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Massacre on Aisle 12 Review

November 12, 2016 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
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Massacre on Aisle 12 Review  

Massacre on Aisle 12 Review

Michael Buonomo– Dave
Chad Ridgely– Jack
Jim Klock– Otto
Doug Burch– Mr. Kipper
Aikido Burgess– Black Jack
Melissa Saint-Amand– Tara
Mike Capozzi– Pharms
William Mark McCullough– Santa
Amber Jean– Barbie
Anthony Paderewski– Mitch
John Geoffrey Wilson– Joey

Directed by Jim Klock and William Mark McCullough
Screenplay by A.J. Via and Chad Ridgely

Produced by Full Auto Films and Code 3 Films

Runtime– 80 minutes



The B-movie horror comedy is one of the hardest genre exercises to pull off. More than any other kind of genre flick, the B-movie horror comedy must fire on all cylinders for the entirety of its runtime. The B-movie horror comedy cannot slow down or slack off for one second. If one joke misses, if one moment of suspense or gore doesn’t hit quite right, the entire movie can be instantly derailed. Massacre on Aisle 12, directed by Jim Klock and William Mark McCullough, is one of the few recent B-movie horror comedies that manages to succeed on every level. There isn’t a wasted moment, an unfunny joke, or bit of horror movie hooey that doesn’t rock. In short, it is B-movie horror comedy perfection.

Massacre on Aisle 12 stars Michael Buonomo as Dave, the newest employee of the wacked out Mr. Beaver’s hardware store. His first night on the job, which happens to be Christmas Eve, has Dave first learning the ropes from the hilariously disgruntled assistant manager Jack (Chad Ridgely) and then trying to survive the night after a dead body and a bag full of money are found in a large metal box. Dave’s fellow employees, the hilariously needy drug addict Tara (Melissa Saint-Amand), black guy Black Jack (Aikido Burgess), Jewish weirdo Pharms (Mike Capozzi), and mega ex-soldier Otto (Jim Klock), along with the store Santa (William Mark McCullough) and hot elf Barbie (Amber Jean) all have plans for the newfound money as some want to keep it and some want to leave it alone and call the police. When the group begins to argue about what to do, sleazebag store manager Mr. Kipper (Doug Burch) intervenes and takes they money for himself. At the same time, people inside the hardware store start dying and no one seems to know who the killer is. Is it one of the group? Is it an outside force? Just what the heck is going on here?

The first third of the movie or so is spent getting to know the various characters and the hardware store itself. Every character has his or her own quirks, and the store is a somewhat seedy and dingy place. The sales floor seems both cramped and expansive at the same time, and it’s amazing to think that there’s a special employee hideout where Jack and others go to smoke pot and mellow out in the middle of their shifts. We get to see portions of employee interviews that are so wrong they’re absolutely right (Otto’s interview is a profanity laced highlight, and Tara’s Xanax story will cause you to bust a gut laughing), and we see just how skeevy the store manager really is (no one in their right mind would work for the guy). We also get to see Jack in all of his wacked out glory. The man is a total menace, but at the same time you feel his life’s frustration in every “inappropriate” joke or comment. You can’t hate the guy. In fact, you can’t hate any of the characters, even the douchebag Santa (no one in their right mind would hire this store Santa as a store Santa, even as a joke). The middle part of the movie is devoted to the characters taking sides and escalating the issues at hand: what should they do with the money, and who the hell is the killer? There’s also a question of where they money came from in the first place. Who is the dead guy in the box?

Usually, most B-movie horror comedies start to seriously peter out towards the end (jokes tend to fall flat, which is never a good thing in a comedy) Massacre on Aisle 12 doesn’t peter out at the end. In fact, Massacre on Aisle 12 manages to remain steady and true and end on an amazing high note.

Now, the humor present in Massacre on Aisle 12 is not for everyone. The movie is chock full of jokes and moments that some will consider to be racist or homophobic or just out and out offensive. However, since the movie makes an effort to be consistently offensive throughout its tight 80 minute runtime, it’s hard to get upset with anything the characters say or do. It’s all very honest (Jack and Black Jack should have a nice clip life on YouTube once the movie is unleashed upon the world). And, really, sometimes it’s fun to participate in a cinematic experience that revels in being gleefully offensive.

The gore gags and special effects are of the practical variety and are fun and, at times, disgusting. One of the best practical gore moments involves a drill through the back of the head. And watch what happens to the character Otto. It’s all quite disturbing.

The cast is perfect. Everyone involved does exceptional work, but who stands out? You will remember Chad Ridgely as Jack. He’s so wacked out and crazy but, at the same time, controlled that you’ll wonder how anyone on the set kept a straight face when acting alongside him. Aikido Burgess is amazing as Black Jack, who ends up being the voice of reason for most of the movie. His comebacks are pure joy to watch. Co-director Jim Klock’s Otto is a character that you will quote over and over again once you see the movie a few times (you could almost say that Klock’s Otto is the movie’s Ron Burgundy in terms of quotable moments). And Doug Burch’s Mr. Kipper, while a kind of stereotype, is a great example of what an actor can do when he or she is completely committed to the part, regardless of the character’s traits. Overall, though, again, everyone involved does great work and it’s a pleasure to watch them march through the story trying to figure out what the heck is really going on.

Massacre on Aisle 12 is pure B-movie horror comedy gold. It’s an absolute must see for every horror and comedy nerd out there reading this. You will laugh, laugh, cringe, and then laugh some more.

See Massacre on Aisle 12. Easily one of the best movies of 2016. See it, see it, goddamn see it!

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: 8

Explosions: One.

Nudity?: Yes.

Doobage: A guy covered in blood and carrying what appears to be a hedge trimmer, baseball bat hooey, vending machine hooey, multiple funny toilet stories, a hydraulic crane, a hidden room, cell phone confiscation, a heavy red metal box, screaming, a bag of money, face punching, crossbow hooey, crossbow arrow to the gut, drill through the back of the head, hydrochloric acid, bullet to the head, screwdriver to the chest, paint can to the head, a hilarious gay panic dream, air duct hooey, one of the grossest sex scenes in low budget movie history, knife to the leg, a deadly fall, chainsaw hooey, a deadly pastry, wooden beaver through the chest, and a great “Where are they now?” ending.

Kim Richards?: None.

Gratuitous: A deliberately inept local newscast, attempted apple fritter, a douchebag Santa and a hot elf, a black guy that doesn’t want to lift a heavy box, a disgruntled ex-soldier, marijuana, a bag of money, mild racism, mild homophobia, dye pack, a very uncomfortable body measurement scene, mystery, attempted sledgehammer, an obvious falling dummy, and a great “Where are they now?” ending.

Best lines: “Welcome to Mr. Beaver’s,” “Don’t be a bitch, Tara,” “I’m sorry, did you say that she has a chick problem with her wah-wah? What does that mean?,” “I’d like to give her a kiss under her camel toe,” “Oh my God, dude, how gay was that?,” “Sorry, Bucky,” “He has sex? With underage boys? Here?,” “Dave, you’re so tense,” “I think he’s dead, Mr. Kipper,” “Hey! You do not laugh at the assistant manager!,” “Stupid assistant fucking retard!,” “If the black guy ain’t stealing it, no one is stealing it,” “Sir, the infidels are already plotting,” “Jack, are you on drugs?,” “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry fucking Christmas!,” “That is going to be one messy workman’s comp claim,” “I’m appalled. No, you’re a closet homo,” “Who the fuck steals on Christmas Eve?,” “How come nobody listens to me?,” “No refills,” “My first day of work and already another dead person,” “What the fuck did I ever do to you, cocksucker?,” “My name is Jackson Porter bitch!,” “What are you doing? Ii was just trying to see if I could shoot you through the wall,” “Goddamit, Dave, you lied!,” “Hey, new guy, are you alive?,” “What? I can’t hear you! Chainsaw!,” “Who the fuck is Mitch?,” “Always keeping an eye on me!,” and “Is that a fritter?”

The final score: review Virtually Perfect
The 411
Massacre on Aisle 12 is a B-movie horror comedy classic through and through. It is a tight, hilarious, gory, and proudly offensive romp that deserves every bit of adulation that it receives. It is an absolute must see. When it is unleashed on the world, make a serious effort to experience it. You’ll be glad that you did. Awesome, awesome stuff.