Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 06.26.12: Amazing Spider-Man, Kristen Stewart, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Lindsay Lohan, More

June 26, 2012 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 156 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

Make sure to click the Facebook “Like”, Tweet button, and Google +1 links over there to the right of the article! Support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news. Follow me at my Twitter page:

Without any further ado, here is…

  • Early reviews for The Amazing Spider-Man is (mostly) positive: Did you ever get that feeling in the back of your head? The feeling that The Amazing Spider-Man would end up not… well, amazing? You can pretty much put those troubles to rest because the early reviews for the blockbuster flick are in and most of them are full of praise.

    You’re up first Jordan Mintzer:

    Just a decade after Sam Raimi’s original Spider-Man propelled the wisecracking, web-slinging teenager into the box-office stratosphere, launching a (some would say endless) wave of comic book blockbusters where visual effects tend to stand in for veritable character development, it’s encouraging to see Webb and screenwriters James Vanderbilt, Alvin Sargent and Steve Kloves build up a convincing Peter Parker origin story here, combining tongue-in-cheek high jinks with a more downbeat tale of childhood trauma and attempting to answer those viewers wondering why they ever did a remake in the first place. – Hollywood Reporter

    Must see status? Boyd Van Hoeij seems to think so:

    With the propitiously named Marc Webb at the helm and a solid screenplay, Sony’s reboot of its successful franchise, arriving five years after the last Sam Raimi-directed installment, is gratifyingly more of a drama-with-action than a nonstop assault on the senses. Benefiting enormously from the perfect chemistry of leads Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone, this superhero date movie should do boffo biz, though only strong word of mouth can confer must-see status. – Variety

    Kevin Harley thinks the film should have avoided the origin story but does know a good superhero film when they see one:

    Maybe Webb should have avoided the origin story and started with Spidey established. But he gets enough right to sign us up for a sequel, not least a thrilling climactic blast-off. The route there? Bit bumpy. Finally, though, Spider-Man re-begins in style. – Total Film

    Robbie Collin goes as far to say the superhero film is perhaps “Twilight in spandex,” which sounds more of an insult than it really is:

    “Ever since Twilight tipped off Hollywood to the spending power of girls and their mothers, a range of increasingly expensive films aimed at that audience has materialised. Perhaps it was only a matter of time before a superhero suited up with them in mind, although it remains to be seen how die-hard Spider-fans will react to their hero courting a different – some would say rival – demographic.” – Telegraph

    Here is Nick Curtis with the lone negative review to date:

    Webb’s film is slow on plot, skimpy on character development. It takes 45 minutes for Peter’s Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen) to be murdered, an hour till we see the spider suit. Then Peter goes from dorky to cocky without passing charm on the way. Brittle Gwen turns gooey the moment he turns up at school battered from fighting crime. So, chicks dig scars, right? – London Evening Standard

    Thus far, The Amazing Spider-Man has a 91% on the tomatometer. I think that means it’s safe to go see it without the guilt of lowered expectations.

    Some of the reviews did mention how the 3D hardly felt necessary but it really is a matter of opinion. Maybe this newly-released IMAX TV spot will help those wavering thoughts:

  • Happy 25th Anniversary Spaceballs: Can you believe the Mel Brooks comedy classic Spaceballs turned 25 last Sunday? June 24, 1987: the day Mel Brook cemented his legacy as one of history’s greatest parody king. He has others on the dock like Blazing Saddles (ranked #6 on AFI’s top 100 comedy films of all-time), The Producers (#11), Young Frankenstein (#13), and the not-often talked about Robin Hood: Men in Tights (I have a soft spot for this movie) but it is Spaceballs – a blender of science fiction spoofs which includes the original Star Wars trilogy, Alien, and Planet of the Apes – that goes hand-and-hand with the rest of his greatest works.

    Toofab has a slideshow of the cast from the 1987 release to what they look like today. Important note: Daphne Zuniga still looks amazing. Also, a special edition Blu-ray is being produced to commemorate the occasion. As for my part, I embedded this video:

    Unrelated note: Elmo probably hates Spaceballs (this joke will make sense once you go further down the column).

  • Chucky plans to make a killing in the straight-to-DVD market: It seemed like the Chucky franchise was forever dead but nope, talks of a reboot were discussed last March. The new direction called for the series to tone down the camp value last seen in Seed of Chucky and Bride of Chucky, and go back to its darker route from the first movie. Imagine, prime Chucky back on the big screen.

    Well good news and bad news. The bad news is MGM studios shot down any suggestion of a reboot. The good news is that Universal Home Entertainment is all-in with a direct-to-DVD sequel entitled Curse of Chucky. Gooder news: their plans to revisit Chucky’s darker glory (gory?) days will not change. Goodest news: Brad Dourif has been confirmed to voice the role of the infamous killer doll. Take it away Bloody Disgusting.

    In the fifth sequel, a family gathers for a funeral, only to be met with an insane bloodbath caused by the infamous Chucky. The question is: what is the “curse” the titles eludes to?

    As previously reported, the new sequel will be a throwback to the original Child’s Play trilogy, meaning less shenanigans and more bloodshed. Unfortunately, it looks like we won’t be seeing the busty and beautiful Jennifer Tilly in this one.

    The cast will include the characters Nica, Ian, Barb, Jill, Sarah and Father Frank. Nica is a young wheelchair-bound girl who receives the doll; Ian is the father and Nica’s brother-in-law suspicious his wife is cheating on him; Barb is a mean-spiritied and greedy woman, Nica’s older sister; Jill is the lead and is a nanny having a secret affair with Barb; Sarah is Nica’s mother whom commits suicide. – Bloody Disgusting

    I’m not going to deny that Hollywood is squeezing the ever loving teats out of a franchise yet again but perhaps the sixth entry in the killer doll series will help bring closure to those not satisfied with the events of the last movie – the one where Chucky settled down with a wife and kid and I think another kid. He just didn’t put the effort into his murderous schemes that he used to. Think Vegeta.

    While a straight-to-DVD sequel isn’t an ideal format the sequel does plan to disregard the films released after Child’s Play 3 and checkpoint right where the 1991 sequel left off. This means no Jennifer Tilly as Chucky’s wife and no demonic children. I’m sure I won’t lose sleep over it.

  • The Black Dynamite cartoon we desperately want is almost here: Here is the exclusive trailer for Adult Swim’s Black Dynamite. You cannot skip this part of the column as the video requires mandatory viewing. The trailer is only 60 seconds. You have time. I can tell you it’s better than what you’re seeing on television right now, maybe.

    “My grave, can you dig it?” Man, July 15th is so far away.

  • The ratings for Bristol Palin’s new reality series Life’s A Tripp! wasn’t all that trippin’: I don’t mean to laugh and point at other people’s misfortune’s but…

    Practically NO ONE watched Bristol Palin’s new reality series, Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp!

    The show, which debuted on Lifetime Tuesday night, only managed to scrape up 726,000 total viewers.

    You know what might have hurt it? Airing the show in the SAME timeslot at MTV’s Teen Moms! Not so smart, television for women! – Perez Hilton


    Although I wouldn’t call 726,000 total viewers “practically NO ONE.” I also wouldn’t think Teen Moms would be the lesser of two evils but there you go.

    (Wait, or is it really the other way around?)

  • This is the closest thing to a Deadpool movie we’ll get for the moment and it’s pretty great: Hollywood sure is taking their sweet sweet time making that Ryan Reynolds Deadpool movie. In the meantime, Bean Dip Productions have made their own adaptation titled Deadpool: A Typical Tuesday. Deadpool battles assassins. Deadpool hungers tacos. Deadpool counsels with yellow caption cardboards. I don’t want to say that this is better than whatever version Hollywood has in store for the Merc with a Mouth but… hmm, I can’t find myself finishing that sentence.

  • Kristen Stewart is the highest paid actress in Hollywood: Not a misprint, Kristen Stewart is Hollywood’s highest-paid actress. BRB guys. I’m off to dig a hole somewhere in hopes I can never come out. Or at least drown in fire.

    Studios are notoriously stingy when it comes to paying young actors for the first film in a planned franchise. Forget about the $10 million they would have had to shell out to get a big name — an up-and-comer is lucky to get $800,000.

    That changes dramatically when it comes to the third and fourth films in a series. Suddenly, the star becomes indispensable and the studio has to pay up. That’s why Kristen Stewart has vaulted to the top of our annual list of the highest-paid actresses in Hollywood.

    At this point, could anyone else play Bella Swan in Twilight? (Ed note: Me? If I freeze my face would anyone even notice?) Probably not; if the studio tried to switch in another actress, fans would revolt. (Oh those poor cats.) So for the last two Twilight films, Stewart has been able to demand an estimated $12.5 million per film, plus a share of the profits. – Forbes

    The full list, which was compiled between May 2011 and May 2012:

    1. Kristen Stewart, $34.5 million
    2. Cameron Diaz, $34 million
    3. Sandra Bullock, $25 million
    4. Angelina Jolie, $20 million
    5. Charlize Theron, $18 million
    6. Julia Roberts, $16 million
    7. Sarah Jessica Parker, $15 million
    8. Meryl Streep, $12 million
    9. Kristen Wiig, $12 million
    10. Jennifer Aniston, $11 million

    Forbes took into a considerable number of estimates: upfront pay, profit participation, residuals, endorsements, and advertising work. For some reason the list did not deduct agent fees or “the expenses related to being a celebrity” which I suppose is Hollywood code for “I used this pile of money to buy sixteen gold-plated horses with rocket-powered rims for hoofs.”

    In a way, Kristen Stewart as #1 makes sense. The Twilight franchise unquestionably helped but even her résumé before Twilight (Panic Room, Fierce People) and after (Snow White & the Huntsman) aided her into where she is today. But in a more subtle way, THIS IS MY LIP-BITTING FACE AND IT’S WORTH MORE THAN THREE JENNIFER ANISTONS SUCK IT! I’m going to start writing all of my columns with a disinterested and/or constipated approach. Maybe then I’ll get top-billing on the front page and stay there for the remainder of the week.

    Oh hey Cameron Diaz is #2. Positivity-licious.

  • The derp sound you heard over the weekend came from Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: “Review scores for all things median are terrible and should be banished to the planet of Endor,” is what I would be saying if it was true (because there is no planet Endor silly). There is a use in determining your expectations based on a cluster of critic’s percentile evaluation (“I have to watch The Amazing Spider-Man now that I know it reached over 90%!”) and then there’s the much simpler “I’ll be a judge of that” approach. To be frank, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was a disappointment both on a grading scale and on a box office one. The film opened with $16.5 million, below industry expectations of $20 million and over. You’d think a movie about one of America’s dear former presidents cross-fighting against a league of history’s greatest succubus – and on a budget of $69 million smackers – would have the public out of their La-Z Boy recliners and into the theaters. Oops. You might as well give it a Participation Ribbon to go along with its 3rd place finish.

    As for the critics: *slide whistle down*. That’s what they thought of this movie. Thus far Rotten Tomato has it staked at 37%. There is some hope though. The wide discrepancy between the critic and the audience score (75% liked it) gives out the impression that scores shouldn’t be the end-all be-all. Perhaps critics shouldn’t expect Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter to be a masterpiece built for a place on the Academy Awards list. Maybe critics should appreciate the silliness of an American hero with a vampire slayer double life. Then again maybe the film wouldn’t be so terrible if the movie was laced with a smidgen of tongue-in-cheek sauce. As 411mania’s own Trevor Synder would tell you, the movie wasn’t stupid enough and he could be right.

    I’ll be the judge of that.

    Awesome related content; via Topless Robot

    You know which other movie shared a similar fate at first? Spaceballs. I’m just sayin’.

  • Lindsay Lohan is acting like a dic… diva on the set of Liz and Dick, diva that’s what I meant: Fact: Lindsay Lohan gets 5% less talented every time 411mania creates a news post about her. This is done to determine how much she has left in the E tank and what would happen once it does reach empty. I figure the tank is near depletion, right?

    Lindsay Lohan is behaving like a diva on the set of “Liz & Dick,” and not getting along with her co-star, Grant Bowler, sources say.

    Beyond her well-documented rear-ending of a truck on the way to work on June 8, and her needing paramedics last week because she fell unconscious, Lohan often shows up two hours late to work and “rarely knows her lines,” one insider said.

    “The crew is fed up with Lindsay, because they have to spend so much time dealing with her diva antics and, in turn, trying to soothe Grant’s battered ego,” a source told Star magazine.

    Bowler was hired to portray Richard Burton at the 11th hour, just before filming started this month, because Lohan was demanding that Lifetime bring in a big-name leading man such as Gerard Butler, Robert Downey Jr. or even Brad Pitt.

    “She was delusional,” said one insider. “This is a made-for-TV movie. There’s no budget for a big star.” Lohan, biased against Bowler from the beginning, has “been so mean to Grant that her comeback is in jeopardy,” Star reports. – The Daily

    Oh oh but WAIT, there’s more:

    In addition to acting like a diva on the set of her film, Lindsay Lohan has a smoking habit too. Us Weekly says that Lindsay is smoking two packs a day on the set.

    According to a source, “Literally every time she finishes a scene she lights up another cigarette. You can hear the crew saying, ‘That’s cut — get a cigarette for Lindsay.’ “

    “In between takes she would sit on the director’s chair puffing on her cigarettes,” the source added. “Lindsay has been working hard, but without the nicotine she probably could not make it through as she appears stressed at times and they do seem to calm her down.” – 411mania

    “But her boobs are nice and that’s why they continue to hire her despite critical warning signs,” says anonymous crew member who only exists in my head. The sad part is that satirical quote is probably more truth than satire and that is muy sad. But other than the not really nailing down this whole Elizabeth Taylor bit, she really is nailing down this whole Elizabeth Taylor bit.

    *head explodes*

  • School kids brutally taunt elderly bus monitor: You probably heard the story on Karen Huff Klein, the 68-year-old bus monitor for the Greece Central School District in Rochester, NY who was verbally abused by four demon middle school children. You probably saw the video of a helpless Klein crying as the children carried on their mean-spirited onslaught. These are but a few of the worst excerpts that were directed towards her:

    – “She’s gonna pick out which kid she’s gonna rape next.”
    – “You touched her arm flap. It’s all stinky and smelly.”
    – “What size bra are you? Triple sag?”
    – “She probably eats deodorant because she can’t afford real food.”
    – “What’s your address so I can piss all over your door.”
    – The most damning one was when one of the little monsters suggested her kids commit suicide, not knowing that her son did in fact commit suicide 10 years ago.

    It was the evil parts of the Internet – all the troll bait, the inflammatory rabbles, the Keyboard Warrior tough-speak – raunchily thrown all in the undeserved face of one elderly bus monitor. All ensued by a bunch of foul-mouthed dipsh*t kids who deserve the worst punishment available.

    You can view the entire video below. All 10 minutes of it.


    For all the flack the Internet receives on account of being the Internet, this is the part where you can’t help but be so proud of it, as if you just want to immediately take it home and show it off to mama and probably move into a condo together. Some kind soul by the name of Max Sidorov set up a fundraiser in an effort to give Klein a temporary or permanent vacation depending on the amount raised. As of this writing, over $652,463 has been raised for Klein, well over the intended goal of $5,000. Permanent vacation it is.

    Of course we have to take into the account of the baffling fundraiser set up for the person who set up the Klein fundraiser in the first place and how people have pointed out the ineffectiveness of what Klein was paid to do. Yeah but… the kids picked on a little old lady. Doesn’t it trump everything else? Then there’s the ugly side of the Internet where the bully kids and their families are getting death threats and all that junk. I want these kids to be severely punished as much as you do but we have a due process for this kind of thing. Let them handle this one, Internet. You’re due process is making gratuitous Kate Upton GIFs and making sure Community stays on the air. Let’s stay on our side of the pool and keep it at that.

  • Miami Heat wins some title to end NBA season, some form of insanity ensures: King James wins the NBA title he has sought since the moment he was drafted, the Internet RIPs their King James ringless jokes in a virtual ditch, and Bud Selig drinks puppy blood from his jewelry-encrusted throne but no one seemed to noticed. It was that kind of a week.

    LeBron James and the Miami Heat earned their championship victory (and then there’s Eddy Curry) and exercised the demons off their backs, yet lost in the sea of LeBron wanking moments after the final buzzer of Game 5 was a South Beach celebratory saga of earthly delights. To summarize:

    – This is Chris Bosh. This is Chris Bosh in the best champagne celebration ever. Pop that bubbly Boshy boy. Pop it ‘til you’re full.

    The new gold standard of congratulatory excellence; via SB Nation

    – The Big 3 of James, Bosh, and Wade celebrated in the most Miami Heat way they could: rapping out with LMFAO. Not to be lost in the twilight of lights and broken spaceship music is LeBron’s vampire shirt. That would be so LeBron of him to wear an avatar of himself as a vampire but only because he can.

    – Before the start of the NBA Finals, two porn stars offered oral sex on all of their combined Twitter followers if the Heat won the championship. For free. Now you must be saying to yourself, “No way they’re going to follow through with it.” Don’t be too sure. Seriously, eww. If anything, I like their persistent. Builds character.

    – Taiwan’s Next Media Animation has their take about LeBron James’ harsh journey to the end season rainbow. What I took from it: LeBron enjoys playing DBZ Bowling with several players from the Oklahoma City Thunder as pins, M. Bison M. Jordan carries around a wagon full of comically-sized rings at all times, and Jesus does not abide to our goaltending rules. Seems about right.


    This has been a very important news break.

  • Jew-Hating Elmo kicked out of Central Park Zoo: The headline is only the beginning. It would be best to read the story and watch the accompanying videos because there are few words for me to describe how nutty this whole story is:

    The angry, “emotionally disturbed” Elmo impostor known to harass innocent New Yorkers in high-trafficked tourist spots is at it again, this time pestering visitors at the Central Park Zoo.

    The evil Elmo was spotted screaming obscenities while the NYPD carried the impostor out in an ambulance on Sunday.

    In 2009, he was caught hassling tourists strolling along in Times Square demanding they take pictures with him for cash. When refused, the impostor cursed them out. His rude behavior resurfaced in 2010. – Website

    As you can see, the clearly disturbed man in the Elmo costume does not like Jews. What kind of bro goes out decked in full Elmo attire and spews a bunch of hate speech about the Jews in a public park? No ElmBRO of mine, that’s who.

    In addition to screaming obscenities where children are largely present, he recommended The International Jew by Henry Ford to anyone within earshot, complained about the nuisance by Jewish costume companies, and shouted things like “If you start your own business in this city, Jews will harass you!” For such a ballsy dude, he sure did quiver quickly when confronted by the man in the white jacket covered in red polka hearts. Life on the (Sesame) street isn’t as wonderful as it looks. Elmo was then taken away in an ambulance, taken somewhere far far away, never to bother anyone again.

    The only thing missing from the ordeal was the high-pitched Elmo voice. A lost opportunity forever lost.

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week

    Whereas last week was a corgi barking along to “Call Me Maybe,” this week’s submission is sure to “awwwww” you even further into the dank pit of adorableness. Meet lion, who becomes best friends with dog and rabbit. Not only does the baby lion rebels against the natural order of the food chain – that’s right fight the system cuddy lion cub! – but he could very well pass as a role model for this generation’s Lion King. Then he’ll grow up and realize that everything he sees is meat chow. The Circle of Life indeed.

    I bought Game of Thrones on DVD today, because I’m not gonna let overreacting Republicans decide what I can and can’t watch on the other side of the world. 😛 – Posted By: Guest#2496 (Guest)

    That’s a much safer alternative than say, throwing batteries at them. They’ll view the attack as something something warmongering and they will not hesitate to shoot on sight!

    Samus Aran’s a kitty now? – Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)

    No but don’t tell 4chan about it. Oh please dear sweet Emma Stone don’t tell them about it.

    The same people up in arms over Bush’s head would have applauded, and called the other side over sensitive libtards if it was Obama’s head causing the stink.
    Lighten up folks…
    Cant we all just… get along…
    (probably to soon) – Posted By: APrince66 (Guest)

    Too soon. No pool time for you young man.

    So Spidersteiner? Huracanspider? Pretty cool either way.

    I’m actually looking forward to this more than Batman. – Posted By: demOcratic (Guest)

    I still choose Batman over Spider-Man but at this point it’s like choosing a basket of puppies over a basket of candy. You can’t go wrong with either one.

    Last word: Now this is an idea we can all get behind: a zombie infested 5K obstacle course race. Exercise, fresh air, and you can live out your life-long dream of living in a zombie apocalypse or becoming a zombie yourself. Can you find anything wrong with this movement? No, you can’t. There’s even a Sacramento Zombie Run for locals like me who want somewhat of a zombified experience outside of a Hollywood setting.

    Chances are I’ll be a zombie. 99.9% chance I’ll be a zombie.

    Two weeks ago, the capitol of California was infected with a devastating plague that turns the living into horrifying undead zombies. The virus, AD857, attacks the human blood and Neurological system and turns anyone that is infected by it into a flesh-eating Zombie. This dreadful virus has infected half of the Sacramento area’s population. It is transmitted through a Zombie caused puncture wound, whether it was caused by a bite, cut, gash or scratch it is 100% infectious.

    The Center for Disease Control has titled this plague in Sacramento as an epidemic and has set up quarantine at Miller Park to prevent the disease from spreading. It is urged that the unaffected population of the Greater Sacramento Area does whatever they can to get to the quarantined area safely. Do not stay locked up in your house hiding on the couch.

    This means you Ben Piper. And APrince66. And whoever else lives north of California.


    article topics

    Porfirio Diaz

    Comments are closed.