games / Columns

The Gaming Rs: Really Ridiculous pRedictions for 2018

January 6, 2018 | Posted by Stewart Lange

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Gaming Rs! First of all, I’d like to apologise for my unannounced two week absence. I totally lost track of time over Christmas and New Year, plus the fact that winter just utterly demotivates me meant that I just wasn’t even able to phone in a column. The other big issue is that over the holidays, traditionally there is very little in the way of gaming news or releases, so there wasn’t even anything exciting to talk about. In fact, there aren’t even many comments from last time to even pad things out with. It’s okay though, because to ease us all back into things, I figured this week, I’d make some Really Ridiculous pRedictions (you know, to keep with the theme of the column- clever, right?). Feel free to leave your own in the comments, go mad, have some fun with it.

Reader Feedback:

Last time, I talked about my own personal Game of the Year awards. I figured this might garner some comments, but it was just my very own faithful reader back with his views.

Crackhead_Bob: I really wish I could comment on GotY rankings, but I think the only things I played at/near launch this year were the Crash Bandicoot Trilogy and the Wipeout Collection. Both were great but I wouldn’t put them anywhere in GotY rankings as they’re remasters.

So I guess the best news for me is that I finally managed to curtail my spending on games until I put a dent in the old backlog. Which probably won’t be happening anytime soon. Hell I still have a copy of Mass Effect 2 for the 360 that hasn’t even had the shrink wrap removed yet.

I got the Wipeout collection for my long overlooked PS4, but it’s actually really fucking difficult. I’m looking forward to your 2018 rankings, maybe seeing Mass Effect 2 pipping System Shock or the Curse of Monkey Island to the number one spot.

And that was it! Very disappointing. There’s not much else to do other than get on with the show!

REMEMBER: These are tongue in cheek(ish) predictions for 2018. I have no reason to believe any of them will come true.

The Right:

The best thing to come out of 2018 will be the end of war. No, not Trump and Kim figuring out who has the biggest “button,” or peace across the Middle East, but the end of the console wars as Nintendo forces Microsoft and Sony to co-operate in a fully multi-platform version of the new Switch port of Fortnite Battle Royale. Because of this, developers suddenly drop all console exclusivity, with the only reason to pick one console over the other is how much you like the control pad. All across the internet, message boards and social media is full of people shaking hands virtually and putting everything they said about how the Playstation for for “pussies” behind them. E-Sports tournaments are still subject to heavy vetting, though, as nobody informed the Master Race of the new harmony in the gaming world, as the new GTX-4Ki-1080 graphical motherboard is launched meaning that Player Unknown: Battlegrounds becomes so graphically advanced that you actually feel real pain when you’re shot in the game. Because after all, why buy a console when you could put that money towards a PC? Otherwise, good news all round.


The wRong:

The micro-transactions scandal of 2017 was quickly forgotten and ignored as video game makers find new and remarkable ways to get extra money from your precious purses. Not content with taking away manuals from physical releases, all branded artwork is now an additional purchase for physical media. For $5, you can buy the inlay sleeve for your game, replacing the generic white card with the Times New Roman bold print across it. The biggest issue though is the new pay to play model adopted by Minecraft. With a new model in place that charges a quarter (thats 25 cents to any of you who aren’t bi-lingual like myself) for every brick placed, the Minecraft juggernaut becomes the highest grossing game of all time within 2 days, as the changes were hidden away in the depths of the terms and conditions of a software update. In a move that is only slightly more favourable than being turned into a Human Cent-iPad, the average 7 year olds Minecraft village suddenly costs his (their) unwitting parents their own home. With the money made, Mojave buy the actual Mojave desert and build a real life city, built from replica Minecraft bricks and the tears of parents longing for the good old days of FIFA Ultimate Team.


The Ridiculous:

In a huge, unprecedented deal, Microsoft announce that the Oculus Rift will be the compatible VR headset of the Xbox. Despite the unit costing $600 and only working on an Xbox One X, people go nuts for the news but don’t actually buy the device, because right on the stroke of the announcement that Microsoft are getting on the VR bandwagon, the medium died. Right on the back of motion controls and HD DVD, Virtual Reality doesn’t make it through 2018 despite the very best efforts of the adult entertainment industry. The issue with VR actually comes from the fact that the majority of people who are forced to wear glasses got over having to wear something on their face to watch the TV many, many years ago and well, it’s just a lot of effort for very littler reward. Microsoft continue to batter bundles of the One X, Oculus Rift and Fallout 4 VR for $1000. They only sell 6 of these bundles across the United States, but only because there’s too many public resources being drained by the war against North Korea.

In slightly lighter news, Bethesda announce Skyrim for Google Glass, giving new life to the forgotten gadget, making Skyrim the most released game of all time and the most bizarre public phenomenon since Pokemon Go.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed that. If you have any predictions of your own, feel free to share them below- help me out for next week! As always, see you all soon and DON’T BE A DICK!