games / Columns

4 Most Frustrating Moments In NES History

June 21, 2017 | Posted by Caliber Winfield

Greetings, all.
This is one of those weeks where your boy just wasn’t feeling the movie talk, so I thought we’d throw it back to the days of the NES, and I’d vent what are without a doubt, the most frustraiing experiences I ever had with that damn system. That goddamn system.

For my generation, guys my age, there’s one word that brings us all together. Doesn’t matter how different people are. Doesn’t matter the race, creed, job, style, of said people. When they get together, if someone says Nintendo, then they immediately become kindred spirits and best friends. Nintendo defined an entire generation. Anything Nintendo could slap their logo on, or put their characters into, they would. We had cereal, cartoons, bean-bag chairs, t-shirts, pajamas, and of course the fantastic live action movies. For some reason, current video game companies just haven’t reached that APEX. In my day, you HAD to have a NES/SNES. You had to. These days, there’s no Halo cereal, there’s no retired pro-wrestling manager dressing up as a guy from Call of Duty.
That being said, there were a ton of absolutely fucking frustrating moments both inside & outside the games, and I’m going to discuss them here. I’m looking forward to the rage these memories bring that will cause me to do a Ryu Wastohattaduoken [circle kicks for like 10 feet] into a group of Straight Edge PETA supporters.

There’s no more a greater male bonding experience than going to war. The heat of battle. The thought, nay, the down-right know-how that at any given moment you’re going to catch an alien’s bullet right in your eye-ball. However, you can’t worry about that, because you’ve got your friend at your side, pouring sweat & blood as he dumps some Spread bullets into unwelcome aliens; women & children first.

So, then he dies. Now he’s got a normal gun, just like you. Then BOOM! there’s another Spray Gun icon, and you jump over to gra—COCKSUCKER! The man you trusted to have your pixelated back is a greedy fucking-prick and keeps nabbing the Spray gun for himself! THE SPRAY IS THE BEST! STOP FUCKING TAKING IT!
Then what’s this asshole do? He dies, right, because he’s unable to handle what’s going on right now. He’s unable to handle the stress of an alien invasion. It’s alright, not everyone is equipped with the sac to handle shit. So, what’s he do? He fucking GANKS one of your lives! I’m over here, putting aliens in head-locks and bragging to them about my Camero or something, and you’re stealing my guys so you can show off your knowledge of Unicorns or something as those bomb-throwing aliens ruin your shit. The friends who stole your guys without asking are always the ones who grew up to be rapists. Universal fact.

It’s no secret that I’m a massive fan of Friday The 13th. I mean, I respect myself, and except others to, so naturally I’m a fan of the series. As a youngling, I couldn’t believe it when I saw the most bad-ass cover in NES history, the cover for Friday The 13th. It had the classic Kane Hodder pose from The New Blood, and scrawled on it were the words “Destroy Jason….if you can!”. Well, obviously this was going to be the most incredible game of my life. Children would be named after it. Statues & schools built in its honor.

I was going to be a burly camp counselor without a face, that would walk left or right but on the map go the opposite direction of what I was walking, and utilize incredible weapons such as a rock that went in an arc, and seemed to give Jason life as opposed to take it away, plus Jason would be dressed like a prop from Saved By The Bell, in a neon-jump suit, and would fight me like a Rock’Em Sock’Em Robot, an—-no, wait a minute, this game fucking sucks!
Friday The 13th is absolutely terrible. You have all these lame bad-guys, like zombies, and wolves, and Jason will appear on occasion, like he has other plans. This is Friday The 13TH! Not Thursday The 12th! WE WANT JASON!
The weapons you get are complete crap, and on top of that Jason is INDESTRUCTIBLE. He’s without a doubt the hardest villain in Nintendo history. I’m serious. The game makers thought ‘OK, we’re gonna make Jason appear as he would if he were a float in a Gay Pride Parade, and to make up for that, players won’t be able to kill him and that’ll frustrate them to the point that they kill someone with their NES so badly it’ll be considered vehicular homicide, and that doesn’t
even make sense’. I beat Jason ONCE, and I had to use my Game Genie. Honest to God, I don’t see how anyone could do it without. And what do you get? Jason slumped down against the wall like a drunk! I’m surprised they didn’t put stars over his head. Then you get the screen “You have finally managed to defeat Jason…But is he really dead? We’re not telling! End…” REALLY? We go through all that bullshit and you can’t even give us a definitive death?!

Kids growing up these days will only know wireless controllers. They won’t know about having to buy controller extenders, or trying to pull the system out further so you can sit on the sofa. Or, deal with what I had to deal with. In my youth I saw a commercial for what were known as the Dual Turbo Wireless SNES controllers. What?! Wireless?! That’s right! In the commercial you saw this kid flying around every where and playing his video game without skipping a beat! He was tethered to the machine no more! No longer a slave to the chord! This was something I had to have. I could see it now, I could sit upon my top bunk and play Mortal Kombat II! I could be in the living room and play Mario Kart even though I couldn’t see it! When my parents took me to the store I could still play it, it’s wireless! Had this been after puberty, I would have imagined just how laid I was going to get when the chicks saw I was rockin’ without a wire!  Then I got the damn things. They were a travesty! There was no running around as I pleased. There was no video gaming from my neighbor’s house, or the moon. I wasn’t going to get laid with this piece of crap. Hell, if a girl saw this piece of junk she’d probably file a sexual assault charge on me. You had to sit within like, 3 feet of the stupid thing for it to work. See, you plugged this little radar receiver into the control port and that’s how it worked. However, you had to point the controller DIRECTLY at the thing. The only way to guarantee uninterrupted game play was to glue the damn controller to the radar receiver.
That thing was a complete piece of shit. Thankfully though, The Super Scope 6 was right around the corner, and that thing was gonna be awesome, right?

If I were doing a list that encompassed my entire life’s worth of video gaming frustrations, number 1 would remain the same. If you had an NES, and were a fan of the Ninja Turtles, then you know that the game is one ridiculous motherfucker. Filled with impossible jumps, completely asinine & bizarre villains, and a difficulty level that sent most of us running for Rad Racer [it’s so bad]. However, there was one fucking level, one fucking level that goes down in the annals of history as the most frustrating, most gigantic fuck you to a generation of all time; the dam level.

See, the stupid dam had been rigged
to blow. And since you’re a ninja turtle, you’re obviously well versed in disarming complicated explosives. Seems simple enough, right? Except you’re underwater, and you can’t stand still, so you have to constantly tap buttons to hover, and the bombs have an electrical gate to them that flips on & off. When it’s off, you gotta swim through and deactivate the bomb. Not so fucking fast! Before you can get to the bomb you have to swim through a path of electric plants! .That’s right! If you don’t navigate this path perfectly, which is impossible because of the fucking buttons in the game where you tap A to float a little and instead shoot through he water like you’re Donatello Phelps or some bullshit, then you get shocked to shit. Oh, and you’re TIMED! So you have to navigate through this hell, swim through the electrical gate in front of the bombs, and on top of all of this….ON TOP OF THIS, when your health gets low you’re reminded with a squealing alarm, and your health is ALWAYS low because of those plants! And before you know it you’re so filled with frustrated rage that you’re 30 years old and running people off the road daily as a way to cope with the still bubbling anger! And as said person files off into a ditch, you hangout of the driver’s side window and yell “FUCKING PLANTS!” while shaking your fist.

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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