Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 12.04.12: Justice League, Wonder Woman, X-Men, The Hobbit, More

December 4, 2012 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 179 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

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Without any further ado, here is…

  • So the Justice League movie has themselves a villain: So it feels like this Justice League is going to really really really happen now that they have a villain in mind. His name is Darkseid, and that’s pretty awesome. He also looks like this:


    And this is what he plans to do for the movie:



  • Wolverine and friends are in negotiations for X-Men: Days of Future Past (Alternative headline: GET EXCITED YA’LL!!111): X-Men: First Class turned out good, right? So good it deserves a sequel, right? I think so. X-Men: Days of Future Past became that sequel. Then Bryan Singer, director of the first two X-Men movies, became that sequel’s director. Then in an announcement made earlier in the week, prequel stars James McAvoy, Michael F. Assbender, and Jennifer Lawrence became the reprised roles for that sequel. Same goes for the return of original stars Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen. And just as I had finished waving my hand back and forth to fan myself, the announcement to include Wolverine for the recently became sequel was made. I remain unconscious to this very day. I even came out of it to tell you about it.

    And that’s how a clunky paragraph made me forgot about Brett Ratner.

    Sources confirm that Hugh Jackman is in negotiations to reprise his Wolverine role in the movie, which is ostensibly a sequel to X-Men: First Class but will prominently feature actors from the first X-Men trilogy (the first two of which Singer directed).

    Days of Future Past is a classic storyline that unfolded in two issues of Marvel Comics’ Uncanny X-Men in 1981, from writer Chris Claremont and artists John Byrne and Terry Austin. The story was partially set in an alternate future where surviving mutants have been penned in concentration camps, giant robots called Sentinels patrol America, and most of the X-Men have been hunted and killed. In the present day, the X-Men were forced to stop a key event from unfolding in order to keep that future from occurring. – THR

    *still temporary unconscious, though I can tell you I’m really excited about it*

  • Let’s all give the Wonder Woman TV show another chance, shall we?: Because mark my words, a Wonder Woman TV series is going to happen, even if the show creators have to spend every ounce of their money and offer a virgin sacrifice to the volcanos to do so.

    So, yeah, CW wants to create their own Wonder Woman TV show. I’ll start contacting the Jonas Brothers and see if one of them is still good for a mild lava bath.

    To all actresses in their early to mid-20s who are 5’8″ or taller — you may be TV’s next Wonder Woman. I’ve learned that Warner Bros TV, the studio behind the CW drama project Amazon, has hired casting directors Barbara Fiorentino and Danielle Aufiero to launch a search for the lead in the project in anticipation of a potential pilot pickup. A breakdown for the role has been released, providing a glimpse into the Tarzan-like fish-out-of-water premise and the central character of the Wonder Woman origin story written by Allan Heinberg that chronicles the female superhero’s life as a young Amazonian, before she becomes a warrior princess with super powers.

    On the breakdown I’ve obtained, her name is Iris (not Diana). “Iris comes from a remote, secluded country and until now has spent most of her life as a soldier and a leader on the battlefield. Because of relentless brutality of her life at home, Iris looks at our world with absolute awe and astonishment. She’s delighted ¬and just as often horrified ¬ by the aspects of everyday life that we take for granted: skyscrapers, traffic, ice cream. It’s all new and fascinating and sometimes slightly troubling ¬to her. Iris is completely unschooled in our world, our culture, our customs. And she’s completely inexperienced at interpersonal relationships. She has no social filter, does not suffer fools, and tends to do and say exactly what’s on her mind at all times. She’s bluntly, refreshingly honest. She can tell when you’re lying to her. And she doesn’t have time or patience for politics or tact because she’s too busy trying to experience everything our world has to offer. There are too many sights to see ¬and things to learn ¬and people to care for. Hers is a true, noble, and generous heart. And she will fight and die for the people she loves. Iris is a fierce warrior with the innocent heart of a romantic ¬and she will fight to the death to make the world safe for innocents and true romantics everywhere.” – Deadline

    If you noticed her name is Iris and not Diana, never fear – writer Allan Heinberg confirmed that Iris is a code name used to avoid attention. Sooooo it didn’t work?

    I can understand CW’s desire to want another Smallville-esque success story in combo with their rising hot Arrow TV show. A quick glance at the synopsis suggests Amazon will be, as Topless Robot puts it, “a Brundleflyian fusion of the worst elements of Lois & Clark: The Adventures of Superman and Sex & The City.” Wonder Woman be fightin’ crime and shoppin’ y’all! Her night will always end with a bowl of ice cream and 2 Broke Girls on the tube.

    I’ll admit the script isn’t the most Amazonianist as far as comic book stories go, but then I am in like with Wonder Woman and want her to finally grab the brass ring of cable television. We can also have fun picking and choosing the next CW-level actress to play as the lead. My choice still remains Gina Carano. I don’t care if she’s not within the tight mid-20s range and over 5’10. She is my home girl and I will dare not let you talk wicked ill about her!


    Second option: Kat Dennings. She seems nice.

  • 41 seconds of the The Hobbit and a music parody – REVEALED: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is out in the few weeks? That’s great and all but…psst…I know how much you like it *whispers* so I have just the thing for you Hobbit lovers out there…a sneak peek from the actual movie. I know I know but this is some high quality stuff right here I’ll tell you what and you’ll hardly even remember what happened afterwards. At least you won’t once I drop this comical-looking mallet on you. Oops I mean what comical-looking mallet?

    No animals were harmed in the making of this video. (Beside the ones after production *cough*)

    And for good measure, you can listen to The Hobbit parody music video set to LMFAO’s “Shots.” A little hobbit drinking here and a little hobbit trickery there, and boom everything is kept real.

    Boy, they sure do say shots a lot.

  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt is not going to be Batman in the Justice League because JGL’s representatives told us so, hate fun: At first I was like OMGZ Joseph Gordon-Levitt is absofreakinlutely totes to be Batman in Justice League movie! Then I was like AWW WTF JGL’s representatives have refuted the rumor entirely? LAME.

    Source: JGL’s representatives also love to punt puppies into the ocean. For no reason.

    I’m always down for more JGL, but slotting him as the new Batman? Not stupid at all! Of course the ending of Dark Knight Rises made a huge fuss about how his character John Blake has Robin for a first name, and as far as nerd law is concerned, you just don’t make the jump from Robin to Batman, except the time Dick Grayson did it for a little while in Batman: Reborn before becoming Nightwing again.

    By the way, JGL as Nightwing will work for me too. Skip Robin, go straight into Nightwing.

    While Nolan did leave the DKR ending open-ended for interpretation, it’s not hard to figure out what he had in mind when he left JGL, future Batman for hire, with the Batcave. Of course this would all depend on canonization and whether they want to rope the Man of Steel franchise along for the ride. Perhaps establish the connection in a Marvel-esque post-credits sequence for the upcoming Superman movie? Oh man, I believe a second inhaler is in order for me here.

    But sadly those dream bubbles – basically everything said up this point – have been put in the recycle bin for now. And there is still three more years of wheezing rumors before the whole movie is finalized. I want a Justice League as much as the next reader – I personally don’t care if the film is canonized in the Nolan universe or not as long as the movie is, you know, good – but I am not looking forward to the barrage of rumors that’ll surely create the next deadly dandruff storm of the certain decade.

    The condensed version of the blurb:

    Original image via
  • Twilight & Killing Them Softly loved, unloved by box office, respectively: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (Sometimes With Hyphen Sometimes With Nothing) Part 2 held the top spot at the box office for the third time in a row ($17.4 million) over new challengers Killing Them Softly ($7 million) and The Collection($enough to buy two loaves of bread). Either one of two options is going to happen for Twilight: the franchise is going to make so much money that the studio and Stephenie Meyer will happily retire with their expensive flying cars and the world’s last supply of Twinkies, or they figure to continue to suckle at its proverbial teat with a rebooted series of movies and keep the vicious cycle going until a peak of euphoria washes over everyone 10 years later. Then they make more movies because every time a dead horse is beaten an angel brings them a bucket full of a million dollar bills and sighs at the state of humanity. Guess which one is more likely to happen.

    Poor Brad Pitt. The man tries so hard, and yet despite scoring over 70% on Rotten Tomatoes, Killing Them Softly will end up with a failing a big failed pile of fail. The good news: the film only cost $15 million to make and still had a better opening than The Assassination of Jesse James, the last Pitt-director Andrew Dominik collaboration. Not just a better opening but a better theatrical run! Positivity! Nowhere to go but up.

    No one cared about The Collection and I figure you don’t too.

    On a related note, Skyfall is still a massive success. I wanted to point it out so you could go see it again. Better than the alternatives.

  • Lindsay Lohan is having quite the week, isn’t she?: *goes to 411mania Movies/TV news section*

    *CTRL + F*

    *types in “Lohan”*

    *counts number of searches in terms of news posts found from 11/26/12 to 12/3/12*

    Final number: 17. This is the (approximate) number of news posts regarding Lindsay Lohan that exists within the inner lodes of 411mania in the past week. Honestly I thought it’ll be higher. That’s not even mentioning my Liz & Dick review. Oh? Did you not read about my review on the hilariously terrible Lindsay Lohan Lifetime Looksee? Now is your chance. Good ahead. I can wait.

    Dot dot dot dot dot

    Glad to have you back.

    Lo-Lo has been keeping it difficult for the newsflash spotlight to stay off her lately. Here is a list that Lohan has been involved with in seven days:

    – Got upset over Liz & Dick criticism when she said she wasn’t going to read any reviews
    – Blames script
    – Punched a fortune teller, called her a “f**king gypsy”
    – Arrested for punching a fortune teller
    – Called her lesbian fling a phase
    – Was scheduled to be charged with three different crimes, not including the fight
    – Was helped by Charlie Sheen of all people in regards to her crippling tax debt or whatever
    – Got her bank accounts seized
    – Has been drinking two liters of vodka a day
    – Refuses to go to rehab despite urges from friends
    – A CBS affiliate has put the ban hammer on all Lohan stories

    I think it’s fair to point out that some of the headlines listed above are utterly pointless, but also fair to say that Lohan is having a pretty bad week month year time at life. I really don’t know what will get through to this girl. Jail time in the slammer during the holidays sounds like the thing to finally snap Lohan back into a healthy lifestyle, one where she isn’t forcing the media to consistently hound her every move. Too bad this is Lindsay we are talking about, so who knows anymore.

    On a related note, here’s Danielle Fishel as Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor. Pop culture is what pop culture does.

  • Don Cheadle returns as Captain Planet, everyone’s favorite lovable psychotic pissed off superhero (with a compassion for trees): Around a year ago Don Cheadle turned into his War Machine armor for some Captain Planet tights and never looked back. No, he is not your childhood Captain Planet, the one who swore to protect the Earth from evildoers – polluter types mostly. He is Captain Planet, demented crazy face with a sick pleasure for the environment. That love is only trumped by his extreme desires to turn people into trees. Screw the live action movie currently in development. Give me Green Hammer bringing the pain like a straight up mofo or give me nothing at all.

    In addition to the very first video (included below), Funny or Die went ahead and made a brand new second video of his continued assault upon the polluted world. Then they made another one. And another one. They were able to make a Captain Planet trilogy (plus one) and yet a modern Hollywood Flash movie remains untouched. Hey Capt, you missed a spot.

    One word review: treemendous.

    GIFs thanks via

  • Beware: Katt Williams is on the loose (Update: never mind) (Update x2: Never mind the previously never mind): Say, what’s Katt Williams up to lately? Man, what isn’t he up to? Last time I heard he was running amuck in my home town of Sacramento. Diving on the wrong side of the road. On a three-wheeled motorcycle. Slapping Target employees in the face. This is apparently what he does on his free time! This after he was arrested for battery in the middle of November. YOLO!

    Obviously we have a troublemaker in Sactown. He’s climbin’ in yo windows, he’s slapping yo people up for no reason, tryin’ to provoke ‘em. So y’all need to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cause he makin’ trouble for everyone out here.

    I like how he casually escaped by use of an electric cart. He like a honey badge he don’t care.

    UPDATE: He’s been caught and arrested! The local nightmare is over. For now…

    Katt Williams was arrested on Sunday following a bar fight in Seattle … during which he allegedly threatened people with a pool cue, this according to Seattle police.

    According to police, Williams “brandished a pool cue at a bar manager and refused to leave the business” and later followed a family outside of the bar where he threw a cigarette at a woman as she got into her car, hitting her in the eye.

    Police say Williams also threw a rock at the car. – TMZ

    UPDATE x2: Aww crap he’s already out thanks to Suge Knight. I’m going to go back to boarding up the windows.

  • The final curtain: Kate Upton stars in a movie about rolling around in grass, riding horses, and swimming around almost-nude in pools while bros bro out: Also known as: The Perfect Kate Upton Day. Also this counts as movie news. It says so at the beginning of the video. Movies. Not my problem if the movie features Upton topless and getting sprayed in the mouth with water.

    Also known as: The Perfect Movie.

    Man, those classic Sylvester and Tweety cartoons have all been a lie.

    THIS GAME’S WINNER IS: the accurate Treehouse of Horror episode where Reggie duped Bart’s evil twin brother into a sucker punch (63.83%) via a Wii U controller over Nintendo ball smash (36.17%). More than half of the world agrees: you’d let Reggie punch you in the face, just for the thrill of it all.

    This week: the Olympics! In hilarity GIF form!




    Whoever made the shark one did a fantastic job but I still have to go with uncontrollable Olympic Superman. I don’t care if it’s fake or not. You fly like that and people are going to want to talk about you.

    Last word: I would rather the Niners have lost than be involved in another tie again. That would have been embarrassing. But then I think about the immortal words of Al Bundy, “If you lose to the Rams you get thrown out of the league.” And all of a sudden, a sad is had. By me.


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    Porfirio Diaz