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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: Bill Cosby

June 26, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

DownwardDog1A

So ABC canceled the sitcom Downward Dog after one season, which I’m not surprised by in the least. In fact, the only thing that really surprises me is that ABC allowed the show to complete its first season without pulling from the schedule early. But then ABC did allow that awful Jenna Elfman sitcomImaginary Mary go beyond its first episode…

Downward Dog was a sort of good idea, at least on paper. A show about a woman and her dog and their lives together in Pittsburgh. Yeah, I might watch that. But the actual show, the show ABC paid for and made such a big deal over, was just dreary and boring. It was, at best, only occasionally funny. Most of the time, though, the show was just hard to watch.

So what was wrong with it? First off, the show seemed to be way more interested in making sure the audience knew that Nan, the main character played by Allison Tolman, was fully invested in “pursuing her dream,” whatever the hell that was, instead of just living her life. I know that it’s important to show people on TV overcoming obstacles and living their dreams and whatnot, especially female characters, but why does every show have to be about that? Nan’s advertising job seemed to be there so she could harassed by her asshole boss, take a stand for “real” people, and impress that one guy from New York, and because the show’s writers didn’t know how to have Nan exist in any other “reality.” I think it would have been far more interesting if Nan’s job was just something we saw her go to and leave from. What she actually did at her job never should have been all that important. Her life at home, though, with her dog, wasn’t that supposed to be the show?

I think it also would have been far more interesting if Jason, Nan’s boyfriend, played by Lucas Neff, wasn’t a slacker idiot. Why wasn’t he just the guy she was dating?

As for the whole “dog” part of the show, it would have made more sense if he, Martin, only talked at the beginning of the episode, to set it up, maybe once in the middle, and then at the end. Martin the dog’s constant commentary was never funny, never clever, and just grated on the nerves after about a minute or so. What the hell was the deal with all of the “likes”?

Allison Tolman is an appealing actress. She’ll pick up somewhere else. Neff will likely be okay, too. They tried hard to make Downward Dog a show worth checking out. They just couldn’t do it.

Anyone out there actually enjoy Downward Dog? Anyone at all?

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.

Douchebag

This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to comedy legend and accused rapistBill Cosby, for announcing that he wants to tour the country and give “educational talks” to young people on how to avoid sexual assault allegations. Cosby’s whose recent sexual assault trial in Philadelphia ended in a mistrial, apparently wants to go around and talk about his experiences dealing with the justice system and what sexual assault is really all about.

Yes, this is a real thing that’s apparently set to happen. This isn’t some joke on the internets. This isn’t The Onion messing with us. Bill Cosby and his “people” (lawyers, agents, handlers, family members) really think that this is a good idea and something the world needs.

Now, if Cosby had simply beat back one allegation and actually won his Philadelphia case (a mistrial doesn’t mean Cosby is innocent and the prosecutor said that he plans on retrying the case) this tour might make sense and kind of be worthwhile. But since Cosby is still, technically, in legal jeopardy, there are still plenty of credible people out there with damning allegations against him, and Cosby has admitted to drugging women so he could “have sex with them,” I don’t see how this could be a good anything for anyone. Unless Bill Cosby is going to tour the country and tell young men and women that it isn’t a good idea to drug people without their knowledge and then rape them, how is this valuable to anyone except Cosby’s own ego?

It isn’t valuable in any other way.

So what kind of advice is Cosby likely going to dole out at these talks? I’d imagine, based on what Ebonee Benson, one of Cosby’s publicists, recently said, that these talks are going to be all about how there’s a major conspiracy afoot to trap people and ruin their reputations with false allegations. And if you’re rich, people are going to find ways to lie about you so they can shake you down for money. You have to be on the lookout for liars all of the time because you are always a marked man. And it all would sound like great advice if Bill Cosby hadn’t admitted to drugging women he wanted to “have sex with.”

Because that is the most important aspect of this entire fucking story. Bill Cosby admitted to fucking doing it. And I still can’t figure out why, in these “drugged women” scenarios, Cosby thinks no one is curious as to why he didn’t take the same kind of drugs in these scenarios. I mean, drugs are used in sex kind of like alcohol, right? Drugs help you mellow out, relax, etc. Why were all of these women nervous about having sex with Cosby? Why wasn’t he nervous about these sexual encounters? And why would all of these women lie? What do they all gain from telling their stories? Fame? Sympathy? Why would someone want those things in relation to this kind of story?

Yes, we’ve seen instances in the past where rape allegations turn out to be bullshit. The Duke lacrosse tea case, that Rolling Stone Magazine thing, plus plenty of others. But what are the odds that Cosby’s accusers, all fifty of them, are liars and scumbags looking for money? What kind of conspiracy involves fifty different women who have nothing in common beyond these allegations against Bill Cosby?

None. And the “racist” conspiracy against Cosby is even more laughable.

I don’t see how this tour idea is a win for Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby would likely be better off if he just disappeared from public. He isn’t going to go back to being a stand-up comedian. He isn’t going to start accumulating honorary doctorates again. He’s going to be dogged by these allegations for the rest of his life. His entertainment career is likely over. Is it sad? Maybe. But, in the end, the whole thing is self-inflicted.

Bill Cosby admitted to drugging women and “having sex” with them. That’s pretty damning, isn’t it?

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And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

-Actor Johnny Depp, for his recent “joke” about the potential assassination of President Trump. Now, Depp has apologized for his “joke” referencing John Wilkes Booth shooting Abe Lincoln, but, shit, why would anyone even attempt to make that “joke” now, in light of the 2017 Congressional shooting incident? Not wise, man, not wise at all.

Phil Montag, a member of the Nebraska Democratic party, for his recent comments regarding the shooting of Republican Congressperson Steve Scalise. Now, Montag probably didn’t know that he was being recorded at the time and one could make an argument that his wishing that Scalise was “fucking dead” was just “heated political rhetoric” or some bullshit like that. But none of that is much of an excuse. Hating a political rival is one thing, wishing that rival was dead is quite another. It’s goddamn awful. Come on, people, cut the nonsense.

Katherine Dettwyler, an adjunct professor at the University of Delaware, for saying that “Otto Warmbier got what he was deserved.” In case you don’t know, Warmbier is the American who, after being imprisoned in North Korea for a year and a half, was released and recently died under mysterious circumstances in an American hospital. You just have to go to the link and read the story and see what his professor said. It’s mind boggling. Her complaint doesn’t make any sense.

-Douchebag Hall of Famer, former Douchebag of the Year, and (Jesus Christ) 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump, for his recent admission that he didn’t record former FBI director James Comey. The whole story sounded like bullshit from the beginning, and the President’s “it was a bluff to make sure that Comey told the truth” reason for the “bluff” is just as ridiculous. Why can’t someone tell the President to get off Twitter and just shut the hell up (you know, besides me)? He’d have fewer problems if he learned to do that.

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