Bellator NYC: When Too Much MSG Is Bad For Your Health

So, you want to be an Ultimate Fighter?

No? Well, would you be willing to accept being a Bellator fighter then? If you do, we’ll let you use your ass as a billboard to sell hot wings…

On Saturday night, Bellator presented the crown jewel of the empire it has been building since Scott Coker, former Strikeforce head honcho, took control of the promotion. He’s the man who took a company built around tournament based fighting as a way of determining title challengers and creating homegrown talent and decided to do away with all that because people will gladly watch Ken Shamrock attempt to retain whatever sad shred of dignity he still has left after all these years.

After 3 years of signing UFC castoffs and promoting fights between men who, at this point in their careers, should only be fighting over the last serving of applesauce at the retirement center, Bellator came full guns blazing for the first Payperview of the Coker era, entering New York for the most imaginatively named show in company history, Bellator: NYC.

Bringing the crown jewel of the empire to the Empire State? Sounds like a win to me.

It’s even more of a win if you like weird finishes, weirder decisions, and all the best aspects of the Wild West of MMA, as only the industry leaders of car wreck MMA can bring you.

Seriously, UFC, step your game up. Stop pretending like you still have integrity and/or care about the health of the sport. There’s dollas to be made.

I mean, just look at the top fight of the Bellator 180 TV card that led into the Payperview. In 2015, Ryan Bader edged out Phil Davis in a razor thin split decision where it was hard to determine a winner if only because it felt like nobody did anything.

Now fast forward to 2017, where Ryan Bader edged out Phil Davis in a razor thin split decision where it was hard to determine a winner if only because it felt like nobody did anything, except this time, we got 10 more minutes of nothing. Plus, now Bader can pretend like he accomplished something in this sport by becoming a Bellator champion.

Hey, remember when he was *this* close to being considered for a title shot against Daniel Cormier? I bet Ryan does. Every night. While softly weeping into his pillow. At least he now has a Bellator belt to wipe away the tears.

The fun carried over to the Payperview, where the most normal fight was probably the opener, the Welterweight Championship fight between Douglas Lima and Lorenz “Insert Warm Body Here” Larkin, although I wonder how many people stuck around for the rest of the show after watching a 25 minute fight where not a whole lot happened other than a brief knockdown in the second round.

It was a decent win for Lima, although part of me wonders if the judges gave rounds to him just because Larkin’s hair made it look like he’d already had half his head kicked off.

At least it was better looking than Zach Freeman’s corn rows…

Oh hey, do you know who Aaron Pico is? He’s only the greatest thing to happen to MMA since Sliced Kimbo.

He’s a junior Golden Gloves Champion. He’s competed and won world championships in wrestling and almost earned a spot on the 2016 Olympic team. He’s such a big deal that Bellator signed him to a contract before he was legally old enough to compete, no doubt wringing their hands together as they waited for the greatest athlete the sport has ever seen to arrive and take over.

Well, he arrived on Saturday night. He then left 24 seconds later, after getting caught with a punch and dragged to the ground in a nasty guillotine choke. If he’s the future of the sport, let’s enjoy today because tomorrow we are sooooo screwed…

At least Michael Chandler came to fight. Too bad the same couldn’t be said about his foot.

The Bellator Lightweight Champion, and one of the few true Bellator guys on the roster, ended up in the middle of the cage with undefeated prospect Brent Primus and found he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

411Mania: For all your foot based comedy needs.

It’s hard to say what exactly happened, as Brent landed a kick on Chandler and, when Chandler stepped forward, he appeared to have rolled his ankle. Michael stepped awkwardly on his leg a few times, including after rocking Primus with a stiff punch, before the ref paused the fight to inspect the injury. It almost seemed like the doctors were going to let it go before Michael literally fell on his ass after the stool he had been sitting on was taken out of the cage.

Seriously, if you’re looking for a GIF to sum up the night, that’s the one right there. I’m sure Chandler will get an immediate rematch against Primus. I mean, Chandler’s the one Bellator wants the belt on, right? Otherwise, he may be tempted to go to the UFC and actually make something with his career.

Then again, it hasn’t worked out too well for Will Brooks so far…

You can either sum up the night with that image or the image of Fedor Emelianenko and Matt Mitrione cracking each other in the jaw at the same time.

Seriously, how perfect would that have been to get a double knockout? We came so close, you guys. So close.

If we were hoping for some fireworks after waiting an extra four months to see Fedor make his US return and his Bellator debut, we sure got some, although not the kind Fedor was hoping for, taking the worst of the almost double KO. Mitrione, demonstrating why he’s called “Meathead,” shook the strike off and clobbered Fedor with a few punches on the ground before the fight was stopped, giving us a much needed victory against the Russians.

YEAH! TAKE THAT, PUTIN! WE GOT THE BETTER OF YOU FOR ONCE! YOU WANNA TAMPER WITH OUR ELECTION? FINE! THEN WE’LL TAMPER WITH FEDOR’S GREY MATTER! USA! USA! USA!

Wait a sec…he runs the country now, doesn’t he?

Uh oh. We’re in trouble.

It was a little disappointing that this trip to the US went as well as Fedor’s last trip to the US (Fun Fact: Dan Henderson wrecked Fedor’s shit 15 minutes from my parent’s house) but, in 2017, can anyone be surprised that Fedor got knocked out?

Seriously, the people who are shocked that Fedor got knocked out are probably the same people who are shocked that Chael Sonnen ended a blood feud by laying on his hated rival for the better part of 15 minutes.

What is with you people? Have none of you seen a Chael Sonnen fight before? He doesn’t fight people. He’s a wrestler. He takes you down, secures top position, and lands enough rabbit punches to the ribs to prevent a standup until the timekeeper finally wakes up. All wrestlers from 15 years ago do that. It’s not Chael’s fault Wanderlei Silva can’t defend against some of the most telegraphed double legs you will ever see in professional MMA.

It is definitely disappointing that years of insults and anger and drug suspensions and staged reality TV brawls led to such a piddling contest of who could sweat on the other the hardest but, hey, look on the bright side: Bellator could always book a rematch. That is, unless Coker is going to seriously consider Chael’s callout of Fedor.

Nice job, Mr. American Gangster, calling out a fighter who was unconscious on the canvas half an hour earlier.

Well, unless Chael thinks beating Fedor is the quickest way to get a cabinet position in the Trump administration. Just don’t make him the Secretary of Energy. I don’t think he has enough to be qualified for that…

So, of all the events Bellator could have presented for their first Payperview, they gave us the most Bellator event ever. Kudos to Coker for making the effort, even though anything less than half a million buys will probably be considered a failure for the majority of the MMA fanbase, but at least it reaffirms the notion the UFC isn’t the only player in town. They’re just the only player anyone is willing to throw money at or care about in any meaningful way.

Actually, that’s not true. No one’s going to pay money for UFC events either. Not after we get the inaugural main event of the Ultimate Conor Championship in August.

Start saving up now. It’s going to be an expensive end to the summer…

Evan Zivin has been writing for 411 MMA since May of 2013. Evan loves the sport, and likes to takes a lighthearted look at the world of MMA in his writing…usually.