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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The 1987 Movie Edition

May 22, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

Much like 1985, the last time I did one of these “movie douchebags from a specific year” deals, 1987 has quite a few douchebags, too. Unlike 1985, though, 1987 is pretty much an “action movie” douchebag year, although I’m willing to bet that plenty of people would make an argument that the guy in the third runner up slot is in a horror movie. Because, when you look at it, Predator is a slasher movie, except the killer is an alien and the people trapped in the woods are a team of badass Special Forces operators led by Ahnold Schwarzenegger. It’s almost a fair fight, in a way.

Also, 1987 was thirty years ago. Three bunches of ten. That sounds like a better anniversary to celebrate as opposed to a year that happened thirty two years ago, like 1985. Of course, if and when I ever do a 1986 edition (and I probably will, although I’m not sure when the heck that is going to happen. These “special edition” DBotW columns happen whenever I decide to make them happen) that particular column will be looking at stuff that happened 31 years ago. Unless I do that column in 2018. Then we’re back with the whole “32 years” thing.

Maybe that’s the real key to this particular “special edition.” 32 years. Perhaps that is the real secret to the universe.

Yeah, that sounds like bullshit. How the hell would that work? 32 years? Such nonsense.

And so, without any further what have you, here are the top douchebags from 1987:

1987Numbers1

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week: The 1987 Edition

Honorable Mentions:

DanielSternJimmyBornInEastLA

Jimmy- Born in East L.A.: As played by the great Daniel Stern, Jimmy is an American that Cheech Marin’s Rudy meets while stuck in Mexico. Jimmy is a loudmouth asshole but, because he’s been in Mexico for several years, he runs a bar, he knows what’s going on and how to get back over the border to the United States. Jimmy knows people. And Jimmy sort of takes Rudy under his wing, gives him a job, and shows him what he needs to do. Jimmy also charges Rudy for everything he eats, every beer he drinks, and for every night he stays in Mexico. That arrangement wouldn’t bother me so much if Jimmy hadn’t asked Rudy if he liked steak and then, when Rudy said yes, he likes steak, that he’s going to give him some tacos that “taste just like steak.” What kind of tacos “taste just like steak?” I would suspect that if the tacos were made with strips of steak or something they might sort of taste like steak. But a full taco that tastes “just like steak?” Bullshit.

And why the hell didn’t Jimmy just believe Rudy in the first place? Couldn’t Jimmy tell that Rudy was an American? Rudy couldn’t speak Spanish. How the hell would a Mexican from Mexico survive without speaking Spanish?

What a douchebag. I hope someone stole his truck.

DillonPredator

Dillon- Predator: As played by the great Carl “Apollo Creed” Weathers (or “Action Jackson” if you prefer that. I can’t remember what his name is now on Chicago Justice. I could go look it up but I’m way too lazy at the moment to do that. Chicago Justice is a good show, by the way), Dillon is a former Special Forces operator turned CIA asshole that enjoys using people to achieve his goals. The man is a professional liar, telling Ahnold’s Dutch and his Special Forces rescue team a bullshit cover story about rescuing a cabinet minister held hostage in the jungle just so Dutch would go into the jungle and wipe out some rebel gun runners that the CIA wanted taken out. And then, after telling Dutch what was really going on and seeing in his “old friend’s” eyes that he was ready to kick the crap out of him, Dillon tried to pull rank and take over the mission. I mean, the guy actually threatened to call his superiors in order to get Dutch into deeper trouble somehow. What a fucking douchebag.

Dillon did eventually sort of come to his senses and work with Dutch and his quickly dwindling team against the Predator and was willing to work with Bill fucking Duke’s Mac to try to corner the alien hunter and take him out. You have to give him some credit for that (he also joined in on the “cut down the jungle with our machine guns and thump guns and shit” sequence, something I didn’t think he would do since he didn’t have a cool, big ass gun like Dutch and the others. And don’t forget the whole “creating gigantic booby-traps in the woods” sequence where everyone who was still alive worked out while building a giant tree thing). Watching Dillon lose an arm and then get a Predator wrist blade up through the gut was almost sad.

Almost.

“Expendable asset.” Ha. That’s what you get for trying to pull a fast one on Dutch and his team. Douchebag. It would have been awesome, too, if Dillon somehow survived the whole thing just so Dutch could beat the shit out of him later, maybe throw him out of the helicopter as it’s flying off. That would have been cool. “Thanks for helping back there. But I still don’t trust you.” Out the side. Ha.

KillianTheRunningMan

Damon Killian- The Running Man: As played by the legendary one-time real life game show host Richard Dawson, Killian is an old show business hand that has managed to make a nice life for himself collaborating with the fascist future government, hosting game shows like “The Running Man” in order to keep the regular masses in check all the while sending prisoners to their death for entertainment’s sake. He projects a suave, funny demeanor for the studio audience and the people watching at home, but in reality he’s a mean-spirited sack of shit who only cares about money and ratings. Look at the way he wanted that janitor fired simply because he wasn’t looking where he was walking (maybe Dan didn’t have the “wet floor” signs up but, shit, I bet the asshole douchebags at ICS don’t even provide something like that. Not in the budget, I bet). And look at the way he treats his make-up guy and his bodyguard Sven. If he hadn’t made fun of Sven’s potential steroid problem perhaps Sven would have punched Ahnold Schwarzenegger’s Ben Richards in the face, giving Killian enough time to run away. That’s why you always treat the people directly under you with respect.

And then there’s the whole thing where Killian sends Ben old prison buddies Laughlin (the great Yaphet Kotto) and Weiss (Marvin J. McIntyre, who isn’t bad at all) into the game after telling Richards that he wouldn’t. That’s just cold and very uncool. Show business people may break promises to people all of the time but that’s still no excuse. It’s bullshit.

So, yeah, I smiled when Richards forced Killian to “participate” in the game he hosted, at least for a minute or so. Face pulled back from the speed of the cage boat thing, probably watching his terrible life pass before his eyes. I bet Killian shit his pants while flying into that Cadre Cola sign and exploding.

Fuck you, Killian. Fuck. You.

JasonCutlerOvertheTop

Jason Cutler- Over the Top: Played by the now late but always great Robert Loggia, Jason Cutler is a mega rich asshole who has a real hard on hatred for Sylvester Stallone’s Lincoln Hawk (or Hawks. I’m still not sure what his actual name is). Apparently Cutler believes that Hawk is a deadbeat who abandoned his daughter Christina (Susan Blakely) and his son Michael (David Mendenhall). Hawk, though, believes that his father-in-law was the reason he broke up with his wife. Jason was, in Hawk’s words, “tearing us apart.” Who is right? Who is telling the truth?

Lincoln Hawk, of course. He admits, several times, that he wasn’t always the best guy in the world and that he had to work really, really hard to obtain the meager possessions that he managed to get, and that he probably should have found a way to make the situation better. He wrote letters to his son from the road, he tried to keep in touch, and his truck is full of pictures of Michael. And what does Jason Cutler bring to the table, besides unimaginable wealth and Terry Funk as a bodyguard? Lots and lots of scowling, plenty of yelling, and a generally horrible attitude.

He kept all of Hawk’s letters from Michael, had them stashed away somewhere (I’m shocked he didn’t just throw them out. Perhaps Christina secretly kept them?). He wouldn’t allow Hawk to attend Christina’s funeral. And when Michael specifically said that he wanted to spend time with his father/get to know him, etc., Jason had Hawk thrown in jail. Yes, Hawk did drive his truck through Jason’s expensive front gate and destroyed a fountain, but Jason Cutler started it. Jason Cutler should have known that Hawk would do something crazy.

And that big check he offered Hawk in the hotel room in Vegas? Why not write a check for a million? Jason Cutler has the money to spare. How insulting.

The movie makes it seem as though, because Michael sees his father win the big final Over the Top arm wrestling contest that Jason is going to leave things alone, let Michael live with his father, and just move on with his life and, maybe, create some kind of new relationship with Hawk. I doubt that, though. Jason Cutler doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that backs off forever. And Terry Funk did get pushed/thrown through that door. I bet he wanted revenge for that.

RogerLatimerNerds2DBOTW

Roger Latimer- Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise: Played by Bradley Whitford, Roger is the head of the Fort Lauderdale chapter of the Alpha Beta fraternity and chairman of the big fraternity convention being held at the Royal Flamingo Hotel, where the nerds from Lambda Lambda Lambda at Adam’s College are also participating. We know that Roger despises the lead Lambda Louis Skolnick and the other Adams College Lambdas the first time we see him. He just oozes utter contempt from his body language alone. Roger and his fellow Alpha Betas trick the nerds into attending a fake barbecue which turns into a weird beard Indian sacrifice thing where the AB “Indians” steal the nerds’ clothes and try to scare them away. That scheme doesn’t work, so we then see Roger try to implement new rules into the national fraternity thing that would require fraternities to meet certain physical standards alongside academic standards, an obvious attack on the athletically inept nerds. The nerds manage to convince voters to vote against the “physical standards” requirement, which just pisses Roger off (how dare those nerds put together a rocking concert performance that rallies voters to their side?).

Now, you’d think that after refusing to cower in the face of racially insensitive scary Indians and beating back his physical standards scheme that Roger would have just quit his bullshit and just finished off the conference. He didn’t have to suddenly like the Lambdas but they clearly were not going to back down so why continue on with another pile of shit to get rid of them? But Roger couldn’t help himself. Roger concocted a third scheme, a scheme that would likely send him to jail in real life.

Roger befriends the Lambdas, allows them to borrow his car so they could all go to the beach, and then he reports his car stolen and the Lambdas are arrested. And then, after the Lambdas manage to make bail and get out of jail, Roger kidnaps the Lambdas and takes them out to a deserted island where he plans to leave them for the rest of the conference (or maybe forever, who knows?). With the Lambdas out of the picture and unable to defend themselves, Roger plans on bringing up a vote to have the Adams College Lambdas permanently expelled from the conference as getting arrested is a major violation.

Of course, Roger’s final big scheme didn’t work out. The Lambdas find a way to get off the island, get back to the hotel and plead their case at the conference (well, that was the Lambdas’ plan, but they never really got a chance to plead their case and explain, in detail, what happened to them). Now, you’d think at this point, after seeing the nerds appear at the hotel in an amphibious truck that they manage to find and dig up on the island that he would have just admitted defeat. The Adams College Lambdas, the nerds, bested him. Again. But, no, Roger just couldn’t slink away as a total failure. Roger had to show Skolnick, the rest of the Lambdas, and the rest of the fraternities at the conference, that he was important and a real man. Roger made the following speech:

“Okay, maybe I did (frame the Lambdas). What are you going do about it, Skolnick? You going to make a little speech? It’s not going to do any good. Want to know why? Because I’m strong and you’re weak. Because I’m the type of guy that everybody here wants to be like, and you are pathetic. That’s the way it is. That’s the way it’s always going to be. And there’s nothing you or your pencil-neck geek friends can do or say about it. Comprende, dickhead?”

Roger is then punched in the face by Skolnick and knocked into the pool, a final humiliation.

Roger deserved that punch to the face, and deserved whatever bad thing that came his way after the conference was officially over. I hope he ended up getting arrested for making a false report and kidnapping. I hope Roger went to prison, a place where he would no doubt meet plenty of people much stronger than him.
Ha. Roger Latimer in prison. That would make for a funny movie, don’t you think? Fuck yeah it would.

NathanWhiteDeathWish4

”Nathan White”- Death Wish 4: The Crackdown: Now, I’m calling this guy, brilliantly played by the now late but always great John P. Ryan, “Nathan White” because we never really learn his actual real name. Ryan’s character in the movie is a drug dealer who concocts a scheme to use Chuck Bronson’s vigilante Paul Kersey as a hitman of sorts so he can take out the two major Los Angeles drug runners, a gang led by Ed Zacharias (Perry Lopez) and a gang led by Jack and Tony Romero (Mike Moroff and Dan Ferro). Ryan poses as White, a rich guy who lost a family member to drugs and wants revenge. Kersey isn’t interested at first, but Ryan’s White blackmails him into it (Ryan’s White knows that Kersey is the mythical vigilante that we saw kill scumbags in Death Wish 1-3). And Kersey’s girlfriend’s daughter Erica (Dana Barron) is killed via drug overdose, so Kersey is pissed about that.

So “White” provides Kersey with information, intelligence, weapons, and whatever else he needs to get the job done. And since Paul Kersey is goddamn Chuck Bronson Kersey kills damn near everyone. And if “White” had been who he claimed to be, the whole thing would have been a kind of “feel good” situation. Who doesn’t want to see drug dealing scumbags wiped out? But then “White” had to be a new drug lord who wants to get rid of the competition.

On top of fucking around with Kersey’s emotions and making him a hitman for a drug dealer, “White” also kidnaps Kersey’s girlfriend Karen (Kay Lenz) and then, at the end of the movie, kills her right in front of Kersey. “White” shoots the poor woman in the back. What a fucking piece of shit douchebag.

And he actually has the nerve to blame Kersey for Karen’s death! It’s Kersey’s fault!

He absolutely deserved this. Without question.

I wonder what “Nathan White”’s actual name was. Tom? Smith? What if it was meant to be John P. Ryan? That would have been weird as hell.

And finally, this week’s 411 Douchebag of the Week: 1987 Edition goes to

Douchebag

DickJonesRobocop

Dick Jones- Robocop: As played by Lt. Bogomil hisself Ronny Cox, Dick Jones is a seriously corrupt top executive for Omni Consumer Products, the mega corporation that runs the Detroit Police Department. How corrupt? First off, his big OCP police product idea is a robot, the ED209, that has major firepower but is prone to malfunctioning and blowing people away. The malfunction, though, isn’t a big deal to Jones. It’s just “a glitch, a temporary setback,” as he thinks that the ED209 can eventually be sold to the military, where the big bucks are made. That’s all that Jones cares about. Money. Making the big sale. It doesn’t matter if the product sucks and doesn’t work. That’s horrendous.

Second, his big speech to new junior executive vice-president Bob Morton (Miguel Ferrer, Jr.) in the bathroom is exactly why people in general hate corporate executives. He talks about the ED209 military sale and all of the money lost from not doing it, but mostly he’s just insulted that Morton didn’t tell him about Robocop and went over his head to the “Old Man.” In the eyes of Dick Jones, he lost face, he was disrespected, and that’s ultimately the most important thing. Lost respect? Really, Dick? When the other executives found out you were taking a shit in the bathroom they all stopped talking and ran out. That guy that was talking with Morton, he left the bathroom before he finished pissing. The company doesn’t respect you? Isn’t fear the same as respect in your situation?

Third, he sends Clarence Boddicker to kill Bob Morton. Morton was right in the middle of a nifty cocaine threesome and Boddicker shows up, kneecaps Morton, steals some of his cocaine, and then makes him watch a CD message where Jones explains how he’s “cashing you out, Bob,” while placing a futuristic hand grenade on the coffee table, just out of reach. Boddicker is a motherfucker and a douchebag, yes, but he’s also a ruthless street criminal and the world expects him to be a douchebag motherfucker. He’s just following orders. Jones is the one who came up with the whole scheme. Why not just have Boddicker shoot Morton in the head and be done with it? Why make him watch that goddamn CD before his house explodes? That’s messed up.

Fourth, Jones created Directive 4. Directive 4 prevents Robocop from arresting any senior executives of OCP, even if they’re terrible criminals. That’s just bullshit. Jones knew that, eventually, Robocop would come for him. Smart planning? Maybe. But it’s still awful.

And finally, Jones actually thought that he was going to get out of OCP headquarters via helicopter if he held the Old Man hostage. He didn’t realize that the Old Man could fire him in the midst of his hostage situation and Robocop would finish him off (if Jones is fired he’s no longer a senior OCP executive)? What a douchebag.

So congrats, Dick. You won.

Why the hell did the Old Man keep Jones around? Am I the only one who has been wondering that since first seeing Robocop?

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