roster of America’s marquee professional wrestling federation, World Wrestling Entertainment, and found the three wrestlers that I believe possess the most presidential of qualities.

The 411mania Wrestling 3-Way Dance matches up three opponents in an intellectual battle every week. The biggest advantages and disadvantages of each contender will be highlighted before a final ranking will declare the ultimate winner. This week’s 3-Way Dance:

Which Wrestler Would Make the Best US President?

Triple H vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Goldust

The Biggest Presidential Advantage of…

Triple H = Playing the Game.

We all know Triple H’s gimmick is about taking advantage of his white privilege to become grossly offensive, wealthy and powerful, and this is right in the Donald Trump-style Republican wheelhouse. As a silver-spoon, Connecticut blue blood, Hunter Heart Helmsley worked his way up from a promising prospect cum punished jobber to now being the heir apparent to the biggest pro-wrestling dynasty in history. This fabled, boot-strapping past is built around his ability to “play the game”, an abstract concept that combines savvy decision-making with a near mystical intuition for the loop holes and tricks that can get you ahead without any pure talent. We must assume that the skills used to climb Titan Tower are easily transferable to conquering the much simpler political game on Capital Hill.

Bray Wyatt = Promos.

Bray Wyatt is undoubtably a master at the kind of empty, circular, nonsensical rhetoric that comes out of the traditional Hilary Clinton side of the political spectrum. Being able to give the same boring, droning, meaningless promo night-after-night might seem, on the surface, like a negative quality, but these days this is exactly what it takes to succeed. Progress and change only hurt your bottom line and grasp on power, so if you can master the ability to make it look like you’re doing something yet never really do anything, then you’re kind of set for life. It’s been working for Wyatt in the WWE so far, and I think it would help him just as much in the White House.

Goldust = Experience.

While Goldust doesn’t have any actual political experience that I know of, he’s got life experience, and that’s what’s going to appeal to the widest base of voters out there, from Tea Partiers or Libertarians.

Just look at his list of life choices:

– he’s been the living embodiment of Hollywood, one of America’s biggest export industries

– for a while he was an out-gay man who used sexuality to seduce and humiliate homophobic opponents, thus being able to relate to both the closeted and militant in the LGBTQx community

– lived an artistic, BDSM alternative lifestyle like many who are underrepresented come election time

– became a born again, ultra-right wing religious zealot thus being able to speak to the large voting contingent of Christian Americans

– was a victim of workplace injury that resulted in a form of unique Tourette Syndrome, giving him insight into medicine, mental illness and welfare issues

– has partnered twice with African American wrestlers, Booker T and R-Truth, so he has successfully bridged racial cultural gaps

– his talented brother Stardust was a petulant, scheming cosmic villain whom Goldust was able to hold back from becoming a bigger star, just as he might be able to do with the power-mad corporations currently dictating most policy decisions in America

The Biggest Presidential Disadvantage of…

Triple H = Vince McMahon.

Being married to Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s daughter would be the biggest detriment to Trip’s presidential aspirations because there’s no way this old busybody is going to sit back and let his son-in-law lead the free world. Vince would probably allow Triple H to be the Governor of Connecticut, but not President! As long as Vince is alive it’s gonna be tough convincing voters that Triple H isn’t just his puppet.

Bray Wyatt = Paganism.

Being able to seemingly tap into magical dark forces does not bode well for Bray Wyatt’s chances, at least on the outside. If you believe that most people in prominent power today are there only due to connections to the Illuminati and Satanism, you may be right, but that doesn’t mean these captains of industry and leaders of nations proudly flaunt their demonic beliefs and mystic abilities, by say, appearing in astral form in order to disrupt the outcome of a battle between two rivals.

Bray Wyatt has the charisma and leadership skills to be President but even a clearly godless heathen like Donald Trump has to pretend to be super religious in public. Constantly referring to yourself as a “god” is probably something not even Trump could get away with.

Goldust = Not Really Being Gay.

We had the first mixed-race African America President, and we may be on the verge of having the first Cisgender Female President, so the lure of the first ever gay male President would have worked in the favor of Goldust if only he was actually gay like his infamous mid-90s run led us all to believe.

Not being able to leverage this minority status would probably hurt him with the important liberal voting blocks in New York and California. And it’s not like he can pretend NOT to not be gay now after emphatically admitting that he was pretending to be gay all those years ago before moving and dating that piece of ass Ryan Shamrock!

The Final Ranking

Okay, these are all great options, but who exactly would make the best US President?

#3 = Bray Wyatt

Undoubtedly a strong choice as a leader, and possibly one you’d want to follow in a revolution, a zombie apocalypse, or by drinking a magic potion that transmutes your soul to a higher plan of existence, but I don’t think he would ever win a national election. However, when they start allowing text message votes I might have to re-evaluate his standing due to an apparent ability to control cellphones.

#2 = Triple H

I think HHH is the easy pick; he’s a politically-minded, white, upper-class, successful businessman, with a creative mind, charming demeanor, and history of overcoming the odds. But in 2016, the climate is not right for such a traditional candidate anymore. He’s like Jeb Bush; he’s got all the pedigree but time has passed him by. America has been long too manipulated and taken advantage of by powerful men like Triple H and that’s left the voting population with a hunger for change, as least aesthetically. So, even though he has all the skills to be President, I don’t think he’d make the absolute best President that one could cull from pro-wrestling world.

#1 = Goldust

Dusty Rhodes may have wined and dined with kings and queens, and slept in alleys and dined on pork & beans but it is his son who should be rocketing around on Air Force One and hanging out at Camp David for fun.

As the world becomes more confusing and corrupt, as capitalism tightens the point of the global economic pyramid, and our own natural environment seeks to scratch out the infection called humanity, who better than Goldust to take the reigns of the most expensive and crowded carriage barrelling down that rickety road to the future?

Goldust can relate to so many different people: the freaks and the jocks, the meek and the mild, the perverse and the pristine. He is one of pro-wrestling’s most diverse performers, and yet has never been tainted by too much success or ruined by horrid failure. Ironically, this bizarre every-man is the best candidate at a time when each citizen of America is their own brand. Whereas Triple H is too traditional and Bray Wyatt too radical, Goldust lives on the bleeding edge.

He was a technician in the ring who became hardcore before ECW, was the Attitude Era when WWF was still trying to sell Doink ice cream bars, he broke the rules when everyone was playing it safe, and got into the best athletic shape of his life at the end of his career.

There is no outlier in pro-wrestling history more ready today to determine the national direction on health care (DDP Yoga), illegal immigration (the dude’s from Texas), terrorism (mind games), and championing good ol’ American values (the son of the son of a plumber).

So hail to the golden chief!

article topics :

Goldust, Triple H, WWE, Wyatt, Jake Chambers