Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 07.03.12: Dark Knight Rises, Community, Katie Holmes, Anger Management, More

July 3, 2012 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 157 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

Hello, internet readers. We’re friends, right? I have to be honest with you – this column might not be the best thing you will read today. Or tomorrow. Or even next week. Last week I drove to Oregon (yay for 11-hour car drives!) to be a groomsman for my former college roommate’s wedding. The wedding – and the activities before, during, and after – turned out excellent and I had the fun of being important for it but my plan to prepare part of the column went up in smoke when I realized there was no additional time to work on it. I came home late Sunday night and decided sleeping until noon Monday was the way to go. My sincerest apologies.

I will say this: for those of you in the Portland area and have not yet eaten at the Brazil Grill restaurant, I recommend it. The place carries a load of desirable fancy meat (given to you by small portions on a nonstop routine until you want no more) and not much else. Go!

Make sure to click the Facebook “Like”, Tweet button, and Google +1 links over there to the right of the article! Support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news. Follow me at my Twitter page:

Without any further ado, here is…

  • The action-packed Dark Knight Rises preview from the MTV Movie Awards has finally slinked its way to the Internet: This is the footage that appeared during the recent MTV Movie Awards. Of course few watched it and the rest of the dignified populace shambled online for the bootleg versions. They were immediately taken down and left the community with lost hope.

    But now Warner Bros has put forth the official release to be seen by all and my oh my is it ever actiony. Speaking of rising: nerd boner, engage!

  • There is going to be a movie that will have Batman and Superman appear together for the first time ever on the big screen albeit in LEGO form: I have long determined that anything associated with LEGOs or built with LEGOs automatically makes it cool. Such words speak true of the recent video game release of Lego Batman 2: DC Super Heroes which includes LEGO Superman and a host of other LEGO DC characters from the same universe. I would have been OK with just that and have been left satisfied. Now word is that Batman and Superman – in LEGO form of course – will make their long-awaited onscreen debut together in a movie entitled Lego: The Piece of Resistance and is expected to be released in theaters on February 24, 2012. Writers slash directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller (21 Jump Street) and co-director Chris McKay (Robot Chicken) have started to assemble a voice cast that may have Will Arnett as LEGO Batman and Magic Mike star Channing Tatum as LEGO Superman. I have yet to determine the emoticon needed to response towards the news of Tatum as Superman. Oh wait I got it:


    I’m hangover with excitement. You know who’s not? Warner Bros. Justice League or whatever Batman-Superman hero-plex they had in the works will get beat to the punch by a bunch of LEGOs, and that’s sad.

    Chris Pratt (Parks & Recreation) is already on board as the voice of the film’s protagonist named Emmet:

    Pratt will play Emmet, an ordinary, law-abiding, rules-following, perfectly average Lego mini-figure who is mistakenly identified as the most extraordinary MasterBuilder. He’s drafted into a fellowship of strangers on an epic quest to stop an evil tyrant from gluing the universe together, a journey for which he is hopelessly and hilariously underprepared. – /film

    So it’s going to be akin to the “Road to the Multiverse” episode of Family Guy or the Fairly OddParents movie Channel Chasers? I can get down with that.

  • Chevy Chase and the Community gang will officially return next season: Chevy Chase stayed noncommittal when asked whether he would return for Community’s Dan Harmon-less fourth season. Well happy news (I think): he will be present for the upcoming season and, as Deadline reports, so will the the entire cast.

    Will the closeness of the cast make up for Harmon’s absence? Will there be a fifth season? Will the fourth season turn into The Best of Chevy Chase? Is Alison Brie not the creator of the most bait-able GIF moments of our generation?

    Images via In Case of the Darkest Timeline
  • The new Total Recall trailer has SFW visual confirmation of the thrice boob hooker: Here are the most important points when talking about the new Total Recall trailer:

    1) Is a Total Recall remake (still) really necessary?

    2) Chick with three boobs

    Cycle the list twice. The answer to the first question should change after reading the second point. If not, well then you are a party boober…err, pooper.

    For an added jolt of Total Recall, here is the shot-for-shot (mostly) trailer comparison between the 1990 version and the 2012 version.

  • Anger Management does fantastic ratings; may not be all that fantastic for the rest of us: It wasn’t that long ago when Charlie Sheen made America fall in love with him on the hit TV show Two and A half Men before stumbling off the show and into a national phenomenon of hooker bait, cocaine inflation, and insane but quotable catchphrases. He rode the success of being a celebrated goon into a ton of interviews where the public looked at him as the crazed narcissist that he is and into a road tour show that was met with mixed results. Fast forward to today, Sheen has made his debut on his new show Anger Management. It scored over 5.5 million viewers. Apparently Sheen can still pack them in and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

    The series premiere of FX’s “Anger Management” delivered 5.5 million viewers, making it the most-watched series premiere in the network’s history. The second episode grew to 5.7 million viewers — a very good sign. Among adults 18-49, the show delivered 2.7 million viewers for its debut, then another 2.9 million viewers for Episode 2. Anger Management was also the most-watched scripted comedy series premiere in cable history if you exclude children’s programming. – Entertainment Weekly

    Now I haven’t watched the show yet so I can’t really comment on the quality of its debut episode. I do know the show is accompanied by a laugh track, which seems out-of-place for FX. But this isn’t about how the episode turned out – if you need to know, the debut of Anger Management scored an average score of 44 out of 100 on Metacritic – this is about how the viewership the show brought in. It’s no secret that people tuned in for the morbid curiosity that is Charlie Sheen and his return to television but to thoroughly trounce the second season debut of Wilfred (2.5 million viewers) and the third season of Louie (1.4 million viewers) is almost sacrilegious.

    But I guess the biggest problem I have with Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management success is Charlie Sheen himself. As a performer, he’s fine. As a dolt who spews out ridiculous quotes, he’s fine. As a drug user and party-to-the-11 animal, he’s not fine. Ditto as an awful person – which he was before and after the events of his childish exit from Two and a Half Men – yet he is still admired and rewarded for it. Charlie Sheen is a creep. He knows he’s a creep. America knows he’s a creep. Despite that fact, people tuned in to see how much of a creep he was on his new show. Perhaps the nation is not yet tired of his self-aggrandizing stunts or perhaps they wanted to give his show a chance. It doesn’t stray from the fact that a large audience continues to compensate him for being a giant turd.

    Maybe I’m making a huge deal about nothing. Maybe I was part of the problem when I helped christened Sheen as the wacky king of pop culture and supported his complexities once he was fired from Two and a Half Men. Maybe this is actually a good thing: the lead-ins can receive a boost in viewership thanks to a national interest and it can allow FX to keep airing Archer, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Justified, and all the other quality programming without the fear of financial or ratings instability. Maybe the previous paragraph was all crazy talk. We’ll see how the ratings turn out next week. In the meantime oh hey Major League is on.

  • Aaron Sorkin is the massive condescending butthole who talked down to a female reporter; haughty called her “internet girl”: Aaron Sorkin knows how to produce a television show. If anything a television show that people want to talk about. His new HBO show, The Newsroom, has been met with both praise and viciousness. I have yet to watch the first episode (I’ve been away people!) but it is available on YouTube (found here). Now then, the main piece: Aaron Sorkin is a massive condescending butthole.

    Toronto Globe and Mail writer Sarah Nicole Prickett met with Sorkin for an exclusive interview about The Newsroom but right from the start turns into an awkward session of uptightness and arrogance – all from Sorkin.

    I had to watch the show twice just to believe (a) how good that script was and (b) how incredibly convinced of its goodness, in every sense of “good,” it was.

    Hence, my first question starts, “I watched the pilot twice … ” But I don’t get to the question part because Sorkin looks as if he wants to say something. I invite him to do so, and he asks, “Because you liked it so much the first time, or because you didn’t understand it the first time?”

    Oomphf. Like I stated before, we’re off to a fantastic start. But no, let’s get to the part we all want to read:

    “Listen here, Internet girl,” he says, getting up. “It wouldn’t kill you to watch a film or pick up a newspaper once in a while.” I’m not sure how he’s forgotten that I am writing for a newspaper; looking over the publicist’s shoulder, I see that every reporter is from a print publication…I remind him. I say also, factually, “I have a New York Times subscription and an HBO subscription. Any other advice?”

    He looks surprised, then high-fives me. Being not a person who high-fives or generally makes physical contact with interview subjects, I look more surprised.

    “I’m sick of girls who don’t know how to high-five,” he says. He makes me try to do it “properly,” six times. He also makes me laugh; I’m nervous, and it’s so absurd. He loves it. He says, “Let me manhandle you.” Then he ambles off, hoping I’ll write something nice, as though he has never known how the news works, how many stories can be true. – The Global and Mail

    What a total fart sniffer. Almost makes me want to not watch The Newsroom for his misogynist attitude of staggering proportions (I do want to watch it eventually to see and participate in the whole fuss). Drew Magary is right – Aaron is the worst.

    Images and more via Hey Internet Girl Tumblr
  • There may be a chance the fallout from the Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise divorce will increase by 1000%: I leave to play as one of the groomsmen for a wedding. In the same time area, Katie Holmes files for divorce from Tom Cruise. Coincidence?!

    So far it’s been a mere couple of days since Kate Holmes ended her five-year marriage to her noticed couch-hopper Scientologist husband. Get used to it because you are going to hear a lot of it. TMZ has maintained round the clock coverage on the chaos, as per examples:

    – The initial report: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes divorcing. OK, that’s standard. Celebrities divorce all the time.

    Reports said that Katie was the one who filed for the divorce. She’s been in an effort to gain full custody of her daughter Suri. Cruise was “blindsided” by the move. We are still in the perfectly acceptable newsworthy zone. No problems here.

    – Katie Holmes divorces Tom Cruise over Scientology reasons as she did not want Suri deep into the church. Well OK we still haven’t reached the breaking poi…

    – Katie Holmes files for divorce in New York because California is smelly or some reason like that. Now I’m starting to ge…

    – Katie Holmes and Tom Cruises have been sleeping apart leading up to divorce!! I’m starting to reach the breaki…

    – Katie Holmes feels scientology is watching her! As per this statement:

    “I really feel like the church is watching me
    And I have no privacy oh o oh
    I really feel like they’re all watching me
    Tell me is it just a dream”

    Statement from Scientology: Katie Holmes is a liar. And now we are past the point of no return.

    – 94 new posts later and I have lost my will see straight. Caution: they are still not done. Oh joy.

  • Fouled mouthed teddy bear and male strippers top box office charts: Now there is a sentence I thought I would never see. Seth MacFarlane’s better-than-I-expected-movie-debut grossed $54.1 million out of 3,239 theaters and was the big winner of the weekend. Ted was good enough to earn third-best debut for an R-rated comedy, falling behind the weekend openings of The Hangover Part II ($85.9 million) and Sex and the City ($57 million). I’m sure there are many people who grew tired of the repetitive jokes and self-aware pandering on Family Guy but MacFarlane’s shtick turned out to be a major money bear-er in the movie market. Brian from Family Guy + teddy bear = profit.

    What’s goin’ on on this side? (The side with male strippers yo) Magic Mike finished #2 on the box office list but don’t view it as the first place loser as it is: the Channing Tatum-strip-a-holic vehicle earned $40 million in its first weekend although I imagine most of the gross came from the college girls and horny MILFs who threw crumpled singles at the screen. But know this: the film was budgeted at only $7 million, which makes Magic Mike’s weekend much more impressive than the $50-million-budget Ted.

    Yes, he’s doing exactly what you’re thinking; via Film Drunk (full NSFW version here)

    I have to be honest, I expected Ted and Magic Mike to bomb. I expected the moviegoer to have little to no patience with a predictable bromedy like Ted. Ditto Magic Mike and what I imagine to be incredibly awkward gyrating scenes. I was wrong – both turned out to be bona fide hits. Never has there been a weekend in which two R-rated films grossed more than $21 million apiece. Cray! MacFarlane’s first try shined and Channing Tatum continues to be a real honest-to-goodness box office draw. No longer should a man be ashamed if he gets dragged to see Magic Mike by the GF/wife, if for no other reason they’ll come back home ready for an Olympic bone-a-thon session.

    Even if we can’t agree on the quality assurance of Ted and Magic Mike, can we at least agree That’s My Boy is awful ($4.3 million debut with a $16 million budget) and should continue to be ignored so hopefully Grown Ups 2 dies a quick death? America is not going to put up with your nonsense anymore Adam Sandler.

    Even more ridiculous: Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection earned third place with a $26.3 weekend gross on a $20 million budget. Tyler Perry > Adam Sandler? I guess that’s the world we live in now.

  • The Hot Wheels Double Loop Dare stunt was a complete success: The news of Tanner Foust and Greg Tracy’s attempt at a record-breaking stunt at the Summer X-Games in Los Angeles seemed crazy: a 60-foot-tall vertical loop made from 125 tons of steel modeled after the tracks of a Hot Wheels toy? Crazy. They accomplished the feat over the weekend and became the first two people to race two cars through the loop. Still crazy.

    Crazy as in “crazy awesome.”

  • The greatest WTF lawsuits of all-time involve Kim Kardashian, sex tapes, Charlie Sheen, Al Qaeda, unicorns: Brief synopsis: two West Virginian men have filed lawsuits against Kim Kardashian. Not a big deal right? Well not when one is claiming that Kim Kardashian secretly works for Al Qaeda and the other swears he heard farm animals and Charlie Sheen over in the next room where Kim, Kris Humphries, and Myla Sinanaj were making a sex tape.

    The other suit, filed by plaintiff “Jonathan Kimberly,” tells the harrowing tale of a simple man who just wanted to get some sleep — but the celebrities in the room next door to his (room #69, of course) were making too much noise. “I heard a bunch of banging, and sounds of sheep,” the suit reads.

    When Kimberly went to the door to request that his neighbors keep it down, he saw through the peephole (which was apparently installed backwards?) that Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, and Myla Sinanaj were inside, making a sex tape as “sheep, two goats, and a unicorn” looked on.

    Kimberly, naturally, assumed the animals were “witnesses.”

    I’m having Animal Farm by George Orwell flashbacks and if the book is similar to the allegations in the suit, then I would suggest running in one direction and never looking back.

    He also saw an E! logo on the camera filming the action, and Kardashian injecting steroids into Humphries’ arm, telling him, “I’m going to juice you up baby for the Nets season.” Sinanaj, meanwhile, was “bobbing her head up and down with a voodoo doll in her hand and rosary beads.”

    Kimberly shouted through the door that he was trying to get some sleep. And that’s when things got, um, “real.”

    As if things couldn’t get more, um, “real” but you’re in for a surprise. We’re just getting started here folks.

    Kris went irate on steroid rage, ripped the door open, dragged me into the room, put a shot gun to my head that he got from Nets player Jayson Williams, and forced me to watch the 3 defendants have sex with one another for 5 hr’s against my will…. Myla hit me with RC Cola can. Kimberly forced me to watch E! network Keeping Up With the Kardashian reruns on the hotel tv for 6 more consecutive hr’s, I defecated on myself, barnyard animals snipped at my feet, Chris is laughing at me like the Jolly Green Giant … Then a knock on the door, Kim Kardashian opened and it was Charlie Sheen who had a bag full of ecstasy and set [sic] “Lets get this party started.”

    That’s ridiculous – who watches six consecutive hours of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and lives to tell about it? Also, this proves that RC Cola can somehow make a story better.

    The other lawsuit isn’t as hot and spicy but I’ll let you decide for yourself:

    A Brooklyn man “stumbled upon” Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Kris Jenner, Bruce Jenner, Khloe Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian at an Al Qaeda training camp in the West Virginia mountainside, where they burned the American flag and where West performed a concert for all the terrorists at the camp

    Let me assure you these two points: 1) these stories were not made anywhere in the state of Florida or even Ohio (I double checked to make sure) and 2) this story is not a copy-and-paste job from the Onion.


    “They all drank Jim Jones juice and then the defendants got shovels and were digging coal and fracking at mines in West Virginia to get fuel to make weapons of mass destruction and Kris Jenner was enriching uranium,” the suit said.

    This part is true except in my version the mass destruction is a pop-cultural-based attack, has very little to do with uranium, and has a lot more to do with the people involved in this story. And Jim Jones juice is no RC Cola I can tell you that much.

    Plaintiff “Gino Romano” also claims that all of the Kardashian’s earnings are going to Al Qaeda. And that Kanye is the leader of the Chicago street gang El Rukn. And that Kim Kardashian will launch a selection of veils for her clothing line. And that Khloe Kardashian tried to behead Romano. – Miami New Times Blogs

    Congratulations West Virginia. You have successfully out-crazied Florida for a day. Take a bow.

  • Gratuitous Adorable Animal Video of the Week

    This baby alpaca represents the feelings of everyone working in cubicles after lunch. Or in the morning. Or near the end of the shift. Or…

    The zombies are hungry for BRAINS! Don’t worry Porfirio, you’re safe.

    Posted By: BenPiper (Registered)

    Oh, I wasn’t talking about ME being the one safe.

    No the most funniest moment in Spaceballs is the ship getting ready for ludacris speed. Also I have a friend and just found out-my wife have not seen this movie…I need advice on how I handle (I said handle-haha) this situation.

    Posted By: Rob (Guest)

    if you don’t have a copy, the quickest and easiest situation is Amazon. $3 bucks for instant video and nearly $9 for a DVD copy. If you do have a copy, tell the wife your plans for a dinner and a movie. The catch: you’re making the dinner and the movie, well I don’t need to tell you. Or, you know, just suggest watching Spaceballs and see if she’s willing.

    If all else fails, break her spirit until she gives in and watches the darn thing. After all, 4 out of 5 marriage counselors recommend Spaceballs for a healthy marriage.

    For those kids that brutally hurt that womans feelings, I’m sure there are enough kids there that didn’t and could easily take care of the problem.

    Posted By: MAC (Guest)

    This is why a real life version of The Magic School Bus will never happen. Forget the impossibilities of a school bus taking blissfully naïve children to dangerous locations with the power of imagination. The reason is because school children are Macaulay Culkin from The Good Son.

    Chris “The Money Shot” Bosh?

    Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)

    That or Champpaggin Climax.

    “reviews did mention how the 3D hardly felt necessary”

    When has 3d EVER felt necessary?!?!?!!?

    It’s just a gimmick to sell a ticket for $3 more for the privilege of sporting dorky glasses and a headache afterward.
    James Cameron should be flogged with Avatar Alien Tails for releasing such an idiocy on the unsuspecting public.

    2d vs 3d? I always choose good ol’ flat screen with vibrant colors. – Posted By: demOcratic (Guest)

    I’m not going to argue against that but like you said, 3D sells, and will continue to sell until it can sell no more. Some movies do benefit from the 3D technology more than others. In The Amazing Spider-man’s case, all the reviews I have read mention how there is almost no benefit in spending more for a 3D ticket despite the hype about it. Conclusion: you won’t be missing much if you decide on 2D and will only feel the despair of money being thrown away should you choose the other route.

    Bud Selig is the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.

    David Stern is the Commissioner of the NBA. – Posted By: Just Saying (Guest)

    l don’t how that one got slipped past me. I suck. No more Rice Krispies Treats cereal for you, brain cells!

    Last word: I have lived in California for almost my entire life and grew up with the rationale that you, the driver, was accountable for pumping your own gasoline. Then I made the trip to Oregon and watched as OTHER PEOPLE were made to do it for me. I felt like a king and it felt good. THEY ALSO HAVE CHEAPER GAS AND NO SALES TAX TOO BY GAWWWWWW.

    They might have this whole “being a suitable place to visit” thing down. As a state, we underrate Oregon.


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    Porfirio Diaz