Movies & TV / Columns

The 411 Douchebag of the Week: Areva Martin

January 21, 2019 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Areva Martin

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.


With the recent announcement of a Coming to America sequel, there are two questions that I hope the movie deals with/answers. First, did Akeem’s mother have an affair with Cleo McDowell (Joh Amos) at some point during the last thirty years? They look at one another at the end of the movie and it’s obvious that there’s some chemistry there. Cleo is a widower and Queen Aoleon (Madge Sinclair) is in a loveless marriage. King Jaffe Joffer (James Earl Jones) has sex with his royal bathers, so, really, why shouldn’t the queen screw around a little?

The second question is what happened to the hold-up man played by Samuel L. Jackson? Did he go to prison, and if he did what did he do when he got out? Did he try to get a job at McDowell’s? Is he maybe the manager of the McDowell’s in Queens now (or does he work under Louie Anderson’s character?)?

Now, what do I think we will see in Coming to America 2? I think McDowell’s has at least one location in Zamunda. I think “Sexual Chocolate” Randy Watson is a big star/probably hosts a talent show on TV. And I think Soul Glo went out of business. And the barbershop in Queens is probably still in business.

So what do you guys think will happen in Coming to America 2? What do you guys want to happen in Coming to America 2?

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.



This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to author, CNN legal analyst, and host of the CBS show Face the Truth, whatever the hell that is, Areva Martin, for her recent misuse of the phrase “white privilege.” While appearing on conservative David Webb’s Sirius XM radio show and discussing race and job qualifications, Martin accused Webb of benefiting from “white privilege” when it comes to jobs in the media. The problem with that accusation is that Webb is black and, therefore, couldn’t possibly have benefitted from “white privilege.”

When Webb pointed out to Martin that he was black, Martin apologized and then blamed her staff or assistant or whoever for giving her “wrong information.” While that could be true, I suspect it’s more likely that, because Webb is a conservative, Martin automatically assumed that he was white and, while debating him, figured she could hammer him with “well, you’re just a white guy,” which would have been quite the burn if Webb were, in fact, white. Unfortunately for Martin, that’s not the case, and she ended up looking like a total fool on the radio. She’ll probably never live it down.

And she shouldn’t. This was a huge fucking mistake. It not only makes Martin look bad, it makes CNN and CBS look bad, too. It’s also yet another prime example of someone in the media appearing on some show to talk about something and not knowing what the hell he or she is talking about. Sure, it happens all of the time on cable news, regardless of which channel you watch, but it’s still awful when someone labeled an analyst is shown to be sloppy in his or her TV show/radio show preparation.

Now, is Martin a busy person? Sure, why not? She’s an author, she appears on two TV channels, she’s probably always doing something. And, yes, people make mistakes in all walks of life all of the time. It’s just what people do. Still, again, when you’re supposed to be an expert in something and you appear on some show because you’re an expert and you make a massive mistake like not knowing who the fuck it is you’re talking to, it makes you look terrible. And this isn’t misquoting a statistic or even messing up a quote from a famous person, this is accusing someone you don’t know of doing something he or she couldn’t possibly have done.

And Martin shouldn’t have blamed her “people.” She should have accepted the responsibility of not knowing who David Webb was, making a horrible assumption about him while appearing on his show, apologized, and then maybe asked CNN or CBS if she could do a segment on the air about assuming shit that turns out to be, well, not true at all.

How long would it have taken Martin to Google David Webb or looked him up on her phone? Three to four minutes? She couldn’t find the time to do that? Come on, man.


And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

The chaperones for those students from Covington Catholic High School in Kentucky, for not getting those kids the hell out of there when they were apparently being harassed by multiple groups. As the truth of what actually happened at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. this past Friday has become clear, it looks like the “Make America Great Again” hat wearing kids were the ones being harassed by “black Muslims” and, at some point, the people from the Indigenous People’s March. Now, based on the statement released by the kid that’s become “the face” of the incident, his party was allowed by its chaperones to engage the “black Muslims” that started harassing them with their school song. I’d like to know why the hell the chaperones would have allowed the kids to engage with anyone. Why didn’t they try to get the kids out of the area and or get the cops involved? That situation, thankfully, didn’t escalate into a brawl or some bullshit like that. Jesus Christ, how did these people become chaperones in the first place?

The “Liberal” Media, for its ridiculous flip out over President Trump’s “fast food” reception for the Clemson football players. Was it weird? Yeah, a little. You don’t expect to see that kind of thing at the White House. But did it warrant the seemingly endless coverage and snickering from the “liberal” media? No. The late night comedians? Of course I expect them to talk about it for days on end. But the news media? There’s nothing else going on in the world? Nothing at all?

And, shit, if there’s a scandal in this story it’s Trump serving the football players Domino’s Pizza, which is just awful. Pizza Hut is way better. He also could have served them “local” D.C. pizza, which, I bet, without even eating any of it, is far and away better than anything from Domino’s.

-Former mayor of New York City, failed Republican Presidential candidate, and Douchebag Hall of Famer Rudy Giuliani, for saying that he never said that there was no collusion with Russia when the video evidence states otherwise. Rudy, you lying motherfucker, you have to know that everything you’ve publicly said about the President and potential Russian collusion is on tape somewhere and that it can be brought up within seconds of you changing your story, right? So what is this “I never said there was no collusion” bullshit?

Goddamit, does anything matter anymore? Anything at all?

Miles Brockman Richie, the only son of Lionel Richie, for allegedly claiming that he had a bomb and slugging a security guard at an airport in the United Kingdom. Why the fuck would anyone do that? Just go ahead and read the story at the link and try to figure it out. I can’t figure it out. So what if you’re pissed off about something. You don’t do that shit at an airport.


Thanks for reading. Agree? Disagree? Sign up with disqus and comment. You know you want to, so just go do it.

Please “like” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column on Facebook!

Oh, and B-movies rule. Always remember that.