Man Movie Encyclopedia: Missing In Action

What is good, my beautiful people.

Crazy enough, I don’t think I’ve ever covered any Chuck Norris films, so settle in, cause we’re just starting on a Chuck-A-Thon, baby!

We open up in the jungles of Vietnam, where things are getting blown to shit with mortar shells, and Braddock [Chuck] is leading his platoon, lookin’ out for charlies! They’re running from an advancing Vietcong force, trying to get to the choppers and get the hell out of dodge. Legit, Braddock just points his gun at people and they die. Honestly, dude is so burly he probably fills his gun with blanks just to give’em a chance. Well, at one point 2 of his buddies are killed, causing him to lose it, pop two grenades and kamikaze into the frey. At this point he wakes up, as it was all a dream. In reality he appears to just live in a shitty rambler some where in California. Hope it’s at least rent control.
We then get another Vietnam flash back, of when Braddock was a prisoner, and being marched through live battle grounds. There’s a conference going on in Vietnam to discuss the possibilities of American prisoners still being held in there. Braddock originally wasn’t going to go, but after front kicking his TV and causing it to explode, he’s decided he will. Once there, he refuses to shake hands with any charlies, and everyone is like “bruh, what’s the deal?”. One of their escorts is a dude who ran one of the POW camps that Braddock was held and tortured at. As we see in random flashbacks. Seriously, how would that type of meeting go?

Former Evil General: Oh….hey.
Soldier: Yeah….hey.
FEG: Dude…I, uh…my bad, man. You know, everyone is throwing dudes in pig-shit, you know, and this girl I liked was dating the dude who forced guys to play Russian Roulette, and I thought if I could brag about throwing you in pig-shit and cutting you with a knife while screaming “Nee deeg now!” a bunch in your face I could get laid. I kinda feel like a dick, now.

Once we get to the conference, it’s an ambush, as Vietnam villagers are brought out, and they claim they were witness to war crimes committed by Braddock, which we know to be nonsense, he’s Superman with a beard! He leaves the conference after reminding the dude in charge that in Vietnam he had a $20,000 bounty on his head for killing assholes like him. Shit, man, can you even really call yourself a man if you’ve never had a bounty on your head? Later that night he attends a swanky party, probably just to show up so pissed and drunk that he beats Vietcong to death with a flease blanket. Shit, one dude almost gets his ass beat for damn near pouring Braddock’s beer into a glass instead of just giving him the bottle. There’s also a chick along for the trip, along with some diplomats. The chick, naturally, wants Braddock, so she invites him over for a drink later that night. Naturally though, he’s just using it as a cover so he can dress in black and go snooping around places. She’s pissed, cause she thought she was gonna get some of that BradDICK. But nah, he’s got man shit to take care of.
I have no idea where he’s at. It’s a big ol’ mansion with military guards. We then see it’s the house of the main Vietcong official, who sleeps in a mosquito net. Braddock puts a knife to his throat and demands he tell him where they’re keeping the other American POWs, information the guy readily gives up. He tries to kill Braddock, but unfortunately he’s a worse shot than Harry, and ends up getting a knife in the chest for his troubles. Braddock then escapes and heads back to the hotel. He sneaks back in, rips off the chicks top and is like “get them titties out, baby, otherwise they won’t believe I was here all night!

And, actually, we should be in the middle of you giving me a handy, just to really seal the deal!”. Welp, the bad dude who use to torture Braddock tells him he leaves tomorrow, or he doesn’t leave at all.
Well, Braddock heads to Bangkok, looking for an old Army buddy named Jack Tucker. Along for his Bangkok trip are some dudes from Vietnam, looking to end his adventure. One of them poses as a cab driver, and tries to shoot Braddock while he’s driving and Braddock’s sitting right behind him. I mean, how the hell would that work, in any sort of quick capacity? Is he counting on Braddock having the world’s WORST reflexes? Well, no surprise, he dies. Braddock finds Jack, and pays him $1000 to rent his boat in order to get into Vietnam. After that they read up supplies, like a raft, rifles, ammo, and even a freaking helicopter.

He gets back to his hotel, and one of the Vietcong assassins leaps out of his closet with a knife, before getting his ass kicked and thrown out of a window. Braddock then looks across the way into the buildings across the street and sees the evil General, with the other assassin, who has a rocket launcher, and they blow the place to hell. Which, of course, makes me wonder why no one raised their hand and said “Huh, how about instead of the knife thing, since this dude is all about hand-to-hand, why don’t we just launch the rocket into his room while he’s taking a power nap? I mean, call me a silly Billy, but I feel like bazookas are a Plan A sorta thing, not a Plan B”
While driving the boat, the evil General sneaks aboard, and attempts to take out Braddock with an axe. They have a mini-fight, ends with the general getting an axe maul in his chest. It’s weird that they did this. It’s legit like if half way through Star Wars, Luke killed Vader kind of clumsily and shit just went on.
Anyway, he creeps into the camp at night, and starts setting explosives. One thing that strikes me, is that it’s the early 80s. Vietnam, the war, ended a decade prior. Yet the camps look the same. I gotta tell ya, if Caliber was a Vietcong, he’d have spoken up at the weekly staff meeting

VietCaliber: Uh, hey. Look, OK, I get it, we’re communists and hooray for fascism and such. You know me, I’m the Anti-Ferris-Beuller, I love me some “ism’s” . However, what I don’t love, is bamboo. Amirite?! I mean, c’mon, guys, can’t we ask Hochi Min, or Hirohito, or whoever else is in charge if we can increase our camp budget from a cool $1 a month? I get it, we gotta stay here at this camp and hold these Americans prisoner because freedom is bad or whatever, but can’t we send that message while sleeping on some memory foam mattresses, or something? Not that I don’t LOVE my cot that was designed for a 2 year old or anything, but it’s getting a little old. We don’t even have AC! I’m sorry, did I miss the meeting where the higher-ups showed up and asked “Hey, so, you guys want AC?” and then everyone else answered “Nah! We love wearing full gear and torturing POWs in swelter, super humid atmosphere. The jungle setting makes it especially pleasant!” Did I miss that?! Is that why we don’t have AC? Because they think we’re INSANE or something? And ANOTHER THING, can we PLEASE change up the damn cuisine around here?! It’s bad enough I gotta get off my bamboo-bed, walk across my bamboo floor, down my bamboo steps, in my bamboo shoes, and head to the bamboo kitchen and eat rice. All we fucking eat is rice! I see you posted the new menu for the week over there, I haven’t had a look, but…hold on, I’m getting a vision…it’s…I’m sensing that tonight’s dinner will be…yes…it’s…RICE?! Right?! Jerry, get up and go check it….I don’t care if you don’t want to. Go check the menu. Go head. Oh, it said rice? It did?! I’m so shocked. Am I the Amazing Kreskin? Jerry, answer me that, am I the Amazing Kreskin?! All seer and fortune tellar? I’m not?! Then how’d I know it was gonna be rice?! Oh look, maintenance is here to fix the hole in my room that a freaking panther made, I wonder what they’re gonna fix it with, oh, IT’S BAMBOO! I’m so shocked!

Seriously, if you’re gonna ask people to commit war crimes and such, at least ask them to do it in a camp that’s not state of the art technology from 36BC.
Welp, the explosions go off, and Braddock proceeds to run around the camp, shooting any and all. He’s even got a grenade launcher that’s more far fetched than Rambo’s explosive arrows. He’s decimated the camp, however none of the Americans are there. A Vietcong soldier who was also a prisoner, explains that they were moved up the road, inland further. They see the convoy, and Braddock opens fire with his M2, and pretty much smokes everyone. At one point they even jump one of the trucks that drove into the water, and mid jump he throws a grenade into it! Fuck yeah! Drop Mt. Rushmore on’em too, ‘Murica! They get the 4 troops and head out just as bad guy reinforcements follow. I’ll tell you one thing, these POW look like they’ve been living in at least 3 star accommodations for the last decade. Like if it was a Motel 6 and they just didn’t have house keeping.

They keep chasing, and proving that the Vietcong have aim as bad as an Empire Stormtrooper. We get some heavy shoot-outs, as the Vietcong also get a boat in the water. Jack leaves the crew to hold the boat off, which in the end sees him and his 1st mate die, as the ship is blown up just as Braddock and the gang make off in a helicopter and head back to Saigon. It’s there, where the meeting is wrapping up about there being no MIA in Vietnam, but Braddock kicks in the door, arms full of POW and a bladder full and aiming at the Vietcong’s Wheaties, baby.

MAN MOVIE TALLY:
1-Liners: 0
Guys Beat Up: 10
Guys Killed: 55
Swear Words: 7
Boobies: 2
Explosions: 24
Chase: 3
Broken Bones: 0
Fight/Shoot-Out At Motel?: Yes
Guy Get Girl? No
Guy/Girl Smoke?: No

MAN FACTS:
This is was filmed after Missing In Action 2: The Beginning. However, when the peeps at Canon saw them, they realized this was far and away the better film, and that they’d kill the franchise if they released the original first. So, they flip flopped the releases.

C’MON BENNETT, LET’S PARTY!:
Missing In Action is a fun movie, but it doesn’t break any new ground in terms of action movies, or have anything that really stands out. Which is why it never reached the heights of Rambo: First Blood Part 2, Terminator, Predator, Robocop, or Bloodsport. For me, I find Chuck works best when he’s kicking ass, not shooting everyone. He doesn’t do much ass beating in this film, which is a bummer. However, he does look pretty cool, mobbing in the jungles and blowing shit up. It’s a cool movie, but doesn’t blow me away.
***1/4 Head-Butts out of 5

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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