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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The 1990 Movie Edition

April 17, 2018 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Total Recall Ronnie Cox

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

So far, I’ve done a few of these “specific year in movies list of douchebags” pieces, but they’ve focused on movies from the 1980’s ( 1985, 1986, and 1987). I could have ventured back into the 1980’s again for this week’s issue, but I decided to branch out and do a different decade. The 1990’s seemed like a good decade to branch out into. And I figured, if I’m going to start doing the 1990’s, why not start with the year that started the 1990’s, 1990? Made sense to me.

And so, without any further what have you, here are the top douchebags from 1990:

1990Logo

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week: The 1990 Edition

Honorable Mentions:

LernerManiacCop2

Edward Doyle: As played by Michael Lerner in Maniac Cop 2, Doyle is the commissioner of the NYPD at the time of the movie, and one of the men responsible for railroading officer Matt Cordell into prison and essentially creating the Maniac Cop. That alone is enough for appearing on this list. But Doyle also does something astounding when confronted by the truth in Detective McKinney’s car, something that’s so goddamn ridiculous I’m amazed Lerner didn’t burst out laughing when he did the scene. What the hell am I talking about here?

Well, when McKinney refuses to pull the car over after Doyle figures out what McKinney is up to, Doyle pulls out the smallest .38 in the history of movies and actually threatens to shoot McKinney with it. Now, in real life, getting shot anywhere with a .38 is pretty awful, but this is a Maniac Cop movie and an action movie that exists in the late 1980’s/early 1990’s. Anything less than a .45 is chickenshit lame. Only a pussy would pull out a .38. When McKinney tells Doyle “That’s a dumb fucking thing to do,” he ain’t kidding.

It’s too bad Cordell didn’t get a chance to set Doyle on fire, too. Douchebag.

FelixNashErnestGoestoJail

Felix Nash: This is the evil character played by Jim Varney in Ernest Goes to Jail, a death row inmate and career criminal who looks like our hero Ernest (also played by Varney). Nash ends up switching places with Ernest, leaving Ernest to serve his death sentence while Nash gets to live a relatively quiet life while doing Ernest’s job (he was a janitor at a bank) and trying to put the moves on Ernest’s fellow bank employee Charlotte. And on top of all of that, Nash tries to rob the bank while blowing it up.

What a piece of garbage. I know prison is awful and tough and the warden was an asshole, but why railroad poor Ernest into serving out your death sentence? Ernest doesn’t deserve that. Why couldn’t you have been a man, Nash, and just accepted your sentence? You did the crime, why not do the time?

Absolutely disgraceful.

PeterKeyesPredator2

Peter Keyes: As played by the great Gary Busey in Predator 2, Peter Keyes is the leader of a team of government operators and scientists looking for the Predator, the alien hunter that keeps showing up on Earth “in times of heat and great conflict” to kill people and shot for trophies. I get why he appears in Los Angeles as the head of a DEA task force looking into the gangs that run the drug business on the West Coast. It sounds like a plausible cover story for working in Los Angeles in the middle of a major drug war. And I get why Keyes, and the government in general, would want to “make contact” with an alien as there’s all kinds of shit you can learn about the universe and weaponry and whatnot from an alien. But what galls me is that Keyes, a smart guy, isn’t smart enough to get the fuck out of the meat locker warehouse he has set up to capture the Predator once the Predator figures out what’s going on and kills his entire strike team.

I mean, Jesus Christ, all Keyes has on him is a gun that shoots, what, nitrogen or some shit? Yes, the original plan was to somehow freeze the Predator and liquid nitrogen sounds like a good way to do that, but once the Predator kills everyone, it’s obvious that that shit ain’t happening anymore. So why not get the fuck out of there and regroup? Why not go back to the monitor trailer and get a big ass gun? How are you still going to freeze the fucking alien when you are outnumbered and outmaneuvered?

You’re goddamn right it makes no sense.

Fucking dumbass. He deserved getting cut in half.

VernonTrentHardtoKill

Vernon Trent: As played by great douchebag actor William Sadler, who also rocked the douchebag in 1990 in Die Hard 2, Vernon Trent is a corrupt politician with mob ties and hopes of greater political office. When cop Mason Storm (Steven Seagal) records Trent confabbing with criminals, Trent sends a team of goons to kill Storm, his wife, and his young son. I understand why he wants to take out Storm. Storm is a cop, and cops are the enemies of criminals all over the world. It makes sense to go after him. But Storm’s wife and son? They’re free game? What kind of bullshit is that?

It’s cruel, man. You don’t go after a man’s family simply because you have a problem with him. Trent’s goons could have waited for Storm to leave for work the next day and tried to take him out then. They didn’t have to do anything that night, despite Trent wanting something done immediately.

Am I the only one who loves it when Storm jams the double barrel shotgun into Trent’s mouth, breaking most of his teeth? Is that not just one of the greatest things you’ve ever seen?

CarlBrunerGhost

Carl Bruner: As played by Tony Goldwyn in Ghost, Carl is a truly terrible human being. It’s bad enough that he’s laundering money for criminals, but Carl also has his best friend Sam killed in order to further his big criminal money laundering scheme. What kind of piece of shit does that, hires a street thug to kill a man in front of his girlfriend? Yeah, Carl was in perpetual fear of his own life since the criminals he was working for/with are not the kind of guys you fuck around with. So why did he get involved with them in the first place? What sort of money or whatever did they give him in order for him to become a guy that has his best friend killed? Who does that?

It’s too bad that the broken window didn’t decapitate him at the end. Piece of fucking garbage.

MajorGrantDieHard2

Major Grant: As played by James Evans, Sr. hisself, John Amos, in Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Major Grant seems like a good guy at first. He’s brought in to deal with Colonel Stuart’s team of scumbag ex-Special Forces operators and he seems to have a real burning need to beat the shit out of the Colonel and kill the fucker. He also tells Captain Lorenzo to shut the fuck up and allows McClane to participate in the assault on the church. How could you not get behind the one guy, outside of the airport’s operations chief played by Fred Dalton Thompson, who gets that McClane is there to help?

Well, as we find out in the truck right after the church explosion, Major Grant isn’t a good guy at all. Major Grant is part of Colonel Stuart’s big scheme and just as a big of a piece of shit as Stuart. And on top of all of that, Major Grant slits a young soldier’s throat because that particular young soldier wasn’t part of the plan (the soldier replaced a guy who was sick at the last minute). Why not read him in on the scheme? I bet he would joined up with the team considering the amount of money involved. Or he could have just told the soldier to stay back at the airport to “coordinate” something. But no, Major Grant had to slit the dude’s throat.

Motherfucker.

I mean, it’s not like Major Grant had any plans to return to the U.S. military after arriving via plane to whatever non-extradition country Franco Nero’s Esperanza was going to fly to. That young soldier could have been safely left behind. What the hell did he know about the fucking team?

Motherfucker.

I still thoroughly enjoy what happens to Major Grant at the end. I hope he felt enough of it, considering it takes like two seconds to get chopped up like that. I hope it was two seconds of pure fucking hell.

Motherfucker.

And finally, this week’s 411 Douchebag of the Week: 1990 Edition goes to

Douchebag

CohaagenTotalRecall

Vilos Cohaagen: As played by Dick Jones/Bogomil hisself, Ronny Cox, in Paul Verhoeven’s Total Recall, Cohaagen is the governor/administrator for the planet Mars in the year 2084. On the surface, he’s a busy guy just trying to keep the Mars settlement running. He’s dealing with mutant rebels, people fucking around with the glass domes that allow humans to breathe, and whatever bullshit the authorities on Earth want him to focus on (like finding a way to mine more turbinium, the big deal mineral that apparently has made life great for everyone alive or some bullshit). However, what Cohaagen is really up to is concocting a massive conspiracy in order to infiltrate the mutant resistance and kill a bunch of people. And that’s his plan before he decides not to allow the people left in Venusville to breathe by shutting off the air.

I’m also not too fond of his views on women (all women should be “respective, compliant, and appreciative.” Since when, asshole?).

And am I the only person who thought that Cohaagen was lying when he said that he believed that turning on the alien machine at the center of Mars would destroy the planet? Because, think about it, if Mars ever gets an atmosphere he can no longer charge people money to breathe. If he loses money the people he works for will lose money, and, well, he just doesn’t look like the kind of guy that’s all that interested in losing money in any context. I mean, in the big scheme of things, mining turbinium can only take you so far.

So, yeah, he definitely gets what he deserves when he dies on the surface of Mars just before the planet officially gets an atmosphere. He was just a few minutes away from being able to survive and breathe just like Quaid and Melina did. The bastard probably suffered, and I’m cool with that. I hope he felt every fucking thing.

“Don’t do anything. But they won’t last an hour, sir. Fuck ‘em. It’ll be a good lesson for the others.”

Fucking douchebag.

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