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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: President Donald Trump

February 12, 2018 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Donald Trump President Trump

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

Every four years we have another Winter Olympics, and every four years “we” have this “discussion” on whether or not curling is a sport and belongs in the Olympics. It’s just people pushing a giant stone thing while standing on a hockey rink and then other people walk in front of it and furiously move brooms back and forth. How is that a sport? And isn’t it just so ridiculous? And then there’s a story about local curling clubs and teams and how fat and or old people participate and are inspired by the Olympics and how wonderful it all is.


Can we please just stop this shit? It’s not cute or funny or amusing or interesting anymore; it’s just goddamn annoying.

Curling is a winter Olympic sport because the Olympic committee decided it belongs as part of the games. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s ridiculous. The committee wants it as part of the games, so it’s part of the games. If you don’t want to watch it, fine, don’t. There are other competitions to watch, like ice skating or the biathlon or that luge thing. Leave the curling people alone.

If you want to complain about something with the Olympics, perhaps you should complain about the Olympics officially starting before the opening ceremonies. How can the Olympics start before they start? Isn’t the opening ceremony supposed to, you know, open the games? And I don’t give a shit if the Olympics, either winter or summer, have done that before. Having the opening ceremonies after the games start makes no sense. It just doesn’t.

This madness needs to stop. Goddamit!

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.



This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to Douchebag Hall of Famer, 2017 Douchebag of the Year, and (Jesus Christ) 45th President of the United StatesDonald Trump, for three things that happened last week.

First, there was the “the Democrats were treasonous for not clapping for me during the State of the Union” remark. Yes, because the State of the Union is always all about all members of Congress clapping for anything and everything the President says. The party out of power has never shown its displeasure/disagreement with the President by not clapping during the speech except every single State of the Union speech in recent memory. Yes, I know, the President and his surrogates have said that the “treasonous” remark was just a tongue-in-cheek remark, just a joke, no big deal, but the idea that the party out of power is “treasonous” for not agreeing with you is just so much bullshit. If the President had simply said “they were wrong” and “their anger is misguided,” no one would have cared all that much. That would have been politics. But treason? Fuck you, Mr. President.

Second, there was the President deciding not to allow the release of the Democratic rebuttal memo to the Representative Nunes/Republican memo regarding the FBI and the ongoing Russian investigation. The Democratic rebuttal wasn’t in “the proper form,” it “exposed methods and practices,” and it’s apparently wrong to do that. However, the President declassified the Nunes memo despite major objections from the FBI over the memo exposing potentially sensitive methods and practices. So, is it safe to say that exposing methods and practices is okay as long as it helps you politically, but it’s an affront to national security when exposing methods and practices makes you look like a liar and that you probably have something to hide?

I think it is. I mean, what other conclusion am I supposed to come to? How is this decision nothing more than outright bullshit and yet one more part of an attempted cover-up? I don’t see how you can come to any other conclusion.

And third, there was the President’s response to the Rob Porter domestic abuse allegations. Goddamit, this is so fucking easy and yet the President botched it. Instead of simply saying, “This is not the Rob Porter we know. We take all allegations of domestic abuse seriously. Rob Porter has resigned. We will now let the process play itself out,” the President complimented Porter, said he was a good man, wished him well, and said nothing about Porter’s alleged victims. And now there are major questions as to how long the President’s team knew about the allegations, why Porter was allowed to look at classified information with a proper security clearance, and why the President’s chief of staff John Kelly apparently didn’t know about this stuff, or knew about it and did nothing about it until the allegations were made public.

Jesus Christ, how much worse can it get? How many more massive fuck ups will this President be allowed before someone tells him to cut the shit and stop making news? Why can’t the President have one goddamn week without some scandal erupting?

And, no, this isn’t a case of “the deep state and the liberal media out to destroy the President” or any of that bullshit. This is Donald Trump fucking up on his own again and again with no end in sight. He can’t keep his mouth shut, he can’t stop making things look like a massive cover-up, and his staff is filled with some of the worst people imaginable.

How much worse can it get? How many more fuckups is he going to be allowed before someone on the inside tells him to shape the fuck up? Young presidents are allowed a certain number of fuck ups. Sometimes it takes time for the new team to figure out how the process is supposed to work. Mistakes are always made. But, shit, it’s like they all started last week. How can this go on for three more goddamn years?

It’s just going to get dumber and dumber until it’s all over, isn’t it?


And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

-Congressperson Devin Nunes, Republican of California, for claiming that the Hillary Clinton campaign colluded with the Russians in order to frame Donald Trump. Because that makes sense. Did Hillary Clinton also deliberately lose the election so she could then go on a book tour and make fun of Donald Trump? Does that make any sense? Of course it doesn’t. None of it makes any sense. Which is why Nunes and the right wing media machine will continue to talk about it as if it’s plausible in any real way, which it clearly isn’t.

-Award winning movie director and last week’s Douchebag of the Week Quentin Tarantino, for recent unearthed remarks regarding award winning moviemaker, convicted child rapist, and fugitive from justice Roman Polanski. While appearing on “The Howard Stern Show,” Tarantino claimed that Polanski isn’t a rapist, he’s just someone who had sex with children (Polanski’s underage victim willingly had sex with the director, according to Tarantino). I guess that makes it okay then? Jesus Christ, man, how fucking stupid can one person be? Polanski’s then 13-year old victim was “down with” taking pills and whatnot and getting fucked in the ass? On what planet does that make fucking sense? Well, Tarantino is an auteur, just like Polanski, so he understands, on some level. Polanski’s perversions? Is that what’s happening here?

And then there’s the ongoing Kill Bill controversy, as Keith Adams, the stunt coordinator for that production, recently claimed that there were no stunts scheduled the day of the Uma Thurman car crash, and that he probably wouldn’t have allowed the car stunt to happen without modifications to the car. And check out Tarantino’s “We didn’t think it was a stunt. It was just driving.” Yep. Just driving. Down a narrow dirt road in a rickety, piece of shit car. Nothing to worry about there.

Tarantino really is a piece of shit, isn’t he?

-Cable operator Spectrum and Northwest Broadcasting, for their ongoing carriage dispute. Look, I don’t give a fuck who did what to who, who wants more money or who is the bigger fucking douchebag, I just want to my TV channels back so I can watch them. And, motherfucker, the Daytona 500 is this fucking Sunday. I want to watch the goddamn thing via my cable provider, not via the Fox Sports Go app or whatever the fuck it is (and I sure as hell don’t want to get an antenna, as this isn’t the fucking 1970’s). So, come on, Spectrum and Northwest Broadcasting, figure it the fuck out and give me back my channels.

The “liberal” media, for speculating on whether or not Oprah Winfrey was going to run for President in 2020. It was never going to happen. Sure, Oprah’s Golden Globe speech was “inspiring” and whatnot, but why the hell would she ever want to run for President? Why would she want to stop being Oprah Winfrey, mega rich celebrity who can do whatever the hell she wants, to be President of the United States? The pay cut certainly wouldn’t be worth it, and, shit, she probably deals with enough general aggravation running her Oprah Winfrey business. Why the hell would she want to deal with the world at large? The whole story was just nonsense from the beginning. Jesus Christ.


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