411’s WWE Raw Report 12.05.05

Cue the Raw intro. Cue pyros. Cue Joey Styles welcoming us to Monday Night Raw from Charleston, South Carolina.

Styles talks about the media talking about Flair’s road rage arrest. Edge will have Flair on his show – Cutting Edge. Shawn Michaels and Shelton Benjamin takes on Kurt Angle and Carlito.

**No Chance That’s What You’ve Got**

Vince McMahon drives out in a garbage truck.

Vince: Last week I told Eric Bischoff that if he didn’t achieve his objectives that this week it would be time to take out the trash. (Cheers) Unfortunately for Mr. Bischoff he failed yet again last week. What we have here before you ladies and gentlemen is a trash truck. The only thing that’s missing is the trash itself. It’s time to face the music – allow me to present to you your current General Manager of Raw – Eric Bischoff. Eric? Come on Eric…

**I’m BAAAACK**

Eric Bischoff with a rather sad look on his face makes his way to the ring.

I should note the ring is decorated with red carpet, two podiums, and a big leather chair.

Eric on the mic: Mr. McMahon…..(YOU SUCK chants). Mr. McMahon this job – this is more to me than a job. This is not about what I do. This job is about who I am. And Mr. McMahon – before this goes any further I’m pleading with you to please let me keep my job as the GM of Raw.

Vince: Eric – look – before you go any further and make a bigger fool of yourself you might ask yourself why I have two podiums out here and a chair on a raised platform. I’m a fair man. I think you would agree with that. Mr. Bischoff, I think everyone should have their day in court because for the first time tonight live here on Raw will be the trial of Eric Bischoff. I’ve appointed myself the judge of course – I’ve also appointed you a defense counsel and I’ve also appointed a prosecuting attorney. Now would be a good time for the opening arguments. The man representing you will be The Coach!

The Coach makes his way to the ring.

Vince: He’s carrying a briefcase. He certainly looks official. He’s eloquent. Besides he’s wearing Johnny Cochran’s sunglasses – look at him.

Coach: Eric, I got this. (YOU SUCK chants) Your honor – my client, Eric Bischoff, is an asshole. You cheer that, but you see Eric Bischoff is not your friend. He does not get paid to be your friend. He gets paid to deliver the most exciting show in sports entertainment week after week. And that’s exactly what he has done for four years. By the end of tonight I will prove that not only does Eric Bischoff deserve to keep his job; Eric Bischoff deserves a raise. Eric Bischoff is the single greatest general manager in WWE history.

Vince: Nicely done, Coach. And now representing the prosecution…..

**Mick Foley’s music hits**

Mick Foley is here!! Foley makes his way down with a black suit and a batman lunchbox as his briefcase.

Mick on the mic: (FOLEY chants) Your honor, I can honestly state that no one has done more to benefit Raw than Eric Bischoff. You see several years ago when Eric was running WCW he went out and announced that WWE was going to have a match where Mick Foley wrestling as Mankind would win the WWE championship. Eric attempted to destroy the greatest night of my career. But in a cruel twist of fate half a million fans changed channels simultaneously starting a run for WWE Raw in the ratings war that they would never relinquish. I will prove as a general manager that Eric Bischoff was conniving, manipulative, deceitful – and I will prove that he will fail miserably in his attempt to entertain the general public including the general public right here in Charleston, South Carolina.

Vince: We thank you for opening statements. This will resume in a more suitable environment. By the end of the night we will find out whether Eric will keep his job or it will be time to take out the trash.

Ad Break

**WEEEEELLL….Well it’s the Big Show**

At a combined weight of 827 pounds – the world tag team champions, Kane and the Big Show.

Kane and Big Show will take on Batista and Rey Mysterio at Armaggedon. The tag team titles are on the line tonight.

Match 1: Fatal Four Way: Big Show and Kane vs. Val Venis and Viscera vs. Snitsky and Tomko vs. The Heartthrobs

Show with a side-slam on Val Venis. Viscera with a big splash on Kane in the corner. Show and Vis stare each other down, but Kane attacks him from behind. Kane and Big Show hammering on Viscera. Viscera off the ropes – Kane and Big Show with a double chokeslam on Viscera. Snitsky back in the ring, but he quickly gets dispersed. Antonio off the top rope, but Big Show catches him and throws him out of the ring. Show picks up Romeo by the head and b rings him back in the ring. Whip into the buckle by Kane to Venis. Kane now with a big clothesline in the corner on Val. And now Show lands a big splash on Val. Show grabs Venis in the chokeslam while Kane grabs Romeo. Now both men have Tomko in the chokeslam. TRIPLE CHOKESLAM!! HOLY SHIT! 1…2…3!

WINNERS: Kane and Big Show (2:25)

We are now in the WWE court of Raw.

The honorable Vincent Kennedy McMahon is residing. Bischoff is represented by Coach. Foley is the prosecuting attorney. Chris Masters is the bailiff. Mr. Foley you may remove your boot from the table and call your first witness.

Mick: My first witness is Mrs. Stephanie McMahon. You have yourself served as general manager in the past have you not?

Stephanie: Yes that is correct.

Mick: In your expert opinion did Mr. Bischoff conduct himself appropriately in his position as general manager.

StephanieLet me state for the record that both my brother, Shane McMahon and I believe Eric Bischoff should be removed from office. I believe actions speak louder than words so let’s look at the video for proof.

Mick: I would like to present Exhibit A.

They show Bischoff kissing Stephanie McMahon in 2002 on Friday Night Smackdown.

Stephanie: Eric Bischoff impersonated my father and then violated me. It’s been three years, and I still haven’t got the wretched ominous taste out of my mouth.

Coach: I object!

Vince: SHUT UP! Overruled.

Stephanie: Thank you daddy – I mean, your honor.

Ad Break

We get a video montage of the WWE visiting Iraq. The Tribute to the Troops will be in two weeks. Art Myers is here – he’s the Director of the U.S. Services.

**Trish Stratus’ music hits**

Trish Stratus and Mickie James make their way to the ring. Mickie will be in action tonight.

**I Ain’t The Lady To Mess With**

Victoria is accompanied by Torrie Wilson and Candice Michelle. Victoria will be Mickie’s opponent.

Match 2: Mickie James vs. Victoria

Victoria talks with Trish and Mickie rolls her up for a two count. Lockup slide under b y Mickie. Snapmare by Mickie. Off the ropes, standing dropkick. Victoria uses a leverage move to choke out the throat of Mickie James. Mickie shoved to the outside. Candice and Torrie pick her up, but Mickie takes care of them both. Victoria out and Mickie takes care of her too. Victoria rolled back in. Mickie walks in to a power slam. Cover gets 2. Victoria slams Mickie face first into the canvas and now just hammering down bare knuckles to the skull of Mickie James. Body slam by Victoria. Victoria steps on Mickie and then lands a standing moonsault. Cover gets 2 again. Victoria works over the left arm of Mickie. Mickie fights out with a forearm. And another. And again. Mickie with some rights and lefts, but Victoria ends that with a big clothesline. Victoria sends Mickie into the corner, but she meets elbow. Head scissors in the corner by Mickie. Clothesline by Mickie. And again. Irish whip reversed by Victoria and Mickie comes off with a flying burrito! Cover gets 2. Spinning back kick by Mickie. Front kick by Mickie. And a heel kick connects! Torrie up on the apron so Mickie pulls her in by her hair. Mickie stomps away on Torrie. Victoria misses a clothesline and Mickie lands a back kick. Candice shoves Mickie off the ropes, but Trish lands a kick to the ribs on her. Victoria rolls up Mickie and that’s all.

WINNER: Victoria (4:11)

Mickie is pissed off at Trish. Everything’s OK now apparently. Back to the courtroom.

Tajiri is on stand. His translator says:

I have been a huge star in Japan and ECW yet Eric ignores this. I wish a pregnant rhinoceraus would shove his mighty horn up Eric’s mighty crevis.

Tajiri: Bischoff – I hope you get fired.

Coach: At this time we have no questions for Tajiri, but we do have a request. We request that Tajiri get back to the arena as soon as possible because Tajiri is in a match with Triple H.

Tajiri doesn’t like this too much and hops over the stand so Masters escorts him out.

Coach: This wasn’t done out of malice, but simply of the spirit of competition.

Vince: Please call your next witness.

Mick: Accompanied by the Fabulous Moolah say hello to Mae Young.

King says “she was a witness when David killed Goliath.”

Ad Break

Back in the courtroom….

Mae Young: That’s why Eric Bischoff has no penis.

Coach: There is little to no evidence that Eric Bischoff has no penis.

Mick: I would like to introduce exhibit B.

We see a video of Mae Young kissing Bischoff and giving him that one thing X-Pac used to be.

Coach: I object to this. The witness is old, senile, and above all else – the witness is taunting my client.

Vince: Sustained. Call your first witness.

Coach: My first witness is Chris Masters.

Vince: This is highly irregular.

Coach: Could you state your name please.

Masters: Chris Masters.

Vince: This witness has committed perjury. This man’s name is not Chris Masters – I happen to know it’s Chris Mordesky. Bailiff if you would please remove yourself.

Shelton is in the back getting ready for the match. Shawn shows up and asks if he’s ready for the night. Shelton is from South Carolina. Shawn talks about Shelton’s background. Shawn says his career in the WWE has amounted to a big fat zero. Shawn talks about how Shelton’s career has gone downhill since the night they met each other. Shawn gives him a little pep talk about wanting friends or success. Shelton tells him not to worry about him.

Ad Break

In the courtroom….

Vince: Mr. Coachman if you have another witness would you please call them at this time.

Coach: I just got off the phone with a witness that will prove without a shadow of doubt that Mr. Bischoff does deserve to be general manager.

**Chaaaaavoooooo**

Chavo Guerrero is here!! He will go one on one with Lance Cade.

Match 3: Chavo Guerrero vs. Lance Cade

Big Eddie chants before this one starts. Lockup. Chavo backs Cade into the corner, but Cade turns it around. No clean break as Lance Cade opens up on Chavo with boots and forearms. Whip into the buckle by Cade, but he meets boot. Chavo with some uppercuts and rights to the chest. Whip by Chavo is reversed b y Cade and Cade sends him to the outside. Cade hammering on Chavo on the outside. Cade pushes Chavo into the steel ringpost. Back in the ring now. More Eddie chants. Sideslam backbreaker by Cade. Cover gets 2. Cade off the rope, but Chavo lands a big dropkick! Chavo with an uppercut sends Cade reeling. Chavo hammers away on Lance Cade. Off the ropes , but Cade catches him and pushes him back into the turnbuckle. Lance says: “Where’s Eddie now?” Brainbuster suplex attempt by Cade, but Chavo counters it into a DDT. Chavo to the top – FROG SPLASH! 1….2….3!!

WINNER: Chavo Guerrero (3:37)

Backin the courtroom…..

Coach: Despite having nowhere to go facing unspeakable prejudice Mr. Bischoff gave your job back.

Daiviri: Eric Bischoff gave mea chance when no one else would. I watched the show when you were the commissioner Mick and it was nothing short of pathetic. There is no doubt in my mind Eric Bischoff should be the general manager of Raw.

Vince: I didn’t hear a word you said – I was listening to Ashlee Simpson on my Ipod. God she sucks.

Vince says Daiviri doesn’t need to repeat what he said and he will not be refereeing Kurt Angle’s match. Mick chows down on some moonpies.

Ric Flair on the Cutting Edge is next.

Ad Break

We’re back live with Edge and Lita in the ring.

Edge: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first ever historic edition of the Cutting Edge. You see this show is different because we are going to ask the questions that everyone else is afraid to ask. We are going to push buttons, cut to the chase. It’s probably going to catch flak from people in the locker room, but we don’t care. I am your host – the Rated R Superstar himself – Edge. And by my side, the only lady hot enough to be on this show (SLUT chants). You wish – you wish because she’s mine. The lovely Lita.

Lita: Did I just catch you staring at my boobs? Because I don’t mind, but I do know first hand why they call you the Rated R Superstar.

Edge: People are afraid to show up on this show. We can’t find a guest.

Lita: Well they are scared because of how you destroyed Dmitri Young.

Edge: Due to some legal advice Ric Flair won’t be on the show tonight.

Lita: Looks like Ric Flair might have been taking some advice from his probation officer. Not wanting to cross any state lines.

Edge: That’s right – this is “Flair Country.”

Lita: No, no, no – baby – this right here is Edge Country. WOOOOO!

Edge: I like that. I think that’s why Ric was afraid to come on the show tonight. He’s afraid to face the heat of the Cutting Edge. If he were on tonight I’d tell him that after all these years of priding himself on the dirtiest player in the game caught up to him. If you haven’t seen the news Ric pulled some guy from a car and beat the crap out of him. It seems he’s making more news outside of the ring than he did inside. Ric has gone from this…the limousine riding, jet flying, kiss stealing, wheeling dealing, son of a gun….to this (shows picture of mug shot). The mug shot posing, handcuff wearing, road rage committing convict. WOOOOO.

Lita: It sounds like Ric Flair was having some insecurity issues because he knows he just couldn’t get it done in the ring anymore. (Edge Sucks Chants) We see who these people look up to. A man that has been reduced to beating people up on the streets.

Edge: Let’s not even get into his personal life. Talk about tarnishing your legacy Nature Boy.

Sgt. Slaughter and Michael Hayes tell him to get out of the ring.

Edge: What we have here is the Freebird Michael P.S. Hayes and Mr. Yo Joe himself – Sgt. Slaughter.

Lita: Or AKA are on a check by kissing Vince McMahon’s ass.

Edge: What’s the matter did she hit a nerve there guys? Are you hurt?

Hayes and Slaughter get into the ring.

Edge: You look a little dumbfounded guys, but I’m used to seeing that expression on your faces. I get it Michael – somebody told you I had a bottle of Jack Daniels and an 8-ball down here didn’t they.

Hayes: I said let’s go – the boss said the show’s over.

Edge: I don’t care what the boss said – the boss needs to get out here and tell me himself.

Hayes: What is it with you kids today? I swear to God I just don’t get it. You come out here running your mouth. You don’t’ care about anybody, you don’t care about anything. And you sure as hell don’t have respect for he and I and people like Ric Flair built so you can have what you got today. You walk around and your damn rental cars waiting for you with your guaranteed contracts and your days off. Ric Flair is not my best friend, but I respect what he has done for this business. And as a sixteen-time world champion I’m going to give Ric Flair the benefit of the doubt. You wanna ask the tough questions? So I’m going to ask you one – how many times have you been in the main event? How many times have you sold out the arena and turned em away? Now I got the best one for you – how many times have you been world champion? Let me do the math for you because it won’t take long – zero.

Edge: That’s it – cut your mic. This is my show. Cut his mic. Your mic is cut because it’s my show. Quit spitting on me. It’s my show. What are you gonna do Michael – are you gonna beat me up Freebird. I don’t think so. Because you don’t have your best friend, Terry Gordy. That’s right I’ve gone there. Where is your best friend? Where is Terry? That’s right Michael. Terry Gordy’s dead.

Michael bows his head in shame.

Hayes: You son of a bitch the only reason you got this show is because you’re banging Matt Hardy’s ex-girlfriend.

Edge decks Hayes and kicks Slaugther. But Hayes is up and fighting back. Lita jumps on the back of Hayes and Edge nails Hayes with the briefcase. Edge and Lita kiss.

Ad Break

Slam of the Week is Triple H backing down from Big Show.

Tajiri is already in the ring awaiting his match.

**Time To Play The Game**

Making his way to the ring Triple H.

Match 4: Triple H vs. Tajiri

Tajiri opens up on Triple H with some fists and boosts. Handspring elbow is thwarted by a big shot to the back of the head by the Game. Triple H backs Tajiri into the corner and pounds him into the ground. Vertical suplex by the Game. Trips mocks Tajiri, but catches a boot and some chops from Tajiri. Tajiri off the ropes and this time connects with the handspring elbow. Triple H whips him into the turnbuckle – tarantula is thwarted by Triple H as he throws him to the floor. Trips sends Tajiri into the steel ringpost. Tajiri rolled back into the ring. Big sidekick by Tajiri. Tajiri walks into a spinebuster by Triple H. Pedigree! And that’s all.

WINNER: Triple H (2:35)

Back to the courtroom…

Coach calls his next witness – Simon Dean. Simon doesn’t appear. Vince asks him where the hell his witness is. The Boogeyman rises up from behind the stand.

Boogeyman: Tick tock – time for a new face to be put in his place. Now Eric B. you listen to me. (Laughs) As the time grows near, the future becomes more clear that you don’t belong here. I’m the Boogeyman and I’m coming to get ya! (Breaks clock over his head)

Mick keeps chowing away on his moonpie.

Styles says “Oh My God.”

Ad Break

Rita Cosby from MSNBC is here.

Triple H walks in the back and scares off some production dude. And – well, it’s the Big Show.

Big Show: There you go again – walking around like a tough guy. See how tough you are when it’s me across the ring.

Vince: Mr. Foley do you have anymore witnesses?

Mick: Yes, I have one final witness. Please say hello to Maria.

Maria is hot.

Mick: What we’d all like to know is what your honest….

Maria: Could you please ask me with Mr. Socko?

Mick with Mr. Socko: Maria – I’d like to know your honest opinion of Mr. Bischoff as general manager of Raw.

Maria: Last week Eric Bischoff abused his power in a way that was malicious and capricious. It was this rash discourse that has led to this locker room of disdain and mutiny and should be grounds for his immediate dismissal.

Hahahaha – brilliant! God, Maria is hot.

Coach wants to call one final witness, but Vince says they are going to adjourn and the proceeding will continue back in the arena for closing arguments.

Video montage of Randy Orton/Undertaker stuff.

Ad Break

Kurt Angle and Daiviri make their way down to the ring. The YOU SUCK chants are still being censored. That annoys the hell out of me.

**I Spit In The Face of People Who Don’t Want To Be Cool**

His tag team partner, Carlito.

**Ain’t No Stopping Me NOOOOOOOOOOOW**

Weighing in at 238 pounds, South Carolina’s own, Shelton Benjamin.

**Ooooh Oooooh Shaaawn**

His tag team partner, from San Antonio, Texas – the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels.

Match 5: Carlito and Kurt Angle vs. Shelton Benjamin and Shawn Michaels

Shelton Benjamin insists on starting the match up. Lockup with Carlito and Shelton locks the headlock in. Carlito sends Carlito off the ropes, but Shelton hangs onto the arm and locks in an armbar. Carlito fights out of it with an elbow. Shelton sends him to the mat with a right hand. Belly to belly suplex with the arms hooked. Right by Shelton sends Carlito into the corner. Tag to Kurt Angle. Angle with a single leg takedown works over the ankle of Shelton. Shelton pushes Angle off. Armdrag by Shelton. Clothesline now by Shelton. Carlito in the ring and Shelton drops him face first. German suplex, but Shelton lands on his feet. Spinning heel kick connects on Angle.

Ad Break (2:17)

Ad Break Ends (5:35)

Michaels and Carlito in the ring now. Michaels takes an elbow from Carlito and crumbles to the campus. Carlito stomps away on HBK. Carlito sends Michaels for the ride, but Michaels lands a swinging neckbreaker. Michaels looking for the tag – and he gets it! Shelton in with two quick clotheslines. Innovative backbreaker by Shelton gets a two count. Irish whip by Shelton, but Carlito hangs on to the ropes. Carlito tries to send Sheltont to the outside, but Shelton hangs on to the top rope and lands on the apron. Shelton on the outside is distracted by Daiviri, but Angle knocks him out. Carlito rolls Shelton back into the ring. Carlito pounds and stomps on Shelton. Tag to Angle. Angle with some rights to the face of Shelton. Shelton off the ropes and Angle lands an overhead belly to belly suplex. Angle tags in Carlito. Carlito pounding the shit out of Shelton – cover gets 2. Tag to Angle. Shelton chants. German by Angle gets two. Another cover gets another two. Waistlock by Angle. Angle slam attempt is countered by Shelton into a DDT. Shelton looking for a tag. And he gets it. Irish whip by Shawn reversed b y Carlito – FLYING BURRITO! KIP UP! Inverted atomic drop. Two clotheslines by Shawn. Scoop slam by Michaels. Right hand by HBK sends Angle to the floor. Michaels to the outsid eand to the top rope. ELBOW DROP! Tune up the band – 1….2…..3….4…..5…..Shelton tags himself in. What the hell? Shelton to the top rope and he misses the cross body. Carlito rolls him up and that’s all.

WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Carlito (11:40)

Shawn goes over to Shelton and asks him what the hell he was doing. Shawn extends the hand to Shelton to help him up, but Shelton refuses it. Shelton shoves Michaels in the face. Shelton slides out of the ring and heads to the back.

Vince appears from a limousine with daughter Stephanie. I love her. Triple H appears and he tells Vine he wants a second of his time.

Triple H: Maybe you should hear from your number one guy in this company. I think Eric Bischoff should stay. I’d rather deal with the devil I know rather than the devil I don’t know. If you think about it Vince he really doesn’t do a bad job.

: The only reason you want Bischoff is because you can manipulate him. Excuse me – Triple H. This is Stephanie. Stephanie this is Triple H.

They stare each other down with smirks on their face as we go to break.

Ad Break

Vince: The trial of Eric Bischoff will come to end after these closing arguments.

Foley: I will keep this short and sweet. Eric Bischoff has abused his power for too long. You’ve got the truck. For the love of God – let’s use it. Your honor it is time to take out the trash.

Vince: Mr. Coachman?

Coach: Thank you very much.

Bischoff takes the microphone from Coach.

Bischoff: At this point I think I should represent myself. Vince you may consider my tenure here as GM some kind of a joke. But I don’t. I mean – it’s true I’ve done some horrible things. Some of them to members of your own family. But Vince you told me before I came here that controversy creates cash. You can’t deny I’ve created a ton of both. Now it’s true, I don’t give a damn about these people – but I do care about their money. And Vince I’ve proven time and time and time again that Eric Bischoff knows how t separate these people from their cash. You want proof – I’ll give you proof. Two words: Elimination Chamber. Think about it – it’s spiked PPV buyrates. Licensing and merchandising. I’m still the general manager of Raw – I say we have the Elimination Chamber headline the next Raw pay-per-view. Think about it – an Elimination Chamber match for the WWE Title. And you know it will sell. Now Vince, you and I deep down inside – we’re a lot alike. It’s true. Maybe we’re both hated in this industry. But more importantly – we’re both respected. We overcome obstacles. We get things done, Vince. So Vince what do you say. Please, let me keep my job as General Manager of Raw. Together – you and I will make a fortune.

Vince: You’ve made some really good points. Certainly I’ll have to take those under consideration no doubt about that….

**John Cena’s music hits**

The Champ is here!!! John Cena makes his way to the ring with the belt and a microphone in hand.

Cena: Relax everybody! (Cena chants) Mr. McMahon, your honor, Judge McMahon – I’m not out here to tell you what I think about Eric Bischoff. Everybody already knows I think he’s a jackoff. I’m out here because Eric Bischoff claims he’s a great man. Well this great man has taken away the best part of Monday Night Raw. For example, when Kurt Angle comes down to this ring Eric Bischoff is backstage with his finger on a button and he bleaps out the fans when they say “YOU SUCK” because Eric Bischoff doesn’t like it. Eric Bischoff is trying to say that he and you are alike. You’re a pioneer for speech – you say what you want and do what you want – hell you dress up in a robe and you look ridiculous, but I’m loving it. And Eric Bischoff is a pioneer of censorship. Allow me to get my Perry Mason on and introduce you to 10,000 surprised witnesses. You may want to listen to this. Should Eric Bischoff remain the General Manager? (BOOOOs) Do you want to see Eric Bischoff get fired? (Cheers) Well, I think the people here have summed up your career in two letters. F…..U.

Vince: Well, uh, – alright I think I will take it to the people. How many of you would like to see the WWE Title defended in an Elimination Chamber? (mixed reviews) I guess – Eric, therefore at the next pay-per-view – New Year’s Revolution we will see the WWE Title defended in the Elimination Chamber. You will all see, I will see it; millions all over the world will see it. It’s just unfortunate Mr. Bischoff that you won’t. Eric Bischoff – YOU’RE FIIIREEEED!! Take out the trash.

Cena picks Bischoff up and gives him the F U! Vince helps Bischoff up and puts him in the garbage truck. McMahon takes the wheel of the garbage truck and takes off.

I actually enjoyed this show more than any other one in a long time. See ya next week!