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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Super Mario Bros. Edition

April 2, 2019 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Super Mario Bros Bullet Bill

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

This past Christmas I received one of the bootleg mini-NES things and, since then, I’ve been getting reacquainted with my video game childhood. I’ve been playing games like City Connection, Burger Time, and Contra, among others, and I have been having a blast. I’ve also been experiencing massive bouts of frustration because, as I haven’t played most of them in damn near twenty years, it took me a while to remember what it was I was supposed to do. I used to be able to blast through Contra with only 3 lives (I had that turbo controller, the one that looks like a batarang, and as soon as I got the “split” rounds the shit was on and I was unstoppable) but, when I first played it on the mini-NES, with 30 lives (Konami code!), I got my fucking ass kicked. I had to play it two times, with the 30 lives, to beat it, and when I beat it I was down to like 8 lives. My skills had seriously atrophied.

SuperMarioBrosCover

I’ve also been playing the original Super Mario Bros., a game that I used to play quite a bit (hell, who didn’t back in the day?). I haven’t been able to beat it again yet, as, much like Contra, my skills are not what they used to be. I’m obviously going to need lots more practice to get to where I need to be in order to beat it. I’m also going to have to get over my frustrations with some of the characters and whatnot in the game. I figure once I get over that stuff and just play the game, I’ll be back where I used to be in terms of my skills.

Still, those goddamn characters. They annoy me. Why are they so damn hard to beat? Douchebag bastards. How the hell did I not have a nervous breakdown back in the day?

Ah, yes. Video game nostalgia. Ain’t it wonderful?

So who are the top Super Mario Bros. douchebags?

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week: The Super Mario Bros. Edition

But first, this week’s honorable mentions:

SuperMarioBrosTrampoline

Trampoline: Well, the trampoline isn’t necessarily a character in the game, but it is something you have to use on some levels in order to progress. I remember being quite good with these things originally, but now I don’t necessarily know when to jump, when to hold on and then jump, and when to avoid them if I can. I’m glad there aren’t that many in the game overall. Still, mastering these again is going to be difficult. Anyone else have trouble with these when you first played the game?

SuperMarioBrosBlooper

Blooper: This is the white squid creature that appears in the water worlds. This douchebag piece of shit keeps crowding me while negotiating those pink seaweed things and, well, just the board in general. Those Cheep Cheep fish things are annoying as fuck, too, but they’re easy to avoid when they’re all around. The fish move in a straight line. The Bloopers, though? Those motherfuckers move up, down, and diagonally. That’s bullshit! I’m going to try to avoid those goddamn water worlds as much as possible. And fuck that “negative world” nonsense.

SuperMarioBrosBuzzyBeetle

Buzzy Beetle: I’ve always despised jumping on these things and then kicking them away because I always fail to avoid them and end up losing fire, height, or a life. I can jump on and then kick away one of those koopa turtles without a problem but the beetle? This motherfucker has my number. And what’s the deal with jumping short in front of these things? I do that quite often, too. And are these things really blue? On every TV I’ve ever played the game on Buzzy Beetle always looks black. What the heck is the deal with that?

SuperMarioBrosBulletBill

Bullet Bill: These big bullet shaped enemies piss me off, either when I’m trying to avoid them while I can see them being fired from one of those cannons or just flying out of nowhere. Sometimes I can avoid them but, more often than not, as soon as I get hit by one of them and lose my power ups I am fucked. The next one that pops up always takes my ass out. I would absolutely love to have the ability to permanently have invincibility so I could then just run through the bullet levels and be done with these pieces of shit.

And finally, this week’s 411 Douchebag of the Week: Super Mario Bros Edition goes to

Douchebag

SuperMarioBrosHammerBros

Hammer Brothers: The first time I encountered these fucks I ran away from them because those flying hammers were total bullshit. I got braver against them when I had fire but, even with the ability to shoot fireballs at them, they still got me. I did figure out how to be quicker in shooting them in subsequent encounters but, goddamit, I would much rather just avoid them period. And it gets even worse when there are two of them.

God, I hate these guys. Fucking hammer throwing turtles.

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