Movies & TV / Columns

Ten Deep 11.8.12: Top 10 Worst Movie Vampires

November 15, 2012 | Posted by Mike Gorman

“Ten Lamest Movie Vampires”

Tomorrow the finale to the worst thing to ever happen to vampires will premiere and tweens will be screaming about Edward and Bella through the new year, at least. As much as I cannot stand the sparkly, weak willed vampires of the Twilight series I must admit that they are not the first lame vampires to grace the big screen.

This week’s Ten Deep explores the worst fanged freaks out there, that don’t glitter like a disco ball in the sunlight. The challenge was to find ten vampires who hit new lows without resorting to the Cullens and their ilk. Surprisingly, it was not that hard to do in the end.

10. Larten Crepsley in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Even the usual charm of John C. Reilly could not save this wet noodle of a vampire. Cirque du Freak’s Larten Crepsley is anything but a true freak. He is a bit too safe and vanilla to instill any fear in any audience.

9. Dracula in Love at First Bite

Proving that just because you’re Dracula, you’re not automatically cool; George Hamilton’s turn as Drac in Love at First Bite is flawed for many reasons but the clip below highlights two of the major ones. First, Dracula has no need for disco. Second, how does a bloodsucker that fears the sun get such a great tan? If that question could be answered, I might feel differently about this portrayal.

8. Lilith in Bordello of Blood

Hot woman plays vampire queen… seems like a formula for success, no? Sadly the end result could not be further from that point. Angie Everhart could not act her way out of a paper bag and it shows as she struggles in a weakly written role in a poorly handled film. Her attempts at dark humor fall flat time and time again. After the very promising Demon Knight, Bordello of Blood definitely killed any momentum the Tales from the Crypt film series had built up.

7. Max from Lost Boys

This one is pretty hard for me to admit because The Lost Boys is one of my all-time favorite movies but the head vampire, Max, is totally lame. His mission in un-life is to find a bloodsucking mama for his hard to handle “kids.” No world domination. No conquering the human species for food. Simply he is looking for a stay home mom who will share his penchant for O-Neg and is willing to manage the eternal tantrums of the lost boys themselves. Add in his penchant for shoulder pads and oddly patterned blazers and it is clear that cool left the building long before Max arrived.

6. Pearl from Blade

Pearl is the massively obese, high pitched voiced, vampire librarian from Blade and oddly enough, pretty damn lame. You’d think that combination would somehow come together through some weird synergy and create a memorable character but sadly that is not the truth. Instead we are “treated” to a vampire that is too fat to move, or need clothes, and ends us getting fried by a flashlight. Pearl was neither intimidating nor interesting.

5. Maximillian in Vampire in Brooklyn

Horror master Wes Craven decided to make a vampire movie. How could you go wrong letting the man that created Freddy Krueger tackle of the most iconic of movie monsters? Apparently you hire Eddie Murphy to play the lead and it gets pretty simple. Murphy’s Maximillian tried to be scary and funny, and failed miserably at both. The filmed seemed to suffer from an identity crisis of sorts and it showed in the lead character.

4. Lothos in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

You know that you are a lame vampire when you are upstaged time and time again throughout the film by Pee Wee Herman’s turn as your vampire lackey. Rutger Hauer is a perpetually cool actor who found his kryptonite in the role of Lothos in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Lothos tries to recapture the old school feel of the more romanticized portrayals of classic vamps but falls flat.

3. Lestat in Queen of the Damned

For every instance where Tom Cruise’s Lestat succeeded in the original Interview with the Vampire, Stuart Townsend’s Lestat crashed and burned in this lackluster sequel. He made Lestat’s brooding and character seem cliché and trite. It was as if this Lestat embraced the goth stereotypes wallowing in mesh shirts, leather pants, and dramatic lyrics.

2. Shane in Lost Boys: The Tribe

I tried my best to give this movie its chance then I saw the end product, including the leader of this new pack of vamps. Gone was Keifer Sutherland’s classic David replaced by his actual brother Angus Sutherland. The problem being, this Sutherland could not pull off the role. His Shane was 2-dimensional and had all of the charisma of a rock. The film and its vamps felt more well suited for a short lived CW series than the sequel to a fantastic vampire film.

And lastly…

1. Louis in Interview with the Vampire

In Anne Rice’s novel, Interview with the Vampire, Louis was the character we identified with, the one who saw the reality of the dark gift given to him by Lestat. His struggle was the heart of the book. In the film, Brad Pitt took this incredibly insightful character and turned him into a whiny mess that rails at the world and seems to have no fight in him, even when inspired by the events around him. By film’s end Louis leaves you wondering how the interviewer even came up with questions for him.

Did I slight your favorite vamp or miss a true bore who deserved acknowledgement? Sign up for our new comments system and let me know!

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Mike Gorman

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