Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 03.20.12: Prometheus, Michael Bay, Dark Shadows, Luck, More

March 20, 2012 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 142 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

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Without any further ado, here is…

  • Quick hit: 411mania cited on Playboy because we’re awesome and all that: The proof lies in this completely unaltered picture.

  • As promised, the complete Prometheus trailer: It’s last week’s teaser trailer albeit this time with an additional 2 minutes and 10 seconds of intense space horror footage. Breathe it in folks.

    As a refreshing quencher, allow me to introduce you to this little game called “What YouTube Commenters Saw in New Prometheus Trailer.” Some listed for fun, some listed for informative relevance. Feel free to stop at any time stamp and see if you can see what they see.

    0:59 – “What that Christian Bale at 0:59?” (jigsaw332)
    1:04 – “Erect nipple visible at 1:04.” (mcfubb)
    1:36 – “ALIEN confirmed, maybe some type of art but thats an alien for sure!” – (LodossWarz)
    1:37 – “xenomorph…. :D” (DeltPhoenix008)
    1:54 – “There’s an Asian at 1:54. Sweet! now I’m definitely going to see this movie :D” (ImWitStupit)
    2:03 – “is that thing ripping out their lungs??” (macabeus)
    2:03 – “that jumping alien has astronot clothes” (hamstathps)
    2:04 – “did anyone else notice how that room is uncannily similar to the one in Alien?” (flavour009)
    2:05 – “At 2:05 you can see the alien chest burster being held” (cootigerdude)
    2:06 – “ITS KONY GET HIM!” (carlmuller6)
    2:09 – “its Iron Man chasing her!!! xD” (TheUSSEliteClan)
    2:12 – “Space Jockey at 2:12” (GlennBattishill)
    2:16 – “at 2:16, who or what is that thing in front of her? a space jockey maybe?” (NikoBellic741)
    2:31 – “is that the alien that died on the chair in Alien 1979 right?” (TheNuthingleft)

  • The trailer to Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows looks like a whimsical comedy with shades of The Addams Family and Beetlejuice: I don’t know Dark Shadows. I’m not familiar with Dark Shadows. Research indicates it was a treasured supernatural soap opera which spanned from 1966 to 1971 on ABC. Specifies of the series include gothic melodrama with a deadly serious tone, plenty of camp value, and enough blooper reel material to fill in a week’s worth of episodes (due to a hectic schedule where actors didn’t have time for second takes). The trailer for Time Burton’s version of Dark Shadows , which stars series buff Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, and Chloe Moretz, is not that. It’s actually the most Tim Burton thing ever, and that’s maybe a good thing. Plus, hot witches.

    I don’t know where Burton got the idea to turn a somber supernatural soap opera into a 70s romp with his version of sophisticated slapstick (A fish-out-of-water vampire! Look at him try to adjust to modern times! *honks bicycle horn*) and vampire disco on the side but – sorry to all hardcore Dark Shadows fans – I liked it. Everything you expect out of a Burton feature – check out the costumes and the silly string harfs and the way Depp plays the role of a pasty faced wacko as if it wasn’t his first time. Clearly Burton-esque. And let’s not get started on the disco scene oh wait already have – are shown in full force. All wonderful, all the time.

    And once again, hot witches. Horny witches.

  • CBS renews bunch of television shows you probably like: Good news to people who like CBS shows – they’re getting renewed! Even the ones old people like and you hate, and vice versa. So pull your britches and set phasers to stun.

    Television’s top-rated network on Wednesday announced the renewal of a staggering 18 prime-time series for next season. They include the top-rated “NCIS” and its spinoff, and the hot new Thursday drama “Person of Interest.”

    A handful of series did not get early renewals, putting them on “the bubble” for return. Those include the New York and Miami spinoffs of “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.” – Yahoo News

  • The list right now stands at 18 renewals: The Good Wife, CSI, Criminal Minds, NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Hawaii Five-0,How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, The Mentalist, Person of Interest, Blue Bloods, Mike & Molly, 2 Broke Girls, 60 Minutes, 48 Hours, Survivor, The Amazing Race, and Undercover Boss.

    Yay How I Met Your Mother. While I’m not personally invested in Big Bang Theory, CBS would be crazy not to renew their biggest ratings grab. Repeat statement with The Mentalist. The rest? Meh. I call them “300 channels and there’s nothing on” filler.

    An absent most noticeable is Two and a Half Man but I figure it’ll be renewed sooner or later. Even with all the backstage drama, CBS will not allow their Top 3 show to sizzle outside in the hot sun for too long.

  • Marvel’s The Avengers Ultimate Marvel Marathon is Must See Big Screen… if you can spring 40 bucks and find the most convenient participating theater: As Movieweb says, “Six movies. One epic day. $40 ticket.” For $40 (that’s $6.67 per showing) you get to watch the following movies back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back: Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor (in 3D), Captain America (in 3D), and finally the long-awaited Avengers movie (in 3D). The event spans from 12:01 am EST on March 12 to the early morning of March 13.

    Yeah, you can say it – this is the most nerd thing ever. But look at it this way: take a couple of friends, hang out with other people who share similar interests, chill out, and watch Marvel movies all day. You even get a free pair of Avengers themed 3D glasses. I’m no fan of 3D but it’s the thought that counts. Unless you’ve seen most on the list, I don’t see how this could be any better for Marvel admirers. Wait…

    *looks up list of participating theaters*

    *does not include “Sacramento, CA”*

    *nearest theater 3 hours away*


  • Spoilers Alert: A Short Movie: And now a public service announcement from your friends at College Humor: The Spoilers Manifesto. It’s actually a good rule of thumb to follow. We love to talk about television shows and movies with our online community but we often don’t throw caution in the wind when it comes to the dangers of spoilers. This video helps explain the massive problem in simple-to-follow instructions. A time period for spoilers alerts? Yes.

    It couldn’t have come at a better time. I don’t want to be in the same room when discussions about the Walking Dead season finale or a new possible plot synopsis of the Dark Knight Rises pops up.

    Now you have no excuses.

    /reads Dark Knight Risesspoiler
    //mad at myself

  • Michael Bay to produce A&E reality series because why not: Movie/TV 3R’s exclusive – scenes from Michael Bay’s upcoming reality show:

    Scene 1: Hot girl in Daisy Dukes fixing exotic car, bent over in great exaggeration (script reads “mandatory” in bold red letters)
    Scene 2: Water and sponges included from previous scene (super mandatory)
    Scene 3: Explosions
    Scene 4: Explosions within explosions!
    Scene 5: Enter part-Latino, part-Black, part Russian racist caricature to handle love triangle between Ben Affleck and nine Victoria Secret models
    Scene: Stuff is said but no one understands what is said; enter old person who says darnest thing
    Scene 6: Building shown on fire (no explanation given)
    Scene 7: Same building shown exploding (in 3D) (again, no reason given)
    Scene 8: Hot woman shown once more (because this is the only kind of woman who exist in Bay’s reality)
    Scene 9: End Credits (cost $3 million dollars)

    I’ve learned that A&E has put in development an unscripted reality series executive produced by feature director-producer Michael Bay. The untitled project, a competition reality series that promises to test the strength of the family unit like never before, is being produced by Bay’s Platinum Dunes and Shed Media US (Supernanny). – Deadline

    Scene 10: Preview – Family unit fight in giant robots, everyone escapes unscathed (does not apply to extras)

    You get it. Michael Bay has a fixated version of reality. And a very dangerous man.

  • Horses sure had a terrible time last week, or why Luck was canned; also horse face punching: As you could probably tell by the headline, it was not fun to be a horse for the past couple of days. More dangerous than any glue factory, HBO’s racing drama Luck has an unfortunate habit of having horses die on their set. With Luck becoming Saw for our four-legged thoroughbreds, along with a stew of mediocre ratings, the produces had no choice but to put their own series down for good. Oh, what horse-related show on a premium channel I don’t have will I not watch now?!

    Luck will be no more on HBO. The pay cable network, along with Luck executive producers David Milch and Michael Mann, just announced that they’re ending the series following yesterday’s horse death, the third on the set of the horse racing drama starring Dustin Hoffman. Luck had been in the middle of production on the second episode of Season 2. – Deadline

    There was one incident in 2010 where a horse was hurt during a racing scene and later euthanized. There was a similar incident in 2011. This makes three. I only know of two famous horses (Barbaro and one other name that escapes me at the moment) that have died from racing injuries. Somehow a fictionalized television show managed to have three, which according to horse whispers everywhere, is three too many. Apparently horse #3 – who I’ve nicknamed the 2011-2012 Duke Blue Devils basketball team – stumbled into a freak accident:

    “The horse was on her way back to the stall when she reared, flipped over backwards, and struck her head on the ground,” [California Horse Racing Board veterinarian Gary] Beck said in a statement. An attending veterinarian determined that euthanasia was appropriate, he said. – Deadspin

    Ouch. So Luck proved fatally unlucky to these three horses and PETA is naturally throwing a fit. However they are right to be upset in this case and had a totally reasonable alternative to the show’s racing operation (“use stock racing footage instead of endangering horses for entertainment purposes”). In any event, Luck becomes the worst cancellation of a horse-studded series since Sex and The City.

    In another horse-related incident, a 27-year-old contestant on a reality show called Full Metal Jousting (I wonder if the show has to do with jousting…) knuckled up and punched a horse in the face after it allegedly stepped on his foot. Isn’t there a saying about punching a horse in the face? Oh yeah, I remember now – don’t do it! Don’t do it unless you happen to be Mongo aka Mr. Pawn in Game of Life. In any event, this new low of horse educate is the worst incident of mistreatment something something Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don’t Know How She Does It.

    Scene: relevant

  • Discovery Channel breaks up with Bear Grylls: I bet even Bear couldn’t stage this development (allegedly).

    Discovery Channel has terminated its relationship with Bear Grylls, the British television personality and star of the network’s Man Vs. Wild. The severing of the relationship, which began back in 2006 when Man vs. Wild launched on Discovery, comes after the network has allegedly been unable to get Grylls to participate in two unannounced projects he was contracted for, say sources. The sixth season of Man Vs. Wild wrapped in August.

    “Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him,” a network spokesperson tells The Hollywood Reporter. – Hollywood Reporter

    Dang. I’m actually bummed. Integrity about his off-camera arrangements aside, I liked Bear Grylls and his balls-to-the-walls survival stunts. He’s teaching us how to survive in the wild while being entertaining! Remember the time he swam under a sea of ice or the time he ate camel testicles? Those were the best. The show was not all deadly escapisms and consumption of raw animal parts. It was a showmanship of survival instincts, a strategy guide for worst case scenarios, and a study case of what happens when you stab a reindeer in the head, drink blood from its neck, remove the heart, and eat the heart. That’s hardcore.

    It’s not like he had a McDonalds nearby… or did he??

  • Jersey Shore renewed for a sixth season: It’s too the point where you can’t even watch it ironically. Otherwise this is great news for all the juiceheads, gorillas, Lady Muff Cabbage, and 411 Resident/He-Man Undertaker Hater MBD.

    Call it jumping the (baby) shark, but MTV promises a show headed into “uncharted territory” with the return of the full cast:

    “While things will definitely be a little different this time when they hit (concrete from a very high place?) the boardwalk (oh), their trademark hilarity and family dysfunction will remain the same,” reads a press release from the cable network.

    Baby Snooki, by the way, is believed to be due in the fall so that means plenty of opportunities for her and the baby bump to hit Karma for some pregnant-style partying. – Zap 2 It

    I’m sure many of you are looking forward to the imminent new episodes about Snooki’s baby exploits. I know I am. Can’t you tell from the excitement of my typed interface? Bow down to baby Snooki! And we can’t forget about the rest of cast who will no doubt live up to their celebrity status and continue to follow the Jersey Shore blueprint: avoid parties, be courteous to people, and teach others about how abstinence is cool.

  • Kiefer Sutherland totally pissed off about Fox’s decision to shelve 24 movie: Memo to Fox: you’re doing it wrong!

    24: The Movie, has been shelved and Kiefer Sutherland is PISSED! It all started with budget issues, but now things are getting personal!

    Kiefer and producer Brian Grazer thought the film needed AT LEAST around $40 million, but Fox wanted to shoot the project with a budget in the low $30 millions. Kiefer wanted to paid $5 million; Fox wanted to give him $1 million.

    Money rules the world!

    Overall, Kiefer and the talent attached to the 24 movie felt disrepected and ignored by Fox. Sources say that the budget and personal problems could affect Kiefer’s other Fox show, Touch, as well. – Perez Hilton

    Way to cheap out on a potential money grabber crowd pleaser Fox. I say we help Sutherland in the only way we know how: flaming letters and a barrage of insults on Fox’s Twitter page. Twitter smack: not just for Rock and Cena anymore.

  • Michael Bay plans to ruin your idealized childhood memory of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by making them “tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable” aliens : I’ve been told numerous times that there are no monsters in the world. But there is, isn’t there? And there’s one right over there! The one with the plans to produce a new live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie with a vomit mass of ideas! *fast camera pan to Michael Bay*

    (Man, there is no quit on this guy.)

    Michael Bay talks Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by stuffwelike

    “When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.” – Collider

    *childhood memory explodes*

    This is hilarious. One look at the title suggests the turtles have been already established as mutants for many, many, many years. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles =/= aliens. But Michael Bay rarely uses things like logic and reading comprehension. Does he even know what he gotten himself into? Did he read the title and thought, “Hmm, nope. This won’t do at all. I know! Aliens! Aliens with edgeitude and sunglasses and breakdancing black guys! I’m sure the kids of the Internet will love this.”

    Bay’s utopian world of alien turtles – sorry, tough, edgy, and completely hilarious alien turtles starring Channing Tatum as Michelangelo and some 20-year-old leggy chick as April O’Neil in a yellow jumpsuit bikini – is a mind blower. My mind is blown. His visionaries are mine clouds to little things like judgment and credibility, and thus a very dangerous man. If you see him, lock you doors, close the shutters, and wait under the table until adult supervisor comes for you.

    BAY 2012. Only you have the power to stop him.

  • Twilight fans attempt to break world record in most Twilight thing ever: Twilight fans can be scary. We knew that back when the first movie premiered and have since continued to wallow in their existence from their purchases of Edward Wigs and the My Life is Twilight webpage. They pride themselves into great lengths to show off their fandom. So leave it up to promotional company Entertainment One to exploit their obsessive devotion with a creepy world record attempt – “longest chain of brides in one location at HMV Oxford Street.”

    The gathering of Twihards in wedding dresses. At one place for the DVD release of Breaking Dawn Part 1. With two Edwards – one cardboard cutoff and one impersonator. And a whole mess of crazy.

    Hmm… sounds about right.

    Not pictured: the neglected cats who went hungry that day. MLIT

    Is that a dude in the middle of the pack? How is his dress able to hold up his gigantic balls?

    “Alright ladies, saaaaay crazy!

    Images via With Leather from Getty

  • Woman has a pee craving on TLC’s My Strange Addiction: Last Sunday was the season finale of My Strange Addiction and… oh look whatever THIS WOMAN DRINKS PEE.

    A woman who appeared on TLC’S “My Strange Addiction” is turning stomachs with her strange addiction — drinking her own urine in what she believes is a foolproof way to battle her cancer.

    The 53-year-old, identified as Carrie, says in a preview to the show that for the past four years, she has also washed her eyes with it, poured it in her nose using a neti pot and brushes her teeth in urine.

    “It tastes like water to me,” she told her friend. – New York Daily News

    I’m not one to tell cancer patients what they can and cannot do. I just can’t help but feel a little sick when I watch someone gulp down a glass of liquid waste. Or bathe in liquid waste. Or brush teeth with liquid waste. Or pour pee down in one’s nose using a neti pot. You get the picture… wait, what’s that you say? You think if she thinks pee is the elixir for her cancer woes then she should continue to use it to her heart’s content? That’s a noble suggestion there. I get it – when urine it, urine it to win it! Now I don’t have a doctrine in Urine Healthology – apparently I don’t have one in Urine Puns (That Makes Sense) either – but someone in the same article does, or at least know what they’re talking about.

    Most doctors doubt the practice’s health benefits, warning it can cause dehydration and can damage your body.

    “There are no health benefits to drinking your own urine, and in fact I think it could be quite detrimental,” Helen Andrews, of the British Dietetic Association, told the Independent. “Each time you put it back it will come out again even more concentrated and that is not good for health as it could damage the gut. If you are stranded, your body will try to conserve as much water as it can. Drinking your urine would be like drinking seawater.”

    The lesson: urine does not make the body good. You should not drink from your own urine unless you happen to be in a survival situation or if you’re a monkey because monkeys are cool.

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week

    You can’t go much further than “Cat Stuck in a Vending Machine” other than how it got in there and where to find a ringtone for the camera operator’s Brooklyn accented “meow.”

    In Michael Bay’s vision, the cat is an ostrich and the man is Shia Labeouf in a terrible accent.

    I’m into thickness, when it comes to women. More to play with. – Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)


    Couldn’t agree more with what Hamm is saying. Give me Hendricks over Hilton any day. I want to see a real curvy woman, not a stick figure with a body of a child. – Posted By: APrince66 (Guest)

    Double troof.

    “Speaking of welcome additions, here is Hulk Hogan in an alternative Mr. Nanny costume while singing to Lady Gaga. Because LARGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD OBVIOUSLY!”

    Why did I read that in a ‘Sterling Mallory Archer’ voice? – Posted By: Todd Vote (Guest)

    Because Archer’s voice is infectious. There is no known cure.

    Last word: Peyton Manning can go bleep himself.


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    Porfirio Diaz