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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: R. Kelly

March 13, 2019 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
R. Kelly

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.


Can someone explain to me what the point of “injecting real life into pro wrestling” is supposed to accomplish beyond confusion? On last week’s edition of Monday Night Raw, Triple H came out to address the backstage attack on Ric Flair by the returning Batista that happened the week before. Throughout his remarks on the incident, Triple H kept referring to Flair by his real name, Richard Fleihr, and made it sound like what’s going on is somehow “beyond pro wrestling.” What happened, and what was happening, was “real.” And the rivalry/issues would eventually be settled via…?

A fight? In a pro wrestling ring? On a pro wrestling show?

What? How does any of that make sense? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to keep things within the realm of the show and business you’re in instead of trying to make it “more than that?” Because, shit, if this is now all real, why not call the cops on Batista and have him arrested for assault? Why have a “real” fight at all? Do people in the real world do that sans consequences?

This whole thing is fucking stupid. It’s pro wrestling. Make it about pro wrestling. Putting in “real names” and “backstage shit” to try to make the audience think “it’s a shoot!” is just pointless nonsense. Triple H could have made it all about Ric Flair being his hero and mentor and all the shit they went through in the Evolution group back in the day. That would have made more sense and, on a pro wrestling show, would have been more interesting.

This “real life” shit has to stop. It’s ridiculous.

Am I the only one annoyed by this kind of shit?

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.



This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to now disgraced musician, performer, and celebrity R Kelly, for his behavior during that disastrous CBS interview with Gayle King. Kelly, who has been accused of both physical and sexual abuse (and I would say credibly accused), was interviewed by CBS News’s Gayle King in an attempt to explain away the various allegations against him and get “his side” of the story out there. All Kelly had to do was not look like a liar or a lunatic during the interview, keep his cool, answer all of King’s questions, and “get his story out there.” That’s it. He was never going to win over everyone, but he could, at least, provide an instance of doubt for both his ardent fans and people who maybe didn’t have an opinion on the case.

So what did Kelly do? He lost his fucking mind. He flipped out. He got out of his chair, started screaming, yelling, crying, claiming that his life and career was over. In short, he did the exact opposite of what he was supposed to do.

Now, Kelly and Kelly’s fans would want you to believe that Kelly’s behavior was proof of an innocent man deeply upset about the heinous lies put out about him. As Kelly said during the interview, why would he (or anyone) deliberately do the things he’s been accused of? It’s insane and stupid. But it’s also insane and stupid to completely lose it on television, make yourself look like a fool, and, in the end, do absolutely nothing to get people onto your side. Why put everyone involved through a pointless spectacle?

I have no idea. The whole thing makes no sense. If I’ve been accused of sexual assault, sexual abuse, of creating my own sex cult with underage people, the last thing I would want to do is go on an unhinged rant in full view of the entire world. I would do my damndest to try to control my own message and not do anything to make things worse for myself. R. Kelly did the exact opposite of those things and made things much, much worse for himself.

Because who believes him now? Who? I’d imagine that even Kelly’s fans and diehards are looking at him with a little less love and admiration now.

So what happens next? Kelly recently was released from jail after being sent there for unpaid child support ($160,000 worth). The authorities will no doubt want to send him back to jail for anything because how can the authorities lose? Whatever money he still has will be taken/lost. And it wouldn’t surprise me if Kelly ends up going down and serving real deal prison time for everything he’s been accused of. I don’t think this will end well for him at all.

R. Kelly is doomed. And it’s his own fault. What an idiot. And what a goddamn douchebag.

What sort of public relations outfit is going to work for him now that he’s done this?


And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

Frankie Shaw, for losing her show and being suspended by ABC for misconduct. The first set of allegations against Shaw, the star and creator of the now cancelled Showtime program SMILF, appeared in December and involved, among other things, “mishandling” the filming of a sex scene. Now, after investigations by Showtime and ABC, both entities have decided that it’s just not worth doing business with her anymore. What the hell else did she do or allow to happen on her show?

-Fox News personality Jeanine Pirro, for her claim that Congressperson Ilhan Omar doesn’t believe in the Constitution because she wears a hijab. What the hell does wearing a hijab have to do with believing in or not believing in the U.S. Constitution? Isn’t this supposed to be the land of the free and all that? And good job making Representative Omar look sympathetic after the recent “she’s anti-Semitic because of what she said about Israel!” controversy. Omar was probably finished. Not anymore.

Oh, and can we please stop with this “Democrat party” shit? It’s fucking stupid.

The Democratic National Committee, for barring Fox News from hosting any 2020 Democratic Presidential debates. Yes, Fox News is awful and terrible and totally in the bag for Trump and the Republican Party, but that’s no reason to stay away from the channel and its audience (sadly, the largest audience in cable news and cable in general). Travel into the belly of the beast and take them on head on. Sean Hannity was always going to trash every single Democratic hopeful no matter what.

Democrats are such wimps sometimes. They really are.

The WWE, also known as World Wrestling Entertainment, for its fucking ludicrous list of “do’s and don’ts” for Tampa Bay officials for the upcoming press conference announcing the site of WrestleMania 36 . Officials shouldn’t refer to the big ass pro wrestling event that’s set to happen in their city as a pro wrestling event? No one outside of the WWE (and that’s what it is, the WWE, not WWE. Fuck that) refers to pro wrestling as sports entertainment because it’s fucking stupid. It’s what the WWE does. Pro wrestling. I’ve learned to accept it. In fact, 99.99999% of the world has come to accept it. It’s high time the biggest and most successful pro wrestling company in the world accepted it, too.

Jesus Christ. What fucking bullshit.


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