Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 03.27.12: Hunger Games, Mad Men, Michael Bay, Kim Kardashian, More

March 27, 2012 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 143 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

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Without any further ado, here is…

  • Hunger Games murderfaced box office field; Twilight: This movie was everywhere (hunger puns: engage!) and with good reason: people liked it. People liked it a lot (replace “people” with “15-year-old girls and their parents” for clearer description). Hunger Games is currently enjoying an 85% tomato rating with a 95% audience-liked-it score but the biggest story was how much delicious money the film gleefully ate over the weekend:

    – $19.7 million from midnight screenings – highest ever for a non-sequel and seventh highest midnight total ever
    – $68.3 million from opening day – fifth-best opening day of all-time
    – $155 million weekend gross – third-biggest opening weekend of all-time, biggest non-sequel opening ever, and biggest for any film opening outside of summer
    – $59.3 million overseas
    – $214.3 million worldwide
    – Film made with $72 million budget
    – Already Lionsgate’s highest-grossing movie of all-time – done in just two days’ time

    GIF rendition of the offices at Lionsgate; via Mmm… The Simpsons Tumblr

    For those who hate Twilight, which I guess includes everyone reading this column right now, good news: Hunger Games slaughtered anything Twilight ever did for all of their weekend debuts. If we only have to put up with one intolerable craze it might as well be the one with all the teenage massacres. Oh, and the boatloads of sex and underage drinking behind-the-scenes.

    Battle Royale it may not be – or maybe it was if you are one of those people, myself included, although I didn’t participate in any Twitter obnoxiousness – but Hunger Games is here to stay. If the cards are dealt correctly, maybe we’ll see an American remake of Battle Royale and only then will we finally shut up about it.

  • Check out this awesome Dark Knight Rises LEGO Trailer: What more is there to say? Dark Knight Rises trailer. LEGOs. Dark Knight Rises trailer entirely made of LEGOs. I cannot explain it any further!

  • Jimmy Kimmel will host 2012 Emmy Awards: Kimmel to host this year’s Emmys? You mean he’ll be included in the rich long history of Emmy hosts such as *reads list* Johnny Carson, Conan O’Brien, Conan O’Brien again, and Bryant Gumbel Neil Patrick Harris? Now I’m interested. I think he’ll be good for the ceremony much like how he was good for The Man Show. That was such artistic programming. Lay it on me Hollywood Reporter.

    The comedian and host of ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! will host the 64th annual Primetime Emmy Awards, set to air Sept. 23 on ABC. He takes over the role from Glee’s Jane Lynch, who hosted last year’s kudofest on Fox, a network without an obvious late-night choice to put at the podium. The year prior, NBC slotted in its still-green late-night host Jimmy Fallon.

    “I hope to be able to do for the Emmys this year what Eddie Murphy did for the Oscars,” Kimmel joked, in a nod to the debacle in which Murphy pulled out of hosting this year’s Oscars after Brett Ratner, the producer who had selected him, left the show after making an anti-gay remark that was caught on tape. – Hollywood Reporter

  • I said it once and I’ll say it again: Scarlett Johansson on trampoline or ban! Also, bring in Adam Carolla as co-host because it’ll be great to watch someone who doesn’t give a fig.

    Or, if preferred, the entire ceremony can be about celebrities reading terrible tweets about themselves. I prefer a combination of both. And watch as the ratings soar.

  • Mad Men – the greatest 8-Bit Choose Your Own Adventure video game of all time (oh, and the show’s back too): Last Sunday marked the triumphant return of Mad Men. The season premiere has been building up and for a while looked like March 25th would never come. Thankfully between Jon Hamm’s turf war on Kim Kardashian, creator Matthew Weiner’s discontent with AMC’s decision to put the show on hiatus for the last eighteen months, and everything else Jon Hamm, we were given plenty of material to hold onto while the countdown of its return ticked by. The first episode in the last eighteen months finally aired last Sunday and high praises (high ratings too – highest ratings ever for AMC actually) were passed around. Glad to have you back Don Draper. Zooby zooby zoo.

    But the real reason for the blurb: Mad Men for 8-bit Choose Your Own Adventure PC Game of the Year! Throw out that PS3 console and play the latest crossover in 8-bit adventure gaming complete with NES quality music. The game picks up after the conclusion of Season 4, as you play Don Draper and his usual Draper-esque qualities. (“What do you want, Roger? I’m drinking!” “When aren’t we drinking?”)

    It’s a great way to kill some work time, it’s free, and your choices may allow you to shoot people. And everyone lived happily ever after.

    Credit: TheFineBros

  • A Fargo TV series on FX? It could happen: FX is one of the better networks on television. Fargo is one of the best movies of all-time (#122 on the IMDb Top 250 and #84 on AFI’s 100 Greatest Movies of All Time). The talks so far have been preliminary but there’s a chance the two entities could join together in holy matrimony.

    Is North Dakota ready for primetime? FX is eyeing a possible small screen adaptation of the 1996 Coen brothers’ pic “Fargo” with MGM Television.

    Sources stress that the conversations are in the early stages, and there’s no certainty a deal will come together. It’s not clear if the cabler and studio have a scribe in mind to handle the adaptation of the murder-mystery dramedy. – Variety

    I don’t know how they’re going to do it but a series built around the events of Fargo – or more likely around Marge Gunderson’s character – would be a welcome addition to FX’s already settler lineup. This wouldn’t be the first time Fargo has been resurrected as television material: Edie Falco starred as Gunderson for the 1997 pilot episode and was shown on the Brilliant But Cancelled series in 2003. If it was good enough once, I believe it can be good enough again.

  • Conan did an entire shore on a mini-set with Puppy Conan and Shaquille O’Neal: An Irishman, his puppy doppelganger, and a giant friendly retired basketball player all place themselves in a miniature version of Conan’s late night set. Mini desk, mini couch, mini everything.


    Suggestive location for Puppy Conan’s next appearance: empty kiddie pool with other celebrity puppies

    Dr. Shaquille is an anagram for RADISH QUELL. Take that however you like.

  • Stephenie Meyer’s The Host about sparkle alien eyes or blahthing: Twilight author Stephenie Meyer has a new movie, or more specifically there is to be a film adaptation made based on Meyer’s sci-fi series The Host – even more specifically means we’ll have to endure another round of her unwanted shenanigans.

    Well… here it is.

    “Gaze into the hypnotic power of my evil eye!”

    Spoiler: the trailer is about one girl, one eye, and one blink… uh, I think? Even so, she managed to display more charisma than Bella Swan ever did.

    This is the first I’ve ever heard of The Host. As a sign of fairness – little too late since it’s already in this section of the column but bear with me here – I won’t completely turd on this new movie just yet despite being taught to hate everything under the Meyer name. You can thank the Internet for that. Instead I’ll throw my curiosity over to anyone who has read the book series. Is it good? Is it worth pursuing? Does the book actually resemble under the category of literature instead of under pre-teen fantasy diary?

    I would investigate further on my own if I wasn’t already on much more infuriating cases – how to save money on toilet paper and how to draw a near perfect illustration of a comic book in Draw Something.

    Look at me I’m an artist!

  • Michael Bay-produced movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: So they’re not teenagers either? Marketing reasons they say. Just look at those angry faces over in our comment section.

    Taking out the “mutant” and now the “teenager” is only within the first stages of this Michael Bay biopic. What other horrors can possibly lie ahead? Will he turn our heroes into anthropomorphic costumed hot chicks like the ones you find on the Internet? *thinks* That’s not bad actually.

    I’m stunned? No. Mortified? That’s not it. Appalled? Nope. Hmm… I don’t seem to feel anything anymore. I suppose that’s what can happen when you take a beloved 28-year-old franchise with “a built-in audience, name recognition, and a story that clearly works” (on the other side, Rob. Sounds. Pissssssed) and entirely modify the whole series, the whole mythology, just so Michael Bay has a new toy to inject his convoluted ooze into and not realize it’ll tick off the whole nerd community who were once or still are die-hard fans while director Jonathan Liebesman, and co-creators Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird fight to defend their Bay-in-shining-armor from all warranted criticism and to wait until this ill-conceived movie takes fruition rather than base opinions on whatever ideas are carelessly thrown out.

    Numb. There’s the word I was looking for. I’m numb. Looking at more anthropomorphic costumed hot chicks will fix that.

    In lighter related news, we have our first prediction of what the Michael Bay-produced Ninja Turtles might look like. Faux hip hop slang, explosions, Boobs O’Plenty, AND Alien Robo Shredder?

    This contest is over. Give that man the $10000.

  • Hey look a teaser trailer for Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Not wanting to give up the title for all tween superiority, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, opening November 16th, came out with a teaser trailer that is actually a component of other smaller teaser trailers. The one posted on March 19 was 15 seconds long and has over 5.5 million views. The one posted here is 45 seconds long and is just as romantically strewing.

    Basic trailer summary: Bella can run fast, Bella has laser eyes, and Bella still has that blank expression to continue having low self-esteem girls put themselves in her place. And apparently she’s gone cold. Vampiric transformation or metaphor for lack of hanky panky down there?

    Ugh. At least Hunger Games has no problems killing off their characters.

  • Jersey Shore phasing out Snooki and Situation (YAY!) for a new generation of guidos (*record scratch*): It’s the rage that’ll never end: Jersey Shore has been renewed for a sixth season, two spin-offs are being filmed, and it won’t be long before a series of unfortunate mishaps happen to each of the cast member à la the nine All-Stars in Mr. Burns’ softball team. It already occurred to two of the reality show’s more prominent members – The Situation checked into rehab for substance abuse (“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” – MTV) and Snooki is preggers with a real fetus (demon spawn?) inside her stomach. No, I don’t think she ate it. Believe me, it’s in there and it’s not coming out until Snooki is free from all media exposure.

    (Poor baby is going to stay in there forever)

    Because of this turn of events, the producers of Jersey Shore want to look at new talent for their hit MTV show.

    MTV released a statement earlier this week — following news Sitch was seeking substance abuse treatment — claiming the network expects the entire cast to return for Season 6 … but sources close to 495 Productions tell TMZ, the production company is currently looking for new talent.

    According to sources, 495 desperately wants to keep things fresh (HAHAHAHAHA) — and folding in new castmates will help transition the show into a new generation … while still keeping old fans hooked.

    We’re told 495 plans to limit Snooki and The Situation’s roles on the new season — giving new cast members more screen time instead. – TMZ

    Not a problem for me boss.

    /drinks; parties; drinks more
    //sex in hot tub; fight in hot tub
    ///participate in celebration of tanning, hair gels, and fist pumps
    ////repeat every day, all day

    In all seriousness, I think we need to realize that Jersey Shore is never going away until MTV squeezes every last hair gel-drenched drop from its defecating corpse. Milk it. Milk it good.

  • Borat’s parody anthem rocks medal ceremony: A Kazakh athlete took home a gold medal at the Arab Shooting Championships in Kuwait – the same country WWF star Vader assaulted an early morning show host over whether wrestling was fake back in 1997. Usually the gold medalist is serenaded by their country’s national anthem during the official medal ceremony. Well the organizers got it half right: they did play the national anthem of Kazakhstan; however it was Borat’s parody anthem that was played instead.

    Ooooooooo. Kuwait, no.

    Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
    All other countries are run by little girls.
    Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
    Other countries have inferior potassium.

    Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool.
    It’s length thirty meter and width six meter.
    Filtration system a marvel to behold.
    It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.

    Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
    From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown.
    Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan.
    They very nosey people with bone in their brain.

    Kazakhstan industry best in the world.
    We incented toffee and trouser belt.
    Kazakhstan’s prostitutes cleanest in the region.
    Except of course Turkmenistan’s

    Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
    From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown.
    Come grasp the might phenis of our leader.
    From junction with the testes to tip of its face! – Borat-son

    To her credit, she took it pretty well. Her team, on the hand, didn’t take it as well.

  • Kim Kardashian got GOT (if “got” in this case means flour-bombed): Can you believe this is only the second incident where Kim Kardashian received noticeable publicity for being covered in white substance?

    Kim Kardashian was assaulted Thursday night by a woman (note: great woman or greatest woman?) who threw white powder all over her, and it was concerning enough to call out the fire department.

    Kim was at the London Hotel in West Hollywood for an event touting her new fragrance line, True Reflection. She was walking the red carpet when a woman threw the white powder at her from behind, covering her back and her hair. During the incident, the attacker shouted, “Fur hag.”

    Kim went to a private room, took the jacket off, brushed the powder off her hair and returned to the event. But the fire department had to examine the powder and deal with any possible danger.

    They determined it was cooking flour. – TMZ

    Is there any way we can give the female assailant a gold ribbon?

    This stuff was MADE for a Movies/TV Right nomination (“Seconded!” – Jon Hamm) (“Third!” – PETA) but obviously throwing unknown substance at people – even people as openly hatred as Kim Kardashian (check out TMZ’s comment section… on second thought, don’t) – is a wRongful act since, you know, it can be considered assault. But I know what I hate and I don’t hate this. I eventually placed the story under Ridiculous – one for the flour, two for the bizarre show, three for Kim’s initial reaction (“LOL all good in the hood ya’ll”), and four for whoever bought her fragrance.

    At least Kim got a kick out of the whole episode… er maybe not.

  • The “this” in “WTF is this?!” (skimpy costumed little girls dancing in a burlesque performance on Dance Moms) was removed off the air: Look out TLC, you have a new roommate and its name is Lifetime! Who can push the envelope the furthest? Who is king of small children mistreatment programming? You’ll just have to tune in and find out~!!

    The initial episode entitled “Topless Showgirls” aired two weeks ago. It was decided by the network to never air the episode again, in any form whatsoever. The content that has everyone up in arms is how a group of 8- to 13-year olds girls were taught to “simulate toplessness and perform a burlesque.” (Both links provide video footage; there is no actual nudity but still probably NSFW if uncomfortable child sexuality is not your or your supervisor’s thing)

    If you don’t have the willpower to watch the video (really I don’t blame you), here’s the summary: these girls performed with the illusion of being nude – they wore flesh-toned bras and covered themselves with giant pink fans – and were instructed with a simple message: dance like a man “can’t afford” you. I guess that’s a better way of saying it than “go out there and be an expensive whore.”

    Let’s put it this way – even the judges looked mortified. The parents did as well. Too bad they did nothing to stop it.

    Lifetime receives several points for pulling the episode off the air but then they were the ones who decided to air it in the first place. So, like, minus a million billion points right there. And the less I have to hear about someone’s little girl talking about “booty shorts” the better.

  • LOGO to run 24-hour Showgirls marathon for Aprils Fools’ Day: The Iron Giant gained massive cult status when Cartoon Network ran the film for an annual 24-hour Thanksgiving marathon in the early 2000s. Same for A Christmas Story, which ran its own traditional 24-hour marathon on Christmas Eve (on TNT and later TBS). Now everyone’s favorite camp drama Showgirls is taking on their own 24-hour marathon on April Fools’ Day. Boosh!

    Logo has programmed a “24 Hour Salute to Great American Cinema” for April 1. Translation: The network will play Showgirls 12 times in a row, starting at 6 a.m. ET. The only thing that would make this better is if the versions alternated between the film in its theatrical glory and its V.I.P. Edition DVD’s trivia track with insights, for example, about the time director Paul Verhoeven offered to give Kyle MacLachlan a “digital erection.” The actor wisely declined. – Entertainment Weekly

    You too can watch Elizabeth Berkley in all of her past glory 12 times in a row should you have nothing better to do. For your sake, I hope you do.

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week

    Here is it: the Cena-Rock equivalent of the greatest dog-duck battle of all time. This time it’s personal*.

    * – May not be all that personal.

    Luck was produced and written by DAVID fucking MILCH; The man that gave us Deadwood.

    He can kill all the horses he wants.

    Plus, it’s a race track, horses were going to die eventually, maybe not 3 so close together in a span of time it was bound to happen.

    The 24 producers need to take what fox will give them. I realize 24 itself was never cheap to make and Sutherland was a very highly paid television actor but the facts are, 24 is a cancelled TV show, the fact Fox was willing to give you any type of budget along with low 30 million being nothing to sneeze at they should have found a way to make it work and Mr. Sutherland needs to realize, by and large these days he’s a television actor he’s just not a 5 million movie star. 1 Million might be a little low but sometimes life is about compromise. – Posted By: Mister Mike (Guest)

    I don’t think David Milch has that kind of horse-killing immunity. Not yet anyway. Besides isn’t it best to avoid alleged mistreatments of horses so television’s version of the “instant ban” doesn’t rain on him?

    While the aforementioned low budget scenario is probably the best route to take at this point, the sad reality is no $$$, no 24: The Movie. Both sides don’t seem to want to let up from their initial settlement and therefore a golden opportunity will probably be missed because of it. That’s a shame.

    Luck definitely deserved to get canned. And bravo for a double dose of excellent Sarah Jessica Why The Long Face references. Can never go wrong with those.

    24 movie needs to happen, and happen now.

    Posted By: Commie (Guest)

    When are Sarah Jessica Parker jokes never OK? Answer: never.

    With the Turtles flick, they could have fun with the name. Have some kid being interviewed about the Turtles and call them “The Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles” not knowing they are aliens. Of cource, Ralph would be pissed. And when you remove yourself from the memories, if you were a kid and they were called “The Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles” all along, you would’ve thought that name was pretty cool.

    Is it just me, or does Depp in Dark Shadows kinda look like Jeff Davis from Whose Line is it Anyway?

    Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)

    I’ve had a full week to think about it. Maybe the thought is to introduce the turtles to alien ooze and therefore still become turtles. Maybe Bay grew tired of Earth explosions and wanted to try out some space ones. Maybe we should all take a step back and realize we’re all not 12-years-old anymore. The days when mutated turtle cartoons can influence our toy purchase decisions are over. Maybe we should check on our grown-up-responsibility-driven priorities.

    Maybe the conclusion to this unreal story is his plan after all.

    No. I can’t do it. The thought of Michael Bay blatantly ignoring common fact to push his wacky creative desire is too much to bear. He’s just the worst. “Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles” just doesn’t have the same ring, although “TANT” jokes will no doubt explode, if not already because hehe it sounds like “taint.”

    Oh, wait, it’s not even that anymore. It’s “NT.” I can’t make fun of that. What a buzzkill.

    I don’t think anybody is interested in seeing the Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles…go ahead make it, then watch it flop like John Carter. Who greenlights this garbage?

    Posted By: jaked (Guest)

    People who can afford mountains of cocaine (also called “The Murdercane” [no one but me is calling it that]).

    Between making the turtles “aliens” and the rumor that when “Green Lantern” was being written some retarded studio exec asked if the ring was “really necessary” I really have to believe that we may need an act of congress to keep idiots away from certain franchises. Screw healthcare… this is what our government needs to be working on. Also, I apologize if anyone suffering from legitimate mental retardation takes offense at being compared to a studio executive. I know that’s a low blow, and I hope you can forgive me.

    Posted By: WV4Life (Guest)

    I’ve never heard of that Green Lantern rumor before. If true, that’s a special kind of awful.

    And thanks to Diaz, I’ve learned that A DAMN HORSE is a better seller than John Cena. WOW.

    Posted By: Kyatollah (Guest)

    The horse took it better than most actually. As long as we’ve judging the measures of selling to movie horses, I’m proud to present another infamous horse-punching scene that John Cena might want to brush up on.

    Arnold also once knocked out a movie reindeer and two movie camels. The man just screams animal punch-drunkery, doesn’t he?

    So what’s the difference between a bunch of girls dressed as brides and a bunch of nerds dressed up as fat jedis?

    Posted By: Guest#7738 (Guest)

    Five words: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. If there was ever a time when he was needed, the Twihard bridal gallery would have been it.

    Triumph The Insult Comic Dog – Star Wars by ZaraV

    Last word: You know what else got murderfaced? My NCAA bracket. I have the tiniest of feeling that I’m not alone here.



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    Porfirio Diaz