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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: Independence Day: Resurgence

June 27, 2016 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

I really don’t have an introduction for this edition of the 411 Douchebag of the Week, so I’m just going to offer up three observations on the current state of pro wrestling and the WWE. There’s no real theme for the observations beyond me not understanding what the heck is going on.

EnzoAndCass

First off, am I the only wrestling nerd who fails to understand the appeal of Enzo and Cass? When they come out on TV the crowd goes apeshit and everyone in the building is very into the tandem’s “How ya doing?/SAWFT” catchphrase thing. But why? Their bit was sort of funny the first time I saw it, but after that it just became five minutes of bullshit that I can’t fast forward through if I’m watching Raw live. Enzo is okay in the ring, while Cass is more agile than most seven foot wrestlers. Do you think the WWE will split them up or turn Enzo into Cass’ manager?

I’m also dumbfounded by the Bob Backlund/Darren Young thing. Is this going to lead to having Backlund as Young’s manager/ringside trainer? Those segments haven’t been funny at all.

Natalya

And finally, someone is going to have to explain to me the point of turning Natalya into a bad guy. Is she going to be the top female on “the other show,” whatever that show happens to be, or is this another case of the writers just doing stuff because it seemed like a good idea at the moment? Shouldn’t Dana Brooke be the secondary bad female in the company?

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.

Douchebag

IndependenceDayResurgence

This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to the new movie Independence Day: Resurgence for being absolutely awful. Now, I think it’s true that the first Independence Day isn’t a great movie, but what it lacked in greatness it made up for it with real spectacle, some cool special effects, and a real sense of the human characters actually accomplishing something at the end of the movie. Basically, at the end of the movie, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum fly into space on an alien spaceship, fly inside a gigantic alien spaceship, and then blow up that gigantic alien spaceship, which then leads to the big alien spaceships on Earth being destroyed. The celebration among the smoking ruins actually felt like a real celebration. The sequel, twenty years in the making, features none of those things and is just an atrocious waste of time for everyone involved, including the audience.

Now, I’ve read online that Dean Devlin, the screenwriter, and the director Roland Emmerich, weren’t interested in making a sequel to the mega hit Independence Day unless they could come up with a story that was at least as good as the first movie. If that is what the filmmaking duo demanded, I’d like to know why, exactly, the script that Devlin and Emmerich, along with three other people, came up with to actually make Resurgence was the one. The story is shit, it makes zero sense, and it feels like a series of events that happen simply because they have to. I mean, Earth is being invaded again and humanity is about to be destroyed again, and yet at no point in the story does it feel like anything of value is at stake. In the first movie it actually seemed like Earth and humanity were up shit’s creek and it was only a matter of days before everyone was dead. The sequel, again, is just a bunch of stuff happening. So, I ask again, why was this particular story the one that everyone thought was worth making as the sequel to ID4?

And it’s not just the story that’s awful. The acting is horrendous, too. Liam Hemsworth is terrible as the guy he plays, and the guy that plays Will Smith’s son, Jessie T. Usher, tries too hard to be Will Smith. Hemsworth also tries to be Will Smith, too, and fails miserably. Aneglababy comes off like a robot. And Maika Monroe has absolutely no character to play as Bill Pullman’s daughter, so she basically wanders around the movie as the “I know her from someplace but where?” girl. Sela Ward is one of the worst presidents in the history of sci-fi cinema. And the great William Fichtner should sue Fox for making such a shitty movie. He puts in maximum effort and ends up with zero to show for it. That’s really sad.

As for the returning actors, both Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum try way too hard to make the audience believe that what’s going on in the movie actually matters. Pullman overacts every second he’s on screen, and Goldblum plays his David Levinson character as though it’s appearing in a really bad 1980’s low budget Italian knock-off of Independence Day (you know, as Dr. Daniel Livingston). I have no idea why Judd Hirsch is in the movie. And Brent Spiner… oh my God. What the fuck is going on there? The only returning characters who do okay are Vivica A. Fox, because she isn’t in the movie for that long, and Robert Loggia, because he, too, is barely in it at all.

What works in the movie? The special effects “look” nice and the big alien monster at the end if pretty cool. The African warlord played by Deobia Oparei has some nice moments, like when he kills one of the aliens with a machete. And the whole “the aliens landed a ship in Africa and had to battle the locals hand-to-hand” is a potentially cool movie idea that probably should have been Resurgence.

I mean, it seems to me that what the ID4 sequel should have been is the exact opposite of what the first movie was. Instead of another alien invasion from space, why not have the aliens that landed in Africa back in 1996 working on some sort of alien/Earth technology hybrid land force that takes 20 years to build up? The world builds up its moon base defense system and satellite system and whatnot, something that turns out to be a complete waste of time since the aliens are coming up from the ground this time and the moon base is only good for attacking shit directly from space. With that scenario you have the element of surprise, it forces humanity to come up with a new plan to kill the aliens, and while it’s basically the same overall story it, at least, looks different.
Independence Day: Resurgence is a disgrace from start to finish. It never should have been made. At least there won’t be a third one.

What the fuck happened? What?

**

And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

-WWE superstar Roman Reigns, for failing a drug test right in the middle of the build up to a triple threat championship match at the next WWE pay-per-view. Why is the top guy ingesting banned substances right in the middle of being the top guy? Did Reigns believe that he could get away with it since he was the top guy? It looks bad from every angle.

-Failed Republican presidential hopeful and current U.S. Senator from Florida Marco Rubio, for announcing that he was running for re-election to the Senate despite saying that he wouldn’t do that when he ran for President. I’m going to assume that Rubio decided to run again for the Senate because he couldn’t find a cushy think tank or corporate board job and figured that if he was going to run for President again he needed to stay in the Senate, where the media will continue to cover him. Rubio isn’t the first lying politician to go back on his word (and he won’t be the last) but it’s still pretty awful anyway.

Kanye West, for that celebrity orgy music video thing. What, exactly, is the point of the “naked celebrities in bed with Kanye and his wife” video beyond getting people to talk about Kanye West? Someone needs to explain to me why I’m supposed to believe that he’s fascinating. I clearly don’t get it.

-Motivational speaker Tony Robbins, for staging a “hot coal fire walking event” that injured more than thirty people. If it’s all about getting people to overcome their fears and do things they don’t think they can do, why not have them do something that doesn’t involve fire and extreme heat? And what advice could Tony Robbins possibly give people that it’s worth $3,000?

**

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