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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: President Donald Trump

November 20, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Donald Trump

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

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The new S.W.A.T. reboot is three weeks in and, for the most part, it’s a decent action show. It fits in with the rest of the police shows on CBS, especially fellow action centric shows like Hawaii Five O and NCIS: Los Angeles. Shemar Moore is perfect as lead character Hondo, and the rest of the cast is great, especially Kenny Johnson and David Lim. The “case-of-the-week” format of the show is surprising since so many shows, even broadcast shows, want to go for more of a “streaming/cable serial storytelling” format. And the production design of S.W.A.T. is insane. This show must cost a goddamn fortune. Every week there are massive shootouts, explosions, and fight scenes and they all look amazing. That sequence from the second episode, where Hondo is using a sniper rifle while standing inside of a helicopter, seems a bit too complicated for a TV show, but the show manages to pull it off. What other stunts do the show’s producers have in store for us this season?

My favorite part of the show, though? It still has the S.W.A.T. theme song. Modern TV shows really don’t have themes anymore (it cuts into commercial time), and I really thought that the new S.W.A.T. would jettison the theme and have a five second opening titles sequence. But, like fellow CBS action show reboot Hawaii Five-O, S.W.A.T. has an updated old school TV theme. And it’s awesome.

See, it’s awesome.

CBS has given the show a full season. Hopefully it continues to kick ass for the rest of the season.

Anyone else out there a fan of the new S.W.A.T.?

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.

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This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to Douchebag Hall of Famer, former Douchebag of the Year, and (Jesus Christ) 45th President of the United States Donald Trump, for his attack on Al Franken and continued support of Roy Moore. You know, I was going to rip Senator Al Franken, Democrat of Minnesota, a new one in this space over the recent story involving his behavior on a 2006 USO tour. Franken forcibly kissed a fellow USO performer, Leeann Tweeden, and then took a picture of mock touching her breasts while she was asleep. Franken has since apologized for the incident and welcomed a Senate ethics investigation while plenty of people online have called on the Senator to resign. It’s kind of hard to take someone like Franken seriously when he claims to be an advocate for women, women’s rights, etc. and then this story comes out. How can he continue to serve in the U.S. Senate with this history hanging over him? Well, as President Trump’s attacks on Senator Franken and the President’s continued support of Alabama Senate candidate and potential pedophile/seriously dirty old man Roy Moore show, not to mention the President’s own history regarding women and sexual assault, none of that shit matters. The only thing that matters is politics.

Look at what the President said when he attacked Senator Franken on Twitter. The President, who cheerfully admitted to willfully committing sexual assault because he was a celebrity and “they let you do it,” actually had the nerve to ask “where do (Franken’s) hands go in pictures 2,3,4,5,6 and when she sleeps?” when he knows damn well where the not-a-Senator-then’s hands went in the “proceeding pictures,” or did the President forget what women let you do to them when you’re a celebrity? Of course the President “forgot” because “grabbing them by the pussy” is just “locker room talk.” You know, shit guys do when they’re with other guys and they talk about banging women and whatnot. Or when they admit to walking in on young, naked women during a beauty pageant because that’s just celebrity hijinks. So, you know, what the Senator did is totally different from what the President did. After all, the Senator is a Democrat and the President is a Republican. So, again, it’s totally different.

Which then leads us to Roy Moore, the Republican candidate in a special election for U.S. Senate in Alabama. Multiple women have come forward to say that Moore tried to date some of them when they were teenagers, assaulted some of them, and harassed some of them. Moore has denied all of the allegations but, at the same time, hasn’t been forthcoming with the whole “I liked to date teenagers when I was in my 30’s” question. You’d think that the President, considering the current climate in the country regarding sexual assault and harassment, would come out forcefully against Moore and tell him to step aside. However, because the President wants his party to maintain control of the Senate, and because he got upset when his candidate, Luther Strange, lost in the Republican primary earlier this year to Moore, the President doesn’t want to be seen as on the “wrong side” of politics. He wants his side to always win, no matter what. Because that’s what matters most of all.

I mean, at this point, how can you come to any other conclusion? How else are we supposed to interpret this? Nothing matters except politics.

Nothing.

As of me writing this Saturday night, no one else beyond Tweeden has accused Senator Franken of sexual misconduct or harassment or assault. If another accuser does come forward, all of the calls for Franken to resign (and they no doubt will be louder than ever before) are bullshit garbage. The only thing that matters is politics. “My side” winning is more important than “the other side” winning. Fuck the other side.

So good going, President Trump. You’ve helped make sexual assault in the realm of politics okay. Winning is the only thing that matters full stop.

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And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

Senator Al Franken, Democrat of Minnesota, for his behavior towards Leeann Tweeden on that USO tour in 2006. Why did you think it was appropriate to forcibly kiss a woman against her will? The groping picture is horrendous, too, but this “kissing” story is beyond the pale. Who gives a fuck if you’re a celebrity or a comedian and you were just “engaging in a joke”/”rehearsing” for a bit later on? Why did you think that was okay/a good idea? I know you “don’t remember it that way,” but shit, Al, what the fuck? And what the fuck do you remember? Goddamit, Al.

Trenton Garmon, lawyer for Alabama U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore, for his disturbing interview on MSNBC. It was okay for Roy Moore to date teenage girls because MSNBC host Al Velshi is of Indian descent? What?

Kay Ivey, governor of Alabama, for for announcing that she will be voting for Roy Moore because he’s the Republican candidate. Yes, the governor “has no reason not to believe” the women accusing Moore of assault and rape and whatnot, but it’s far more important to get a Republican elected because, as the President’s actions show, the only thing that matters is politics. Morality? Christian morality? They don’t mean anything.

Comcast, for ending the Chiller network. Comcast never really invested in the channel, so it’s no surprise that it’s ending. It still sucks. Now the closest thing we have to a horror channel is the El Rey Network and the Sci Fi Channel, and how long will those channels last before they’re ended so we can have another channel that shows Friends reruns?

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