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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The 1986 Movie Edition

August 14, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Paul Reiser Aliens Sigourney Weaver

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

This is the third “year” specific douchebag list I’ve compiled for this Douchebag of the Week column, and it sure seems like 1986 had more douchebags than other years, at least in terms of the 1980’s. I’m not sure why that is. I was alive in 1986 and don’t remember it being a particularly douchey year. It was 1986. Chuck Norris had a cartoon on TV, the NWA was kicking ass on Superstation TBS, and the Chicago Bears were a big deal (William “Refrigerator” Perry showed up in the big WrestleMania 2 battle royal and, man, was I pissed that he didn’t win). What was there not to like (you know, besides the Challenger exploding on TV)?

So I thought about it and, wow, 1986 was like douchebag central. There were so many viable and worthwhile douchebags that I couldn’t narrow it down to just five. The year had ten douchebags worth mentioning. 10! How often does that happen?

Well, I’d know the answer to that if I had taken the time to go through each year in 1980’s and figure out who deserved the recognition. I don’t have the time to do that, though, at least not right now. I’ll just say, for the moment, that 1986 is the douchiest year in the 1980’s.

If and when I do this again, what 1980’s year should I tackle next? 1987 and 1985 have already been covered. Should 1984 get the douchebag treatment? 1988? How about that rat bastard 1982? Tell me.

And now, without any further what have you, here’s the Douchebag of the Week: 1986 Edition.

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The 411mania Douchebag of the Week: The 1986 Edition

Honorable Mentions:

MajorPowers1DB

Major Malcolm Powers: Or, I should say Major Malcolm Powers, Annapolis ’71. As played by the future Mr. Marcus Penn, Everett McGill, Major Powers is a Marine with a serious chip on his shoulder. When we meet Powers we find out that he just came over from Supplies and Logistics and that he’s looking to prove himself in combat, because that’s what real men do or some bullshit. He despises Gunnery Sgt. Tom Highway (Clint Eastwood), a cantankerous badass Marine war hero who isn’t too keen on following the Major Powers rules for being a Marine. So Powers butts head with Highway multiple times, get his ass handed to him by Highway in a pit fight, and is humiliated in front of a general who despises him almost as much as Highway (his “you’re a walking clusterfuck as a Marine” line is pretty damn brutal).

On top of that, Major Powers tries to “build an elite company of fighting men” despite not having the slightest clue on how to do that and then, at the end of the movie, walks around the actual war zone he’s sent to taking pictures of the carnage around him with his personal camera. Who the fuck does that in the middle of the fighting?

Exactly. A douchebag. I’ve often wondered if Major Powers went back to Supplies and Logistics. I bet he did.

DetectiveMonteCobra

Detective Monte: As played by the great Andrew Robinson in the classic Stallone action horror flick Cobra, Detective Monte is the cop that hates everything about Stallone’s Cobra and the Zombie Squad, the special team of LAPD cops that deal with the harshest shit in the city. In one sense, you can’t really blame Monte for his general disdain for Cobra. Cobra’s methods are pretty brutal, and with the media breathing down the necks of the police it has to be hard to do the damage control thing all of the time when Cobra shows up. At the same time, Monte isn’t blind. He can see what the cops in LA are up against when it comes to the Night Slasher and the other major crime the city deals with. The only reason Monte seems to be against Cobra’s “army of killers” idea is because Cobra is the one who came up with it. And that’s bad news for everyone. When Cobra punches him in the face at the end, right after the big car chase and small town massacre, Monte deserves it. Perhaps if he wasn’t such a douchebag he could have teamed up with Cobra and could have minimized the carnage. That’s what a smart person would have done.

Come on, Monte. You’re really not a bad guy. You just have to figure this shit out. Cobra isn’t the enemy. The criminals are the enemy. The criminals!

PackardWalsh

Packard Walsh: As played by Nick Cassavetes in The Wraith, Packard Walsh is the kind of douchebag you want to see go down and go down hard. Walsh is a gang leader, he steals people’s cars (yeah, he “races” people for their cars, but it isn’t a fair race, and he has his goons to back him up in the event he “loses,” something he never does), he treats his gang like shit, he’s a murderer (he killed Jamie Hankins because Jamie was banging Keri, the chick Walsh wanted to bang), and he abuses his “girlfriend” Keri (Sherilynn Fenn). Walsh treats her like shit, abuses her, makes her live in endless fear that he’ll kill her, too, and, Jesus Christ, cheats on her with other women. You know, Packard, she hasn’t willingly given herself to you. There’s a reason for that. She doesn’t like you. At all. Have you ever made an effort to get her to like you beyond trying to scare her? No, you haven’t. So you have no one but yourself to blame for the position you find yourself in. Leave Keri alone, man.

But you can’t do that. You have to keep her prisoner just to make yourself feel big and important.

Am I the only one who wanted the Wraith to just shoot Walsh in the fucking head in the big “shoot up Packard’s chop shop” scene?

Fucking douchebag.

BurkePaulReiser

Carter Burke: As played by Paul Reiser in Aliens, it was pretty obvious from the very beginning that Burke was a lying piece of shit douchebag and that he was going to do something heinous while accompanying the Colonial Marines to LV-426. I mean, first off, he’s played by Paul Reiser, who was a comedic douchebag in Beverly Hills Cop, which came out two years before Aliens. Why would a comedian want to go into deep space to check out killer aliens? On top of that, Burke is a corporate executive for the Weyland-Yutani Corporation. That automatically makes him a criminal of some sort. So, again, to me, it was obvious from the beginning of Aliens that Burke was going to do something awful. I just didn’t know what, precisely, he would do.

So what did Burke end up doing? He tried to find a way to bring an alien, a fucking Xenomorph, back to Earth so it could be examined for its military possibilities. It could be a super soldier of some sort, perhaps the ultimate weapon to be used on the Corporation’s enemies. Or perhaps a Xenomorph weapon could be sold to the highest bidder. It’s all just business, right?

I know that, in the deleted scenes for Aliens, we find out that Burke was captured by the Xenomorphs and impregnated with a chestburster while stuck to the wall of the Hive. It’s too bad he didn’t get the small internal alien mouth through the head. Or just his fucking face ripped off. That would have been acceptable.

Of course, I would have been fine with the Marines just blasting his fucking ass.

**

Extra Honorable Mentions:

PhillipBackToSchool

Phillip Barbay: As played by Paxton Whitehead in Back to School, Phillip is the kind of academic that people just hate. Phillip is arrogant, mean-spirited, and completely full of shit. On top of that, he’s jealous that Rodney Dangerfield’s Thornton Melon has a thing for his girlfriend Diane (Sally Kellerman) and Diane has a thing for Melon. That’s outrageous! How could she? And why can’t Melon just be a rich asshole off campus? Why does he have to disrupt the academic environment at Grand Lakes University? And who the fuck has the time to come up with a one question oral exam that’s actually 27 smaller questions? Perhaps if you didn’t have such a gigantic stick up your ass Diane wouldn’t have dumped you for Melon.

And, yes, you were right in wanting to call out Melon for academic dishonesty when he turned in a research paper that he clearly didn’t write. But should he have been expelled for that, especially after he donated all of that money to the school? What’s wrong with a stern warning? I bet he wouldn’t have called for expulsion if Melon didn’t try to get into Diane’s pants.

Frank Needham: As played by James Keach in Wildcats, Frank is a clueless douchebag who just can’t grasp that he doesn’t have all of the answers. Molly (Goldie Hawn) divorced you for a reason, man. You wouldn’t listen to her. You treated her like she was an idiot. And then you tried to get her to quit her dream job, coaching high school football, because it interfered with your life. Pretty low, Frank.

TommyJarvisJasonLives

Tommy Jarvis: As played by Thom Mathews in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives!, Tommy digs up Jason’s body so he can then burn it up and end Jason’s reign of terror. Who the fuck would do that? If Jason is dead and buried in the ground and hasn’t been seen killing people in a good, long while, why the fuck would anyone deliberately dig him up? Yes, Tommy had no idea that Jason’s body would be hit by lightning and rejuvenated, but, again, would anything like that have happened if Jason had remained dead and buried in his grave. Of course not. So, again, who the fuck willingly digs up Jason fucking Voorhees? Leave that shit alone, man. Leave that shit alone. Jesus Christ!

Commandant Mauser: As played by Art Metrano in Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Commandant Mauser is the head of the rival police academy in town. When the state decides that there can only be one police academy and a research committee is formed to see which academy should disband, Mauser tries to cheat immediately. He has moles inside Lassard’s academy (Blanks and Copeland), he tries to get inside information on what’s happening with the committee, and he tries to bribe the committee. Mauser also tries to kiss the ass Commissioner Hurst’s ass, just in case he has any kind of potential influence on the committee’s decision (he doesn’t but he tries anyway). Why not just let the chips fall where they may?

And, man, what’s with the Asian racism?

Do you think Mauser’s eyebrows ever grew back?

JackBurtonMe

Jack Burton: Oh, man, we all love Jack Burton, right? How could he be a douchebag? He doesn’t know that he isn’t the hero. He’s so full of himself that he’s incapable of seeing just how inept he is. And that’s why he’s on the list. The poor man is clueless. We love him, though. We really do. He’s Jack Burton, man. It’s all in the reflexes, right?

And finally, this week’s 411 Douchebag of the Week: 1986 Edition goes to

Douchebag

HendershotMODouchebag

Bubba Hendershot, from Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive. As played by the great Pat Hingle, Hendershot is the owner and operator of the Dixie Boy Truck Stop, the roadside rest stop that becomes the main location for a band of survivors in the midst of the mysterious truck and appliance attack. Before the shit hits the fan, Hendershot is just an asshole boss, forcing employees to work overtime but refusing to pay them for that overtime and not actually caring if any of his employees are hurt (the one guys gets gasoline in his eyes and Hendershot’s solution to the problem is to just “flush his eyes”). When the shit does hit the fan, Hendershot acts like it’s no big deal that an army of trucks have surrounded his diner and that all of the other appliances inside have gone apeshit. It’s still his diner, he’s still the boss, and you will do as he says. Like your job at the diner means anything if there are killer trucks outside (not to mention that army jeep with the m60 on a swivel).

I mean, think about the scene where Hendershot is outraged that the trucks are driving around his diner sans drivers, and the only thing he can say is the trucks are “supposed to be depoted!” Yeah, because, in the midst of a mysterious attack involving trucks that can drive themselves that’s the issue that can’t be explained.

On top of that, Hendershot is also an illegal arms dealer, as he has all sorts of illegal weapons in the basement of his diner. Those weapons do come in handy later on, especially the rocket launchers, but he didn’t have that stuff in his basement because he wanted to be prepared for the one day that the world was attacked by runaway trucks. Why the hell would he think that?

And think about the scene where he tells the son of his dead employee that his father was killed by one of the trucks. Hendershot tells the kid “Tough break.” What a fucking douchebag piece of shit.

Man, I so wanted Hendershot to get run over by the Green Goblin truck. That would have been perfect. Or by that steamroller that pancaked that kid on the Little League field. That would have been cool, too.

Bubba Hendershot, fucking douchebag supreme. Ha.

**

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