Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 01.01.13: Kim Kardashian, Django Unchained, Warm Bodies, Skyfall, More

January 1, 2013 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 183 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

Short note: Hello Movie/TV 3Rs readers. First of all, I like to thank you for your continued support to not only this column, but to the whole 411mania website in general. All of you have been great – from those who regularly and unregularly speak out in the comment section to those who participate in the Monday Night GIF contest. Whether it’s my badly-written jokes or the fact you like looking at eye-pleasing GIFs, I’m glad I could be here to entertain you in some form or another. 2012 was my first full year since taking the reins of the Movie/TV 3Rs column (only 1 missed deadline!) and I’m looking forward to whatever is in store for me, for you, for this column in 2013. Again, thanks for much.

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Without any further ado, here is…

  • Django Unchained went unchained at the box office (Har har): So I went to see Django Unchained on Friday, and wouldn’t you know it, the film did contain an extraordinary amount of the N-word. And blood cartons. And dead bodies. And things that made a kinda “glurp” sound (particularly during the mandingo fight). Did they detract from the film? Hecks no I say. While I can understand why it’s one of more polarizing films ever, Django Unchained is the messy over-the-top probably-way-too-long film Tarantino is known for – the kind of film where he just sticks his fingers in his ears and pays no attention when others are trying to reel in his eccentricity. Plus it had a horse named Fritz that bows when introduced and Samuel L. Jackson as Uncle Ruckus (a resemblance noticed by just about everyone) in one of his best performances ever. It was ridiculous. It was gratuitously absurd. I loved it.

    People whose name did not begin with “Spike” and end with “Lee” apparently felt the same way, as the film earned an estimated $30.7 million in its first weekend. If we were to include revenues from its initial opening on Tuesday, then raise it up to $64 million, with is a little more than half of Inglourious Basterds’ lifetime gross of $120.5 million. You have to imagine Django Unchained will eventually surpass Inglourious Basterds as Tarantino’s new highest-grossing movie. I would be O-K with it. Probably not with Spike Lee though, he must be fuming.

    Bloody beautiful; via Uproxx

    With that said: Pulp Fiction > Inglourious Basterds > Django Unchained > Kill Bill > Reservoir Dogs > Grindhouse > Jackie Brown (List is a work in progress because I keep reordering them every 5 seconds). REACT TO ME! (Feel free to do the same, tis the season to rank things anyway.)

  • Speaking of Quentin Tarantino, he has his eyes set on a Inglourious Basterds spin-off: Quentin Tarantino is not the kind to settle down, is he? In an interview with The Root, he talks about how he wants to follow-up Django Unchained with a Inglourious Basterds spin-off called Killer Crow, which is apparently not going to be about Brandon Lee coming back from the dead to become a zombie hitman (Hitzom?) or Raven coming back from irrelevance to become the wrestling version of a hitman. (My imagination is off on holiday break.)

    “I don’t know exactly when I’m going to do it, but there’s something about this that would suggest a trilogy. My original idea for Inglourious Basterds way back when was that this [would be] a huge story that included the [smaller] story that you saw in the film, but also followed a bunch of black troops, and they had been f–ked over by the American military and kind of go apes–t. They basically — the way Lt. Aldo Raines (Brad Pitt) and the Basterds are having an “Apache resistance” — [the] black troops go on an Apache warpath and kill a bunch of white soldiers and white officers on a military base and are just making a warpath to Switzerland.

    “So that was always going to be part of it. And I was going to do it as a miniseries, and that was going to be one of the big storylines. When I decided to try to turn it into a movie, that was a section I had to take out to help tame my material. I have most of that written. It’s ready to go; I just have to write the second half of it.

    “That would be the third of the trilogy. It would be [connected to] Inglourious Basterds, too, because Inglourious Basterds are in it, but it is about the soldiers. It would be called Killer Crow or something like that.” – The Root

    And I’m going to give a score of BILLIONJILLIONTRILLION% and probably love it more than it ought to be loved.

  • Skyfall crosses $1 billion worldwide: I love Skyfall probably a little more than most people – so much so that I listed it atop of my nonexistent list of 2012’s best movie. Since it is a season for ranking things, let’s go ahead and make that list un-nonexistent. Now you can criticize freely and point out how I have horrible taste in things I like (which I will not deny).

    1. Skyfall
    2. The Avengers
    3. Looper
    4. Django Unchained
    5. Dark Knight Rises

    Anyway, Skyfall has crossed the $1 billion mark in worldwide grosses. Only 13 other films can celebrate such a prestigious moment and joins The Dark Knight Rises and The Avengers as the three to do it this year alone. Simply fantastic. I love you, Skyfall and Adele’s Skyfall theme song.

    James Bond is going to celebrate the only way he knows how: with a fancy glass of mixed drinks (similar to how you would randomly fill your Big Gulp with different kinds of soda at 7-11) (alternative: a bottle of Heineken) and an exotic floozy. Chances of her ending up dead hours later: high.

  • Here’s the first four minutes of the newest zomromcom(?) story Warm Bodies: I’ll admit when I first heard about how the studio responsible for Twilight was going to adapt Isaac Marion’s book about teen zombie romance, I was ready to sugarcoat it with fire, and lots of it. A coming of age story about an unpopular high school boy looking for love and oh by the way everybody’s a zombie? WEIRD! But then I found out Jonathan Levine was involved. He was the director who made 50/50, and just like that, my cynicism cleared up for a bit. Then out came the trailer and I figured there was something to this “Not Another Teen Zombie Movie” movie after all. It might even be…dare I say…good.

    After a zombie becomes involved with the girlfriend of one of his victims, their romance sets in motion a sequence of events that might transform the entire lifeless world. – IMDB

    Well now you can judge for yourself with the release of the first four minutes of Warm Bodies. Pro: definitely looks intriguing. Con: looks like a Chemical Romance music video that was made at Hot Topic. Con: a story about a sad boy being sad doesn’t make up for lack of brain eating. Pro: will probably be better than World War Z.

  • Photoshop of Alison Brie as Captain America? Photoshop of Alison Brie as Captain America: There are few that can rival the phrase “Alison Brie in a belly shirt Captain America outfit” and I’m not going to bother trying to outdo it. I can’t even come up with a witty reply or sexual pun. Smooth move, Internet.

    Via Imgur (from Reddit)

    As such, here are my Top 5 Trollish Imgur Comments:

    1. Long hair for enemies to grab, no protection for the gut, and no helmet. Congrats on being sexist.
    2. Why the f*ck is she missing armor? Seriously, stereotypes. One slice and the chick is –dead-.
    3. Sorry, but my Captain American has a bulge between his legs. And no bewbs.
    4. Stephanie Rogers would not wear a belly shirt to battle. She’s got sh*t to avenge.
    5. Why do women cosplayers ALWAYS think there has to be skin showing? Capt. America didn’t have his abs hanging out…SO WHYARE YOURS?!

  • What the Mayans were talkin’ about: Kim Kardashian is preggers with Kanye West’s baby: Alternative headline: Kanye West Plows Kris Humpries’ Wife And Are Now Going To Have a Baby Together. Alternative headline #2: Kim Lets Kanye Finish This Time; Results in Baby.

    While performing at the Revel Resort in Atlantic City on Sunday night, rapper Kanye West announced that he and his gal pal, of eight months are expecting their first child.

    West delivered the news to a crowd of 5,000 at the casino hotel’s Ovation Hall in song form: “Now you having my baby.”

    The 35-year-old West told concertgoers to congratulate his “baby mom” and that this was the “most amazing thing” as the crowd roared

    Kardashian confirmed the news a few hours later on her official site. – NY Daily News

    Once again, let’s go to my list of Top 5 Things More Important than News about Kim & Kanye’s Child Whose First Pictures Will Probably Be Sold to Star Magazine for a Billion Dollars Because Kim Likes Them Cash Money:

    1. Google’s next front page design.
    2. Where to buy a nice churro.
    3. Garfield and Friends on Netflix.
    4. Honey roasted almonds.
    5. That Samsung Galaxy commercial with the hot wife. Who is she and how can I be more than just friends with her?

  • Chad Ochocinco Johnson has a sex tape. Wha?: So let me get this straight: former Cincinnati Bengals stand out and Miami Dolphin-for-a-day Chad Johnson has a legit sex tape floating around somewhere. Sure, he has admitted to its existence but you know Chad, always saying stuff to get attention and generate headlines. So yeah, a Chad Johnson sex tape exists. He just didn’t leak it.

    Chad Johnson acknowledges … a sex tape which appears to feature the former NFL star — along with TWO female friends — is REAL … but Chad insists he never wanted the footage to go public.

    Sources close to Johnson … ha, Johnson … tell TMZ the tape was shot roughly 3 years ago in a hotel room in Florida.

    We’re told Chad has no idea how the tape leaked to the Internet … but insists he wasn’t behind it … and now he’s exploring his legal options in hopes of having the tape removed from the web ASAP.

    So far, it doesn’t appear the entire video has made it’s way into cyberspace — only bits and pieces — but we’re told the entire tape is “substantial in length” … ha, substantial in length.

    We reached out to Johnson’s lawyer — but he had no comment. – TMZ

    Deadspin has parts of the video here (caution: NSFW), but then why would you want to watch it? It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve seen Johnson dropping another one in the end zone. Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

  • This is the Hong Kong Phooey test footage that was going to result in Eddie Murphy’s reemergence in Hollywood: Or not. Maybe? No.

    One of these days Eddie Murphy is going to settle down with a movie he could be proud to take home to mama. One of these days…

  • John Dies at the End trailer reveals what will happen if you try to pirate John Dies at the End movie (Hint: You’ll explode): Now this – with “this” being the new trailer to John Dies at the End – is how you present yourself as part of the anti-pirate movement. Don’t let the initial politeness fool you. You’ll be in a world of hurt if you even try to use Bittorrent to download even 1% of their indie horror film.

    I know you’re asking yourself, “Is this movie even worth pirating?” *high pitch voice* You have to buy it to find out.

  • Nick Stahl was arrested on suspicion of lewd conduct but at least he might get an iPad out of it: You know those banners that blink on top of websites that read “Win a Free iPad If You Can Swat the Fly” or whatever. Nick Stahl did that, except he did it inside while watching an adult movie in a private booth. And he was swatting all right – it just wasn’t at a fly.

    Normally a story wouldn’t end with “[something] offered [someone] a free iPad so he could do his masturbatory duties at home,” but…well… offered Stahl a free iPad so he could do his masturbatory duties at home.

    When Nick Stahl did the world the disservice of decongesting his clogged man-pipes in public, we wondered why the troubled actor couldn’t just tend to his masturbatory duties at home like the rest of us?

    Was the Terminator 3 star’s computer in the shop? Is he downloading porn on a dial-up?!
    It turns out we weren’t the only curious kittens worried about his well-being! (eww) offered Nick a free iPad so he might attend to his “private business in a tranquil setting.”

    Ha! We’re guessing Bangyoulater is a porn site and not a[n] online drum warehouse, but who cares?! A free iPad is a free iPad!

    Plus, don’t those things come with GPS!? That could come in handy next time Nick gets lost! – Perez Hilton

    Hmm, I would hardly call that very fair. If I take pictures of Kate Upton while she’s sleeping, will I get a free bag of groceries? Because… I really need groceries.

  • That’s enough of that, Katt Williams: When I last heard about Katt Williams, he was trekkin’ on the streets of Sacramento and putting the open hand slaps to a Target employee. Since then – and it was a kinda long “then” ago too – he’s been involved in a lot of no-no’s as of late. Come read about Katt’s latest exploits, in (Not) Top 5 form.

    1. Arrested for child endangerment in while there were numerous guns and illegal drugs in his house.
    2. Started a club fight hours after he was released from jail which also involved Suge Knight. (Maybe stop hanging out with Suge Knight, even for a while?)
    3. Slapped with a tax lien totaling over $4 million. That sound you just heard was Lindsay Lohan laughing at his direction.
    4. Called Jamie Foxx gay; is not a fan of Django Unchained
    5. Received a citation for parking too close to a fire hydrant. His friend received multiple outstanding traffic warrants. Who was that friend? Suge Knight.

    2013 (and part of 2014) cannot get here soon enough for dear ol’ Katt.

  • When gratuitous adorable animals (giraffes) attack! Oh man, those long-necked behemoths don’t take no guff from nobody.

    In what was the highest vote tally in the short history of MNGF, universe treasure Michelle Jenneke’s darling warm-up routine (80.16%) thoroughly trumps wave blindside bikini girl (19.84%). To put it in hard numbers, the Jenneke GIF grabbed 76 more votes than its competitor. Picture a pie chart that looks like Pac-Man. Yeah, it looks like that.

    You see, Michelle Jenneke always wins. Now I kind of want to see what happens when she’s up against more familiar competition….

    Always, this week’s MNGF contest: BIG NEW YEAR DISCO DANCE PARTY!!11!




    Note: Fight contest 99.9% more spectacular when the accompanied song is played on loop. Have fun filing those spreadsheets for the rest of day.

    Look at that. The club can’t even handle them right now. These would be some of my other favorite GIFs of 2012, and for all intent and purposes, one of the more difficult contests I’ve put together. Took me a long time to figure out which one I liked best. To be quite honest, I still don’t know if I picked the right one. For now my choice would be the Avengers GIF. Will it stick by tomorrow? Who knows.

    Last word: Have a safe beginning to 2013 everyone. My New Year’s Resolution is to think of a New Year’s Resolution and never tell you what it is. I started a bit early.


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    Porfirio Diaz