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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Chicago 4

January 9, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.


With this coming Friday being Friday the 13th, how many of you will make an effort to watch a Friday the 13th movie at some point during the day? I know that one of the Epix channels is doing a Friday the 13th marathon (I think it’s Epix Hits, although Epix Drive In would have made more sense), so there’s that option. And I’d imagine that most horror movie nerds have all or some of the Friday the 13th movies in their collections, and the movies are all over the place (streaming services, on demand, etc.), so it’s not like we don’t have access to the movies. I hope to be participating at some point during the day, although I’m not sure when that will be. I haven’t seen the first Friday the 13th in a long time, and it may be time to make an effort to watch that again. But then parts 4-8 are the ones that I tend to watch again and again when I’m in a Friday the 13th mood.

Now, should Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday and Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason be a part of the marathon festivities? They are, in essence, Friday the 13th movies since Jason Voorhees is in them. But since they’re not called Friday the 13th, is it a good idea to dismiss them and maybe hold them for Saturday the 14th? Or does it matter? Me? I say include them. Jason Goes to Hell is on the Sci Fi Channel on Friday, so if you want to watch the edited for TV version of that movie, there you go.

Well, regardless of what Friday the 13th/Jason movie you do end up watching, realize that we don’t get another Friday the 13th in 2017 until October. Do you really want to wait that long to watch a Friday the 13th movie on Friday the 13th?

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.



This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to the Chicago 4, for what they did to that special needs kid. And what did the four assailants (Jordan Hill, Tesfaye Cooper, Brittany Covington, and Tanisha Covington) do? They kidnapped an eighteen year old kid, tied him up, tortured him, beat the shit out of him, cut him with a knife, and, among several other things apparently, made him drink toilet water. They also broadcast a good portion of the torture live on the internets (on Facebook Live). And why did the Chicago 4 do this? What made them think beating a young man with “mental health challenges” was a good idea?

No one has said. The authorities in Chicago, as of this writing, haven’t released a possible motive. The assailants didn’t reveal anything in court during their arraignment. Parents and friends and whatnot haven’t released any information that I’m aware of. Some have speculated that it was a racially motivated crime as the four assailants, all black, made racist comments during the video while attacking the 18 year old young man, who was white (the Chicago 4 have been charged with a hate crime for what they said during the video). Some have said that the incident could also be politically motivated, as the assailants demanded that the young man say “Fuck Donald Trump.”

I’m sure, on some level, all of those things are a part of this incident. But, based on what’s been revealed so far about the attack, I doubt that there was any grand motivation beyond sadism. It may not have started out as a “let’s fucking torture a white kid for kicks” thing, but that’s what it eventually became. And regardless of what the Chicago 4’s lawyers and whatnot will say in the coming days and weeks, there’s absolutely no excuse for what they did to that kid.


I don’t care if they were bored, if there were no after school programs, if their parents weren’t around, if they were upset about the election or the cops or racism or whatever “reasoning” is developed to explain this. There is just no justification for this.

I will say, though, that if sadism is what is determined to be the sole motivating factor of this incident, no one should be all that surprised. People, regardless of where they’re from and who they happen to be, are capable of truly heinous things. People “know” this. History shows it. But what have people done about it?

Nothing. And I’d suspect that people the world over will continue to do nothing about it. Locking up the Chicago 4 is a small start, though.

The Chicago 4 all deserve long prison sentences. They don’t deserve to be free. Let them rot.

And, good God, we’re two weeks into 2017 and we already have viable Douchebag of the Year candidates. That’s goddamn depressing. What the fuck?


And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

Mitch McConnell, Republican Senator from Kentucky and the Senate Majority Leader, for whining about Democrats possibly “obstructing” President Trump’s Supreme Court picks. Because obstructing the President’s Supreme Court picks has never happened before, in any significant way. Jesus Christ. This is the same motherfucker who refused to allow President Obama’s pick for Justice Scalia’s seat because… well, he made up some un-Constitutional bullshit about “waiting until after the election.” McConnell could have voted down Obama’s pick after holding hearings, which is what the Senate is supposed to do. So McConnell and the Republicans can go fuck themselves if the Democrats actually obstruct something. You can’t punch a dog in the face and then get upset when the dog bites you in the ass.

-Douchebag Hall of Famer and woman beater Chris Brown, for getting banned for life from Lifetime Fitness. Just go ahead and read the story at the link and ask yourself why Brown just can’t give the bullshit a rest.

-Entertainer Marian Carey, for the aftermath of her New Year’s Rockin’ Eve performance. Instead of just moving on from the awkward debacle that saw the singer not sing live because of “technical issues,” Carey and her camp claimed that she was sabotaged, that it was all a big scheme to get ratings and create controversy and to humiliate her. Sure it was, Mariah. Sure it was. A giant conspiracy. It was live TV, the conditions were not optimal (it was cold, the place was big and loud, etc.), and stuff happens. If Carey had just said “I was having issues with my earpiece, I couldn’t hear where I was supposed to be” everyone would have laughed it off, accepted it, and her “performance” would have stopped being a story by the middle of the week, if not sooner. But she couldn’t do that. The debacle was someone else’s fault. Pathetic.

-Douchebag Hall of Famer, former Douchebag of the Year, and soon-to-be (Jesus Christ) 45th President of the United States, President-Elect Donald Trump, for tweeting about the low rating for the return of The Apprentice with new host Ahnold Schwarzenegger. Why does Trump give a flying shit? It isn’t his show anymore, he’s about to become the leader of the free fucking world, and doesn’t this motherfucker have more important shit to worry about? Oh, but I forgot, Republican Ahnold didn’t endorse him in the primaries or the general election, so it was payback time.

This is what you asked for, America. Remember that.


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