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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Jason X Edition

November 6, 2018 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Jason X

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

JasonXCover

Jason X is probably the second least liked Jason/Friday the 13th movie in the twelve movie franchise (I’m including Freddy vs. Jason here). I really don’t understand why. I get why Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is hated as it doesn’t really live up to its premise (I like Jason Takes Manhattan, but I’ll admit that it is a bummer that Jason doesn’t really spend that much time in Manhattan, instead killing recent high school grads on a boat for a majority of the movie). Jason X, however, does live up to its premise of “Jason in space” as it has, well, Jason in space. It also has a badass female cyborg, Uber Jason, that bit where Jason freezes a woman’s face in liquid nitrogen and then smashes her frozen face into a table, and David Cronenberg in it. David Cronenberg? Artist David Cronenberg? How the hell did that happen?

I’m guessing, too, that people just didn’t care for the sci-fi setting. I’m assuming that people wanted Jason in the woods killing people again after not getting that with Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. Of course, waiting nine years for another Jason movie probably didn’t help matters, either (Jason Goes to Hell came out in 1993, while Jason X came out in 2002). While Jason has never really left the pop culture zeitgeist, not having new product consistently can destroy a franchise’s momentum. Jason X did do decent business on home video and television, so people were interested in it. They just “discovered” it later.

And, on top of all that, I’m fairly certain that, with the way Jason Goes to Hell ended, people were waiting for Freddy vs. Jason, and since Jason X isn’t Freddy vs. Jason, no one cared. When Freddy vs. Jason came out, it was number one at the box office for three straight weeks and made over one hundred million dollars, the first time a Jason movie did that (Freddy movie, too).

As I said at the beginning, I like Jason X. I liked it the first time I saw it opening weekend, I liked it the first time I saw it on home video (Jason X is the second DVD I ever bought, right after UHF), and I liked it the first time I saw it “edited for time and content” on TV. I like the sci-fi premise, the female cyborg, and Uber Jason is one of the best Jason designs out there. And it’s cool that artist David Cronenberg is in it as it’s the last thing you expect him to be in. I know it will never happen, but I’d love to, one day, see a sequel to Jason X. Jason X: Jason Takes Earth 2? That shit should be happening tomorrow.

And so, without any further what have you, here’s the Douchebag of the Week: The Jason X Edition. Enjoy.

JasonXFrozenFace

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week: The Jason X Edition

This week’s honorable mentions:

JasonXPrivateJohnson

Private Johnson: As played by Jeff Geddis, Private Johnson is the first soldier we see at the Crystal Lake Research Facility. He’s on guard duty, watching the chained up Jason. He doesn’t like actually like looking at Jason, though, and I think it’s safe to say that he doesn’t like Jason looking at him, either. So Johnson walks up to Jason and throws a blanket over his head and calls him an “ugly bastard.”

Now, we don’t know how Jason breaks out of his chains and whatnot and kills Johnson, but Jason does exactly that. Jason then uses Johnson’s body as a ruse to confuse several scientists and soldiers and whatnot. Would any of that happened if Johnson had just done his job and watched Jason? Possibly, but we don’t know that for sure. All we do know is that Jason was chained up/appeared to be chained up before Johnson threw the blanket on him. If Jason was really free at that moment and was just biding his time to make his move, Johnson could have called in a SWAT team or initiated some sort of containment protocol because he would have been at his post and watching Jason. He could have saved everyone killed after him, maybe even saved himself, and the military could have come up with some other plan to move Jason/continue to dissect him/do research on him/whatever. None of that happened, though. Private Johnson fucked shit up because he couldn’t just do his job.

And I bet that “ugly bastard” comment hurt Jason’s feelings, too. Is he really the kind of guy you want to insult?

JasonXJanessa

Janessa: As portrayed by Melyssa Ade, Janessa is the smart ass student on the Grendel who is also having an affair with Professor Lowe. She doesn’t really contribute anything to the team or the expedition to old Earth and seems to be there to be a smart ass and have an affair with Lowe. Janessa is also there to sort of hang out with her friends and have fun. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t really condone the whole “affair with Lowe” thing, either, but I can’t get too mad at her for that since Lowe clearly wants what she has to offer sexually (there’s no one else in the fucking universe to twist his nipples? No one at all? It has to be one of his students?). The smart ass thing, though, is annoying and always has been. Why can’t she just stop with the banter and quips and shit? There’s a goddamn centuries old zombie killer with a machete coming after you. Why aren’t you running? Why are you talking?

Janessa’s worst thing, though? When she said, just before being sucked through a small hole in the side of the spaceship and into the coldness of space, “This sucks on so many levels!” Really?

How many pieces do you think she was cut into when she was sucked through that hole?

JasonXkInsa

Kinsa: Melody Johnson’s Kinsa is in the midst of a mental breakdown through most of the movie and you completely understand why. She saw her boyfriend Stoney get stabbed through the gut by Jason and got some of Stoney’s blood on her face. And then she, along with everyone else on the ship, is chased by Jason and Jason starts killing more people, soldiers and students, one by one. Kinsa is fucked. It’s only a matter of time before Jason gets her. When the group figures out that they need to get on an escape shuttle to get off the Grendel Kinsa is the first one on board. Maybe she isn’t as fucked as originally thought. All she has to do is wait for the others to get on board so they can all fly away together.

Kinsa doesn’t do that, though. Kinsa, instead, tries to escape by herself, but she forgets to remove the shuttle’s refueling line, the shuttle goes out of control and hits the side of the Grendel and then explodes. Kinsa kills herself and no one gets to escape at that moment. How selfish.

Look, we all get it. Kinsa was scared. Uber Jason was after her. Uber Jason! How the hell do you defeat a cyborg Jason, especially after Uber Jason destroyed the heavily armed cyborg Kay-Em 14? I know that if I was in the same situation I’d want to get as far away as possible from Uber Jason as fast as possible. I don’t think, though, I’d try to launch an escape shuttle without knowing how to do it. Kinsa really didn’t know how to do it. And since she didn’t know how to do it she killed herself and destroyed the shuttle. That’s just terribly selfish.

Being scared is no excuse for being selfish. It just isn’t.

JasonXProfessorLowe

Professor Lowe: As played by Jonathan Potts, Professor Lowe is the leader of the expedition to old Earth and the one who thinks it’s a good idea to bring both the frozen Jason and the frozen Rowan (Lexa Doig) onboard the Grendel. Now, granted, Lowe didn’t know what the hell his team was picking up. They assumed it was just junk/old Earth shit that they could experiment on. When Lowe found out what he had on board, though, after talking to that Dieter guy, Lowe should have sent Jason into space so he could drift around the universe, frozen, forever. Lowe didn’t do that, though. Lowe decided to keep Jason so he could then sell him when they all got back to Earth 2.

Having massive personal debts sucks. Having no way out of them sucks, too. I totally understand why someone would want to sell something potentially super valuable. However, if I found out that the super valuable thing I had is also potentially mega dangerous, I’d try to find a way to not sell it or keep it frozen/locked up. I would want absolutely nothing to do with the consequences of keeping the dangerous thing around. Money does you no good if you’re dead.
Lowe should have figured that out. Lowe shouldn’t have tried to gamble with his life and the lives of his students and the soldiers hired to protect him. He should have knocked Jason into space so he could be space junk forever. That would have been the smart thing to do.

And, as I said earlier with Janessa, why the hell is he messing around with her? He can’t find anyone else in the world to twist his nipples? And he couldn’t have brought her on the trip with him? Why does Lowe need to fuck around with one his students? That’s just messed up, man.

We should have seen Professor Lowe get decapitated. Fucking douchebag.

And finally, this week’s final/major 411 Douchebag of the Week:

Douchebag

JasonXWimmer

Dr. Wimmer: As portrayed by the legendary body horror director/artist David Cronenberg, Wimmer is a military scientist too stupid to see how super dangerous Jason Voorhees is. The only thing Wimmer sees is the research potential in Jason’s tissue. It would be great to know how Jason is Jason, sure, but at the cost of killing damn near everyone in his general vicinity? How does that make any sense? Even in the name of science and military superiority and money, is it worth risking everything and everyone in order to achieve it? I don’t think it is.

Rowan told Wimmer what Jason was, how dangerous he was, how it was stupid to try to move him. Wimmer should have backed up Rowan and frozen Jason. That way Jason would be incapacitated and of no harm to anyone. And maybe, while frozen, they could have cut Jason up into a million pieces and dropped him in lava or acid or some shit like that.

Wimmer didn’t want to do any of that. Wimmer just refused to listen. It was far more important to have Jason “soft” so further research could proceed.

What a fucking douchebag. He knew what Jason could do! He knew how dangerous Jason could be! Why the hell didn’t he just listen?

Goddamn you, Wimmer! I hope that spear through the back hurt like a motherfucker.

JasonXSpear

**

UberJason

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