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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Top 5 Current NASCAR Douchebags

May 8, 2017 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

MonsterEnergyNASCARCupSeries

In this week’s issue I’ve decided to look at the Top 5 Douchebags currently appearing in NASCAR, America’s top form of motorsports. I’m going to focus my attention on the personalities in the top NASCAR touring series, the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series. The drivers competing in the lower tier series, the Xfinity Series and the Camping World Truck Series, are not a part of this list but, in the future, could be the focus of their own lists (and there are plenty of people to talk about in both, as followers of both series can attest).

NASCARCupDaytona

Now, NASCAR, as a sports entity, is currently going through a sort of contraction. Individual race attendance is down at most tracks, and while TV ratings are still quite good, ratings could be better. And with the recent announcement that Dale Earnhardt, Jr., the sport’s most popular driver for over a decade, is set to retire after the 2017 season, fans are wondering who will pick up Junior’s slack? Will it be Kyle Larson? Danica Patrick? Someone we haven’t seen yet? I’m sure NASCAR’s marketing department will attempt to find an Earnhardt replacement immediately, but odds are NASCAR won’t have a real Earnhardt replacement for two to three years, maybe even longer. How will that affect the sport as a whole? Will we see a further contraction?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I will say that if Danica Patrick could become a better driver and start to race for wins and be a viable championship contender NASCAR’s current issues could be mitigated a bit. At the moment she’s the only one who has instant mainstream credibility and will, if she started winning, spike ratings. But what are the odds of that happening?

And now, without any further what have you, here are the Top 5 NASCAR Douchebags at the moment.

First, the honorable mentions…

DarrellWaltripFoxBoogity

Darrell Waltrip: Now, DW’s inclusion on this list seems to violate the rules I established in the introduction to this week’s column, but I couldn’t not include him on this list because of one specific thing, a thing that is so annoying that it should have been banned years ago. When it comes to Waltrip, he’s a three time Cup champion, he won 84 races over his career, and he’s a NASCAR Hall of Famer. The man is an absolute stock car racing legend. Currently, he’s the lead color analyst for the Cup races broadcast on the Fox branded networks. More often than not, what he has to say about race strategy, race driver attitudes, what’s happening on the track itself, it’s all believable and worth listening to. The guy has been there, done that, he knows what he’s talking about. And yet, at the start of every Cup race, Waltrip is allowed to utter the most ridiculous and annoying phrase in all of sports. And what is that phrase?

“Boogity, boogity, boogity! Let’s go racing boys!”

I have no idea why he’s allowed to say it. I have no idea why he, or anyone else involved in NASCAR or Fox broadcasting, thinks it’s a good idea or why anyone thought it was a good idea in the first place. Nor have I ever met a fellow NASCAR fan who has said “I like how DW starts every race.” I’m sure the phrase has its fans, but I’ve never met one.

I wish Waltrip would stop it. It’s come to the point where I have to mute the sound at the start of every Cup race because I just can’t hear that goddamn phrase one more time. It has to stop.

Come on, man. You’re a legend. Cut the nonsense.

JimmieJohnson

Jimmie Johnson: Jimmie Johnson is a seven time Cup champion and, I’d suspect, he’s well on his way to an eighth championship this year. His Lowe’s team has been consistently the best for well over a decade. The man is unstoppable. And yet, he doesn’t lord his success over his fellow competitors. He isn’t an arrogant jagoff. In interviews he comes off as a nice guy. While all of that is laudable (in an overall sense the world really doesn’t need another asshole douchebag prick), it would be best for “the show” if Johnson were more of an asshole. If he were an arrogant prick, the crowd would have someone to root against. Beating him on the track would help elevate the winner. It would be a great situation for almost everyone involved.

Will it happen, though? I doubt it. That would make NASCAR seem like pro wrestling, something it’s compared to more often than not. It would help the show, though.

So come on, Jimmie, cut the crap. Start acting like the arrogant asshole douchebag prick the world needs you to be. You won’t lose anyone’s respect.

JoeyLogano

Joey Logano: When it comes to Joey Logano, the former “sliced bread” of the “new” generation of NASCAR stars, the man has to stop smiling so much. And by smiling, he has to stop looking like a goofball in every damn near every interview. Even when he wrecks and flips and takes out half the field he’s still smiling and sort of laughing and looking like a goofball. It’s ridiculous. It’s also ridiculous how he rarely accepts responsibility for anything. Most race car drivers, regardless of the series or division, accept responsibility for anything (it’s always a “racing deal” or “I didn’t see what happened”), but when Logano does it it’s just that much more annoying. Little punk.

Am I the only one who can’t stand Logano most of the time?

AustinDillonDB

Austin Dillon: When Austin Dillon debuted in the Cup series, NASCAR wanted everyone to know that he was “the real deal.” He was a Camping World Truck Series champion, an Xfinity Series champion, a multi-race winner in both series. He was a badass of the highest order. He won the pole for the 2014 Daytona 500. He was going to win races quickly, he was going to be a Cup contender almost immediately, and he was going to do it while driving for his grandfather Richard Childress and using the iconic number 3. He was going to be, like Dale Earnhardt, but more modern and more openly Christian. It is now 2017, and Dillon hasn’t done much of anything in the Cup series. He’s won a few more poles but he’s never been in contention to actually win anything else (I’m writing his before the first 2017 Talladega race, a race that anyone could conceivably win, so there’s a chance that Austin has finally won something as you’re reading this). The dude has been a massive disappointment (he did make the Chase last year, but did anyone think he was going to win the whole thing? Anyone at all? Exactly).

And yet, NASCAR still wants me to believe that he’s a badass, a guy that can win at any moment, the next Dale Earnhardt. It ain’t working. The Christian shit keeps coming up, though, not as much as it did before, but it’s still out there.

And what the hell is going on with Austin’s hair? What the hell is that?

And finally, this week’s final/major 411 Douchebag of the Week:

Douchebag

KyleBusch

Kyle Busch: How could it be anyone else? When he doesn’t win he bitches and complains and refuses to speak to reporters. When he finally does speak to reporters he acts like his dog just died because he finished second. He chews out his pit crew over the radio during races when he loses track position. He loses his mind at a moment’s notice. Kevin Harvick used to do all of these things but when he finally won a Cup championship he mellowed out a bit and stopped being such an overt douchebag. After Busch won his first Cup title, nothing changed. Nothing. Well, Busch did become more religious, but I think that’s more a result of hanging out with his car owner Joe Gibbs more than anything else. On the track, he’s still the guy he was before he won a title. A fucking douchebag jerk. He is the sort of villain that Jimmie Johnson should be (Johnson has the results to back it up. Kyle, who has won oodles of races in the Xfinity and Truck series, doesn’t have the same track record in the Cup series).

I personally love it when Kyle Busch loses and freaks out over it. It’s great.

Kyle Busch. Ugh. Douchebag.

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