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Killer Rack Review

September 17, 2015 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
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Killer Rack Review  

Killer Rack Review

Jessica Zwolak– Betty
Debbie Rochon– Dr. Thulu
Paul McGinnis– Tim
Michael Thurber– Mr. Raquel
Sam Qualiana– Dutch
Robert Bozek– Nurse Herbie East
Michael O’Hear– Bartles
Alexander S. McBryde– James
Brittani Hare– Sandrah Dee-Dee
Tim O’Hearn– Gearz
Julian Dickman– Tickbite
Lloyd Kaufman– Dr. Foin
Brooke Lewis– Killer Rack

Directed by Greg Lamberson
Screenplay by Paul McGinnis

Runtime– 90 minutes



Killer Rack, directed by Greg Lamberson, is a wicked and wild horror comedy that delivers on every level. And by “every level” I mean every goddamn level. It’s a perfect low budget romp that is nothing short of an instant classic.

The movie stars Jessica Zwolak as Betty, a woman who believes that her life is in shambles because she has small breasts. Her boyfriend (Dutch, played by Sam Qualiana) doesn’t enjoy being around her, her boss (Mr. Raquel, played by Michael Thurber) doesn’t respect her (most of her co-workers don’t like her, either), and random strangers simply dismiss her (the weirdoes on the street corner absolutely refuse to make sexist comments about her). After watching a hilariously weird commercial from local plastic surgeon Dr. Thulu (the immortal Debbie Rochon) and suffering through multiple life setbacks, Betty decides to go see Thulu for possible breast implants. As soon as she walks into Thulu’s office, though, Betty immediately loses confidence in her breast implant idea as Dr. Thulu is a belligerent weirdo, and her assistant Herbie East (Robert Bozek) is an indifferent weirdo (he hates being a nurse at a demonic plastic surgery clinic). What the hell is wrong with these people? All Betty wants to do is find out about breast implants. Why does she have to strip down in the waiting room? The waiting room? And who the hell are the “dark ones?” Maybe she doesn’t need to get breast implants.

So then some stuff happens, Betty lives through a hilarious (not to mention catchy) musical interlude, has multiple dreams, and decides that her original plan was the correct one: she needs breast implants. Betty goes back to see Thulu and gets the surgery. After the surgery, almost immediately, people treat Betty differently (meaning better). She gets a promotion. Scumbags on the street leer at her. And Dutch is suddenly all about having sex with her. It’s everything she always wanted.

Well, almost everything she always wanted. Little does Betty know that her new breasts aren’t just run of the mill implants that anyone with money or insurance can purchase. No, Betty’s breasts are something else, something deadly, something supremely evil. They’re monsters.

Hungry, nasty, demonic monsters that want to eat, kill, destroy, and, eventually, rule the world.

What the hell is Betty going to do? What can she do? They’re her breasts!

One of the great things about Killer Rack is that it knows that it’s ridiculous but it never degenerates into smarminess or mean-spiritedness. It loves being ridiculous and wants you to join in on the fun and revel in all of the absurdity. Even when it gets bloody (and it does get very bloody) it’s hilarious. Yes, people are getting chewed up and brutally destroyed but it’s all in good fun. And while there are plenty of horror movie nerd in-jokes you don’t really need to be a horror movie nerd to laugh at the jokes. Screenwriter Paul McGinnis, who also plays Betty’s best friend and potential love interest Tim, put together a brilliant screenplay that never misses a beat and refuses to fail. And director Lamberson, despite working with a small budget, knows how to maximize every scene and performance and special effect to make the movie seem larger than it actually is. You’ll forget after about five minutes that you’re watching a “micro budget” feature and you’ll realize that you’re watching a modern day horror comedy classic. It really is that damn good.

The performances are all amazing. Jessica Zwolak is simply perfect as Betty. You like her as soon as you see her and you root for her to succeed even though you know that her breast implant scheme isn’t going to work out quite the way she wants it to. She’s sweet and smart and you can’t take your eyes off of her. McGinnis is also perfect as Tim. He’s sweet and kind and sort of goofy and you just want him to openly freaking admit that he really, really, really likes Betty. I think you’ll like how things turn out for him.

Sam Qualiana is king of the douchebags as Dutch. He’s rude and crude and just an asshole to Betty and you can’t stand him. There isn’t one redeeming quality about Dutch, and it’s refreshing to see someone fully embrace being awful. The same goes for Michael Thurber as Betty’s boss Mr. Raquel. He’s just the worst kind of boss. And his big moment towards the end of the movie, when he reveals his true colors, will make you squirm with indignation and howl with laughter (that’s what happened to me). And Tim O’Hearn and Julian Dickman are awesome as street corner scumbags Gearz and Tickbite. They deserve exactly what they get.

Debbie Rochon does her usual great job as the wacked out plastic surgeon Dr. Thulu. Rochon knows how to make a clearly unhinged wacko funny and kind of scary at the same time. The commercial she stars in will live on forever on youtube. And Robert Bozek’s Herbie East is one of the best indifferent assistants you’re likely to see in any kind of comedy. Great stuff.

And then there’s Michael O’Hear and Alexander S. McBryde as Bartles and James, two detectives investigating the numerous strange and bloody murders in Buffalo. O’Hear and McBryde have tremendous chemistry and know how to make their ridiculous dialogue work. Every scene they’re in is a laugh riot, and I can easily see Bartles and James in their own movie, or perhaps in some sort of TV or internet series, investigating every weird crime in Buffalo. There are probably other Thulu types in the city.

The movie’s soundtrack is also top notch featuring catchy as hell songs that will stick in your head hours after hearing them. A Killer Rack soundtrack CD is something the world needs. Where else are you going to hear the Lloyd Kaufman, who appears in the movie as Betty’s therapist Dr. Foin, sing about “fun bags?”

Killer Rack recently won Best Feature at the Scare-A-Con Film Festival, where it also had its world premiere. The movie will no doubt rack up (ha) more festival awards around the world, and with good reason. It’s a perfect horror comedy, something you rarely ever see. It deserves endless accolades and, once it’s released into the world full force on DVD and whatnot, a massive audience. If Killer Rack isn’t fully embraced by the horror movie nerd community, there’s something seriously wrong with the horror movie nerd community. Seriously.

See Killer Rack. See it, see it, goddamn see it. If it’s playing at a film festival or convention near you make the effort to see it, and when it hits home video pick it up immediately. Killer Rack is an absolute must see.

Again, see Killer Rack. See it, see it, see it.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: At least 10.

Explosions: None.

Nudity?: Absolutely.

Doobage: Multiple boob growth charts, hilariously mean-spirited door graffiti, an awesome TV commercial, nice thighs, a terrifying pep talk, multiple boob drawings, gigantic new boobs, a breast competition, bloody hand removal, sleepwalking, blood fountain man boobs, dance club hooey, lesbian hot tub action, a great face smothering bit, multiple breast fondles, roofies, head removal, face melting, multiple bloody attacks, titty tentacles, neck snapping, bullet eating, bloody body part removal, a hilarious monster reveal, an underwire bra, and a different kind of boob fondling.

Kim Richards?: None.

Gratuitous: Buffalo, New York, Debbie Rochon, Cemetery Dance magazine, unseen monsters in boxes, Lloyd Kaufman, multiple catchy tunes, 1989 Batman homage, police drawing their guns on a turtle, cops playing Russian roulette, psychic gypsy bullshit, Roy Frumkes, Street Trash on a garbage can, and one of the greatest mid-credit sequences of all time.

Best lines: “We lost another one,” “Hey, that’s not nice! I’m going to have boobs when I grow up and you guys are never going to have girlfriends,” “It’s never too early for puppets!,” “If you don’t want to look like doodoo call Thulu!,” “Well, for what it’s worth I was totally seduced,” “For the sake of the Dark One will you just take it off already?,” “Say it! Say I make you ache with desire!,” “Damn this center of gravity,” “You really are a crappy boyfriend,” “This is all your fault, bitch!,” “Don’t worry about the blood. It comes with the ulcer,” “Is heaven missing an angel because I really want to do you,” “My vagina is not ticklish!,” “Okay! I am seriously beginning to doubt your credentials,” “Mr. Titanic is the first to go down in the new world order!,” “Boob smash!,” “Take him! I’m too pretty to die!,” “What’s up, man? Boobs!,” “Freeze! Put your breasts up in the air where I can see them!,” “A bra? You seek to stop me with a bra?,” and “Eww, that’s what silicone tastes like?”

The final score: review Virtually Perfect
The 411
Killer Rack is an instant classic, a wild and wicked horror comedy that fires on all cylinders and delivers throughout its 90 minute runtime. It’s perfect on damn near every level: direction, writing, cast, performances, music. It’s a movie that needs to be seen, embraced, and celebrated. If it’s playing near you at some convention or festival you need to make an effort to see it. You just have to. It’s a moral imperative. Killer Rack is brilliant. Period.