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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Family Guy Edition

September 18, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Family Guy

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

FamilyGuyCastPic

With the recent debut and first week success of Seth MacFarlane’s new TV show The Orville (still haven’t watched it yet), I thought it was a good time to take a look at MacFarlane’s first major TV hit, the animated comedy Family Guy, and the top douchebags that exist within it. The show, which debuted after the Super Bowl in 1999, was funny as hell from the beginning, and nearly two decades later it’s still funny as hell. The show, which came back from cancellation in 2005 because of robust DVD sales and killer ratings via reruns on the Cartoon Network, hasn’t really changed all that much since it began. Yes, some of the characterizations have changed slightly (that kind of thing is bound to happen with a TV show that’s been on for fifteen seasons), but the general rhythm of the show has remained. A main story, a “B” story, a bunch of cutaways that have nothing to do with anything, and an abrupt ending; that’s what Family Guy is all about.

I’ve been a fan of the show since it started. I didn’t know what to expect from the show when I first heard about it (it sounded like a rehash of The Simpsons but with a talking dog and a talking baby) and after the hilarious The Simpsons episode that preceded it (that episode where Homer goes on a bus trip to the Super Bowl), how the hell was this Family Guy thing going to compete with that? Family Guy did compete with that The Simpsons episode, kicked ass, and a new personal obsession was born.

I still love Family Guy. It’s still consistently laugh out loud funny and it still rewatchable (just like The Simpsons). It’s still one of my favorite shows. I personally can’t wait for the new season, season 16, to begin. What kind of nonsense is going to take place in Quahog, Rhode Island next?

And so, without any further what have you, here’s the Douchebag of the Week: The Family Guy Edition.

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week: The Family Guy Edition

First, this week’s honorable mentions:

JamesWoodsFamilyGuy

James Woods: As voiced by the real life James Woods, a Rhode Island native, James Woods on Family Guy is the ultimate Hollywood douchebag. He even sort of admits to being the ultimate Hollywood douchebag, and he’s damn proud of it. He gets what he wants when he wants it because he’s a famous Hollywood star. He’s a drug addict, a man who likes to have sex with young women (the younger the better) despite being old enough to be their grandfather, he has access to doctors that only famous Hollywood people have (they can bring you back from being stabbed to death) and he’s so incredibly vain that if you cross him in any way he will try to destroy your life. Look at what he’s done to both Peter Griffin (he stole Peter’s life and ruined Peter’s chance to earn a living in Hollywood) and Brian Griffin (he destroyed Brian’s TV show idea). What the hell else has he done in the Family Guy universe? The man’s deplorable. And hilarious. How the hell did he get out of that warehouse where he was “being examined by top men?”

QuagmireFamilyGuy

Glenn Quagmire: As voiced by Seth MacFarlane, Glenn Quagmire is a charismatic womanizer who is proud of being a relentless pervert. On paper, that sounds awful, and in many ways, in the “real” life of the cartoon world of Family Guy, it is. Quagmire treats his female conquests like garbage, things to be conquered, and then he moves on to the next one regardless of the emotional damage he may inflict. Of course, Quagmire has also been the “victim” of abuse by female companions (the psycho nymphomaniac that was going to kill him comes to mind), but you never feel sorry for him when he finds himself in those situations. He’s just so awful. And, hell, think about what Peter called him in that one episode of The Cleveland Show, when Quagmire wondered out loud why he didn’t have his own show. “Because you’re a rapist.” He kind of is, isn’t he? And that goddamn “giggity” catchphrase, while still funny most of the time, can really get on your nerves, especially when Quagmire forgets to say it. It’s who you are, man. How is it not so natural that you just say it? Because Family Guy is a comedy and you not saying it is a joke? Some reason.

BrianGriffinFamilyGuy

Brian Griffin: Brian the dog, voiced by MacFarlane, has probably changed the most since the show started. When Family Guy began Brian was smart, well read, and sort of the voice of reason for both the show and the Griffin family (well, a back-up voice of reason, as Lois is probably the lead on that). As the seasons went on, Brian became more of a liberal poser who wasn’t as well read, smart, or sensitive. Brian also became a womanizer similar to Quagmire (but, as Quagmire says in his epic takedown of Brian, Quagmire at least admits to being a womanizer. Brian claims to be a feminist). And Brian also became more of a dog than when the show began: he sits on the floor more often like a dog, he’s afraid of the vacuum cleaner, he seems to eat out of the garbage more often, etc. But what makes Brian a real total douchebag is his ongoing love for Lois. He still wants her so bad, despite being rebuffed countless times and knowing full well that it would destroy his best friend Peter. Will Brian ever figure it out? I doubt it. I really doubt it.

ErnietheGiantChickenFamilyGuy

Ernie the Giant Chicken: Ernie the giant chicken is a recurring character that shows up in the middle of an episode to fight Peter. And when I say “fight Peter” I mean engage in an epic, knockdown, drag out brawl that can literally go anywhere in the world (and sometimes off world, as they have fought in space). Each new fight is more elaborate and insane than the last one, and it makes you wonder how their feud will eventually end. I mean, it has to end at some point, right? A man and a giant chicken can only take so much physical punishment before one of them dies from it, right? Now, the reason I’m including Ernie is the reason for his ongoing fight feud with Peter. And what is that reason? Because Peter attacked him first when he was given an expired coupon. You’d think that Ernie would have called the cops and pressed charges against Peter for assault. That didn’t happen, though. Ernie decided to keep the fights going, losing each and every time. Is your pride that important, Ernie? Just send the cops after Peter, man. Let the authorities do their job. Why is that so hard?

TomTuckerFamilyGuy

Tom Tucker: Tom Tucker, voiced by MacFarlane, is the lead news anchor at channel 5 in Quahog. He’s been featured in a few episodes, like the big murder mystery episode, the one where he dates Peter’s mother, and the one where he reveals that he used to work in Hollywood as George P. Wilbur and played Michael Myers in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, but he mostly appears on the show behind the news desk at channel 5. And it’s there we see the real Tom Tucker. Tom Tucker is a racist, a misogynist, a womanizer, and relentlessly clueless. You’d think that being the father of a son with an upside down face would make Tucker more sensitive to what he says to people, but Tucker is a jerk through and through no matter what. Why the hell do people continue to watch this guy on the news? I mean, he deliberately faked being in the middle of a fire fight between the U.S. Army and Petoria and was caught doing it. You’d think he would have been fired for that. But channel 5 keeps him around. Is it his voice? Is it his penchant for banging hookers (maybe the president of channel 5 likes to bang hookers, too, and it’s a thing they can talk about privately)? Tom Tucker should have been fired a long time ago.

CarterPFamilyGuy

Carter Pewterschmidt: Also voiced by MacFarlane, Carter is Lois’ father and the richest man in Quahog. Carter has consistently used his vast wealth to hold people down, destroy other people’s lives, and influence the world in general. He has no conscience and no sense of humility. See, Carter has been poor before. He has lost everything. You’d think that experience would give him some pause when he became rich again and started doing his usual bullshit. It didn’t, though. Being poor didn’t give Carter any sort of perspective on his life. That’s pretty galling. But then, what do you expect from a guy who hid the cure for cancer from the world? Terrible, terrible person.

And finally, this week’s final/major 411 Douchebag of the Week:

Douchebag

PeterGriffinFamilyGuy

Peter Griffin: Because it had to be Peter. I mean, how could it not be Peter Griffin, the star of the show? He’s clueless, he’s stupid, he’s perpetually insensitive to his wife and children. And look at the way he interacts with his friends. He treats Joe badly (he often makes fun of his disability), he makes fun of Cleveland’s slowness (like Peter has room to talk). The only one he doesn’t consistently make fun of is Quagmire, and Quagmire is a rapist (Peter said it!). What does that say for Peter’s temperament and judgment? And look at the way he treats his best friend in the whole world, Brian the dog! He actually put a gun up to Brian’s head and threatened to shoot him dead. What kind of friend does that?

And look at the way he treats his daughter, Meg. He hates her. Yes, there have been episodes where Peter and Meg grew close, but how long did that closeness last? Exactly. Not very long at all. The next episode Peter was back to punching Meg in the face, farting on her, all of that kind of thing. What a piece of garbage. What a douchebag.

And Lois! Jesus Christ! Why does Peter continually treat her so badly? She hasn’t left him after everything he’s done to her and put her through and said to her. Stop being such a douchebag, Peter! What the hell are you going to do if she decides she’s had enough and really does leave you? It could happen, man. And if it happens, you won’t have anyone to keep you from transforming the house into a puppet again.

Peter Griffin. Douchebag. Ha. That goddamn laugh.

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