Movies & TV / Columns

Movies/TV’s 3R’s 12.12.12: Fantastic Four, World War Z, Jumanji, Kevin Smith, More

December 12, 2012 | Posted by Porfirio Diaz

Welcome to Week 180 of The 3 R’s for the Movie/TV world.

I know I’m late with the column but I have a valid excuse: I wanted to post it and have it show on 12.12.12. I have no regrets. (Not the real reason but one that I’m going with.)

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Without any further ado, here is…

  • Fantastic Four reboot has entered 2015 Blockbuster Movie Royal Rumble: I maintain that the two Fantastic Four motion pictures – the 2005 version and a spawned 2007 sequel – were mediocre affairs. Not too horrible but not memorable either, just a big bowl of meh. I wish the films would have lived up to their stable name. Then again I also wish Kate Upton to show up in front of my house with a million dollars and a bag of burgers from Carl’s Jr., and we know we can’t always get what we want. As far as rebooted franchises go, I think Fantastic Four is one worth bringing back for a fresh makeover. I’ll say about as worthy as the Jumanji remake. (Say whaaaaat?) *Dun-dun-duuuun* (To be continued.)

    Guess what? Josh Trank, the director of Chronicle, will indeed bring back Fantastic Four to theaters March 6, 2015. The film will most likely kick off the start of the great 2015 Blockbuster Movies Movie Royal Rumble, with Marvel’s Avengers 2, Warner Bros. Justice League, and Disney’s Star Wars Episode VII slated to be released almost around the same time.

    Let the battle commence! (In 2005.)

  • Jumanji remake hires new writer; wakes the glee within me: Normally I would be against remaking movies from the past – Hollywood: putting the old spit shine to your childhood memories and selling it back to you as new – if I didn’t already presented my true colors and showered the aforementioned Fantastic Four reboot news with love and affection. The same goes for a lot of things coming out of Hollywood lately. What a horrible person I’ve become. I can’t let Hollywood sway me with spirited nostalgia from the wonderful world of the 90s. How can I start on the next scene of my life if I keep re-watching the last one? I must ever move forward towards the future, to look forward towards the fresh ideas to be shown on the modern screen.

    As we reported earlier this year, Sony Pictures is looking to remake their 1995 hit film, Jumanji. For those unfamiliar with the original Robin Williams flick, the story (based on a 1981 illustrated children’s book) focuses on two adults and a pair of siblings who must play through the eponymous magical board game, which keeps creating horrific jungle conditions in the real-world every time someone makes a new move or tries to cheat. According to Heat Vision, Sony has hired Stranger Than Fiction writer Zach Helm to pen the remake. – Collider

    Here’s my money. Long live the 90s!

    Truth be told, I had one hell of a difficult time thinking where I wanted to place this blurb. On a scale of 1 to “Hey look another unnecessary movie idea stolen from our youth vault,” a Jumanji reboot ranks somewhat high. Then again, I love board games (Top 3: 1. The Game of Life, 2. Clue, 3. Battleships) and I LUVE the original. Yes, I love a Robin Williams-starred movie. He was great and the film holds up fairly well today. I welcome a new twist on a magical realistic tale of a killer board game came to life.

    Plus Robin Williams gave us Hook and you’ll be a fool NOT to like Hook.

    *loses 95% of readership*

    No other details about the reboot thus far but I do know new Jumanji writer Zach Helm is partially responsible for Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and Will Farrell vehicle Stranger Than Fiction. The former was less well-received than the latter but both are a good starting point to envision what the remake can be and seems to be down Helm’s alley. Maybe he can also bring back “it’s all good” and Windows 95 and incorporate them into the film. Because the 90s.

    I have not seen either film, but I feel the most qualified when I say both do not hold a candle to Porfirio Diaz’s Top 3 movie of 1995 (1. Toy Story, 2. Batman Forever, 3. Jumanji)*.

    * – I was, like, 12, and 12-year-old me does not reflect the views and opinions of grown up me or any other individual on 411mania when they were 12-years-old and likewise.

    Pictured: GIF rendition of reboot; Via
  • Director of Wreck-It Ralph has promised Mario for the sequel: You have to give it to Disney – they certainly know how to profit from a generation who grew up in the 8-bit and Star Wars era. I know they got me to throw down $10.50 to celebrate classic video game characters from our yesterday. And while Mario is not going to the Dark Side anytime soon – or ever, but it’ll make for an interesting and fresh game for sure – you can bet your last dollar in seeing Mario appear in the sequel of Wreck-It Ralph, where everyone will geek out for the five seconds he shows up on the screen, in the background, unrelated to the plot.

    So worth it.

    Wreck-It Ralph 2 doesn’t have an official go-ahead yet, but Moore is already planning to return at the helm (assuming the sequel happens). He joked about the Mario brothers being prima donnas at Disney’s 2012 Comic-Con panel, but he informed Moviehole the real reason Mario didn’t appear in the first film is because Moore “couldn’t find anywhere for him to go” – not Nintendo refusing the rights.

    To quote: “We’ll really come up with something good for Mario to do [in the next film]”, says Moore. “To be able to present him in the sequel, would be great.” – Screen Rant

    Ah, to be young again. Being an adult sucks.

    BTW, Mario was the original sh*t-wrecker. Ralph should take notes.

  • Arrested Development still had some TV goodness leftover; will expand new season with two to five more episodes as compensation: Oh ones. The horror. There are going to have 12 to 15 new episodes rather than the original ten because ten was not a suitable number to contain the massive explosion of Arrested Development footage erotica boner?

    Taste it. Taste the horror. The happy horror

  • Charlie Sheen spends $75,000 to help a ten-you-old cancer patient: Charlie Sheen may be a kooky substance abuse junkie with an kinship towards strippers, but for a moment on a bright sunny day, he was a kooky substance abuse junkie with an kinship towards strippers and a heart of gold.

    TMZ reports that Charlie Sheen has donated $75,000 to help a ten-year-old girl named Jasmine who has Childhood Rhabdomyosarcoma.

    Sheen was talking with a Hermosa Beach police officer and learned about a cop whose daughter had the disease. CR is a form of cancer that hits the muscle tissues and requires over a year of medical treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation therapy. – 411mania

    This is definitely a much better cause than whatever the one Lindsay Lohan is on.

  • Clerks 3 will be the best Clerks 3 movie ever made, or – Why the $*&[email protected]% is Clerks 3 being made?: So yeah, Kevin Smith has come out to say Clerks 3 will be his last movie. Sure, why not. Let’s just go ahead and make Clerks into a thrill-orgy.

    Kevin Smith’s final film as a director is going to take him back to the start. Smith announced on Twitter that “Clerks 3” will be his last feature, just as long as original star Jeff Anderson signs a deal to co-star. – Huffington Post

    Clerks 3 will be Kevin Smith’s last movie project, after he told everyone HIT SOMEBODY was going to be his last movie, which has been turned into a mini-series. Yup, and the now 6 hour-long episodes will be about Kevin Smith and Stifler from American Pie throwing hot dogs buns at people from the kiddie pool. Smith will be wearing his jorts over his pillow pants, but just jorts over his pillow pants. OK, he has on a hockey sweater as well.

    If this is truly going to be Smith’s last hurray, I suppose a full circle with the Clerks crew is not a bad way to end a lavish movie career. But Clerks 2 was soooo crummy, and the last movie in a three-part movie series is usually the most to worry about, since they mostly come out soooooooooooooo crummy. Can Kevin Smith make it work? Never mind that most of the cast is, what, near their 40s now? Is there going to be twice as many donkey shows? Does Randall and Dante run a comic book auditorium now only for Leonardo Leonardo to come back and build a newer better comic book auditorium next door and then Charles Barkley teaches math to inner city school kids and then Jay and Silent Bob parodies Star Wars films and whatever film Eddie Murphy is dragging into the dumpster?

    Sure, why not. I guess?

  • X-Men: Days of Future Past may possibly be shot in 48 FPS, 3D, BrainVision: Uh oh.

    X-Men director Bryan Singer tweeted recently that he was experiencing “serious frame rate envy” after his screening of The Hobbit, which doesn’t mean much until you pair that news with another bit of information from Magneto, himself, Sir Ian McKellen. While doing Hobbit press, McKellen tells Malone’s Movie Minute that Singer attended the premiere with James Cameron and was very impressed with the technology Jackson used to make the vision come to life. So much so that he might use 3D and 48 fps for Days of Future Past.

    These are suggestions. And it’s possible that Singer and McKellen, at the time, weren’t aware of the generally unfavorable opinions expressed about the presentation, which turned the Hobbit into something between a BBC television production and a daytime soap opera. That’s not to say the tools can’t be improved in time. And if Fox sees the potential for profit in shooting the X-Men sequel in 3D and 48 fps, then it’s bound to happen. Most of us haven’t seen The Hobbit in Jackson’s preferred format yet. It opens everywhere on Dec. 14. – Cinema Blend

    As unfavorable as it is, 48 FPS is the future of cinema and 3D is 3D. I just fear putting both together will create a post-apocalyptic mess of a movie – where a bunch of pointless scenes will be added just for the “neat” effort of 3D and where people will see the collar tag on Magneto’s t-shirt he got from the GAP. This is exactly what the Mayans predicted was going to happen.

  • The first 8 seconds of World War Z, as described by someone who was not impressed: Is it wrong to say a film – especially one with the glowing like-factor of the literary version – would probably be better off tanking at the box office only for it to be turned into an HBO miniseries? Not the first time it’s been expressed, but a belief many fans of World War Z share.

    Until now, fans have been judging and criticizing the movie adaptation, despite going on with just a couple seconds worth of clips stringed together. Thankfully Badass Digest’s Devin Faraci was able to secure a sneak peak during the Butt-Numb-A-Thon, the Harry Knowles (Ain’t It Cool News) 24-hour birthday random movie marathon. “Hey that’s a great idea!” I say to no one in particular.

    A note: the footage shown was in progress. It had a temp score, wasn’t fully color timed and had unfinished FX. That last bit will lead me to my biggest question later.

    The footage begins with Brad Pitt, his wife and two daughters stuck in traffic in Philly. As the family plays time-wasting guessing games, the radio ominously talks about rabies infections that are spreading globally. There’s the sound of sirens, and a motorcycle cop races between the gridlocked cars, knocking Pitt’s rearview mirror off. As Pitt gets out of his car to retrieve the debris, there’s a commotion ahead, and suddenly an explosion a few blocks distant (it’s unclear to me if the explosion was related to jet sounds, as the sound mix was unfinished). People begin to panic, and another bike cop comes by, yelling at Pitt to get into his car. Just as he does… a semi nails the bike cop and keeps going, knocking cars out of its way.

    Pitt decides to follow in the wake left by the truck, and he speeds down the street as chaos erupts. Jets and helicopters fly overhead, masses of people run screaming in the streets. Pitt gets distracted by his kids and gets into a big smashup in an intersection. As the family stumbles, okay, from the wreckage, we see what’s happening. Rampaging, super fast, hissing ‘zombies’ are running after people. One jumps on the hood of a car and smashes its head against the windshield until it shatters, and drags out the driver and begins biting him.
    The ‘zombies’ are full on rage zombies as seen in 28 Days Later. They even have those very yellow eyes, and all that spastic movement. It’s obvious that 28 Days is the source material for this film, possibly even more than Brooks’ novel. – Badass Digest

    Keep in mind the footage was still a work-in-progress, as it had unfinished FX (not a CGI blood splatter in sight) and a temp score. Even so, Faraci tells us what we somewhat knew: technically OK, but no better than a dozen other zombie movies. He calls the whole thing “dead generic” and if that’s not the perfect phase for a movie of this caliber, then I don’t know what is.

  • Lindsay Lohan totally missed her court date so she see The Wanted overseas instead: Hahaha. That silly girl. Always up and about and not showing up for scheduled court dates. Classic Lindsay. Busy with life and whatever life throws back. Usually a liquid bottle or two.

    Lohan opted for a concert setting – in this case, she flew across the world to be with The Wanted on tour – lieu of a courtroom one – in this case, so she could defend herself against every single thing she did wrong in the past year. She was not required to appear because the charges are misdemeanors – providing false information to an office, reckless driving, and giving cops the business or something. Lindsay ain’t care. Her whole career post-Mean Girls is nothing but one super-duper giant misdemeanor. She ain’t care. They’re like candy to her. Misdemeanor out of flavor? Pop out the old and pop in the new.

    This news came out before we found out about Lohan’s potential punishment of 8 months in jail due to, well, everything. What can they not pin her down for? I don’t think Lohan will serve jail time, because that’s the sort of thing Lohan does. She’ll be better off fixing her money woes washing cars in the nude while your cousin Frank films the whole thing from the hole inside the bathroom. (Just don’t get caught cousin Frank.)

  • The Twilight vampire baby doll is the perfect gift for the unstable fan who has everything: Twilight fans are known to buy anything – anything – with even the smallest hint of abstinence sparkling wish-wash. The fan-made representation of Bella’s womb, made of felt, is such an example. Well move over unborn vampire uterus because these new custom-made Twilight vampire baby dolls are to die for.



    *performs ritual to cleanse Photobucket from the evil*

  • Dragon Ball Z fan film > Dragon Ball Z movie: Were you disappointed with Hollywood’s sad 2009 live-action Dragonball :Evolution movie? If you are a fan and are among the living, then yes, yes you were. So declaring that a DBZ fan film is better than the movie is not saying much – Liz & Dick with the mute on is a better film than the $45 million bomb – but don’t take it as a means to not watch the video, because it is amazing.

    The short live-action fan-made film was created by two brothers who run a small video production company in the UK. Everything about their DBZ film easily outdoes Hollywood’s efforts. I don’t think I need to tell you how ridiculous it is for two people – with nowhere near the budget or resources of the actual movie – succeeded in making a far superior product. Of course that could account for most fan-made adaptations.

  • Cats are jerks. I know it and you know it. We’re not always around to notice their catbauchery. So why not have cats wear a GoPro camera around its necks. Then we’ll have proof of their mischief. Much like the time your Mr. Kitty chased after a bird or punched a bouncer in the balls or forced you to dance with underwear on your head while snorting Adderall and catnip. No Mr. Kitty, that’s a bad kitty.

    The following Prodigy parody is based on a true story.

    Last week’s results: Olympic Superman/Jumpman was game (45.13%) but was still no match for professional driver-hungry sharks (54.87%) in a tightly contested GIF-up. Flippy water tricks mean jack squat when the result is spending entirety in the belly of a great white. The match was initially close for the most part but your desire to watch Olympians swallowed whole over and over again was too much to bear. You people are savages.

    This week: awesome nerd/baby tomfoolery.




    The chances of a baby rocking out the horns at such an age are a million to one, according to exclusive scientific research that is not scientific and made up on my end. Still, rarely do we get to see an infant old enough to know how to rock. Kind of makes me want to vote for him on that basis alone. But look at the first guy. Look how he happily skips through the automatic doors after using the force to open the automatic doors – the result of life’s simplest pleasures (by the mundane use of the Force.)

    Last word: RIP Jenni Rivera.


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