Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 02.12.13: Kate Upton, Hulk, Community, Justice League, More

February 12, 2013 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 188 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

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Without any further ado, here is…

  • Kate Upton is on the cover of Sports Illustrated 2013 Swimsuit Edition (spoiler alert: it’s pretty hot): These are words you’re going to skim through because the light at the end of the tunnel is Kate Upton’s boobs. Chances are you went to the picture first anyway. Chances are you might not scroll back up to read the rest of the blurb. And chances are you will not apologize for it. I don’t blame you. She holds a power not unlike other 20-year-old sports magazine cover girls.

    For the second time in their careers, Kate Upton and her assets are on full display in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover. This makes her the first back-to-back swimsuit cover model since Tyra Banks did it in 1996 and 1997. Here is my analysis on the actual cover: umm…she’s wearing a jacket because it’s cold. “I look…Cold lol,” Upton said in a tweet. You’re not going to find this incredible breakdown anywhere else you guys.

    Originally the blurb headline was titled “Kate Upton SI bewbs fap fap fap” but I, plus everyone here at 411mania, are a little bit more courteous than that. Now shut up and stare while I write an 8,000 word report about why this is considered the most important news of the year.

  • Community is back (So is The Walking Dead, but so far I only saw Community so let’s discuss that): In preparation for the fourth (and final?) season, I ran a Community marathon in which I managed to watch the previous 71 episodes in under two weeks. Longtime readers know that I adore the quirky sitcom. It has given us three remarkable seasons of TV – which includes, but are not limited to: memorable characters, rampant continuity (me like continuity), and some of the most amazing running gags/pop culture riffs/Easter eggs you’ll ever see. The show is up there among my favorite shows of all time, where even a bad episode of Community is better than 90% of what’s on TV.

    What I feared with the major change made behind the scenes in the past year – the less crabby duo of Moses Port and David Guarascio in place of showrunner Dan Harmon – was it wasn’t going to be “Community” anymore. It’s a show fans view as a bit more special than most sitcoms on TV, and to have the creator, the main inspiration of the show, ousted was a cause for concern. So I saw the season premiere titled “History 101” with lower expectations and…it looked like Community. It tasted like Community…yet something was a bit off. It wasn’t the characters. They were the same quirky bunch as in season’s past. It weren’t the jokes. The laughs I produced during the episode can arrest to that. Definitely not Britta’s glasses, who looked more than fyne with them on. Call me crazy but was precious Alison Brie leapfrogged by Glasses Britta AND Annie Kim in terms of hotness judging by last week’s episode? Is it even possible?

    If something did indeed felt different, then I would point to the cinematography. Some of the framework felt awkward, especially in the hallway scenes, though still not enough to ruin the enjoyment. I could also point out to The Hunger Deans, which, sadly, didn’t divulge too much into the homage as much as the previews wanted you to believe. It felt a little forced, and really had to fight for screen time against two other storylines (Britta/Troy, Annie/Shirley). This is what happens when you try to squeeze too much story into 22 minutes, though things did wrap up nicely in the end. Look at the Dungeons & Dragons or the paintball shows – episodes where they really went all-out with the pop culture concept – and compare it to this one. Simply felt like an excuse for the Dean to wear another decorative outfit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    Some critics have called last week’s premiere “hallow” but I wouldn’t go that far. What I said above were minor nitpicks. Despite it all, last week’s premiere was top notch TV, and I will be looking forward to the next (last?) 12 episodes of the season. It may be a little bit different, but to me, Community is still Community.

    Over on AMC, The Walking Dead drew 12.3 million total views, an all-time high. Yay. Now don’t ruin the premiere of The Walking Dead you jerks.


    Annie was right. They do make a great pair.

  • Marvel Studios planning to adapt Planet Hulk and World War Hulk: Suddenly “Phase Two” doesn’t seem “all that” anymore.

    According to Latino Review, the rumors circulating in regards to a solo Hulk movie – already in plans to be released after The Avengers 2 – will apparently be based on the Planet Hulk storyline. In case you don’t have the story committed to memory, basically the superheroes of Earth banish Hulk to a distant planet with 90% of their reasoning due for being too dangerous, while the remaining 10% is due to him having an odor problem and being quite unapologetic about it. Hulk ain’t care, as he Hulk-ingly takes over the planet with his Hulk muskles. You want a reference? Go watch the Planet Hulk animated movie.

    As if THAT’s not enough, the basis of Avengers 3 will be revolved around the World War Hulk storyline. In case you don’t the story committed to memory (What? I’m assuming you did), the story follows up on Planet Hulk in which Hulk finds his way back home. Spoiler: he’s not too happy to see everyone.

    Keep in mind this is yet another frustrated rumor in a pond of them. Even if it was true, Marvel can’t use Mr. Fantastic or Professor X without stumbling over a lawsuit, and I doubt Marvel is willing to put the effort introducing Namor, Dr. Strange, Black Bolt, and whoever else makes up the rest of the Illuminati unless drastic changes were made. I wouldn’t mind a movie version of the Illuminati, though that too might be farfetched.

    On the other hand, yay most recent comic adaptations.

  • Ellie Kemper to star in NBC comedy pilot: Ellie Kemper is a cool cat. You know why? She is one of the oh-so-few reasons the sinking ship known as The Office hovers above watchable. She’s cute as a button, not to mention was a former intern for Conan O’Brien and a former acting student of Jon Hamm. That’s hot. Oh and did I mention she landed her own show?

    Ellie Kemper has signed for the lead role in the NBC comedy pilot Brenda Forever. The flashback-filled pitch: “Stories from Brenda Miller’s past and present are interwoven to give a unique portrait of how a chubby, awkward, but incredibly confident 13-year-old grew up to be a 31-year-old woman who still marches to the beat of her own drum.” – EW

    Bleugh. There is too much adult version of Punky Brewster in that pitch!

    NBC is not exactly hitting home runs with comedies as of late and it won’t be long before “Whitney Wednesdays” dominates that particular night because television executives are terrible. However, Kemper is absolutely adorable and I am in favor of seeing her move on to great success. I mean, how can you scoff at this face?

  • TV series based on Wizard of Oz might be told in Game of Thrones fashion: According to THR, the new Wizard of OzTV series will be called Red Brick Road, and will be filled with “politics, intrigue, and violence”. And it will look exactly like this:

    Color me intrigued.

  • Warner Bros flushes Justice League script down the drain because “it’s terrible”: We all believed this would be it. We believed, after years of speculation and getting their asses kicked by Marvel, Warner Bros would finally settle down with a Justice League movie – maybe move into a house with a white picket fence and get a Corgi who goes by the name Colonel Waffles. It didn’t matter if the project was moving at a snail’s pace. This was it. This was the alternative that would strike fear into the heart – and wallet – of Marvel’s uber-sational success in the superhero department.

    A team-up movie with the world’s most recognizable conquerors of justice and the individual series that will be made afterwards? What can possibly go wrong?

    “Not so fast.” – Record Scratch

    I’ve now heard from multiple sources that the Will Beall script for Justice League has been scrapped. The story from each source is the same: it’s terrible. Some sources seem to think the whole movie is going to fall apart and never happen, while some believe that Warner Bros will keep moving forward, unwilling to lose the superhero arms race.

    Note: the superhero arms race is mainly Marvel having yacht jousts in their football field-sized pool filled with champagne; meanwhile, Warner Bros cannot figure out how to get the 12:00 on their VCR to stop blinking.

    Beall’s script supposedly includes Darkseid and a heavy cosmic threat. But the script has been half-baked from the beginning, with reports saying that heroes (beyond the core five of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, The Flash and Green Lantern) have been cut and added from the proceedings seemingly at studio executive will. The latest word was that Warner Bros, experiencing real cold feet, had decided to wait until The Man of Steel to really move forward, but it’s possible that moving forward now will mean a whole new script. – Badass Digest

    You would think it’d be easy to create a decent story about a team of famous comic characters – consisting of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, and Green Lantern – fighting against dark forces – Darkseid – in an action-packed battle to save the Earth. You would think, right? Nope, it’s only Marvel that makes it look easy. The script written by Will Beall – the guy behind the underwhelming Gangster Squad flick (Rotten Tomato score: 32%) – was tossed out the window due to excessive executive meddling and, well, let’s just say it: the script sucked. Now the film’s future is dependent on the pending success of The Man of Steel. How typical – it’s up to Superman to save the day again.

    There is a very good chance Justice League ends up going back into the million dollar idea thought bubble of no return. With the way things are going, maybe it’s for the best. Go back to the individual hero stories and build up from there. I’d rather have no Justice League than a future where Mystery Men is considered the better film – and I like Mystery Men. OK, poor example. I got it, I’ll use The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Is that the darkest timeline you want? Where The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen > Justice League?

    So how much money, stock options, and cases of Sunkist will it take Christopher Nolan to get onboard? If not him, then give it to Seth Green. Another full-length Robot Chicken feature will be just as good.

  • Justin Bieber hosted Saturday Night Live and it was so zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz: According to a scientific study, everyone labeled as a “Biebliever” has a sort of like-like towards Justin Bieber. (Scientific study mostly involved reading tweets from his legion of crazed fans while eating a turkey sandwich. I did not enjoy it.) There are many of them out there, which may explain how he got to host SNL for the second time. I don’t see why, seeing is how SNL airs past their bedtimes.

    So how was the Bieber-hosted episode? It wasn’t good. It was meh but more along the lines of a dismissive wank “meh”. I wouldn’t call it the worst of the season, but there wasn’t a lot of entertainment to be had. Bieber kept flubbing lines and burning every sketch he was in down to the ground before going back to stomp on the ashes. (See: The Californians. UGH.) This is a problem when your charisma is similar to that of a $50-$60 brick. Everything else ranged from mediocre to terrible.

    Bring back Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

  • Awful human being Rex Reed called Melissa McCarthy “tractor-sized” and “female hippo” in his Identity Thief review: Fact: Rex Reed started a rumor that Marisa Tomei only won the Oscar for Best Support Actress in 1992 because Jack Palance was confused or drunk or stoned or whatever when he presented the award. Fact: Red Reed once wrote the following in his review of the South Korean movie Oldboy: “What else can you expect from a nation weaned on kimchi, a mixture of raw garlic and cabbage buried underground until it rots, dug up from the grave and then served in earthenware pots sold at the Seoul airport as souvenirs?” Fact: Rex Reed called Melissa McCarthy a “female hippo,” among other horrible things in his review of Identity Thief. Stay classy, Rex.

    In the trashy, stupefying screenplay by Craig Mazin, Jason Bateman is a Denver accountant named Sandy Patterson—another in a long line of victims of the increasingly dangerous world of cyber-crime—whose credit card has been hacked and copied by a felonious thief in Miami (cacophonous, tractor-sized Melissa McCarthy).

    LOL incredibly intolerant fat jokes. Reed sure can tell ‘em. I bet he saves pictures of people he hates off the Internet and doodle mean-spirited words all over their faces.

    The snafus in the worst road movie since The Guilt Trip plunge Mr. Bateman and his female hippo into a motel with only a double bed, a grotesque sex scene with a pickled reprobate she picks up in a bar who demands a threesome, a violent bar fight that bloodies his nose, a kidnapping, a multi-car collision going the wrong way on the freeway … but why go on?

    This does sound like the sort of sizist sh*t a douchebag like Rex Reed would say.

    Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is a gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success. – New York LOLserver Observer

    Or, you know, she’s a comedian who has devoted her short career to being funny?

    Identity Thief is getting beat up by the critics – 24% on Rotten Tomatoes so far – and perhaps the discontent is warranted. If I had to guess solely from the trailer, the film does look terrible. Nevertheless the negativity hasn’t stopped moviegoers from helping the film earn an estimated $37 million at the box office over the weekend. Great, I guess. Cheers for everyone involved, yet hardly the point I wanted to make.

    The real point is that Rex Reed is, in the words of Jeremy Wilson’s Facebook page, “an incompetent, trolling troglodyte” and probably should be crushed by a real tractor or hippo. Put the two together and you got yourself a new Mega Man robot master. Cool! And not to further stray from the point, but all this Rex Reed talk is making me think of this quote from The Critic: “Hey, Jay! It’s Gene Siskel. I’ve decided I’d like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you’re game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.” (beep) “Jay, it’s Roger Ebert. How’d you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.” (beep) “Jay, it’s Rex Reed. I don’t care if you got the job. I’ve got a NEW partner. (Monkey screeches) That’s right, Pauline Kael!”

    In conclusion, fact: Rex Reed is the worst.

    I imagine troglodytes has cat whiskers too.

  • World’s Greatest Parents Award goes to Dina Lohan and Michael Lohan for planning to write all-tell book on their law-breaking Liz Taylor grave rolling daughter Lindsay: We go live to TMZ for this incredible story. Take it away Teemzee!

    TMZ: “Well American. Are you ready for the latest hot sizzling chapter of Lohan family hysteria question mark exclamation point question mark again?!? Michael Lohan told Dina to take her memoir and SUCK IT like the way she siphons gas on her way to WHOREMART (“A LOT LIKE MY EX-WIFE, TEMPEEZEE – LOW PRICES EVERYDAY!”) because, whaddya know, he’s writing his own tell-all book entitled “I Am Not Daddy Dearest … If I can Turn It All Around, You Can too!” In an exclusive, Michael told us the book will mainly be about My Mother the Car recaps and stories about the time he drank Ted Kennedy under the table. LIKE A BOSS. He say he would also include scandalous photos of his daughter Lindsay, but “she is NOT a hooker. She may be a liar, a brat, an idiot, a car rammer, a hooker, but she is NOT a porn star. OK, maybe that too, but not as much as her mother – the VILLAGE NOTCH.”


    On a related story, Lindsay wants to open a high-end Mexican restaurant in Tribeca. Incredible!

  • Someone wants to make a TV movie about the Newtown shootings: I’m not one easily prone to bouts of anger by much of anything – with the exception of what happened in the Super Bowl, which frankly I don’t believe ever happened. What Super Bowl? – but in accordance to the story of a director wanting to make a TV movie relating to the Newtown school shooting, no. NO! No no no no no. No way. This is horrible. No.

    A director says he’s traveling to Connecticut to prepare for a TV movie related to the Newtown school shooting.

    Jonathan Bucari told News 12 Connecticut he planned to visit Ridgefield on Monday.

    Ridgefield is 20 miles southwest of Newtown, where a gunman fatally shot 20 first-graders, six educators and himself in December.

    WVIT-TV reports Bucari’s film company says the film focuses on a 13-year-old boy with mental illness and a fear of his parents after the shooting. – EW

    Via Website
  • Here is a couple who likes to drink coffee by pouring it up their butts for reasons: What you are about to read is a true story which was recently featured on TLC’s My Strange Addiction (of course): a Florida (OF COURSE) couple, Mike and Trina, got hooked on giving themselves coffee enemas. They pour a pot of coffee up their butts – called “coffee cleansing” – two to four times a day before making the “transition from floor to toilet seat as quickly as possible.” “It’s going to come flying out of there like a torrent.”

    Caffeine enters the system faster and more efficiently through the colon than it does through the stomach. Or so I’m told. Slice it any way you want, this is still a story about people pouring a pot of coffee up their butts.

    “The best part of waking up is Folgers in your butt.”

  • The Joker, aiming low this time around, takes over an Applebee’s: The Joker has a knack for causing mayhem in his many years as a depraved criminal. This time he went too far.

    Twenty-four-year-old Aaron Chase arrived at a Chautauqua County, N.Y., Applebee’s Sunday, wearing white face paint, a green wig and a big red smile. He was rocking a full-on Heath Ledger, and it sure wasn’t Halloween. Allegedly he’d already been kicked out of another bar up the road for making gun gestures at the bartender earlier in the evening. Already drunk and all out of cash, Chase allegedly began harassing people at the Applebee’s. He was asked to leave. He did not. Apparently this isn’t even his first time, but bar owner Tim Ruch still says, “People get a little uptight and nervous. You don’t see this everyday.” – Blastr

    “We tried to call Batman, but he was chowing down a bucket of bottomless fries over at a Red Robin. You know what else would have been nice to have at a Red Robin – PARENTS TO GO ALONG WITH YOUR WORTHLESS BOTTOMLESS FRIES. *ahem* Sorry, it’s been a rough day.”

    The only thing missing from the scene was The Joker pouring hot coffee up his anus. It would have been perfect.

  • This is Bobo and darn it he doesn’t want to take his medicine. Watch as he adorably activates puppy ignore/pout mode. Daw.

    Results from two weeks ago: Lakers Bros – the bestest of all bros – proved to be a little bit more fetch than They Live, winning 55.95% to 44.05%. Not to rub dirt on their season – oh who am I kidding? What I’m about to do is textbook dirt rubbing – but is it even possible for the mishmash patty wack Lakers to still win over 40% of their games? Not if the team keeps playing basketball with walkers and jersey suspenders. Would it help tremendously if they send Dwight Howard packing to the Rockets? Oh wait, I said that wrong: would it help them tremendously if they send Dwight Howard packing in a rocket…to the moon?

    This week: Batman and Superman as super best friends forever.




    I have no earthly idea what is going in GIF #2. With no context handy, I can only tell you that Batman is Superman’s new house cat. Only he’s a bat. Yeah, I don’t think it’s going to work out. Batman doesn’t seem to mind, as he stands there rather nonchalantly. As much as I want to spotlight Supes for sporting one hell of a goofy – and by the looks of it, slightly turned on – expression, the winner is Robin the Perv Wonder, who seems to getting a lot of joy watching the spectacle in front of him. Hey where are his hands?

    Last word: I didn’t get to see the Grammys but from ever report I read, Katy Perry’s massive boobs stole the show and won all the awards. Taylor Swift wore a white dress and ate the hearts of all the male attendees possibly because she’s a demon and her soul needed to feed. She also lip-synched. Guess what TMZ talked about first?


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