Movies & TV / Columns

Man Movie Encyclopedia: Snatch

May 3, 2019 | Posted by Caliber Winfield
Snatch Brad Pitt

Greetings, all!

I know it’s been a minute, but after doing this article series for going on 3 years, I’m kinda running short on movies I want to cover. So if I space it out, then I’ll always look forward to doing on. Because when I have to force myself to write these, especially about movies I don’t much care for, well, then I’d rather be eaten by pigs.

Also, you guys know you can catch me every week with the Mount Rushmore articles in the wrestling section.

This week I went with one of my all time favorites, a movie that my best friends and I about 15 years ago would recite to each other endlessly. To the point I literally said “dags” instead of “dogs” for years, without intention. They don’t make’em like this anymore, sadly. If anyone has any reckos about films silmilar to this, hollar at cha’ boy.

Alright, on with the show…


We open up with Turkish and Tommy, two cats in England that are homies since forever. Turkish is a boxing promoter, Tommy is his homie. What do they know about diamonds?


We then head to what I believe is a diamond exchange. We see 4 Hesiodic Jews, but they aren’t, really. They’re there to rob the place. They get a ton of small diamonds, and one giant rock. After that, they head out to their escape van and from that point we meet the cast of the movie.
Man, fuck, there’s a lot I have to recap. OK, so Turkish is in the underground boxing community. When you work in that world, you have to deal with a cat named Bricktop, who’s a brutal gangster that likes to feed dudes to pigs. Then we have Boris the Blade, who’s a Russian gangster that’s very hard to kill. He sets up Frankie 4 Fingers, who was the dude that robbed the diamond exchange earlier, with a gun, but also has plans to rob him. He told him to go make a bet for him, which he can’t do due to debts.


Meanwhile, Tommy and the boxer Gorgeous George, have to go get a new camper. They get them from gypsies, one of which is played by Brad Pitt. His name is Mickey. They call’em pikies. Well, they get a fucked deal with a shitty caravan, and to settle things, Mickey fights Gorgeous George. Mickey takes some shots that would honestly probably kill someone, and then with one punch he damn near kills George himself. Turns out he’s a former Gypsy Bareknuckle Boxing champion. Harder than a coffin nail.
So, Boris heads to a pawn shop, and hired a couple cats to rob the bookie office. when Frankie is there, to nab the diamond. The other two hire a cat named Tyrone, who’s quite heavy set. They go to park outside the bookie office, and Tyrone, the heavyset dude, backs into the van that Frankie was in, knocking him out. He said he didn’t see the van.


Elsewhere, Turkish has to tell Bricktop that he’s changing the fighter, which means now his guy goes down in the 4th round. They hire Mickey to do it, and he says he’ll do it for a caravan. For his ma.
OK, look, I’m gonna be using the terms “elsewhere” and “meanwhile” A LOT, because they jump back and forth and inbetween everything in the world.
Meanwhile, the cats attempt to rob the bookie, but all bets are off, so there’s no cash. They get nothing. On the way out Tyrone starts to drive, but Frankie gets out of the van finally. At which point Tyrone clubs him in the back of the head, and puts him in the car because the briefcase is handcuffed to him. Which, I gotta say, what happened to that? Growing up, every other episode of every drama on TV involved either quicksand or a briefcase being handcuffed to someone. I’m telling you, if I got something important, I’m not gonna do that. Might as well wear a sign that says “I HAVE SOMETHING SUPER IMPORTANT AND VALUABLE THAT YOU’D PROBALY KILL A PERSON FOR”. This was always hilarious to me, and no one ever caught it. Tyrone couldn’t see the GIANT van that was right behind him, but he can see Frankie is missing half a finger, from 20ft away, in the dark, via a rearview mirror. Brilliant.
At the fight, they explicitly tell Mickey he has to go down in the 4th. He says OK. The fight starts, and he immediately knocks the guy out. Greatly upsetting Bricktop.
Back at the pawnstore with the cats who robbed the bookie, Boris shows up and kills Frankie, then chops his damn arm off in order to take the briefcase with him.
Back at Turkish’s place, he plans on getting cash and fleeing the scene. However, Bricktop is there already. And he’s fucking hysterical. So, he wants to use Mickey again, in a bareknuckle fight. But he INSISTS this time he goes down. Well, Turkish agrees, of course, and goes to see Mick. They end up making a bet that Turkish loses, so now he has to buy Mick’s mom a new caravan and Mick ain’t doing the fight.
Elsewhere, Bricktop has his boys find Tyrone, who gives up his buddies that robbed the bookie. Bricktop heads there, and before he can kill them, they promise to get him that stone. Brick then decides to set Mickey’s mom’s caravan on fire, while she’s still asleep inside as punishment, and to send a message that he better play along next time. Mick agrees because he says he doesn’t want any more bloodshed.


Meanwhile, the cats who have been waiting for Frankie to show up decide to hire a cat named Bullet Tooth Tony, a super bad ass. They end up having a run in with Boris, and get back the diamond. They all end up in a massive car crash, with Boris getting out of the trunk and getting hit by a car. This prompts him to head back home and get an assault rifle. He attempts to get the diamond, but the crew from the pawn shop ends up snagging it, and Boris finally dies after 7 shots from a .50 Desert Eagle, thanks to Bullet Tooth Tony. Him and Avey, the guy who’s been chasing Frankie and the diamond, catch back up with the pawnshop boys. At one point one of the pawn guy’s dog eats the diamond and attempts to run, so Avey blasts randomly with Tony’s gun, and accidentally kills him. Which is funny, as he was a dude of legend for taking 6 shots point blank and survived.

OK, so it’s fight night. Micky takes a beating, but in the 4th, he knocks the dude’s block off. It’s here we discover that Mickey had a plan all along. His men ambushed all of Bricktop’s men, killing every last one of them, Brick included. The next day when Turkish and Tommy head to the camp site to see if Micky would be interested in fighting for them, the whole camp site is gone. Cops show up to ask what they’re doing there, and at the last minute they see the dog that ate the diamond, and said they’re just taking the dog for a walk. Fast forward, they took the dog to the vet and found the diamond, which leads them back to the dudes who’d been chasing down Frankie since the beginning of the movie. The end.

1-Liners: 1
Guys Beat Up: 5
Guys Killed: 2
Swear Words: 128
Boobies: 4
Explosions: 0
Chase: 1
Broken Bones: 0
Fight/Shoot-Out At Motel?: No
Guy Get Girl? No
Guy/Girl Smoke?: No

Pitt loved Lock & Stock so much that he approached Guy and asked to be in this film. He apparently had trouble with a British accent, so he was Micky. I mean, I can’t imagine anyone else doing a better job.

When Bullet Tooth Tony approaches the car and taps on the window with his gun, it’s actually a look-a-like. Vinnie Jones couldn’t make filming that day because he’d been arrested the night before for fighting. Hell yeah.

When Sol blasts the shotgun at the bookie, you see him wince, as the kick back nailed him in the junk. That legit happened, but he kept going, so they left it in.

Originally Sean Connery was suppose to play Brick-Top, but they couldn’t afford him, or at least that’s what they said. Which is good, because he wouldn’t have had that menace that Alan Ford did.

I really already gave my over-all review at the top. Snatch is a funny, fantastically paced, clever, exciting movie with top notch direction, editing, acting, music, action, and everything else in between. The dialogue and wit in this movie is on par with any of the all time greats. It’s fucking hysterical. It’s also funny seeing Statham as a normal dude. You see him confronted with Bricktop’s thugs and you think “Pssh, there’s only like 6 dudes here. C’mon, do a Transporter jumping side-kick or something!”. But it is nice that Statham really gets to show his acting chops and comedic timing. Also, the man doesn’t age. Bottom line, Snatch is as flawless as the diamond they’re all chasing.
***** Head-Butts out of 5

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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