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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Current TV Commercial Edition

June 4, 2018 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Natalie Portman

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

WatchingTV

In this week’s issue I’ve decided to look at current TV commercials that I can’t stand. I know that tons of people really don’t like watching commercials, which is likely one of the reasons why so many people have DVRs and subscribe to various streaming services, and odds are the only time people actually see commercials is when they’re watching live events, like sports. I tend to watch “live” TV more often than not, both in terms of “regular” TV programming and sports (NASCAR, Indycar, Monday Night Raw), so I see more commercials than most (well, I imagine I do). And, for the most part, every commercial I see is awful, both national commercials and local ones. I will say, though, that the national commercials have better production values. They’re still awful. And it’s those awful national commercials I’ll be talking about in this column (I’ll save the local commercials for some other day). There’s only one commercial I couldn’t find an example of on YouTube, so, I apologize ahead of time for that. The commercial in question, though, is worth talking about.

And so, without any further what have you, here are the douchiest current TV commercials, according to me:

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week: The Current TV Commercial Edition

Honorable Mentions:

Younger

Any “short” commercial for the TV Land show Younger : This is the commercial I couldn’t find an example of on YouTube. There are plenty of longish commercials for the excruciating TV Land show Younger all over YouTube, but these shorter ones that I’m talking about are nowhere to be found. I tend to see them late at night, during reruns of The King of Queens and Mom. These commercials tend to last around ten to fifteen seconds and feature terrible music and moments from the show that try to make the show seem way more important, insightful, and interesting than it actually is. The commercials are also meant to make “sophisticated” viewers feel guilty that they’re not watching the show because, holy shit, Younger is made by the people who made Sex and the City, and we all remember how important, insightful, and interesting that fucking show was. I hate Younger, and these commercials don’t make me hate the show any less. I think I hate the show even more now.

That “Scars” Chevy trucks commercial: I’ve seen multiple versions of this truck commercial many times, mostly during NASCAR events, and I am goddamn sick of the fat guy and his “two bulls smashed into the front of my truck” story. He wants me to wonder just how tough it was to tell his insurance company about what happened. Well, doesn’t his insurance company know what business he’s in, farming and herding and whatnot? Why would it be hard to explain to his insurance company what happened? Wouldn’t the insurance company already have a pretty good idea about what could happen on the ranch or in the field or whatever the fuck? So what unbelievable story is this guy going to have to tell?

And then there’s the woman with the “it’ll be just another chapter in the story” line. Oh, please, just shut up, ma’am, no one is going to want to read or listen to your truck’s story, unless you’re selling it. And even then it won’t be that interesting, will it?

So what the hell is the point of this commercial? If it’s all about telling the TV commercial watching public just how tough and badass the truck is, why not show the truck in action, getting hit by bulls and barbed wire and rocks and missiles and whatever else? Isn’t it better to show and not tell? TV is a visual medium, isn’t it?

Any and all commercials for Panera restaurants: I despise all Panera commercials because of the voice of the announcer. An annoying female hipster talking about “clean” and “natural” food, food that you can eat with a fork (holy shit! A fork! And it’s a metal fork, not one of those plastic forks you get at McDonald’s). Everyone in the commercial is happy because, I guess, everything has lettuce on it. It’s “food as it should be.”

Really? What if I don’t want a thin bread sandwich with organic tomatoes and locally sourced lettuce? What if I want fried goddamn chicken? Does Panera make “clean” fried chicken? If you don’t then why would I want to eat your food? And why the hell would I want to get it delivered?

And I don’t about all of you, but that one commercial with the roll that gets cut in half and it bleeds whatever the hell that yellow liquid is, that shit looks disgusting. Why should I want that?

That Kristen Stewart Dior commercial: Okay, so what the fuck is going on in this commercial? Is it supposed to be some sort of representation of childbirth, or is it some sort of overcoming oppression thing? And whatever the message is actually supposed to be, what does it have to do with perfume? And could Kristin Stewart look any more confused about what’s going on?

And it’s not just this Kristin Stewart commercial. The Natalie Portman “what would you do for love?” commercial is just as perplexing. Who is doing the thing/things for love, Portman or the dude in the commercial or is it someone else? And what the hell do any of the things Portman is seen doing have to do with love or perfume?

And goddamit, what the fuck is this Charlize Theron one about? Why is she climbing to the top of the dome?

Please, someone, anyone, explain to me what the hell is going on here?

And finally, this week’s 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Current TV Commercial Edition goes to

Douchebag

That “Share a Coke with you” commercial: Oh, this fucking commercial. Is the tune catchy? Jesus, yes, it is. You find yourself humming the thing after the second time you hear it. You don’t really remember any of the names of the people in the commercial but you do end up remembering the “share a Coke with you” line at the very end. And that’s just annoying as hell.

What’s even more annoying, though, is how happy these young people are, living their lives while sharing Coca-Cola. They’re all smiling and hopeful about the future and the possibilities. It’s enough to make you sick. The only “good” part of the commercial is when the older girl slams the door in the face of that nerd who thinks he has a shot with her. Please, son. You have no chance with her.

And that little punk with the guitar? Just stop.

I’m thinking about writing a slasher movie where a masked maniac takes out every featured young person in this commercial. Why? Because it’s absolutely necessary. Little bastards.

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Yeah, I think I may watch too much television and way too many commercials. Way too much and way too many. I can’t be the only one, can I?

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